Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

How do they do it?


I have met a few pretty wonderful women during this “special” journey.  All online.  All living in a different part of the world to me.  What amazes me is that they all still seem to be able to do things that I can’t.  For example, I can’t “pretend” to the world that I am fine.  I can’t post a loving picture of us online, or talk about Roger to other people, IRL.  I can’t let him touch me anymore, sometimes I can cope with a hug, but where I used to love his skin on mine, now I shudder.  Sometimes I NEED a hug, but it doesn’t soothe me the way it should. “They” seem to still be enjoying sex.  Hell, we were top-of-the-class in Hystercial Bonding 101, but after two years, I drifted away sexually.  I can’t bear to be touched, even a hug from my children has to be endured – and that is so whack!  I love my children, don’t I???  I must, I was a really dedicated mother to them for the first 17 years of being a mother, these past five, I am distracted and not ever fully engaged with them, like there is a membrane between us, something I can’t quite break through.  I am angry my children were robbed of pre-affair Paula.  It is so weird to live this way, I was such a tactile person, so sexual, so sparkly (Roger’s words.)  Now I am dull, distant, depressed, I guess.

I have tried to get help.  I have talked to several counsellors, been prescribed ever increasing doses of happy pills, I understand the whole big picture so well.  So why did nothing work?  Why did I not get better?  Why am I still stuck in so much negativity and pain?  I do consciously choose happiness – or as close to it as I can get – it never sticks.  I have become emotional Teflon. Except for the pain, that is welded onto me.

I wish I knew how to rewire this old brain!


11 thoughts on “How do they do it?

  1. I’m so sorry Paula. I wish I had something, anything, in terms of comfort to offer. Sending you strength and encouragement. xoxoxo

  2. You do, Katie, just being here, sharing your story with such eloquence and humour. You have no idea how much this helps me live this life. Cheers, chick xxx!!!

  3. Hugs and love, dear Paula. Wish there was a time machine to go back and change some destinies. Xxoo

    • Ah-ha!! I’ll invent one, tempted! (Wishes, fishes…)

      Destiny, fate, I know this was “supposed” to happen. I guess I know I am being taught something I need to learn – but the lesson seems to be coming across as “be afraid, be very afraid, of every man, even the ones who LOOK and FEEL like they’re okay, don’t EVER trust your instincts, to trust anyone” I’m sure the lesson is supposed to be something more along the lines of humility and acceptance of things one cannot change, harumph! Failing this lesson badly, lol. Shit happens. Whatevs…. (I wish that was really how I could look at it, long term. I will have to get there one day, no choice.)

  4. Same here Paula…I wish I could discover that magic “forgetfulness” pill that we have talked about!! I’d personally hop on a plane, as much as I detest flying, and I’d bring it to ya personally!!
    I love you, my friend, and you have a lot to offer this world!
    You’re body is in full protection mode…you were hurt so badly. It can’t help it. You have to “feel” safe!
    I hope and pray that one day you will be able to let go, and love again, the way you so desperately want to!! I will continue to pray for that and for you!!

  5. Yeah, lonely, I just wish I was “normal” – actually, that’s not true, I have never wanted to be normal, yuck! – but I wish I could just wind the self-protection machine back just enough to love my kids like they deserve, heck, and like I deserve – everyone is entitled to love, it doesn’t have to be romantic love – if nothing else. As usual, I am okay, just bleeding a little of the poison out of the system onto the interwebby-thingie.

  6. I’m so so sorry, Paula. It’s so unfair that it is even affecting your reaction to your children’s touch. You ARE sparkly. It comes through in your writing. Unfortunately, there is no forgetful pill; we are stuck with this forever. All you can do is continue to choose happiness and hopefully the love you so rightfully deserve will be easier to receive. Sending you hope and apologizing if I caused a trigger. ((Hugs))

    • Thanks jules. Nope, no worries about triggers, my triggers are places and mind movies – boy, I could do a great line in porn production, SO imaginative, funny when their sex was not! Choosing happiness is such a great concept….but so damn hard to make stick, huh?

      And a shower of sparkles headed your way from me 😉 (That comment made my day xxx.)

  7. You don’t have to pretend. Roger did a horrible thing to you and that is your reality as awful as it is. Why should you pretend?! I have struggled with “outing” N but know that once it’s out there I can’t take it back. Of course some of our friends and family know but those who do know think all is ok now. It’s not like that though, it’s still a big thorn in the side of our marriage. But I choose pretence because it’s easier, it’s more socially acceptable. You know Paula that I post pictures of my “happy family” on facebook, but it’s not always a true representation of our home life. I guess I just want people to think that everything is ok now because I’m embarrassed and humiliated about the whole situation. Even the thought that others think I have forgiven him is humiliating to me. I hate everything about this situation and sometimes want to scream at the top of my voice about the injustice of what he did to us, but I don’t. As pathetic as this sounds pretending is all I have. I see why you don’t understand it, I guess we all have our own way of coping with this new reality. It’s shit that it’s affected all of your relationships, fortunately I haven’t experienced that, but I hope you at least get that back. Take care xx

    • Thanks bubsy. I know. We all cope differently, cope being a subjective (and optimistic) word. I just sometimes wish I could pretend better. Fake it ’til I make it ;-)! I know that isn’t quite it, but it might help me feel a little less of an outsider in my own life.

      I’m so sorry you are still struggling, too. I am now of the opinion that no one REALLY heals from infidelity. We just learn to cope as well as we can with our new reality. Much love to you xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s