Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Shit that doesn’t work anymore


We tried to make love today.


We really did.

I don’t exactly know why. It’s been an incredibly long time. We had talked a bit in the last few days, TOIL asked me if there was ANYTHING, any chance there could ever be any rebuilding. It got me thinking. I haven’t thought so for so long now. But we like each other. He is still my best friend. I just have huge issues surrounding forgiving someone for visiting the worst pain, disease and the most selfish bullshit ever on you. I can’t seem to let it go (cue music….)

That shit ain’t love.

I couldn’t do what he did to me to my worst enemy – and I really mean that – even HER. I just don’t get off on hurting people, even if it seems like revenge is justified. So how can someone do what he did to me, still loving me, and then stop doing it, just like that? I will never be able to get my head around that. I know it was a slow burning brain explosion, but you still know right from wrong, hurt from love, how-to-roll-a-condom-on – surely?

So I decided to participate in an experiment to try to “just have sex” – no lingering lovemaking, just a physical release. It was crap. I still can’t feel anything – and I don’t mean deep, emotional intimacy, I mean actual physical nerve-ending feelings. It was okay, for a while, then I realised that I wasn’t going to get to O. Not that that has to be the destination, but my GOD it has been a long time, and it would have been a gigantic bonus. He was instantly erect, straining to hold himself back, and he tried all his tricks, pressed all the “usual” buttons, stroked, licked, kissed, probed all the ….. In his desperation to “get me there,” he lost his hardness – and seriously, this guy used to be hard about 80% of every day, I’m sure, lol – but carried on, trying to get something at least a little “nice” going on. He came fast, and he was gutted, as he wasn’t even fully hard before it was all over. God, we have turned into fucked up teen fumblers all over again. It’s embarrassing. It really is. 

During our playing, he tried to enter me a certain way, one of his favourites (and one I know he could never do with Ms Vanilla, as she is too boring, wouldn’t try anything other than missionary, maybe a cowgirl or two, and once she gave him a BJ – ONCE, in fifteen months, still shake my head over her uselessness – so it wasn’t that I was not able to because SHE did that) I just pushed him off, and turned into a different position. 

After is was very unsatisfactorily over, we lay there, entwined, staring at the ceiling. He apologised (his usual behaviour since I lost the ability to be normal and have one – yep, even if just one of the multis I used to have – of my famously earth shattering orgasms, which I used to have every time – and totally took it for granted, not knowing that sometimes that didn’t happen to everyone) which irritated me – he knows this, he knows I hate when he apologises for unsatisfactory sex. It’s not his fault NOW that I can’t enjoy sex. He is tender, patient, loving. The reason I am screwed (pardon the intended pun) is that I have weird history, and eventually that history wore me down. I then told him the reason I can’t participate in the position we both used to LOVE is that the pressure on the part of my anatomy that was ripped to shreds, inside and out, during my rape is the part that is most vulnerable when in Old Fave.  He was gutted, and felt terrible. But it isn’t something you discuss when things are good. We were able to do all of that for the first 25 years of our relationship – I am (was) really sexually adventurous, and nothing was a problem, even the “scary” positions, a bit of light bondage, that kind of thing, it NEVER bothered me. And my rapist had me completely pinned down, and I thought I was going to die as I couldn’t breathe. I know he asked me about all of that when he found out about my rape, about three years after we had moved in together (he was really worried that he had put pressure on me when I wasn’t ready, as he had no idea about the rape until then, and we had done some CRAZY sexual shit!) But back then, I was so hot for him, and so totally infatuated with him, there was no pain, no discomfort, no fear. But now I have it. Crazy. I am broken in yet another way. I had a little trouble for about a year after the birth of our first child with the same position (huge episiotomy scar – scar tissue on scar tissue) but that eventually came right with gentleness, and perseverance.

I cannot remember EVER having a bad sexual experience with him. I mean, never. We were pretty damn well matched. If things went a bit pear shaped, we would roar laughing and try something new. But all these years later, I am so broken, and it is a big part of my inability to plan a future with him. I feel like we have tried everything to try to fix me, and I am really broken. I used to be able to indulge in a little high-quality self love, but even that doesn’t work. It isn’t about him specifically – he keeps telling me that I will be okay with a better partner, one who hasn’t broken me – but I don’t think so. If that were true, surely I would feel attracted to other men, or be able to fantasise enough to O alone. I just don’t want it anymore. Love, sex, any of that stuff. I think I have had my fill of it, and eventually it made me sick, so I don’t want anymore. Somewhat like the alcoholic spirit we may have been sick on as a young, experimental drinker – I can’t stand the smell of bourbon, for example. I don’t feel the need to try it again!

Why did I try, yet again, to fix what we haven’t been able to fix for nearly three years? I think I still love him, but that love isn’t enough to get me over the line (oh, so full of dirty words and puns today, aren’t we, Paula?!)


16 thoughts on “Shit that doesn’t work anymore

  1. Oh Paula it’s amazing what this brokeness of infidelity will dig up. Nothing is wrong with you, you are hurt and are trying to reconcile with the man.
    You are amazing and to try means something.. to not try means nothing at all right? Oh hell I have no clue I just wanted to comment and tell you this pain sucks and I wish we could have ice cream together ❤ ❤ ❤

  2. I’m sorry it wasn’t anything you’d hoped it would be, but as usual you Paula get an A+ for trying. Like NotHate said, the fact that you even wanted to try, did try, speaks volumes, it really does. Keep trying xx

    • I don’t know if I should if I have been planning separation for nearly two years. Isn’t that kind of like lying to us both, PW?I try to be strong enough to let him go, not to punish him forever. I just can’t seem to do what’s best – because I STILL don’t KNOW what is best.

