Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Racing this time…


Tomorrow we are racing. Our baby – the last horse we bred – is having his first start. I am a lover of the thoroughbred. I used to hunt to hounds – in NZ we hunt hares, with harrier hounds, not foxes, we don’t have them – on a thoroughbred, a good, old-fashioned New Zealand bred, Sugar Daddy, he won multiple races and was a fabulous ride, loved him to bits. I inherited him from TOIL, who no longer hunted when I met him, no time when calving. We had two broodmares, and we had a lot of fun deciding on the stallions they would visit, and it became a fun thing we did together, traipsing around the country following the progeny as they raced. We also bought shares in a couple of good horses, and had a heap of fun with them. Our own breed, not so successful! We got rid of the broodmares a few years ago. TOIL’s lifestyle decision means we earn about a fifth of what we used to. We can no longer afford the luxury of breeding and racing horses. But we have the youngest two stock left, a filly (Spider) who has had three starts, and looks encouraging, and this guy, Louis, just turned three (horse’s birthday being 1 August in the southern hemisphere, he’s not actually three until October) who has been a bit of a character. He was entered in the yearling sales, a cracking, strong, handsome type. Three days before he was to go to the prep farm, he injured himself. Badly. Split a front hoof in two, vertically, right through the meat of the hoof, right up to the coronet band. I thought we would be lucky to save him.

It was a Sunday, and we live about half an hour from our Equine vet practice. They rushed out, and we got the foot cleaned and bandaged, we wanted to let the swelling go down before we “glued” it back together. He was on strong antibiotics, and is needle shy, so we worked out some ingenious ways of getting any injectable meds into him, or choosing oral where we could. He was boxed for three months, and eventually, as the foot grew out, we managed to get a bar shoe on his foot, thinking he would be club footed, at the very least. X-rays were taken and he had chipped plenty of bone off in the fetlock joint, with the impact of what he struck with his foot. One big piece was particularly concerning. Our vet was doubtful we would get him back to racing condition. We nursed him carefully, and I found a fantastic supplement derived from green-lipped mussels, abalone, marine cartilage and plants that had some great data about bone/cartilage growth and support, even anti-inflammatory effects and analgesia. When he had been on this for nine months, and the hoof had grown out completely, into a beautiful shape, not club footed at all (much to my farrier’s relief and pleasure, he did a fantastic job alongside our vet) we had him re-X-rayed. The bone chips had all but disappeared, and the vet was thrilled to announce that he was so thrilled with the result, that he would pass him fit for sale to the lucrative Hong Kong racing market if he were asked (but that he was borderline at that stage, some vets would pass him, and some might not.) Nevertheless, we were thrilled. It meant we had a) saved his life, b) saved him for racing and c) given ourselves a maybe option in Hong Kong. It isn’t cheap to give these treatments, the supplement alone cost around $500/month – and I was getting it at cost through my work.

Long way to get to this point. Louis is racing for the first time tomorrow. We don’t expect much. He is getting fit again after a spell. We chose a small trainer in a small town near us. He has some panicky tendencies, and we both thought he would get lost in a large stable, with different handlers, etc. This is a father/son (and mother/wife) team.

They love him. They only have a dozen or so horses in work at a time, and they just think Louis is a hard case (that is kiwi for funny!) He has thrived.

I never thought we would get him to this point. I don’t care if he runs last tomorrow. He has had one barrier trial, and he ran really well. Most encouraging first trial.


Yep, it was always coming, huh?

Racing lost its gloss for me. I mean, I still love the horses, I still love the good operators out there, luckily in NZ we don’t have too many problems with cruelty, or bad operators. But, our joint passion faded. Why?

Because he fucked a whore around this sport.

The first time he fucked her was the first time one of our fillies won. He didn’t plan it, but if we are honest, he didn’t protect himself from it, he was subconsciously aware that if he WANTED to fuck her, he could, but he hadn’t yet realised that he wanted to.

