Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Home. Whatever that means anymore.

8 Comments

Made it back. The weather is closing in, storms down the island yesterday and today, we have missed the worst of them. Nevertheless I am pleased to be back home, the fire is roaring and I am just doing a bit of unpacking and tidying.

This is such a weird part of my life. I don’t fit anywhere anymore. I always felt comfortable, wherever I landed in the past, but since my darling boy cheated, or rather, since his skank texted me to tell me they had been fucking, I can’t find a toehold in the world. Very frustrating! I am home, and I look forward to coming home, but then I get here and wonder where my home is anymore? Same thing about going to my “other” home, the lake house, I look forward to getting there, and on some level I enjoy it, but I am always waiting until I can get “home” again. I even lived there for a month, during one of our separation periods, so it really is my other home. Gahhhh. I hate the life I have been handed by two selfish sluts. But I keep trying to make a new one, to make a better go of recovery and can’t seem to push off properly in the right direction. It just hovers over me, no matter what I do, and no matter where I go. Bastards. Then I get angry at me for ALLOWING their actions to affect ME. I am mighty, I know this deep down, but even when mighty, I feel shitty about who I am, and like I can’t beat this damn sadness, and I am bloody angry about my lack of progress, like I am incapable of choosing happy.

Welcome home 🙂 !!!

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8 thoughts on “Home. Whatever that means anymore.

  1. One bit of hope I gleaned from this entry is that you DO get angry. That’s a good response! If you had no response, didn’t care, didn’t feel then that would be very worrisome.

    Hugs, one hour at a time…xx

  2. I agree with tempted. Angry is good. And this is perhaps the ONLY time that getting angry with yourself is good! I said something similar to my best friend recently. I don’t fit in this world. Yet I also get angry with myself. Why should I let the choices of two selfish, screwed up people rob me of so much? The affair stole a great deal from me, but at this point I need to be careful not to GIVE it anything. Then I flip the other way, and say well of course! You can’t really remove the stench of whore, and he smeared it all over my HOME.

    We’ve got this my friend, we are strong, we are better than them, we will walk it off one day at a time!

  3. I agree – better and stronger for it. Gosh, I wish my mom was alive for her wisdom. I suspect she survived infidelity, too, and she LIVED an amazing, yet challenging life. I really miss her!

  4. Well said girls! The anger is necessary. But living mad at the world when you can’t change the event, only your own destiny, after five years and almost two months is deeply painful and frustrating! Anger propels you to make changes, to protect yourself better.

    Yes. EG. Stench-of-whore, eye-of-newt, smear-of-pus! Gross people. All over my life, houses, etc. Scummy scum.

    tempted, my mum was also a survivor. She blossomed after living knowing my dad cheated (he’s gay.) They were happily married for 18 years – or so mum thought- and then another year before she kicked him out. I wish I could talk to her, too. She was mighty. And just downright resilient and awesome. She would tell you it took another year and shifting away to find her first toehold after her lovely life was torn apart. She had incredible strength and unlimited love. Will be 13 years since she died tomorrow. She loved Rog. And she wouldhave been the most incredible support. Miss her terribly.

  5. Are you still planning on separating after your youngest leaves?

  6. Oh yeah, Let go, that is the plan, and we both know it. We discuss how to do this kindly, often. He asked me to go look at a business with him the other day, and I have shared my plans with him, and asked for his help in buying a dairy goat operation, to help me go through the books, and apply for any mortgage required. We plan on listing the farm this spring, to see if we get any nibbles (it is a little unique and will take some time to appeal to the right buyer, we are picking.) He agreed immediately to help me. We are just trying to get through this in the best shape we can, and with as much compassion for each other as possible. That is the stinger, he is a good guy, he just fucked up our lives by making seriously fucked choices for a while.

  7. I have kept up with your blog and your heartbreak is so sad. Why did he do it? Does he know? Look how long it has taken for your marriage to die. It should be a cautionary tale for those contemplating cheating.

  8. Thanks Let go, yeah, he is not a permanent dickwad, just a very fucking great one for fifteen months of our 26 years together – and that stain is impossible for me to live with. If you read our back story, I think I explained about the whys, etc. He had a life crisis, (mid?) and made some seemingly very sensible (to him) decisions that excluded my input (how to make a woman mad – discount her) and when we moved away from my home and support system to pursue his lifestyle (read lower income – just as our kids were about to head off to uni, etc, the really expensive years) I was angry, and a little scared. I got my first off farm job in seventeen years and it was busy, I worked long hours and was tired and pretty grumpy a lot. I talked to him about my concerns, and he labelled that as me “emotionally abandoning” him – such a crock of shit! He just didn’t have the skills to verbalise his fears and talk to me, and I never knew, because he always seemed open and easy to talk to the previous 19-20 years (at that point.) I brought his cheating ex GF into our lives – who he hated – and he used that opportunity, and her body, to self soothe. Because he could. Because her permanently single status and complete lack of morals or respect for my friendship allowed it. He even told himself it was “okay-ish” as he wasn’t hurting her non-existent husband! Like who am I??? I was a REAL partner who had given him everything, and he was pleased he wasn’t hurting someone who didn’t even exist! He had a breakdown, and all of who he was went out the window. I knew something was off, but never suspected an affair, they texted and chatted while I was present, he shared her texts with me, etc. I even asked him to go to MC with me, because I felt there was something amiss. He laughed and said we were absolutely fine. I knew we weren’t and went alone, but had no clue why I was there!!! He was still the same guy, still sweet, caring, loving and funny, we still made love madly and often. But he was fucking “my friend” the whole time – and I kept inviting her and her little boy to all our weekends away, etc – as I felt sorry for poor, struggling, lonely Leanne. Idiot that I was, lol.

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