It’s taken me almost five years to get to this stage. The blogging stage. I have read and commented and read and commented. Taken breaks. Participated in various versions of therapy. Cried. Talked. Loved. Screamed. Separated. Reconciled. Loved. Understood. Couldn’t understand. Did I mention loved?
But I got here.
“So, where did you get here from?”
I got here from twenty-one years of intense, fulfilling love and commitment to the most darling man I could imagine. Add five years of hell. The only man I ever trusted. The only man I KNEW was a good man, a man of character and depth. And then the very fabric of the world tore. Ripped. Shredded. Screeching, it cleaved apart. You see, I found out that he cheated. He cheated. And he did it for a long time, and he did it with someone who appeared to be a close friend of ours. Someone who I invited into our homes, our lives, our children’s lives. Someone I cared about. Someone I knew was unhappy/unstable/inhuman??? Someone I wanted to help. Someone who knew I cared. Someone I should never have brought into our lives. But you do that when you know you have a good man, a man of character and depth, don’t you, and you are a kind and caring person who likes helping others? And I never knew. I should have known. He ended it after fifteen months. We were doing so fantastically well. I had quit my job that had caused him so much stress and angst. I had re-entered the paid workforce two years previously. I had worked unpaid in our business for seventeen years, but he made some changes to that, and I felt I was made redundant. So I started a new career. He hated it. So, I quit. For him. For us. He ended the affair, the affair that I never had any clue he was having. We were having a blast. Six weeks later, she texted me that she had been fucking my love. Out of spite. To wreck the thing she wanted, that we had. Until he smashed it into tiny atoms of……. matter. Never to be put back together in the way it once was. Never to be rebuilt to something “better.” How could it be better? How do you get better than what we had? I loved him so damn much. I should have known. But I didn’t. And he didn’t use any protection. And I got physically and mentally very unwell from what his choices were for us. All five of us, as, you see, we have three children. This is the beginning of my world imploding. Five years ago in just a few short weeks.