Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Distance

23 Comments

I have been thinking about this post for a few days – so unlike me to almost plan a post! I have been reading about people’s struggles with the skank who decided to fuck their husband. There are many different instances of these women – and I am using a gendered label here because I am addressing my own situation, and those of the women whose blogs I read. Hey, it works both ways, but I will describe it thus, because it seems so many of the bloggers are women who have been cheated on.

Bear with me.

You see, I am a lot further – in terms of time passed – from the cheating that happened in my life than many of the bloggers I read are. That doesn’t give me any grand wisdom, or sense of being more healed, or anything else you might think might happen. But it does mean I have had longer to process this crap, and to live around it. I have noted how damaging the skanks are (I HATE the term “other woman” – they are not women, they are skanks, and putting them in the same frame as women is insulting to us all) the ones who obliterated the lives of many a loving wife and/or mother by thinking it was somehow okay to fuck around with a man who was supposed to be committed to someone else. Hey, I am no cheating husband apologist. The person who “owed” us faithfulness was the man we were committed to, not the skank. However, these skanks are hideous excuses for humanity, scraping up the scraps the legitimate (can I use that word?) relationship leaves behind. As tempted commented to me the other day, they are carrion.

So why do we fixate on these scum? And we all do. We all know how these skuzballs get under our skin, and fuck with our heads. And those are just the “normal” ones, the ones who are embarrassed, or do feel ashamed and scurry away to hide under the nearest rock. What about the ones that Nephila, nothate and I had? The “friends.” Or the ones who go full Fatal Attraction on us? Or both (as in my case.) What power do they have over us that makes us think constantly about them?

It’s pretty simple really. Our self esteem is smashed into unrecognisable shards and dust. So we wonder what was so fucking special about these skanks. They might be prettier, they might be thinner, they might be more intellectual, they might be better in bed. In reality, mostly from the literature and the anecdotal evidence I have seen, they are rarely any of these things. In my case, she was skinnier. But I can’t think of one other way she had anything on me. But did that stop me from kind of trying to “compete?” No, I ran and ran and ran, and I got skinny. Did that make me feel better? Hell no. I felt skinny. That was nice, but I wasn’t any happier. I am a mile over that skank in life.

And that was when I got it. Look who they had turned me into. I was competing with someone on looks, brains, love, everything really. Who the hell is that? I was never one to overly compare people. I celebrated difference. I liked that I wasn’t beauty queen material, but that I have my own allure. I am different to “most” – laugh here, who are most women? – women. I have red hair, fair skin, curves, I think outside the square, I am kind, passionate, love animals and the environment. I have a keen social conscience, I am and have been an activist and am not afraid to speak out. I don’t buy into the cult of celebrity. Why was I becoming a pawn in this game? I didn’t need to compete, and I didn’t WANT to compete. I am mighty and pretty darn awesome the way I am. Hey, we are all growing and changing, but I was buying into the beauty myth, the rat race, and a myriad of other crappy positions that western society encourages us to scrabble for.

So I decided to stop with the nonsense.

It wasn’t easy, I haven’t stopped any of the hurt, any of the recycling of the past and the agony that accompanies it all. But somehow I was able to evict HER from taking up too much tenancy in my brain. She is nothing. Even if she “won,” what exactly was it she won? An ageing, cheating, lying farmer. Good luck with that. The harder part to let go was that even letting HER go, I didn’t want her to “win” by splitting up. I know that even if she didn’t “win” him, she was absolutely certain that we would split. And that was the whole intent of her actions both by letting me know about the affair almost two months after he ended it, and by continuing to harass us for nearly three years afterwards. I didn’t want to walk away, because that meant she would have manipulated me into the exact position she aimed for.

Then I woke up again one day and thought, “so what.” So what if I leave, and she wins? How does that affect me? I mean, in my HEAD I had known this since D-day, but I had struggled with so much anger, and so much need to be heard, to be understood, to be apologised to by her. Eventually, it wasn’t there anymore.

That was the day I realised I no longer cared. She had no hold over me, us, or anything anymore. The battle was a hollow one anyway. I have never since then been tempted to look at her Facebook page, her LinkedIn profile, Twitter feed, Googled her, had to fight the urge to give her house the drive-by if I was in her city – all of which I did, or wanted to do in those first years. I no longer fantasize about torching her house, or spraying FILTHY CUNT in large letters into her manicured front lawn with weed spray. She has no power over me anymore. That is freeing. Does this mean I would be sad if I heard she had been the victim of a home invasion, raped, beaten and slowly, tortuously murdered? HELL NO. But I no longer actively wish that on her, or think about it much at all. I worked out that no injury visited on her would equal the one she visited on me. All I ever wanted for her was happiness and love. Now I am glad she has never experienced either, and I know she hasn’t really, as she has never had what I had, what we had, true, deep, passionate and connected love that made our hearts sing. I know that was what she wanted. She will never have it because she is a sociopathic bitch. TOIL told me some stories about the way she treated people that really made his mind up at the end, she is just nasty and horrid to people. She never makes them feel warm, loved or appreciated, but is always there to kick them when they are down, or even when they are trying to help. I just wish that that zombiefied, undead, unfeeling bitch had never crossed my path again, as this idiot felt sorry for her!