The filly won. We celebrated with friends. He took her to our holiday home, with her kid, and our three. With my blessing. And he fucked her. And that started the ball rolling for fifteen months of lies and putting my life at risk. I asked him about staying in the same house, and how weird it must have been, was he tempted? He lied, and said she still repulsed him.

Every time we had horses racing for those fifteen months, SHE seemed to show up. It was weird. I had no idea about their affair, but I do recall thinking it odd that she kept showing up. I mean, we had tickets to the posh inner areas at premier racedays, and SHE would show up. ย They were in her city, okay. But when they were closer to home, often SHE would show up. I shouted her so many drinks. I went out of my way to find tickets to access owner’s areas, etc, for HER.

So, we are going to watch my baby, Louis, run tomorrow. I don’t get to see many of them race anymore, with work and uni. This race meeting is in the town they met for coffee in, two days before he fucked her again, two YEARS after D-day, when I had had enough and kicked him out for the third (and I thought final) time. He met with HER for coffee less than twelve hours later, in a neighbouring town. This is the town we will be in tomorrow.

He doesn’t connect the dots.

But I always do.

Triggers are the pits, even when you know you are done.




And, now for something completely different (well, maybe not, my favourite break up song in the world.) I have wept far too many tears to this gem over stupid boys! (Even though it is only two ๐Ÿ˜‰ )



18 thoughts on “Racing this time…

  1. I’m so sorry.. I grew up at the racetrack in Seattle, WA I love me some horse races. I will love them for you! Horses are amazing and I’m so sorry that TOIL and her spoiled that for you. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  2. I forgot to mention awesome job at saving Louis’s life โค that is tough work! Glad Louis is okay ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Oooh, cool. I worked in the racing industry before kids, one of my good friends here is from NC, and she worked in Kentucky for years after college, met her kiwi husband, who is now at the helm of our top racing stable. LOVE her to bits with her southern outlook, manners and accent!

    Louis is a funny old thing. His half brother, who was the most docile yearling I have ever prepped, moved my nose over to the left hand side of my face with a front foot when we were shoeing him for the yearling sales, a while post D-day. I had just discovered I was pregnant, despite a Mirena IUD fitted, and couldn’t face bringing another baby into this” new world,” despite the fact that I really had wanted, “just one more” after the birth of the third she was then about eleven (?) and I had seen the possibility of a late addition – funny, as I wasn’t particularly maternal at first, and the first two were “because you should, because I loved him so much,” and I DID adore them, and changed my life for them all. The third was “an accident,” avoided two methods of contraception! (She knows she is a star!) But then I was away, I physically wanted more! I had booked an abortion (he had no idea I was pregnant, I wasn’t going to tell him until after I had dealt with it – I was too distraught to deal with a baby, heck, I had attempted suicide twice.) But after my nose was splayed across my face, and I stood bleeding, holding Pete for teh farrier (who had no idea how badly I had been hurt until he nailed that last shoe on and stood up, aghast that I was still there) and nose beside my ear while the farrier finished up, I went and dealt with that at the doctor’s, cancelling my appointment at the clinic on my drive in. I miscarried that night. Wasn’t meant to be. I refused to have that “BandAid” baby. I know many here will be shocked. I just couldn’t be a mother to that baby.

    No worries, I will still enjoy the day, nothate. I am always determined too! Late winter racing, so there are four jumps races on the card, along with our baby’s 1000m (5 furlong) dash – should be a fun Sunday!

  4. Damn, my entire response didn’t make it!

    In short, I grew up around horses, too. My property was surrounded by 3 horse farms (Appaloosas and Morgans). I spent most of my youth in those horse barns!

    My dad bred and showed dogs back in the day, so I have a strong love for all things on four legs. Your stallion’s recovery is amazing, Paula! I wish him a long, healthy life!

