Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

So, this is what healed looks and feels like?


As I posted the other day, yesterday, 16 May, was five years since my life shifted.  Apparently I am now healed ;-).  I say this, obviously as some kind of joke.  The desperation you feel in those first moments, those first months, that first year.  Will you ever feel whole, at peace and ……. safe again? The timeframe seems daunting.  Counsellors tell you it takes time.  And work.  Yes, this you understand, but how long? I knew it was the old piece of string question, but I needed – I know I am not alone here – some kind of timeframe. Approximately how long do I need to expect to feel this bad for? Two to five years was trotted out by everyone. I recall the first time this was said, and I almost laughed inside.  “Yeah, right, five years, I won’t be waiting around in this state for two years, we will be better by then, I feel sure, either that or I will be gone.” I somehow thought leaving would leave the pain behind, I could outrun it.  Silly girl! I recall a friend incredulously telling Roger (after hearing of his infidelity) about a friend of his, married to a lovely lawyer, who was caught in flagrante with another woman by her.  He was “sorry” and they worked on their marriage (apparently) but when she had a wine or two, after two years, would still bring it up! How dare she? I remember hearing that and thinking, 1. okay, she is always going to remember what he did, and what she saw, 2. wow, two years, that seems a long time to hurt so badly, and 3. you know what, this is forever asshole! But my overwhelming feeling at that point (merely weeks in) was that we were going to be okay.  Roger was so sorry, he was so caring, we were doing so damn well, considering, he would hold me and comfort me, kiss me and caress me, I would wail, and howl, and pull myself together, then wail and howl some more.  We were going to get there, and champs that we are, we were gonna do it in record time, go us! I laugh as I think of that girl now.


Cows and calves on our back airstrip

Five years in, I am not happy. I am no longer suicidal. I am calmer. More rational. But I am still as hurt. Still as sad. I just don’t show it the same way as when it was all blaring loudly on my sleeve. I still have no clue as to what will make me happy. I live mindfully, every day. I notice birdsong. I notice sunshine. I notice storms. I notice and appreciate every nuance I can. I still love my kids, but I don’t feel fierce about them anymore. Someone turned some kind of filter on. Love is filtered, and I can’t seem to pull the filter off and live and love fiercely like I did once. My children have been robbed of that. Their fierce mother. Maybe they are pleased?!!


A snap taken out the back of the farm once…..

I have a good job, that is flexible enough for me to take the time to study. This semester I am three quarters of a full time student, and still holding down a half time job. I feel blessed to have that option, and that support. I can drive the hour to uni and almost switch off “this” (nah, who am I kidding, I never can, but nearly.) I exist. I try to find pleasure. It is elusive. It was once so plentiful. I have a warm, comfortable home on a large farm, with gorgeous surroundings, pets, animals, an organic vege garden, a healthy and wholesome life. When will it ever be “enough” again? I was once. I was happy for 41 years.


A ewe and her lamb contemplating me getting up in their faces.

How can you be unhappy when you live this life?  Why doesn’t the good outweigh the bad?  What will ever be “enough” to balance me out again? And why do I still ask these questions five years out, when I have read so much, got so much counselling, and worked so damn hard to not be a victim, not be bitter, to boldly take my life back?  When do I stop feeling so damn sorry for myself, and call time on the pity party! 🙂


4 thoughts on “So, this is what healed looks and feels like?

  1. The photos are wonderful, Paula — thank you for sharing them. The how long question I have continues to become a scarier and scarier reality. Five years? But for the first three, you were working through so much and still crazy in love (Beyonce reference)? The fact that you are now in a different realm of your relationship is an interesting fact. Could it be hormonal? Could it be a midlife crisis (haha for us BS)? Could it be exhaustion? Could it be that you are so hypersensitive that it’s anxiety exacerbated? Who knows, only you do. Only you know how you feel now and how you felt just a few years ago. Curious about PTSD affects for you, Paula. Obviously, the suicide attempt was probably one of those affects. But, I’m wondering the lingering affects years down the road to such a betrayal and year+ of drama from bunny boiler? Also, the medication and how they have helped and how they may have hampered recovery? I’m not on any medication. Yet, my son was for his bi-polar and suicide scare for quite some time. He was also diagnosed as ADHD as a young child and we tried the medication route back then. I’m not a fan of it but when someone you love wants to harm themselves, medication was a valuable course of action. Sorry for all the questions, but I’m just one of those curious cats from the US 😉

    • Very good questions, tempted! I did get my hormones tested. I can’t really answer any of the rest. I don’t believe the drugs affected me long term. PTSD is a factor for most of us. Exhaustion, of course. The point, I guess, is that there are no answers, it just is.

      The photos are just snaps I take when out on the farm – they are some of my reference points – see, I have a good life, remember this, Paula 😉

  2. I get it. I so get it. I don’t know the answer either.

    I guess I feel it is like an onion. And I do feel less crushed all the time than I did a year who, and 2 years ago. But there’s still onion left to peel and it still makes me cry. I think there will always be more layers on this Infinite Onion. Just hopefully fewer.

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