Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

The Great Pretender (not-so-great really)


My attempt at celebrating my positives, as usual, lasted as long as I exhale. This is who I am now. I seem to be pretty shit at staying in that zone. I guess that is why I self-diagnosed with dysthymia a few days ago. I seem to have this new inability to sit on any self-made shelf of “not-shit” for any length of time, like I don’t trust my building skills – because I don’t. I don’t trust the feeling I artificially generate, as in reality, I never really feel okay, I am never really trusting anything, I am the Great Pretender. 

Except I’m not. I’m shit at pretending.

I went to sleep last night in a weird place. I was trying hard to pretend I enjoy and appreciate all of the good things in my life. Hey, on the surface, I have a pretty great deal. And I feel so damn ungrateful if I don’t appreciate that. So I drifted off to sleep angry at myself for not believing my own hype about my life. Good one, Paula!  Helpful as ever. My usual nightmares played, he was making love to her (not having the quick sex they mostly had) she was groaning in ecstasy, he came about ten times, in her, all over her, and she writhed in his attention and the mess they created in my bed, wrapped in my high thread count sheets. See, the thing is they have a much more exciting sexual affair than he has reported to me, I am a better imaginary affair creator than she ever was in real life. And I have no idea why my psyche continues to haunt me, even when I accept that my sex life is dead! So, of course, I wake up in pain, and I have already had a fucking cry today! I HATE fucking crying!  It is so pathetic, and it no longer cleanses, just makes me feel trapped in my own crappy mind, my own crappy imaginings, my own crappy imagined fetid mess.  I know not to, but I fucking hate myself for falling in these quite-obvious-now pits. I mean I know they are there, and I still haven’t developed the skills to walk around them. WTF? Loser. Don’t call yourself a loser, loser!

I guess the thing is, to move off this shelf, I have to go see some fucking shrink again. 


Just what I feel like. 


So sick of this fucking ride.



6 thoughts on “The Great Pretender (not-so-great really)

  1. Do yourself a favor – find a really hot shrink!
    Hugs again, my friend!

  2. UGH… I’m so sorry you are stuck on this fucking roller coaster!! Maybe a new (hot) shrink will be just what you need especially as you now have your dysthymia diagnosis to discuss. Hopefully a new perspective will be just what you need right now! Hopefully you just talk to yourself on here or you may need to discuss your schizophrenia/multiple personality disorder too 😉

    Just remember you’re not alone, unfortunately we all have wonderful imaginations where our husband’s infidelities are concerned. Rant as much as you need to xx

  3. I love “tempted’s” advice.

  4. Bahahaha! The LAST thing on my mind is hot shrinks. Hot anything-you-do-for-a-living. But thanks girls. I needed the laugh.

    And PW, you may well be right! I sure feel like a class A fruit loop most of the time 😉

  5. Ok, I think we should all get together and write the screenplay for a movie! I am right there with you in the imagination department. I think I could seriously put a romance novelist to shame. My husband just stares at me sometimes when I describe what is in my mind and says it was NOTHING like what I am describing. It is maddening that he would risk so much for crappy sex. Even my therapist says I am way off base. She reports that hot sex in affairs is rare. Most cheaters report tremendous guilt, performance issues, etc. This must be because she sees the ones are remorseful and have a conscience, so even during the affair they were bothered by what they were doing.

    I guess I should shrug it off, and let it be karma or whatever that he cheated on me with some diseased whore and the sex was SO not worth it! So how did THAT work out for ya?

  6. Fifty Shades of Fucked Up, the sequel, huh EG? I bet we could do better than that inane piece of “erotica” that passed as mommy porn.

    Man, the self destruction is amazing, huh, EG? I always feel like it is so much worse for those of us who are genuine, loving, empathetic women. We are the worst people to cheat on, not because we want to make you pay, or walk away, but because we believe in people, we truly think people choose the “right” paths, because we do, but unfortunately, many more don’t give a damn. Oh well, lesson learned 🙂

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