Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Clearing the air


As is usual in our house, we tend to sort things out after an altercation in 24-48 hours. TOIL asked me if we could please talk about the fight we had about his discussion with me about this blog.


So we did.

He told me that he was incredibly disappointed with how that went down, “I’m gutted that went all arse-shaped,” were the actual words. He said that he felt he didn’t communicate what he was feeling and thinking very effectively, or with the right kinds of words, but that he has learned during this all this time, to talk, to say when something is bothering him, or he thinks something is bothering me. So he did. But it came out wrong (he says this is why he was not a great communicator before the affair – which to be fair was news to me until the affair, because I thought we were pretty great on the communication front, I had no filter, I shared EVERYTHING, and assumed he did with me, we certainly talked and laughed a lot – but he was filtering what to share, I just didn’t even think to do that!) He apologised, and said that while he still feels uncomfortable about some of the stuff that is here, obviously he doesn’t like being reminded about his absolutely appalling choices and how he was capable of endangering me and our children, etc, etc, etc. But he was concerned about people raining hate on me if they read what I write, even though I say it is unlikely, and that I don’t care. He conceded that he has no knowledge of the blogging process, and understands better now that he thought this would be a space where I record victories, and the positive things and steps I/we have made. He acknowledges this was naive and overly optimistic!  He apologised for the fuck up.

That helped.

Then he was very kind all day, telling me that he knows how hard I have worked to try to forgive him, and to heal these past five years. He also said that he knows that when I move on with my life, I am absolutely going to nail it. I looked at him, and said that I was already nailing it, before he nailed ME to the wall, but that I appreciated his words. He then replied that he knows this, and he has always admired my ability to adapt and grow. He is so proud of my uni results, even thought he feels like he can’t be, because this is all mine, and he isn’t a part of any of it.  In fact, he even went so far as to say that when he was fucked in the head (and a few other parts of his anatomy!) that he actually thought I would be okay, almost cool with it, because I am such a chill chick. He REALLY believed that while HE was spinning out of control, if I ever found out, I would forgive him, and turn the other cheek, because that was who I had been for the whole (up until then) twenty-one years. Like, yeah, okay, you were fucking around with a whore, and I would just go, “oh well, that’s a bit shit, never mind, let’s just carry on like nothing happened.” Un-fucking-believable. The brain explosion just boggles the mind. 

Fuck, apparently I am legendary forgiving!!! (And legendary chumpy!)

So, this post is somewhat just to clear the air….

In other news, I did a full day on the farm today, and it was just beautiful. I am really a farmer at heart, and have struggled with the loss of my fulltime Holstein-Friesian herd, and my management and care of them.  Posting a couple of snaps of the lovely clear day here, late winter, 2014 🙂

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17 thoughts on “Clearing the air

  1. Well, that’s better than the alternative (of which we have lots of examples in the cheater blog world right now). It does count for something when they are really remorseful. And I think after the time we have been dealing with this Paula we do know the real from the fake remorse.

    But at the end of the day it doesn’t fix it does it? And I’m totally stealing the “well that’s a bit shit” line. Best understatement ever.

    I’m glad he gets it. I really am. Points to TOIL. Now how is he at building time machines?

    While I’m here, I must have missed why he’s called TOIL. I know he didn’t want his name on but I always imagined him as the TOKAR or something.

    I love the farm photos, and I’m the ultimate city girl. Though I did spend a few summer holidays mustering on my uncle’s farm which was fun.

  2. Been trying to commission him to build that pesky time machine for years, Nephila. We have all the parts, just can’t seem to put the thing together well enough to make the damn thing work!

    I went with an acronym. The One I Love (d). Doesn’t hurt that it has been a hell of a task, plenty of hard toil these past few years.

    • That’s a very good acronym Paula. Very fitting. I do pity him (and Paul). They lost even more than us. Because they lost us. We only lose them, not even permanently.

  3. i want a time machine too!!!! ya had a nice day there too! was lovely up here for big boys birthday, very springy!