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23 thoughts on “Distance

  1. Love this on so many levels… I hope one day my mind stops dreaming of her and I’m finally able to let her die. Horrible thing is he is such a reminder of her. I super hate him for that.. I hate him for so many things again.. lately..

    I adore your posts. I adore your wisdom ❤

    • Cheers, nothate. I hate to say it, but it does take a lot of stages and you have to go through them, there is no shortcut! I am also reminded of her often, I look at him and see her hands and tongue and….. all over him. I am just now able to choose not to let her crap affect me the way it used to. I still dream every night of them fucking, or her raping me, but it is now kind of disembodied from the real person – I see her, I feel her hands on my flesh, but it doesn’t seem to be so searing anymore.

  2. I love this too. I actually think that if she had gone away, even without any shame, I would have not given her much thought these past 3 years, at least not since I told her husband 18 months ago, that was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done because I no longer felt she was controlling my actions or making me complicit. That was a turning point. And if that had been the last if it that would have been great. But she keeps showing up, so it’s not like I can evict her. I have to move her back in to decide the best way to deal. Even if that is crickets.

    I also agree with the first comment- he’s my biggest reminder of her. And I hate that.

    But honestly, if she stopped behaving now like she’s still trying to knife me? Then I would just bask in the mess that is her marriage and get on with grieving my own situation. But she won’t fucking go away.

    On that note I should update on that situation…

    I love your posts, you are further than most of us and it’s comforting to have the perspective. For the first 2 years I thought that when I got where you are it would all be fixed. Yeah, I was dumb and faithful.

    • I agree that if they bow out it has to be less painful and less dragged out, less exhausting. I can’t tell you how to get to the point I am now, all I know is it took a long time, I am not healed, it still hurts, but SHE doesn’t figure in that hurt in quite the same way, and dare I say it, but Argyrodes may well be even more special than my own special sociopath. She is brazen and ridiculously entitled. I just wonder if you just let her go for it. Let her crash and burn in her crazed entitlement. Paul hates her, she looks like an idiot. I think you underestimate how people who matter view her. I wonder if she just gets off majorly on the fact that she knows she has you upset, and attending conferences, hanging about just winds you tighter and tighter. I don’t know how to make it easy to let it all go, but I reckon she would self destruct if you just went, “fuck it – do your worst you fucktard. You can no longer touch us.”

      I think we all have unrealistic expectations of what time and “healing” looks like. I knew from the start that it would never be okay, it would never be the same, or as good, I knew he had shit all over our special love story, but living that it another thing.

  3. i refused to compete… it was stupid, and really just low…
    she was competing… because, of course, she was hearing about all the things i didnt do…
    thats how they get them eh…
    but also… the things he wanted her to do, but was too afraid to ask her directly… he played the wife doesnt card there too…
    ie: she never does xxx… skank then does xxx…
    but xxx was never something i was asked to do either…
    and that makes me crack the fuck up!
    i dont know how people fall for that crap!?

    to illustrate how this can go down… i ,knew this guy, hed been running through my group of friends, like four of them… :/ i dont know how, because he was really really very unfortunate looking… he started calling me, i was like eww? but one night my mum wouldnt let me not come to the phone, so when i did, she stood there, staring at me, like, talk! be nice! fuck off mum! you should see this dude! hes gross! so i played nice… and hes like, yo, i want you to prove youre better than your friends…

    my head exploded, i slammed the phone, yelled some crap at my mum about whether phone manners are so bloody important when youre being treated like a hoe or not heh.

    i went to my mates like, did he use this line on you?

    yes, yes. yes…

    and it worked!? who are you people!?

    *drink more to black out what massive idiots my friends are*

    everyone is stupid.

    except us, coz were awesome.

  4. Ha! Bam, you were so onto it. I can remember about a month in, and I had never thought of it at the time as literally competing, but I flopped down one day, no doubt sobbing, and said to him, “look what you have reduced me to with your selfish crap! I am now the teenage girl I never was! I am preening and posing and COMPETING with a fucking whore! This is not me, I have never been like this, I never did the self absorbed thing, and I don’t need this crap in my forties, I don’t need this crap ever, you fucking bastard!”

    TOIL never played the “wife doesn’t do that” card – I am a million of that boring cow, I was exciting, adventurous, and if we are talking about sex, it was me that led/suggested all the “fun stuff!” She was boring and a non-risk taker. I loved him, and he knew it – even when he was fucking her!

