My boy, is actually a lovely boy. I know. How can that be? Why can’t he be evil, selfish and horrid? Isn’t that what cheaters look like? Just like you think you can tell what a paedophile looks like. That is what I thought. Cheaters are selfish, therefore all evil, therefore easy to leave. Simple.
I must have been naive. I thought I knew people. I was a good judge of character. I would KNOW if my love was a cheat, right?
I know he was unwell, I know he is so gutted. I WANT to be able to just “put it in the past,” “chalk it up to bad experience,” “move forward positively, with love.” I know this is not possible for me, and it INFURIATES me. Roger has done everything, said everything, answered everything, tried everything. I know he loves me and feels deep regret and shame. But I don’t FEEL it.
Does anyone feel like this? Or am I the only special one who is stuck with this horror of love and being loved, knowing that he is genuinely remorseful, and if we could surgically remove those fifteen months…….but knowing that we are done?
I feel a great deal of sympathy for this devil.
And tomorrow it will be five years of living this non-life.