Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Why, oh why, didn’t I start this when I was kicking arse?

7 Comments

I wonder why I didn’t blog in the beginning?  I never even thought to look online for much help. I mean, I did Google affairs, etc, but never really thought of the blogging community. I wonder if I thought it would pass, the feelings I felt in the aftermath of the demise of The Greatest Love Story Ever Told – ahem, MY love story guys, NOT the stupid affair, that was just shits and giggles (mostly at my expense, I fear!)

When I eventually did start with the internet shit, it was on sites about reconciliation, sites that “proved” that you could Have a Better Marriage, see, look at US, my husband’s affair made us BETTER, SEE, SEE, LOOK AT US, don’t we LOOK so happy [jabbing husband in the ribs, hissing, “look happier, stupid-cheating-liar husband!”] I thought it was helping, but in retrospect, maybe I was asking myself to do something I have never been good at – no, not forgiving, I think I am okay-ish at that (friendships that I should have terminated years ago, but I FORGAVE the person for things maybe I should have talked with them about, and maybe moved away from?) but moving on without the baggage weighing so damn heavily. 

In the beginning, although my heart was so very splintered, bruised, stomped on and burned, I thought I loved this man too much to walk away from his “mistake” – (it was an accident, my dick accidentally fell in her vagina) sorry, he never said or suggested anything like that, but a mistake I understand, this is a mistake. But fucking my friend, in my houses, all over my property, while I am at work all hours given because YOU BOUGHT A FUCKING LEMON OF A FARM THAT DOESN’T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR US TO LIVE WELL ON, that is no mistake, or it is a series of really fucking huge ones, and you are a VERY fucking fuckity fuck-ing slow learner!

Breathing…..

Anyway, this post is about how much anger and venom still gets spouted here. I am not really like this IRL. I look okay. I ACT okay. I just wish anyone here reading about my crap could see there is more to me than pain and regret. I used to be fun. I used to HAVE fun. I used to think we were going to be okay. I thought that for at least three years, probably longer. He is so damn sorry, and so damn patient, and he loves me so damn much, but I am not better. We do not have a Better (non)Marriage. I cannot write a bestselling book titled How My Partner Fucked Around, Shared His Hopes and Fears With a Class A Whore-Posing-As-Friend and We Are Now So Fucking Great, Suck It Bitch!

So, I wish I had posted as old Paula, that kind, sexy, loud, funny, loving, go-getting, kick-arse bitch that she was. The one who he fucked hard in haybarns in the rain, bent over the bonnet of his ute, or slowly, tantalisingly pressed up against the interior wall of the stables, sweat pouring down her naked body as he licked it off, the one he literally ripped the clothes off in the middle of an open paddock and went down on in a thunder storm, who rode him like a cowgirl, who he took and seduced with a candlelight gourmet dinner he lovingly prepared in the maimai, the place of choice they fucked in mostly, in an attempt to reclaim it as “ours” on a cowhide rug in front of the fire, the one who did anything and everything for and to him. Then you might see me. The one who still exists only in my head. Then this whiny person posting here wouldn’t look so bloody pitiful. I miss old Paula, I liked her, she was great to have a few drinks with, dance a little, talk to for hours, she was a great listener, despite being a loud mouth who talked too much, a rare combination, a loud-mouth-who-actually-listens.

So, to all my friends here, this isn’t me, this is a social construct, this pathetic excuse for a “recovering” betrayed partner. Old Paula was mighty, and I don’t know how to resurrect her, I thought she would just “come back” with time. 

Still waiting.

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7 thoughts on “Why, oh why, didn’t I start this when I was kicking arse?

  1. I think new Paula is pretty cool, and I have seen a bit of old Paula as you describe her in some of my comments section. Here’s to getting your Happy back. I’ve seen bits and I don’t think you are as downtrodden as you think some of us think you are 🙂 Ha! Did you get that statement? ❤ Here's to kicking life's arse! ❤ ❤

    • Thanks NHMHP. I hate sad sacks. I know life isn’t all fluffy bunnies, but I was an “overcomer” prior to this and I find it infuriating that I haven’t “overcome” this, more than five years out, although I understand why.

  2. It’s amazing how different we all were before fucking affairs trampled all over our lives. I, too, spend a lot of time thinking about how different a person I was, pre-affair. And I’ve gotta tell you, the old Paula sounds like a hoot! And a raging sex machine LOL! So, what goddam reason did your ass of a husband have to go and fuck some whore? It must do your head in, some days. I know it does mine. Thinking of you. xo

    • Hi shattered. Sorry you have lost your groove, too 😦 Stinks, huh?

      Yep, I also liked old Paula, but I can’t seem to make her stay around anymore, dammit! She used to be the life of the party, and you could never get rid of her 😉 !

      If you read more of my “back story” you might see what the reasons (justifications?) were for Rog to lose the plot. He was even IN the affair, wondering WTF he was doing – DURING what he was doing. He kept thinking to himself, “what ARE you doing, dingus? This is so stupid, you have an awesome chick at home, and this one is truly not cool – and such a slack fuck – so WTF?” But he didn’t. Not for fifteen months. And then it was just too late.

  3. Well…here I am over “10” years later….after a year long affair he had. Somehow I had gotten through it and he regained about 80% of my trust. Then several years after….I found a little something here….and an email there…..counseling had helped me. I’m trying too find ME again also. Want to get back into the work force, with little to no skills and experience. Don’t even know what it is I want to do. We have a new “status quo”….still living in the same house ( no alternative financially). He knows I don’t feel in love or want to be intimate. Most days I’m extremely anxious. Just have to keep going. We’ll get our mojo back!!! 🙂

  4. Go NTMU! Mojo hunters of the world unite!

    Have you any ideas about your new career, are there any possibilities raising their hands – even half-heartedly? I hope so, it is important, or we get to wallow in this without building a way out of the sadness. Have you found anything to help soothe the anxiety for you? I have developed social anxiety this past year, and it is really scary, so I do understand. Bach flowers help me, and I keep Rescue Remedy pastilles and mouth spray in my car and handbag, for moments when I worry I will lose it.

  5. I didn’t know the old Paula, but I think the new Paula still has a fucking awesome spark to her 🙂 You will find the old Paula again, or rather, you’ll create an even better Paula. Don’t let him take her away from you. xoxo

    And P.S. Jesus, what a sex life. I am incredibly jealous. Like, slack-jawed jealous 😉

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