I have met a few pretty wonderful women during this “special” journey. All online. All living in a different part of the world to me. What amazes me is that they all still seem to be able to do things that I can’t. For example, I can’t “pretend” to the world that I am fine. I can’t post a loving picture of us online, or talk about Roger to other people, IRL. I can’t let him touch me anymore, sometimes I can cope with a hug, but where I used to love his skin on mine, now I shudder. Sometimes I NEED a hug, but it doesn’t soothe me the way it should. “They” seem to still be enjoying sex. Hell, we were top-of-the-class in Hystercial Bonding 101, but after two years, I drifted away sexually. I can’t bear to be touched, even a hug from my children has to be endured – and that is so whack! I love my children, don’t I??? I must, I was a really dedicated mother to them for the first 17 years of being a mother, these past five, I am distracted and not ever fully engaged with them, like there is a membrane between us, something I can’t quite break through. I am angry my children were robbed of pre-affair Paula. It is so weird to live this way, I was such a tactile person, so sexual, so sparkly (Roger’s words.) Now I am dull, distant, depressed, I guess.
I have tried to get help. I have talked to several counsellors, been prescribed ever increasing doses of happy pills, I understand the whole big picture so well. So why did nothing work? Why did I not get better? Why am I still stuck in so much negativity and pain? I do consciously choose happiness – or as close to it as I can get – it never sticks. I have become emotional Teflon. Except for the pain, that is welded onto me.
I wish I knew how to rewire this old brain!