Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum



We have had a funny few days here in the Land of the Torn. It is a long weekend here, and usually we go to our lake house. However, our youngest daughter was to work her cafe job both Saturday and Sunday, and she is fundraising for a trip in September to Japan, so I committed to staying around to be her driver. She is not yet old enough to get her driver’s licence and the cafe is over half an hour away.  I used the opportunity to submit a university assignment, and complete another, so win all round really. Our eldest daughter is moving to a city about six hours’ drive from here next weekend, and I am driving her there, so I needed to get ahead of the game.

Roger got a bit weird, and a bit shitty about this. He and I started to have a conversation this morning.  He accused me of never wanting to do anything, and I defended myself by saying I was putting D15 first this weekend.  I also mentioned that I thought he was going to the lake alone. He got defensive and said no one wanted to come with him, to which I replied that had never stopped him in the past. He thought I was alluding to the fact that he went down there “alone” a couple of times, ostensibly to go fishing with a friend who lives nearby, but in reality, his whore drove the four hours to spend the night with him – twice. I wasn’t referring to this, but he knows that the bach is a trigger, one I have fought hard these past five years, as we designed, built, painted, decorated and loved that place before he defiled it. It was the place he fucked her first, and the place he knew was safe to fuck her again later. I burned the original linen, but have never been able to afford to change anything else much. I refuse to give her the power to defile what I worked so damn hard to build!

So, later today, I suggested we needed to go for a walk down the farm to have a kind discussion (refer to previous post….;-) ) He eventually agreed. The upshot is, we had a frank …… and kind ….. discussion about what we are trying to achieve here, what the timeframe looks like before we split our assets and go our separate ways.  How we are going to achieve this without imploding all we worked for into two too-small piles for either of us, or our children. One of the things I brought up was that when we have these types of conversations, he never refers to what happens to the children.  Heck, we only have two and a half more years of any dependent children, but they still need support even at uni, and if we have to move the separation date forward, where will our youngest live, where will I live, where will she go to school, all of the logistical stuff. It is top of my list, and he never considers it. Funny that, makes you realise how many men are so easily able to ignore consequences when they first jump into bed with a whore. I know it happens with women, too, but it seems to be so common for men to compartmentalise their families.

We sorted it out. It is the hardest thing, to have to have those conversations, calmly, with your best mate in all the world, when you still love each other. Just not enough to beat this monster. I hate what has happened to us. He fucked it all away as he thrust himself in and out of her. I wonder if he ever had that mental picture, “in with his dick, out with the family.” I know I do.


15 thoughts on “Planning

  1. So you’ve decided to split? I’m so sad for you. I mean, I’m not saying it’s not the right decision for you. But it’s sad that it is. And it’s sad that it even potentially is. It’s all round fucking sad that people can end up in this position. If our husbands had had their wits and if either them or the women had had a conscience at the time. Or in her case ever.

    I don’t know that I really believe in amicable settlements but if there are any and you want one then I wish it for you. My attitude is pretty much you cheat you lose. So I hope you’re ok, as ok as you can be.

    I wish it wasn’t so. Hugs.

  2. It’s sad but inevitable. Not everyone physically separates but there is a definite emotional separation…for me anyway. Once bitten, twice shy. When someone you trust completely let’s you down you keep yourself guarded. I still love him completely, but I’m never going to assume that my husband is being truthful with me again about anything. He’s a liar and always has been and it’s very difficult living that way. Separation in one way or another just seems an inevitable outcome and that’s really sad. All those years and memories discarded for a few brief moments. He told me the sex wasn’t even that great, so what was it all for? Selfish, all of them.

  3. Damn, Roger. I’m sorry, Paula. It is sad. Very sad. Sometimes a broken heart can’t recover. Will it happen soon or when your youngest goes to Uni? 😦

  4. I often wonder how these discussions go, and how it would go if I found myself having that discussion with my own husband. I’m so sorry it has come to this for you, it is so terribly sad. How does he feel about it all? Would he prefer you stay together? xo

    • Shattered, yes. He has endured a lot and offered so much in this process. What’s left of my heart actually breaks for him as well. He had a breakdown, he did some selfish stuff, then he woke up and stopped the bad stuff and tries so hard to reconnect, to make it better. He has endured close to my level of pain. I want to release him from it so he can continue to live the happy life he once had. He wants that to be with me but I feel so little self respect in allowing him into my heart fully again. It truly is agonising.

  5. I’ve been thinking about you today, Paula. I had a two hour chat with my sister this morning and told her about my recent counseling session and my fears, etc. My sister finally understood my concerns and fears (that my husband still works with the woman and chooses to not search for a new job). It helped because it validated my “insanity” and “insecurities”, to an extent. I didn’t feel so alone.

    Anyway, I was thinking of your circumstance, what you have shared with us is by no means a full understanding of your experiences and pain, but you seem so open and hopeful.

    Anyway, it made me think of a question that we have all read/seen before: If you could travel back in time, what would you tell your 18 year old self (16, 21, 25, 30, etc. – whatever age)?

    But, that’s not the right question – not THE question. Instead, I would ask: If you could travel AHEAD in time, what would you ASK your 50, 55, 60, 65, 70 year old self?

