Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Every Day I Love You Less and Less

5 Comments

In the music groove (oh God Paula, go back to uni!)

This always cracked me up – and now I get it. I am still riding this roller coaster. Some days I love him more, but mostly I love him less. I think I love the guy he used to be, and the guy he wants to be again, but I can’t get rid of the arsehole Rog. He exists. He denies he does, he says he was a fuck up, an aberration. But he exists, he might just be hiding today. Or tomorrow, or next year (you get the picture, trust, once broken is never restored.)

Off to the lake with four 15 year old girls in tow after D finishes her cafe shift this afternoon. They are on holiday now for two weeks, so there is a week overlap, and I don’t need to be back at work until Friday. Yeeha, girls on tour! Should be fun. Hope I can keep the lake triggers in check, I am much better than I used to be about it. Love my bach!

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5 thoughts on “Every Day I Love You Less and Less

  1. Pingback: They Love Each Other | Hipster Intelligence Agency

  2. Yes. This exactly. I love the man I dated in high school, through college and then married. I love the man I had four children with. The man who was faithful and devoted for over two decades! I don’t love the selfish, self-serving a/hole who cheated on me. He also swears he doesn’t know who that was. He was crazy, he hated himself even while it was going on. I think I could love the man he seems to be trying to become again. But like you, I remember all too well the man that I fear lurks inside. Whenever he says something stupid, whenever he complains about something around the house, the rational me says “this is normal, remember? People complain and say stupid things”. But crazy-me says “oh no, not YOU again! Making a list of reasons to say its ok to cheat on me, are you??” And then we are off to the races, because it “hurts” him that I “obviously” “STILL” don’t “trust” him. Balls to that!

    • Such a long and damn painful path EG. I do admire your grace in dealing with it (mostly!) – you named yourself with huge insight.

      Trust is such an odd beast. You give it reasonably freely, but boy, if it is abused you sure hold it close to your chest afterwards.

  3. Have a great time with the girls! You deserve a break! 🙂 And yes, once the trust is gone…it’s gone.

    • Thanks lonely. I am relaxing and “enjoying.” However, I know I never FEEL true happiness or joy anymore. This break is just “better” blah. (Makes no sense!) Kinda just auto pilot existence. That is actually good in my new world. Just meh. To everything. Meh.

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