Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

The deep guilt and agonising unhappiness of the betrayed in not being healed


This is my battle this past year.  Okay, he cheated, he is bloody sorry, why am I not okay now? I have tossed it in the pan, sauteed it for a bit, then eventually stewed the crap out of this question for a long time. Chump Lady posted about it so succinctly, as she is want to do. Cheaters are not owed reconciliation just because they are sorry.  

I’ll let her explain it better http://chumplady.com/2014/05/cheaters-youre-not-entitled-to-reconciliation/


11 thoughts on “The deep guilt and agonising unhappiness of the betrayed in not being healed

  1. Chump Lady rocked this one out of the house! I was going to read it to PA Man but after he heaved a HUGE sigh, I told him to “Forget it, obviously I’m wasting my time!”
    And he didn’t say a word, so yea, I got his message loud and clear! “Leave me alone, nothing you say is of interest to me!”

    • Boo sucks, lonelywife! PA Man is not worth you losing yourself over, he really isn’t. Ungrateful and selfish and……

      Yep, is a doozy. I have liked Chump Lady’s blog for quite some time, but feel so often that it is aimed at serial cheaters, you know, the true assholes in the world, surely we all get those (?!) and their poor chumped spouses, but this one spoke to me intimately. You are also a chump if you think you can heal from infidelity scar-lessly even with someone who displays deep remorse. You know, who the heck EVER thinks fucking around is a good idea? Who really thinks their partner will “just get over it, life will just carry on?” Idiots, cruel and selfish people, that’s who. Nothing solved, just delay in dealing with the real issues, and a whole new raft of problems to smother love. Bad day, that’s for sure!

      • I don’t believe anyone heals from infidelity….those that say they have healed, IMO, have ACCEPTED what has happened to them, and have chosen to just get on with life, but have they TRULY forgotten about the affair….do they TRULY trust their CS??? I think not!!

  2. @horsesrcumin….the last 4 lines of your comment totally resonate with me. “Just delay in dealing with the real issues and whole new raft of problems smothering love”….TRUE TRUE!!!

    • Yep, the love was still very strong with me/us for the first three years, but I know I don’t love him enough anymore, and to be honest, although I just adored him, maybe this is how it is for many of us, long term (sorry to the newbies, full of hope!) The long term consequences of being totally fucked over by the person you love truly, madly, deeply – and that was me – I was 1000% in – are that you kind of lose yourself, your self respect in the humiliation of reconciliation. I lost all of my social networks, and all of the friendships I had cultivated, some for three or four decades, in this process. To be fair, I have learnt a lot about the fickle nature of many of those, and I don’t have any family nearby, or any real ties to them, so it has been a lonely slog, my very best friend in the world is him, still. He is a lovely man, and a good friend (mostly, lol) but the spark, the shine, the icing we enjoyed on our lovely cake of life has been stomped into the mud, and cannot be wiped clean. Affairs smother love – eventually.

      • Yes there are definitely long term affects… Mine was over 10 years ago…. Some other stuff in between…. I look at him and I don’t hate him but just not feeling “IT” anymore!

  3. I have nominated you for the Liebster Award. It’s purpose is for up and coming bloggers and I think yours is worth the read.
    Check it out.

    • Yay! You are right! Paula’s blog is awesome!! 🙂

      • lonelywife, thanks, it isn’t really, it is just moments that I grasp and furiously tap out what is at the top of my mind, foul mouth and all. It took a long time to get to this point for me, and yeah, I guess it has some cathartic properties 😉 Thanks for your support, I love yours too, and most of all I am so very thankful for your wonderful, genuine friendship and understanding xxx

    • Aww shucks, thisordinarylife. Bit swamped at present, but would love to participate in this properly when I get a moment 🙂

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