Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Sympathy for the devil


My boy, is actually a lovely boy. I know. How can that be? Why can’t he be evil, selfish and horrid? Isn’t that what cheaters look like? Just like you think you can tell what a paedophile looks like. That is what I thought. Cheaters are selfish, therefore all evil, therefore easy to leave. Simple. 

I must have been naive. I thought I knew people. I was a good judge of character. I would KNOW if my love was a cheat, right?

I know he was unwell, I know he is so gutted.  I WANT to be able to just “put it in the past,” “chalk it up to bad experience,” “move forward positively, with love.” I know this is not possible for me, and it INFURIATES me. Roger has done everything, said everything, answered everything, tried everything. I know he loves me and feels deep regret and shame. But I don’t FEEL it. 

Does anyone feel like this? Or am I the only special one who is stuck with this horror of love and being loved, knowing that he is genuinely remorseful, and if we could surgically remove those fifteen months…….but knowing that we are done?  

I feel a great deal of sympathy for this devil.

And tomorrow it will be five years of living this non-life.


14 thoughts on “Sympathy for the devil

  1. You are *so* not alone my dear. I know he’s so so sorry and he’s done, well, almost everything humanly possible. But I don’t love him anymore. He killed it. And she lured him to kill it. By which I mean she admitted that she pushed him faster and further because she wanted him to burn his chances with me so he had only her or being alone to choose from. Well, she didn’t quite succeed because I live this half life of being loved but not loving. Still, in another way she did succeed. She burned what she envied.

    • Nephila, that is what I am still angry about. Bloody anger! I am far enough along this road that I don’t think of HER quite as often, once she finally actually departed – and I know you are still dealing withe the bunny boiling, which keeps you on your toes, on high alert, even though your husband now knows what she really is – I was able to concentrate even more fully on ME, on MY “healing.” I use quotation marks, because this is healing, you never feel safe or at ease in the world again. I use me, rather than “us” because I tried to work on “us” for so long, and realised I wouldn’t get anywhere until I looked after myself for the first damn time in twenty-six years. Yes, I have made progress, of a kind, but I am not what I envisaged “healed” would look like. Five years today, apparently I am now healed! 😉 My world shifted so far on its axis that night, and these past five years, there is no way of restoring what I had. I just inch along, living mindfully, but the joy and pleasure I felt just being alive, with my wonderful love, my wonderful family – and I did actually appreciate it, I don’t feel I took it for granted – is gone. I haven’t felt a moment of genuine warmth and joy since. I wish I was a different person, a person who was able to rule a line under this and step away from the pain, boy I have battled hard to do so, I am who I am, and I keep working at this living thing every day.

      I hear you on the half life, and I wish it could be different for you. Yes, the anger at her destroying it even though we “got rid of her” still makes me feel like I “allowed” her to “win.” That was what she wanted, to make me as miserable as she is, and somehow I think I have overtaken her on that count. How can you be miserable if you are a narcissistic sociopath? I FEEL shit, she just shits on everyone.

  2. You can blame HER all you want … and SHE had a party in it, for sure, but I put most of the blame on HIM. HE was the one committed! I am in limbo right now…..don’t know how I feel….kind of just numb about him! 😦

    • Nicetomeetu, I think we blame the OW because in so many cases, like Nephila, Paula and me….the OW went out of their way to lure our stupid husbands into their web!
      And yes, my H had a commitment to me, and trust me, he has paid dearly for breaking that commitment, but I do wonder if the OW hadnt come on to him, if she hadn’t gotten his cousin involved in her scheme to make contact….would my H have an an affair?
      I really don’t know….after they met again, 27 yrs later, something happened, because when my H came home (he’d been at a family wedding in another state) he went right on FB and sent the cow a friend request…so he had obviously been fed a lot of kibbles by the OW while he was there and wanted to get a lot more!
      And the OW had sent him a friend request at 2:33 in the morning after meeting him earlier in the evening at the family wedding ( I believe she was invited to the after reception, just for the sole purpose on meeting up with my H…because she wasn’t invited to the wedding OR reception…just the after reception party!!)
      I feel kind of bad writing on Paula’s blog, because my H didn’t have a sexual affair, he had an emotional affair and all of you have to deal with so much more because of the sexual aspect of it…but the pain and sting of betrayal is still so strong for me…and I know in my heart, even though he denies it, I KNOW if the OW lived closer….he would have taken it sexual…I just know it!

      Paula, like I’ve said before…sometimes the damage is too great, kinda like getting hit by a drunk driver and being paralyzed and living the rest of your life in a wheelchair…the drunk driver can sober up, go to AA, serve their time in prison, go to schools and educate kids about the dangers of drinking and driving, apologize to you twice a day for the rest of your life…BUT you are STILL sitting in that wheelchair!!!
      The damage the they did to you, after making the conscience choice to drink and drive, cannot be undone.
      Same with infidelity…they made a conscience choice, and now the damage has been done and it can’t be undone. That’s it.

