I have lived this reasonably blessed life. I haven’t wanted for much. I was surrounded by good people. I never took any of it fully for granted. But it was all “just there.” I was thankful for it. I also worked damn hard. Nothing I have was given to me. This goes for material and non-material realms. But I didn’t ever envisage how changed everything could be. I mean changed forever. I am picking this little gem out in my car. Today we are celebrating my friend, Lisa’s too short life. And I am sitting in my car when I should be drinking Veuve Clicquot champagne at her party. I just can’t do it anymore. She, so full of life and zest, is gone, and I can’t even do what I used to do and participate in a big send off. I sat through the small, intimate church service, wiping tears and fighting waves of more of them, and then stood for three hours under the giant mega marquee amongst the thousand or so there (she was a big deal in a glamorous industry) listening to friends tell wonderful stories. I started to sweat. It’s a rainy 14 degree day, quite chilly.) I started to panic mildly. I wanted to vomit. I thought I might pass out. Part of my change is going from vibrant, strong, caring and capable social being, to socially awkward and anxious girl-seen-leaving-quickly-but-quietly. This is my new persona. It still doesn’t seem to quite fit. I still don’t recognise the new me. I guess I will one day?