As I lie here in the dark I wonder if one day soon this will be a time that brings sleep again
I’ve been listening to every bump and squeak for over half an hour. And wondering where my old friend sleep disappeared to.
I used to be a heavy sleeper. I worked physically demanding, outdoor jobs, with animals. Sleep came easily – and stuck – to my weary body. Then the baby decade struck and I did the usual. Our middle child didn’t sleep for longer than half an hour at a time until he was nine months old – then he could sometimes stretch to two hours. It took until he was fourteen months before he managed four-hours-in-a-row. When sleep looked likely again, when he was about nineteen months, I discovered, in shock, that I was 20 weeks pregnant!
Once those years were over with, I slept soundly. The sleep of the safe. Out like a light. After the affair, I slept poorly, sometimes getting a few deep hours after some long, sizzling sex sessions. In the Therapy Years I was once prescribed sleeping pills. I tried them twice but felt dopey all the following day, even on half a tab. These past three months I have had a return of the dreaded night wakefulness. I’m not entirely sure why. I have cut out my evening cup of tea and try to exercise a little in the early evening and watch what I eat. I think it may be to do with the knowledge that it really is over, I really will not be able to pull this once magnificent love story back together, and my mind trying to work out why. Why, if I loved him so deeply can’t I go forward with him? He gets it. He has been honest, loving, giving, DEEPLY remorseful, shattered by his actions. So why can’t I go on with him? I desperately want to. But my heart is so damaged, my mind never shuts down long enough for me to just be. Just sit in the moment. It starts sounding all the sirens, screaming at me, “but he was loving and attentive when he was lying, cheating, licking that rotten whore – don’t be such an IDIOT!!!”
Sleep. Wherefore art thou?