    It’s sad when infidelity ruins more than one aspect of a life. It’s connection and connotation to hobbies, outlets, livelihoods really hit home when you try to reconnect to what made your life whole and happy. So sorry, Paula – xxoo Your desire for another child then the miscarriage on top of all this with TOIL makes my heart break. Hugs and love from NY xxoo

    • It’s all good, tempted. I can acknowledge the triggers and work around them these days. My mum bred a couple of litters of dalmation pups in cahoots with our bitch’s breeder. She grew up with my grandma and great-grandma breeding British Bulldogs. We were Holstein cattle breeders too, so I get your connection with our four-legged friends. My job is running the office and marketing of an equine reproduction facility. You can’t seem to extricate me from breeding things!

  5. My trigger is farrowing pigs, for reasons I will probably post about on my blog. But to give you the short version…me hand, arm elbow deep in a pig vagina, uterus trying to save baby pigs, him texting, sending pictures of my daughter playing with the babies to the whore ๐Ÿ™‚ As I’ve said before its a good thing I’m not violent and too cute for prison cuz I’d like to cut him….and by cut I mean casterate. I’m pretty sure I could do it right too, never tried it on a human but?? I’d be willing to practice on him

    Hugs, remember you are in the present, you invested your time and heart with these animals not her. Don’t let them ruin what you love.

    Easier said than done? Yep but you my friend are strong, and a fighter

    • Oh Kelly, I pictured that oh-so-clearly! I can remember a day arm deep in a lambing ewe when I just lost it, sobbing as I realised all the dirty jobs I have done for him all these decades. No way would Leanne ever touch a calving cow, or a whelping bitch, or milk 300 cows every day.

      • And that ho never wins. I make sure of that! I can work around triggers. Louis will get some love today. First time I will have seen him in a while, and since he got his hurredly chosen racing name! We got told about ten days ago he had come up quickly this prep and as their local race meeting was happening, they’d like to nominate him instead of doing the more usual thing of going to the trials again. We quickly chose a pretty average name! Is a gorgeous, frosty morning here, gonna be a cracker of a day!

  6. It sounds like he’s got some sort of toxic obsession with this ho-bag. He claims she repulses him, but over and over and over again, he finds himself balls deep in her again. He seriously fucked her again 2 years after your D-Day? After telling you repeatedly how disgusting she was and how sorry he was and what it mistake it was? What the actual fuck, man? I’m so sorry one more thing you loved was ruined by the selfishness of two gigantic assholes. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    • Hi TLM. Yeah. It reads really bad on its own. Hell, it is really bad. There was all kinds of fucked up involved in his breakdown. I had chucked him out. He felt this bizarre need to find out what it was about her that drove him to fuck up a perfectly wonderful twenty-five year love partnership for. I almost get it. He cleaned her out of his life by realising there was absolutely nothing there, most of the attraction was the illicitness and revenge on HER cheating. He finally got rid of her by doing that. She finally was expunged. You probably need to read the sordid and epic backstory, ๐Ÿ˜‰ ! But thanks for being so angry and disgusted on my behalf, appreciate that!

  7. Update. Louis was a star! He was second last on the turn for home, and he flew home for a great fifth. We didn’t expect that. He was only seventeen days back after a spell! It was only two and a half weeks off, but still. We were only using the day as a fitness run. What a cool dude.

  8. I am in no way suggesting this for you. I had a vaginal hysterectomy which left my ovaries in place but it took away the fear of cervical cancer. It was one of the best decisions I ever made because I had horrible periods. And finally I was free. Again, this does not suggest you do that but if you are continually having to have yourself check maybe you could discuss this with the doctor. I live in the United States and the medicine here at the time I had it done was a little more available to me than it would be now.
    Someone else has sent this to you. You are married to a serial cheater. When you were in the UK he had sex with anything that would lie down and spread her legs. I am not sure if you got your STDs from his lover. He may very well have been seeing other women. He sounds like he is very good at being humble when he is caught but you “forgive” him and when everything goes back to “normal” he is back to his old game. I think he was telling her the truth when he said if he had not married you he would not be married.
    I do not know what your future holds but you have lived in hell for five years and surely this is taking a terrible toll on you physically. If you can be completely detached from him emotionally then maybe you can recover some of your happiness. Depression is a cover for anger that is unresolved and I think you are so furious with this man and cannot do anything about it because he got away with it.