  4. Tearing, I do not want you to leave your marriage. My husband and I had been married the same amount of time you had been when your husband had the affair. In my case a job that my husband loved was snatched away from him and he was left hanging in the wind. We had a little money and had to make a decision on how to invest it. Lots of mistakes were made before we finally settled on something. During that time, which took about four years, he turned all that anger and frustration on me. At one point doing a tirade he told me he had never loved me and he had never been happy. This is the man I have had children with and traveled with and moved because of jobs with. He sounded so determined to end it that I made the same decision you did and went back to school to finish my degree. I assumed that I would be a divorcee in my middle 40s. During that year that I was in school we continued to have sex but we did not communicate in any other way. I concentrated on school and he concentrated on the new business. At the end of the year I was standing on the top of the driveway and he was at the bottom a good acre away from me. He yelled up the hill “Ilove you” and that was the end of it. We never discussed any of it we just got on with our lives. I have come to the decision that marriages oftentimes have awful things happen to them and it depends on whether or not you just stick or you don’t. He and I stuck. We had a good marriage before and we have a good marriage now. When I think back to those four years it is like I was living with a different person. Stress often does that, especially with men and their jobs. If you ask him to write down the five most important things in his life I promise you his job would come number one or number two. I would imagine that the sex with that woman was secondary to the excitement. The excitement that hid all of his failures and all of his frustrations. That is what I have come to realize about a lot of affairs that happen to middle-age people. They can cover up a lot of things during that time by just being completely divorced from pain, fear, frustration and the idea that they are never going to be who they planned to be when they were young. Forgiving your husband is difficult for you. I am sure because of where he had sex with this woman, how many times he had sex and the fact that she was someone you knew. I don’t think any of that mattered to him, he was hiding from himself behind that. If you can take away the idea that this meant anything to him other than a smokescreen maybe you can forgive him. I don’t know you but you are, as far as I can tell, such a decent, hard-working, loving person that you deserve genuine happiness. If you had it with him before I think you can again. I never thought that I would love my husband again after he turned on me so badly but I do. But I needed to change as I had some maturing to do as well as he. I don’t think you need anymore marriage counseling. But I think what you need to do is hate his guts, love him, want to kill him, love him and finally forgive him. I really don’t think the sex part of any of that meant anything to him. What he wanted was to be 20 years old and to begin his life again without making any of the mistakes he made.

    • Let go, thank you. Everything you say here is true. But I now have serious sexual dysfunction. That is the difference between your situation and mine I guess. I was absolutely fine until the two year mark. We are and always have been (even during his affair) exceptionally close. But I can’t bear sex now, even alone. Or the thought of it. He knew, even DURING the affair that he was using her as a tool to self soothe. He was surprisingly lucid about a lot of it. That almost makes it worse!

      I totally agree about counselling. We had more than we needed anyway! And honestly, I learnt nothing new. Some connections were made and I know Rog got a lot out of one guy in particular. Like the blinkers came off. But we are done with throwing good money after bad 🙂

  5. I’m glad there was a peaceful resolution to this for your sake, although I’m throwing the bullshit flag on the whole “I honestly thought if you found out I was fucking a whore, you’d be cool with it” line of thinking. If that were REALLY true, he wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to hide it from you. He knew he was fucking you over and that it would devastate you should it be discovered and was simply hoping to God you never found out; it serves no one to pretend otherwise, IMHO. I do believe he convinced himself you would forgive him–partly because of who you are, partly because of all the history you have, and partly because in his mind he’s Just. That. Awesome. I mean, how could he not be? He’s having sex with not 1, but 2 women at the same time! He must be pretty hot shit, right? *gags* He’s not even unique among cheaters for this kind of screwed up thinking; it’s part of how they rationalize their fucked up behavior. When it all comes to light it’s a bitter pill to have to swallow, admitting to yourself and everyone else just how much of an asshole you are; some cheater never can choke it down.

    At any rate, he is right about one thing. You ARE amazing and smart and strong, a fighter and a survivor, and whatever you path you take, you are going to nail it. You’re a beautiful person who deserves a beautiful life.

    • Hi TLM

      You got it. Absolute bullshit. He knows it and I know it! He now understands the lies you tell yourself to allow yourself to commit immoral/illegal/”bad” acts. He knows he was spinning himself a line. As he said, “it must have been bullshit because I continued to hide shit, lie, and not stop it for six months or so at the end when I knew I should.” He knew near the end when I started to look him in the eye and ask him if he was making a fool of me. I told him I adored him, trusted him, but was feeling a bit weird about the amount of contact he had with Leanne. He smiled at me with his kind, crinkly eyes, kissed me deeply, looked me in the eye and said I was being silly, all was fine, he loved me and only me, always had, always would, and held me tight.

      I fell for his bullshit then!

