As is usual in our house, we tend to sort things out after an altercation in 24-48 hours. TOIL asked me if we could please talk about the fight we had about his discussion with me about this blog.
So we did.
He told me that he was incredibly disappointed with how that went down, “I’m gutted that went all arse-shaped,” were the actual words. He said that he felt he didn’t communicate what he was feeling and thinking very effectively, or with the right kinds of words, but that he has learned during this all this time, to talk, to say when something is bothering him, or he thinks something is bothering me. So he did. But it came out wrong (he says this is why he was not a great communicator before the affair – which to be fair was news to me until the affair, because I thought we were pretty great on the communication front, I had no filter, I shared EVERYTHING, and assumed he did with me, we certainly talked and laughed a lot – but he was filtering what to share, I just didn’t even think to do that!) He apologised, and said that while he still feels uncomfortable about some of the stuff that is here, obviously he doesn’t like being reminded about his absolutely appalling choices and how he was capable of endangering me and our children, etc, etc, etc. But he was concerned about people raining hate on me if they read what I write, even though I say it is unlikely, and that I don’t care. He conceded that he has no knowledge of the blogging process, and understands better now that he thought this would be a space where I record victories, and the positive things and steps I/we have made. He acknowledges this was naive and overly optimistic! He apologised for the fuck up.
Then he was very kind all day, telling me that he knows how hard I have worked to try to forgive him, and to heal these past five years. He also said that he knows that when I move on with my life, I am absolutely going to nail it. I looked at him, and said that I was already nailing it, before he nailed ME to the wall, but that I appreciated his words. He then replied that he knows this, and he has always admired my ability to adapt and grow. He is so proud of my uni results, even thought he feels like he can’t be, because this is all mine, and he isn’t a part of any of it. In fact, he even went so far as to say that when he was fucked in the head (and a few other parts of his anatomy!) that he actually thought I would be okay, almost cool with it, because I am such a chill chick. He REALLY believed that while HE was spinning out of control, if I ever found out, I would forgive him, and turn the other cheek, because that was who I had been for the whole (up until then) twenty-one years. Like, yeah, okay, you were fucking around with a whore, and I would just go, “oh well, that’s a bit shit, never mind, let’s just carry on like nothing happened.” Un-fucking-believable. The brain explosion just boggles the mind.
Fuck, apparently I am legendary forgiving!!! (And legendary chumpy!)
So, this post is somewhat just to clear the air….
In other news, I did a full day on the farm today, and it was just beautiful. I am really a farmer at heart, and have struggled with the loss of my fulltime Holstein-Friesian herd, and my management and care of them. Posting a couple of snaps of the lovely clear day here, late winter, 2014 🙂