    • Thanks for your comment, Let Go. I am in the clear for cervical cancer now. The treatments I had seem to have worked well. I don’t worry about it. I get checked six monthly. I have only ever had four periods in my life so that is not an issue. I am happy with my care.

      I will agree that there is more to this than this affair. But I don’t think you quite have it right. He was a single, 29 year old man when I was in the UK. Most young people have sex. He wasn’t any more or any less active than any of our contemporaries. I don’t have a problem with that. He knew the women he slept with. He wasn’t bar hopping and he was using protection. Other than the young, drunken stag do brothel visit – which isn’t great – he hasn’t fucked around. I have had this conversation with him. We both see there is more than a mistaken fuck because he could. We didn’t have conventional history and this did cause some ethical crap in his head. But he knows how terrible what he did was. Believe it or not Let Go, he really is a lovely man. And he fucked up. Badly. And I am emotionally detaching. I feel reasonably level at the moment as we work towards the end.

  9. Even with the hell you have been through I so wish there was a future for the two of you but when love goes, it goes. I have seen that in my own family and with all the counseling and encouragement the marriage is over. Is there anything he could do at this point? If you leave do you plan to stay in the area?
    I guess I thought because he put you two in terrible debt without consulting you that it was in a long line of dismissing your needs. Add that onto cheating for a year and a half with a family friend and he comes across a selfish person. I went back and read why he needed to get out from under family but you are his partner. Well, guess what…my husband did almost the same thing. Quit his job and found another across the country and the kids and I followed in his wake. He did that twice. The second time I got a job and dug in my heels. Happy to say we stayed put. It really must be that damned midlife crisis. They lose their fricking minds!
    So glad the cancer scare is gone. Is your health good otherwise? Stay well.

    • Thanks. I worked so hard to try to put a ring around this, he was and is, disgusted at who that person was. But I can’t. And I accept that now. The future we have is one of celebrating our lovely family together. Our deep friendship is still there. We enjoy each other. But my psyche won’t allow sex or emotionally intimate connection as it sabotages us. I know this. I now accept this. Sorry your husband’s mlc manifested in such sadness. My health is pretty great. With work and uni I am not as fit as I once was, but still run at least 3x a week. I got a laugh a couple of weekends ago. My youngest daughter has won a full scholarship to a French speaking country for six months next year. It is a government funded award, but AFS administer it. We had our first fun day meeting at a hot spring complex. The kids told D that when we walked in they thought we were both twin exchange students. Boo ya. 46 year old high school student! (Did suggest I would shout them optometrist appointments!) I am in reasonably good health, eat clean, organic and exercise my body and mind.

      • Oh. We are not in debt! We own millions of dollars worth of freehold property, but cashflow is cosiderably reduced. It could be a lot worse! I am lucky there.

        I do not plan on staying in the immediate area. But could possibly end up in the general area as I am planning on looking into an organic dairy goat operation, and this region is most suitable.

  10. I have always wanted to visit NZ and it is because of reading about people like you. I hope your goats behave better than ours. They kept escaping and we got calls from all over. Finally gave that up.
    Our daughter studied in France for a year and made wonderful friends that she still stays in contact with them. It really is a small world because I went back to college in my 40s and was a much better student the second time around.
    I had no idea there were blogs about cheaters until I happened on one by accident. They have helped explain things that happened in my extended family. Little by little I got invested in so many of you and have cried over the pain all of you feel. I hope you have nothing but good things in your future.

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