      Never again 🙂

  6. Lol I love that he thought we only wrote about our positives and steps forward on here…I wish we healed in a rose colored sweet smelling bubble, unfortunately most days mine is dark and smells slightly fishy like…oh yeah WHORE!!!

    Healing isn’t pretty, it flipping hurts, and we don’t sugar coat…I think affairs rip our filters out along with our hearts 😦

    At least he apologized if you are reading this TOIL you get an ‘Atta Boy” from me.

    I wish you could stay Paula in this life you once loved, but I believe there is happiness over the horizon for you.

    Great big hugs from me 🙂 calving season starts for us in two weeks. I still love seeing the babies

  7. Thanks Kelly. I have fought like mad to stay! I have a lovely life, the farm is so fab, I want for nothing material (oh, a few overseas holidays, a shiny new car, a wardrobe full of designer clothes that make my winter-fat body look super model thin, world peace… you know, nothing important ;-). ) I sit here tapping away at my laptop, procrastinating about going for a run before my horse comes home from the trainer’s for a spell, watching lambs skipping, jumping and playing right outside my window. I mean, how can you not smile at that cuteness and feel the warmth of that watery winter sun hitting my face?

    Yeah, it is pretty funny – a blog to celebrate all the good, all the warm fuzzies, while he sees my pain etched on my face every day! As I said, “if I was happy, do you think you would see the pain I carry like a backpack on my face, in my body daily, and only save the happy for strangers on the internet? Do you think I would be sad for you, and happy for ‘them’?” Mmm, up there for thinking Rog!

    I did laugh. We went to a friend’s 50th on Saturday night, lots of people I haven’t seen in literally up to ten years. I got three “oh my God, you have no wrinkles, you haven’t aged since high school”s and then the birthday boy’s wife sent me a message the next day saying the same, we were at school together, same year, and she was always a pretty, athletic girl, I was quite shocked at how aged she looked, to be fair! Apparently I haven’t aged a bit! I thanked her but then suggested she needed a new glasses prescription. I see lines and pain in the mirror, but maybe the body is bearing the load – it sure has done a great job of storing fat this winter! That fat must be plumping out the crevices in the old face 😉

    Good luck with the calves – do you only calve during the autumn at yours?

  8. I’m frustrated with this post (and especially the one before). Seriously, TOIL, you thought Paula would rebound just fine after your mid-life crisis fuck-up year? Seriously? Do you think that women don’t feel pain to the molecular level? That women are superficially made and the pain will slough off like dead skin and what will be revealed is younger, fresher looking scorned wife? Ha!!! What men don’t know about women…

    I’m frustrated at TOIL’s denseness, I suppose. But, it’s not just TOIL. I believe my husband felt the same way after I caught him in his big fat fucked-up lie.

    Why are we so hurt and shocked when our husbands take hours, days, weeks, months or years to apologize? WHAT MAN IS A GOOD APOLOGIZER? I think NONE (in my experience).

    We are the stronger sex — that is for sure. However, it doesn’t mean that the collateral damage is less. We lose pieces of ourselves with every hurt. Those pieces don’t grow back. They leave a void and that void can grow.

    There were times when my husband would fight with my oldest son and he would be just cruel and I would play the mother lioness and protect my cub. My husband would be mad at me (probably part of the great divide back then…how it started). Looking back at those fights, he wouldn’t understand that his words were cruel and that his anger would leave scars on my boy. My husband didn’t know better. He came from a dysfunctional home. It made me wonder if he did and said those things to me (prior to his cheating ways…), and I called him on it, would he see that pain/abuse more readily? Would he do that to the woman he “loves” and stop? Why can’t men recognize the breaking of their loved ones hearts?

    Hell, that’s the question of the universe. If they recognized it, would would all be happily married to the perfect mates and only post about ponies, rainbows and the latest fall fashions 😉

    oh fuck it, I need more coffee…xx

    • Great response, tempted! Fuck coffee, you’re mighty without it!

      You know, I always thought he would get this pain because he was cheated on. But it was different. They were young and didn’t even live in the same city, for starters. He wasn’t in love with her, just kinda “used to” or maybe “fond of” her. He really was somehow a bit oblivious to how deeply I loved him. He doesn’t have that anymore.

