Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

And, as sands through the hourglass………

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Well.  I’ll back up a step or two.  Prior to leaping into a “lifetime commitment” – yeah, right – with each other.  Just a week after we started seeing each other, his ex, who was also an old school friend of mine, had her 21st.  We were both invited.  Separately, of course.  So, we went together.  A big shindig put on by her cheating father (and her downtrodden mother) who adored his first-born princess. I was on crutches, with a heavily bandaged leg, a horse injury, and yet we danced all night.  I was oblivious to any daggers that might have been shot in my direction.  Our other friends were dancing and having fun with us.  After all, she cheated on him, multiple times, and couldn’t possibly want him, or why would she have cheated?  (Oh, the young and naive me!)  They had been over for nearly a year.  I thought they were friends.  I was friends with my exes.  Sunshine and lollipops……

So, we went there, had a blast, thought all was good.  His birthday was three weeks later.  He had made plans to go out to dinner with me.  I got home from work that night and he phoned to say he had arrived at his parents’ house, and she had turned up.  Mmmm, okay.  Whatever (at this stage, I thought we were having an intense summer fling.)  Then he apologised and said he was trying to get rid of her, his parents thought it was a bit weird, HE thought it was a bit weird, but he would get rid of her, sorry we couldn’t go out for dinner, “I miss you, and I’m really sorry about this.”  No worries!  That’s fine.

The next night, he came around and wanted to talk.  He wanted to confess something.  We sat down in my living room, with a glass of wine, and he nervously told me he’d fucked her.  There’s this nervous gesture he has, where he talks kind of behind his hand.  He did this for the first time that night.  I have seen it done many times over the past few decades.  He fucked her hard and mean.  I was not too fazed.  I mean, he was telling me, and he said, “I am such a total shit, I don’t even know who that guy is, I have never done anything so hideous before. I am so sorry, I know we are not ‘official’ but that was nasty of me.  Nasty to you, I am sorry, and I know you won’t want to see me again.  I don’t know what got into me, I just wanted to punish her for all the game playing, and I fucked her, then turfed her out of my house into the dark with, ‘don’t EVER come back here, we’re done, you slut.’ That was a pretty awful thing to do to both of you.”  I just said that while disappointing, that I understood, and it was no drama, we were just having a fun summer fling.  He looked at me, and said, “no.  I wasn’t.  I’m so sorry, I could see this going on forever, and I’ve screwed it all up before we even begun.  She is my past, and I let her overlap and ruin my future, so I could get revenge on her.”  I replied that I wouldn’t have thought fucking someone was really revenge, more like reward for her efforts?  He then said, “no reward, it was terrible.  She is crap in bed, and I just served it up to her, she didn’t get off, but was a willing participant, she was the one who led me to my bedroom and undressed, it was really terrible of me, I am so ashamed of what I did.”  We talked some more, and I really did get what he what he did.  I asked him more about his true feelings, that maybe he wasn’t admitting them to himself, that maybe he really loved her, even though she’d hurt him, surely he must?  But he has always, for 26 years, said that he NEVER loved her, he never felt anything even close to what he feels for me, she was “convenient” – he was young, they lived hours apart, so didn’t have to see each other often, kind of girlfriend on demand, no strings sex.  He says that if they had lived close it would have only lasted weeks, as she annoyed him.  Her values were miles from his, and she has a really whiny voice!  A shallow, vacuous, short-sighted, tabloid whore.  If only I had a crystal ball that night……..

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