Am still at the lake. Head home tomorrow. Despite four fifteen year old girls here with me, it’s been a lonely time. Not desperately sad lonely. Just solitary. I am so alone in the world now. And I am still a bit uncomfortable with the fit. I will wear it in eventually! I’ve done nothing but cook and read and walk. That is a luxury in itself. Rog came down for two nights but he was fishing with a friend the entire time so his company didn’t count – if it ever does now anyway.
Back to work and then back to a punishing schedule next semester of full time uni and running my work office. I’ll need at least two days per week in there and really need five from October. So I am a bit worried I have bitten off a bit much. I’ll manage. I always do. But I hate the way the tension knots me these days.
Tearing at the Fabric 
Jul 9, 2014 at 12:09 pm
Dear Paula — do you have any local lady (trustworthy wenches) friends? Seems as though Rog has friends that he can call on and go fishing, etc. It must stem his loneliness. I think you need a good gal friend, one who is tried and true that will stem yours.
Come visit NY and we could get in some serious trouble 😉
Jul 9, 2014 at 9:09 pm
Thanks tempted! Actually I have tried forging new friendships, or rekindling old ones. I don’t want to befriend anyone too closely from my hometown. I am embarrassed! I know! So stupid. But I am. I am so embarrassed he did this after all we had and how magnificent we were – hell, how magnificent I was! I was so trusting, so fucking self sacrificing. I am embarrassed I gave him such free rein and put myself out for him so much! I fucking always organised kids. He just carried on! I stayed in when we couldn’t find or afford a babysitter. I was alone then as we were the only ones with kids for a long time. So I have looked outside of that selfish crowd. The two women I started spending time with BOTH turned out to be living extremely unhappily with cheating husbands! Like I am a shit magnet! I keep in touch with one, but she is being passive about it and sad when communicating with me. She has no one so I have tried to strengthen and support her. She won’t DO anything about confronting him – and she has tons of hard evidence – he is an angry man and I know that spending too much energy on her is draining for me, so I keep myself safe.
I am trying to just take it one day at a time. Breathe. Appreciate the small stuff. Friendship can’t be forced. I have tried but I think it will happen organically now as pushing it has just uncovered more pain in others. I don’t need that.
Appreciate your friendship and suggestions, tempted x.
Jul 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm
Friends from different points in our lives is hard to find the one that sticks with you like glue. I have a few good friends, but at times, we’ve drifted. I really can’t handle drama and when that occurs, I dial back. I also don’t throw my drama on them. Guess it’s a coping mechanism / preservation thing.
I have friends for different aspects of my life. I have close relationship with my family, too. Guess we search and find what we need in friendships at the time we need them! Hugs – here’s to tomorrow!