      I recall asking him several times what he thinks the result would have been had roles been reversed, if I was his only sexual partner, he had been brutally raped by an overweight woman who tore him up, and I had plenty, then long term cheated on him. You know his answer? Every time? He thinks he would be healed by now. He really does. So despite being cheated on, he thinks it is relatively easy to recover. You know why he recovered easily? Because after she was caught cheating they stayed on and off for a few months, then he met me, had a whirlwind romance and twenty plus fantastic years of real love.

      I am as frustrated as you, tempted!

  9. As you know, Paula, I was raped as a teenager, just as you were. It was very difficult for me to trust guys after that, and I did not want to be touched. The thought of sex was nauseating. Daniel came to my rescue. He was truly wonderful, especially considering that we were just a couple of young kids. He was patient and never pushed. Sometimes we just held hands. It was a few YEARS before I was ready. He gave me all the time I needed and he helped by being considerate and supportive and doing whatever I needed to feel comfortable. Once we got comfortable with it, our sex was crazy good. It is again now. We are just really damned good together in bed.

    I went through a period of not wanting sex after I discovered his affair, but it wasn’t long. I think that this may be different from you because I did not have to deal with their sex happening in my personal space, and because I did not have to suffer the indignities and disease afterwards, or with a repeat performance. Your recovery process is going well, considering those things.

    I have not suffered those things, but I do know how it feels to not want anything to do with sex. I don’t mean to tell you what to do – you are a very intelligent woman – but is there a possibility of trying to just hold hands first?

    • Hi DJ. Yes, I know. Actually, you might be surprised at how tender we are with one another. We even still sleep in the same bed, curled up tight with each other. I have mentioned before how fantastic our sex life was – 6 or so times a week, and they were NOT wham! bam! thank you ma’am-type encounters! He is a caring and attentive, VERY giving lover. We could go soft and tender for literally hours, or hard, fast, sweaty and HOT. We have given ourselves time, we have done a LOT of hand holding, gentle touch, and he still always grabs for my hand when he can see I need reassurance, or more commonly, a warm cuddle. Remember we did a few months of sex therapy. That involved abstinence at first , as we tried to rebuild a deep connection (with the eyes, silence, then reporting of our own feelings during the silent soul searching gazes to one another, etc) stroking of different body parts, with NO sex being the rule as I was being “re-introduced.” Roger has been very patient, NEVER forcing the issue. In fact, you have given me an idea for a post. “Therapy I Have Tried!” We have tried a few times these past three years, but I just can’t FEEL anything, and the mind movies go into overdrive. I can’t even be sexual alone without the mind movies cranking up, so I don’t bother (even though we had an incredible sex life, I was also good at pleasing myself in the past, sometimes he loved to watch.)

      We both felt sure that it was a normal thing, to go through a phase after being so badly devastated, scared and hollowed out, for me to not want to be sexual, but we both felt that it would pass, that I would resume normal transmission, as we did still love very deeply. I don’t love him the way I used to – he is a lovely guy, a sweet man, who did a dumb, selfish and terribly devastating thing, and in the past six months, I can see my love for him is a very different (inferior) beast to the fierce one she used to be. I think that is part of the key. Passion. I was ALWAYS passionate about him, even tired, grumpy, etc, I always felt a DEEP and abiding thrill for him.

      • Ah, I had forgotten the sex therapy – I’m sorry. How I wish things could change for you – I have sat racking my brain over you a number of times. We have never met, but I love you dearly.

      • And that love is totally appreciated and mutual.

        When we met, although I was 20 and had not had sex before, we were making love very early on. He never knew I had been raped until we’d been living together for nearly three years. He was horrified and sad I hadn’t told him. And he felt terrible that maybe our intense lovemaking might have been terrifying for me and I hadn’t told him. That was why I didn’t tell him. I didn’t want to be treated like I might break just because a fat guy thought he could rip me apart. I just wanted to he normal. I never told anyone except the medical staff who stitched me up and the police officer. I didn’t press charges. I just wanted to forget all about it. Mostly I did. I never revisited it. Until he cheated on me. Then the wound was opened and I guess all the infection festered away causing layer upon layer of hurt and aching loss. The loss of that young girl and the loss of the man I loved so passionately. I will never “get over” that loss. We had it all. No more. He wanted even more.

        I will carry on. But still searching for some pleasure and some spark. I don’t think it will happen again. Life is considerably different – and honestly – less. But I’m still here. Still standing. I am grateful for what I DO have and the women who have shared my story. Thank you all.

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