I’m such a mess at times. I try to look and act mostly sorted.
But having periods is definitely messing with me in ways I never have been before. Not having them was GREAT! I’ve had a needy week.
I’m not generally needy.
I warned BG. “I’m feeling bizarrely needy this week.”
Pretty direct. That’s usually me. But since Roger cheated…not so much.
So, yeah. We had one of our most intimate and honest conversations last night. And again this morning. I’ve held my cards closer to my chest than ever before with this darling man. I’m sure his past makes it happen for him, too. I’ve been very aware of how he had held things together.
We talked about how being single forever, or without a partner often, makes you less reliant on sex. You have no sure supply. So you deal.
We talked. Big time. He’s getting as “missy” as me, I think. Distance is good. And bad.
He asked me if it is possible to last another year? Living apart? Can we cope?
Anyway. I told him some of my BIG stuff. I even admitted that his lower libido, whilst not a deal breaker in any way, does trigger my not good enoughs. But that I’m careful not to make him feel like he’s not doing enough. I am far more adventurous, but one doesn’t want to intimidate. How fucking stupid, I know!
And I did say that I have followed a very petite, blonde, conventionally pretty girl in his life. Overtly sexy. I’m neither petite, nor pretty.
He took it all really seriously, didn’t dismiss my stupid. He said Chrissy took a long time in the bathroom to look that good, she did not wake up looking like the photos I have seen. That I never take a minute to get ready. (I said maybe I don’t try hard enough. Lol.) He talked about his ex, and our friend, Colleen. She honestly takes about an hour and a half to get ready for a coffee!
He calls be beautiful ALL the time. Without it being lame or forced. And it is lovely.
Maybe? At best.
I get my attraction.
He just said that Chrissy hated him drinking, drugging, having fun with the boys. But was a sneaky drunk herself. Wrote herself off all the time. He says he just never met someone who chills like I do. (Yeah, read my blog. I’m SOOO chill 🤣🤣🤣) So if I feel antsy about things right now, for the first time, that’s just fine. And understandable.
I think it’s hormones. I’ve never had them before, lol! Period. Ugh.
But waking early, taking about real stuff before I had to drive home. We haven’t done that before. And it was fabulous. I didn’t want to leave.
BG has now glimpsed what Roger did. How his rejection, physical and emotional abuse, and lies changed me from a strong, confident, feisty young woman, to a self doubting, nervous, under-confident …
He told me that whilst he greets Rog with a broad smile and a firm handshake, he wants to punch his smug grin off his face, for his abuse of me.
Once upon a time, Roger was that very champion of mine. Jesus. What a mindfuck.
So, how can you believe a thing a man ever says?