    • he said he liked that she was fun, lol, my immediate response was SINCE WHEN WERE YOU ANY FUN!? gosh, i kinda liked that he was a bit boring… i used to think boring was safe, little did i know! he got bored with being boring lol. stupid boring man.

      im pretty sure i had that same moment as you, im betting most of us did…

      • Oh he made out to her that I was boring and suburban. But when she said “poor thing you must not be getting any because you have a newborn” he totally disabused her. The only thing I like re-reading of their communication is that chat transcript. It’s a pretty awesome description of our sex life which ends with her saying “I don’t want to know, please don’t tell me!” Haha

      • the funniest part i read of their communications were her emo texts that she copied off the internet (i know because i had come across a page where they were all posted… verbatim!) and his lame ass replies! like, me too, and lol. but the best part was the look on his face when i showed him the page!

      • Yeah. Boring is right! How cliché. Go fuck someone ‘cos you’re “bored.” Life is not a theme park. A lot of it is mundane. But that’s when the truly amazing and sparkly stuff rises above and you appreciate all of that shit so much more. Hope you’re doing better now bam xxx.

        She also couldn’t bear that we had a very healthy sex life and that I was constantly supportive. She could never trip me up as every time she tried he would tell her that I was a great partner so lay off. I have since found out it was one thing he couldn’t stand about her, the way she was constantly trying to put me down. But the stupid thing is his words were saying one thing and his actions (keeping on with the affair) was saying another. Stupid fuck!

      • lol! im ok, thank you 😀
        i think im past the hurt bit, or at least 90% of it, coz i still have my moments… really im just stuffing and faffing about trying to figure out my own direction… what do i wanna do? where do i wanna go? single mum? eek! but i can do whatever the (&@(#&$ i wanna do! lol. just… what is that?

      • 🙂 boring is as boring does. You are gonna have some fun – I know it’s hard to work out which direction to launch off to. But you will bam xxx

  5. Reblogged this on Silver Linings and commented:
    So well written Paula. And you’re right, they don’t deserve to be classed as women with the rest of us. I had to put up with my husband’s skank harassing me after she slept with him, but when I turned the tables she sent the police to my door! Instead of taking some responsibility for herself, being a woman and just apologising for what she did. They’re filthy low lives and I hope they experience the same pain in their lives.

    • Oh bubsy! I left you out! Your bitch was fucking nuts too. It just makes it all so much worse. They chose to put their dicks in THAT??? Secretly text THAT??? They will never feel our pain because they are incapable of empathy, love or kindness. Nothing hurts when you don’t feel.

      • Lol, no worries, i haven’t actually blogged about that incident yet! I just couldn’t be arsed with giving it any of my time, she’s not worth the blog space!

  6. Good one !
    She also said that i win, i thought to myself “win what exactly? a competition that i didn’t know exist” Did she high five herself everytime after she slept with him ? Cause that’s pretty pathetic
    Early days post dday i kept thinking about what she has that i don’t but growing up from family whose father cheated gave me a lesson about affair, that it wasn’t about me it’s about them. Even if she had something more at least i had my moral, i’ve never slept and will never sleep with married man and try to befriend the wife at the same time. What a fifty shades of crazy

    She moved to our city this month but hasn’t made any contact thank God, i can’t control her so even if she tries i’m counting on him to keep the boundaries and be honest with me

    I don’t want her to die a terrible painful death either but if that happen i wouldn’t pretend to be sad

  7. I appreciated your post. It was if I wrote it myself. My husband had seven affairs over our 31 year marriage. The last long term was the worst. She was married and they were “friends” set up by my husband. You are right… skank is the title that she earned. It was a double betrayal for me as she pretended to be my friend for the six plus years they played together. I didn’t know about his double life until I discover the proof of this last affair. Always go with your gut! I found a great therapist for us. It took me some time to understand that this behavior had nothing to do with me. I was younger, smarter, skinnier, prettier and had a great income. So what was it? I’m not the type to wish harm on others. Well not once I come to my senses. I believe in Karma. Since ALL of them knew that he was married and three of them knew me well, I believe their day will come. His day has come. His world had come crashing down. It has been a year and a half of hell but it is always darkest before the dawn. Time will tell if we will make it through this but my eyes are wide open now.
    Love yourself. Stay strong and live with passion.

    Valentina

  8. I can’t wait to gain that distance. our beach vacation was perfect timing and since, I’m not obsessing over the Evil Bitch as much. I’m too gun shy to think that will last but I’m hoping it’s the beginning of my “distancing”

    Hugs and love to all on here..xxoo

    • Tempted, you have sounded like healing is happening in your house lately. So thrilled with your joint progress.

      I feel your journey will be a shorter one and the “conclusion” more satisfying than my own, and I am grateful that this can happen for my friends. I know it is not over yet, but great job Mr and Mrs tempted so far! Keep the momentum…

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