      • BTW, When I saw the Cows FB friend request to my H…I deleted it! I KNEW she was trouble….I KNEW it!! I wish I had listened to what my gut was telling me, but I didn’t!
        And when he came home 2 days later and sent HER a friend request, and I questioned him about it, again, I should have listened to my gut…and then finally, when I saw that she had posted pics of MY H on her FB from when they had dated 27 yrs earlier…I should have listened to my now roaring gut, telling me that this was WRONG…but I trusted my H, and because she’s about 50lbs overweight, and not “his type” I just let it go….stupid me!!
        Stupid, stupid me!!

      • Yes… the damage is done.. It can never be the same. Betrayal is betrayal… My best friend betrayed me this past year. Not with my husband it anything like that… Just severed our friendship…. With no warning! I think that hurt just as bad!!

      • Mmmm I know, lonelywife. I know. Hey, always remember betrayal is betrayal, is betrayal. What does it matter what they did, or didn’t “do” – you were betrayed by the person who should have had your back, every single time, and that is terrifying, being stabbed by your support, being left out in the open without cover. Never, never feel that you can’t comment, I see any marital betrayal as the same thing, a cutting off at the knees. Whether bodies entwined or not, your heart and brain will never be quite the same again.

      • Whoops, and your wheelchair/drunk driver analogy is one I have always related to. Sorry and reparation are great – but of course, you can NEVER undo what has been done, sadly.

    • Nicetomeetu, yes, I felt, from the start, that even though she was “my friend” and should have felt some commitment to me, that he was my LIFE, and therefore, it was HIM who cheated on me, he had the commitment to me that should have mattered. I was prepared to discard her, she was nothing, but I built a life with this boy, I worked my socks off for him (and us.)

  3. Maybe I’m “lucky” in that I still love my husband, my love for him has never wavered… ok maybe for a second or two! It may be because I knew we had problems in our marriage before I knew he’d been unfaithful and I know I had some hand in those problems. What I did not have a hand in, was his decision to cheat! Maybe it’s harder for those of you who had a great marriage and a great sex life before D Day. I thought our marriage was fine (for having been married for so long and having 4 kids) but I guess in hindsight it could have been so much better.

    • We had had a really hard year with moving, pregnancy, stillbirth, terminal illness of a parent, unemployment (mine) and workload (his). But they were all external things and we were just out of the woods when she made her move. I know I could not be a better wife than I was to him before the affair. He knows it too. No marriage is perfect.

      What I hold against him is not having the basic values, smarts and loyalty to see through her. I blame him for lying to my face and cheating.

      But what I blame her for is maybe worse- she planned it out and went after him over a year before slowly and carefully wih the deliberate intention of breaking up a family with a newborn in it. And second, she has absolutely no remorse. Neither of those is true for him. He was an idiot and disloyal but he never planned it out and stalked her husband and he’s desperately sorry (and has apologised to her husband also). Big difference. And the reason I never put him in the same category as her.

  4. PW, I loved the shit out of Rog for 21 years before I found out, and I loved the shit out of him for the three years after D-day. I was so embarrassed that I did! I mean, I felt like I should hate him for infecting me with potentially fatal diseases without a care in the world, I should hate him for not loving me the way I deserved! I should hate him for being a liar and so disgusting he fucked a whore without condoms, knowing full well he could get her pregnant! I was ashamed of loving him. He knew it, but I think part of the reason I still loved him was because I knew how horrified he was when he looked behind him and saw the crap he scattered into our lives, all over our love, and he worked his arse off to try to let me know he was still Rog, still that kind, sexy, funny boy I fell in love with. After the three year mark I was tired, I guess. Tired of constantly battling the mind movies, swallowing bile as he made love to me, as I fought images of her moaning in pleasure as his tongue was thrust inside her,flicking over her lithe, slim body, and found all her “sweet spots” as he plunged himself deep into her body, while I was looking after our kids, or working yet another fourteen hour day to help pay our living expenses because his plans hadn’t quite worked as he’d hoped, I needed to contribute more, and I did. He was driving to her house and fucking her while I was stressing about who could meet our kids off the bus, or finding them a place to stay for a few hours so I could pick them up in the town they went to school in. It was stressful, I was juggling more and more and more, and I was exhausted. Meanwhile, they are drinking wine and fucking. I just found I was needing to leave my body to cope with sex. It was scary, and I was so damn SAD! I agree that if you have a good marriage, that somehow it seems worse – I think it is a safety thing – I mean, what MORE could I have done? How could I keep myself safe if the person I trusted to help me, to stand by me, to support me as I supported him could stab my in the heart over and over and over? He answers that with, “not really much, maybe worked a bit less, but really, that should have been me talking to you about that.” I just felt like such a fool, and so taken advantage of – by both of them, I mean, she kept meeting me (alone, without him often!) for weekends at our bach, and coffee, and he kept “dating” me and making sweet, sweet lurve to me. How stupid was I? Not at all, because everything was NORMAL, life went on, I thought we were FINE. Heck, this isn’t to say that life was all chocolates and roses, it never was, we had a real thing, a real family, real financial stresses, real kids that acted up from time to time, real car problems, real bills. But we loved each other, and took refuge in each other, right? Now I know I still love him, but it is less. It is so far from what my love felt like, love without knowing the person you love will be there for you every time seems rather foolhardy.

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