    I’m wondering as we get older and wiser, what our older selves would tell us and advise at this critical time in our lives. Stay or go? Love or leave? Move on or move out?

    Just some of those things my f*cked up mind thinks of on Mondays…

    • tempted, that is the question, absolutely! I have been hopeful on this journey, no one could stay if you didn’t have love and hope. We have been fairly honest about the fact that this relationship now has an end date. I am realistic, and I am here now to get the kids launched. I do love him, I know he loves me, but the hurt is now so ingrained in who we are. I can’t be touched without the immediate image of him caressing her, I can’t cuddle into him without seeing her snuggled in the crook of his arm, in our bed at the lake, or at the maimai, or in her bed, or……… I literally SEE all of this, it is crystal clear. The image I have written of above, that really happens, Monty Python-like, penis in, and me and the kids being pummeled in the head with one, but not knowing what the heck is poking us and pushing us out the door. THIS is what I have asked for help with, at the sex therapist’s, at the couples’ counselling, at the individual shrinks, how do you stop the explicit images??? I know they are linked to the fact that I was only ever with him sexually, and the lack of exclusivity, but also, tellingly, the rape. I thought I had processed it all so healthily, but this is the residue, I have vivid pictures of rape, rough sex, especially between them, and her helping to torture and rape me.

      Hope the week improves, I am glad you feel that your sister gets it better now, it helps to have someone who has your back, who cares about you and the pain you are experiencing, someone to acknowledge that it is real.

      Our plan has been to carry on, for economics together until the youngest leaves home, and then we can make decisions about where to from there. Roger has hoped that given that time I will want to stay with him and rebuild a whole new life, somewhere else, doing something else, but I have been honest with him for about a year about this, I don’t see that, I see separation being more likely. I do love him very deeply, but less so than before, and I feel that staying with him is second best, that I am not valuing myself enough to stay with someone who could treat me the way he did, not just the affair itself, but putting a filthy penis in me after it was in her without any protection, that is HUGE to me, you just don’t do that filthy stuff. He says, “I always showered,” yeah, like that washes chlamydia and HPV off! He just cannot see how devastated I am about the diseases. I see them as pretty damn awful, but mostly it is the symbolism of how little he cared for me, that he could have KILLED me, as it is I have endured some hard times with what he did give me.

      • I understand the depth of your pain now. Paula, seriously, you are pretty amazing. From the tragic crime committed on you to Roger’s infidelity and the sexually transmitted diseases from the whore – it’s just not fair! What you have done to seek treatment and therapy is courageous. I do get the images (but obviously, not to your level of despair) that play on constant loop for you in your mind. Sigh, it’s just a matter of time for your head and heart to come to an agreement I suppose. This is the thing for me about you…you’ve done it all…you’ve tried…sought help…continued your education…continued to be an amazing mother and wife. You’ve exhausted all avenues and if this is the decision you’ve come to, it’s not done so lightly. Hugs to you, courageous girl. You’ve ticked every box, button and switch. xxoo

  6. I’ve known Paula, for…hmmm….2 1/2 yrs now, I believe? LOL! Paula, has it REALLY been that long?? 🙂 We met on a blog and became friends….and I can tell y’all….she has fought for this relationship! Fought for so long and so hard!! I’m proud of her, she is one tough lady!
    And Roger also….he’s done his bit…but sometimes the damage is too great…Actually, I think with infidelity….the damage is done the moment the decision is made to cheat.
    Love you, Paula! You’re going to do great things in the future….and we’re going to be here to cheer you on!! 😀

  7. Well, not too many back pats my sweets! I still have to get to the point where it’s time. Middle child goes to uni next February. Then we have more decisions to make and ACT on.

    Tempted, thank you, that really moved me.

    Lonelywife, is it only two and a half years 😉 seems like a lifetime – in a good way! Love ya xxx

  8. So… I am now chiming in almost 8 months later (disclaimer, I haven’t read any further than this so far, so maybe you answer my questions eventually). Where are you at? Is your daughter about to leave? Any decisions made yet about the logistics of the split?

  9. Hi Kat. Eldest daughter is happily ensconced and gainfully employed in Wellington, son (middle child) is off to Dunedin in just under three weeks to begin uni – he is working right up until the day before he flies off. Youngest daughter (16) is doing well, is about to start school again next week. We picked up our Argentinian exchange student we have for the next six months this morning. We have been living in the same house and are great mates, but the intimacy we once shared is over. Still incredibly heartbreaking, and hard, but we are doing okay. Ish. As per usual. D16 is off to (probably – not confirmed yet) France in late August, early September. Logistics have been discussed, pondered and dissected millions of times. I have a few airy-fairy plans, but don’t want to focus on much else except knocking this bugger (my degree) off this year, and making sure the kids are safe, well-adjusted and have some skills to deal with relationships in whatever shape they occur for them all. I think my future is still in agriculture, and have some business ideas, if I can manage to scrape enough capital together once we split the assets. I see the split as a very difficult thing, but that there is no way for us to carry on, as I can’t seem to shift the grey cloud of disappointment and sadness, it is always there. dammit 😦

  10. Well, it is what it is… we’re all chasing the happiness. I hope we get to hear more as your life unfolds. I hope there are lots of new adventures in store for you. I’m going to track you down when I come to NZ 🙂 . ❤

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