The blah-ness of post D-day life is hard to take, huh? The humdrum of this life. I used to bounce out of bed, eager to see what the day would bring. And I didn’t even know I was doing it. Until it was over. Now I notice. I notice what I don’t have anymore. Blah! I am SICK of noticing the crap. I want to put a line through it all, start over. That is what I strive for, that line, that line that I can’t retreat over when I feel like crap.
One of the problems is I seem to be the shit magnet wherever I go :-). For example, at the funeral on Friday, I walked into the marquee, filled with about a thousand people, and the first person who came almost running up to me, was an old neighbour. And then out of his mouth spilled the most appalling story. I knew this guy for a long time, not a friend, more of an acquaintance, but a nice enough guy, probably a far too nice guy, a bit of a walk over. Anyway, I knew he and his wife had separated, seemingly quite amicably some years ago. She moved to a nearby beach town, they had a holiday home there, so she moved in there, with one of their four daughters. The eldest is a uni, and the two younger were at primary school and stayed with their dad. Now, this guy had given his ex-beauty queen wife – who had never had a paid job since they married (is a registered nurse) nor worked on their dairy farm, while he was very hands-on – everything she wanted, beautiful new architecturally designed home, latest model cars, fashion, holiday home, international travel, basically, she had never wanted for anything material. She is not a bad person, just spoiled, a girl who married what she perceived as a lifestyle, but I don’t think she ever loved him, and I don’t think she ever realised how empty life is when everything you want is provided, you never have to fight for anything, earn anything, be disagreed with, her life is unsatisfying, so she left (I never knew details, heard rumours of other men.) Recently they had reconciled, but she was still seeing other men! Long story, she wanted cake. AND she wanted to eat it. It has gone really badly pear-shaped, with her getting violent, and ultimately getting arrested, having protection orders against her (she hurt him physically quite badly several times) and losing custody of the children. He feels terrible, admitted he still has feelings for her, but that divorce is now inevitable. My point is, in a group as large as that, on a day when I was mourning the too-soon death of a young mother and friend, EVEN THEN I was attracting the shitty stuff in life! I made soothing noises, but was completely floored as to why me, why did he single me out and spill his guts. I have no idea if, and/or what he knows of my situation, but although I felt deep sympathy for his situation, I believe he has attracted some of this by being a chump, but also, WHY ME???
Just when I feel like I am coming out of a funk, “the universe” conspires to drag me back under? Do I have KICK ME tattooed onto my back? My forehead? I don’t think I am putting out the “I am the person to dump your shit on” vibe! But I must be, so once again