My attempt at celebrating my positives, as usual, lasted as long as I exhale. This is who I am now. I seem to be pretty shit at staying in that zone. I guess that is why I self-diagnosed with dysthymia a few days ago. I seem to have this new inability to sit on any self-made shelf of “not-shit” for any length of time, like I don’t trust my building skills – because I don’t. I don’t trust the feeling I artificially generate, as in reality, I never really feel okay, I am never really trusting anything, I am the Great Pretender.
Except I’m not. I’m shit at pretending.
I went to sleep last night in a weird place. I was trying hard to pretend I enjoy and appreciate all of the good things in my life. Hey, on the surface, I have a pretty great deal. And I feel so damn ungrateful if I don’t appreciate that. So I drifted off to sleep angry at myself for not believing my own hype about my life. Good one, Paula! Helpful as ever. My usual nightmares played, he was making love to her (not having the quick sex they mostly had) she was groaning in ecstasy, he came about ten times, in her, all over her, and she writhed in his attention and the mess they created in my bed, wrapped in my high thread count sheets. See, the thing is they have a much more exciting sexual affair than he has reported to me, I am a better imaginary affair creator than she ever was in real life. And I have no idea why my psyche continues to haunt me, even when I accept that my sex life is dead! So, of course, I wake up in pain, and I have already had a fucking cry today! I HATE fucking crying! It is so pathetic, and it no longer cleanses, just makes me feel trapped in my own crappy mind, my own crappy imaginings, my own crappy imagined fetid mess. I know not to, but I fucking hate myself for falling in these quite-obvious-now pits. I mean I know they are there, and I still haven’t developed the skills to walk around them. WTF? Loser. Don’t call yourself a loser, loser!
I guess the thing is, to move off this shelf, I have to go see some fucking shrink again.
Just what I feel like.
So sick of this fucking ride.