Have hit another flat patch. I should be used to these by now. The roller coaster rests from time to time. Yes, the ride has become tamer as the years have passed. I can never decide which is worse, the constantly moving climbs, the devastating dives, like a projectile, plummeting with great velocity earthwards, or the flat patches, where life seems to just stop. I wonder at these times if I am just a bloody drama queen! I know I wasn’t, in the pre-torn years. But boy, if I am on the flat ground these days I feel …….. well nothing really. And the nothing darkens as it stagnates. I ask myself if this is what I have created, this need to feel like shit……. so I can FEEL like shit, I mean in the sense of FEEL something, anything? Seems pretty damn stupid to me! I am sure it is just me regrouping in the semester break. Too much time to think. I did manage to scrape together some funds to pay my B semester fees, so I will be back on the merry-go-round soon – oh dear, I am mixing my metaphors (and my fairground rides) badly tonight!
Youngest daughter has just had a two hour interview at our home with representatives from an international student exchange program. She applied for a language immersion scholarship. The likelihood of her winning one is slight, as there are very few, just fifteen countrywide, available, but I am so proud of her for putting herself out there, to aim high. And while I was in another room as the interview was taking place, I thought about the possibility of her being accepted. Wouldn’t that be so cool for her? And wouldn’t that change MY life. I mean, her 21 year old eldest sister has (re)flown the nest recently, and her 17 year old brother is off to uni next year, I could be an empty nester before long! I have known this will happen in the next few years, but wow! What if it is much sooner? My mind is building scenarios – where could I move to? What would I do for a living? My current job is awesome in the position I am in now, as a fulltime student, but the seasonal ebb and flow doesn’t allow for a proper living income for several months a year, more just a top up, “pocket money” and I have always considered it as icing, extra to our business’s main income.
So, I might be pushed off this small, relatively “safe” ledge sooner than I expect, and I need to be prepared!
But, of course this is all speculation, keep calm and……well, we all know what comes next…… hell, I have been living this cliche for quite some time now!
Because this is how I think now, what should I do? What will happen to ME? This is completely new, and still doesn’t really fit well, I have been looking out for others for 26 years, and it is uncomfortable to think about me. I keep groping around the edges of the concept, reaching out for others’ hands, who else do I have to look out for, there must be someone? If I wasn’t looking out for my immediate family, I was volunteering, or contributing somehow to my community. Since my life imploded, since the rip in the time-space continuum, I have no one else as I have shrunk my world down to miniature size. Of course I am jumping the gun, she’s not 16 yet, but it makes me feel odd, very lonely and uncomfortable to think this way. I have been looking out for others since I was 20 years old. I felt I had lived then, and had some me-time, but as I look over my shoulder at that girl, I think, boy, you felt mature, and worldly (and I was for my age) but really. 20! You hardly even knew who you were, you hardly even existed really. You as an independent entity, just a mere whisper. I guess I always saw the post-kids years as being full of friends, fun times with the guy I loved, we shared so many common interests, and – up until he kept fucking a whore – values. We were looking forward to being relatively young and vibrant empty nesters. Travel, knowledge, books, film, fitness. He talked of it often, longingly (sometimes I felt TOO longingly, like the kids were some kind of inconvenience!) But then he changed the rules of the game.
Just gotta invent a new game, huh.