      • There you go, you answered your own question. You still don’t know what’s best. So no harm in trying to find each other again while you come to an absolute decision.

      • I guess that I just can’t trust anyone anymore, PW. I mean, trust is key for everyone, but in order to give the gift of your body, (especially after violent rape) you need to trust wholely, completely, with every atom of your being. We talked last night about this – and I told him that I always trusted him – totally trusted him – to look after me after I shared all of my vulnerability around my past, and my fears regarding STIs (which started when I found out my mother wasn’t safe with my gay father, but were magnified a million times by the rape, and all of the testing that occurred in the aftermath of that.) Now I don’t trust anyone to treat me kindly, with care. I needed that. I needed what I can no longer have, the true love story, the one where he protected me. The one where we were those old codgers holding hands on the beach, celebrating long, long, anniversaries of real, PURE, true love. There is no purity around “us” anymore. It was the only thing I felt I had done well in life, choosing him, and working hard at making our love so fulfilling. I had a moment of pure longing for what I have lost yesterday, with some friends celebrating a forty year anniversary – that will never be us. Even if we stay together, I can’t seem to celebrate – it seems such a hollow thing to do when the guy who “loves you so much” caused the worst agony on the planet to you. I also discussed with him how I used to be really giving during sex. But I can’t give anything anymore – I haven’t for years, because I guess I am not turned on by any of it, and I feel like I gave him everything, there’s nothing left in the tank. He agreed, saying he can’t recall the last time I was particularly “active” during sex, tying him up, tantalising him with my body, my mouth, my hair – or even as simple as “climbing on board.” I just don’t feel like it. It makes me sick to think of him doing those things to her filth, EVEN if she wasn’t so diseased, I know I would still feel dirty about all they did, and how he deceived me for a long time. He suggested I would have been like this no matter the circumstances. Maybe. But I did answer that I felt the length of time he kept “making mistakes” is very material to me. I mean, we both think she is an appalling person. He thought that for more than twenty years before he started licking her out again! I also said, that if I ever thought he liked any part of her, there was NO WAY I would have paraded her around in front of him, he hated her. I wouldn’t encourage her to hang out with me if I thought there was unfinished business with them. He agreed that was particularly cruel of him. Then he said that he can’t even drag up what it was that made this happen, HOW he managed to get over his disgust and hatred of her to share his life with her, how they used each other as emotional props – he can’t IMAGINE how he got to that place in his life. He really can’t stand her – before, and now. It is so crazy! Because for fifteen months, she was everything. As soon as I closed the door of the house to go to work, he would start texting her, and that would go on all day, until I got home – and usually during the evening as well. I mean, she was EVERYTHING to him – even if he says he never loved her. I believe he never loved her, but I also know that she filled a hole for him at a time when he couldn’t tell me his pain.

        The problem with me trying to get the sex vibe back is that I can (kinda) manage when we are not connected. I can control my emotions better, I am constantly extremely sad, but I don’t really think about her much – as soon as we try to connect on an emotional level, in order to make love, I start thinking about her again, and then the anger returns – I am so damn pissed at her! Who is she to come and fuck up my life – and why do I let her??? Then walk away and call me names, spread lies about me, screw with my sense of safety regarding the kids, the in-laws, etc. I am agonised without him, but just as agonised with him. None of this has improved in the five years, three months, two weeks and two days since she told me she had been fucking my true love. And if you keep doing the same old thing (staying) then how can you get any better? I am so torn about what is the best thing for us all. I know it is deeply connected with that thing we all thought – you cheat on me buster, pack your bags, I am worth so much more than you deserve – so fuck off! I feel like I have to value myself, because no one else bloody well will! I just hate the lack of joy and peace in my life.

      • Trust… you’re right about trust being key for everyone and those of us who have been cheated on can certainly attest to the fact that at the moment we learned of the infidelity, the trust was gone, like the bursting of a bubble… gone. Forever. I believe the only person I can trust is me, but even my belief in myself has been shattered. How can I trust myself when I blindly put my trust in someone who fucked my life up? At the moment I’m busy trying to learn to trust myself, I haven’t even begun thinking about trusting my husband again. I’m not sure I ever will. And that’s sad.

        You of course have the added trauma of a rape to deal with and I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like for you. It seems as tho you’re doomed if you stay and doomed if you go. I guess you just have to try and figure out which kind of doom you prefer. If you can’t imagine not being with him, in whatever capacity, then stay. Your relationship may never be what it once was, but then neither will any of ours. Maybe we all just need to come to terms with that fact. Maybe his companionship is all that you need at the moment and that’s fine too.

        Whatever you decide, its a HUGE decision. UGH… fuck cheaters and the stupid life altering decisions they seem to have no qualms making!!!

  3. Try try again. Don’t give up. Never. It sounds as though you’ve both changed. Frankly, mid 40s suck..things change beyond our control. Stress and grieving exacerbate it all. Keep trying. Create different coupling moments. I really don’t have any other advice. Maybe just roll and smoke the biggest joint and try it then…no inhibitions? Btfoom…

  4. Do you think age might be playing a part in your lack of interest in sex? I’m same age as you and I know that all the infidelity shit plays a massive part, but speaking for myself I’ve noticed a huge drop in my own sex drive recently. I know a big part of that is down to not being sexually attracted to my H as much because of what he did, but I’m not feeling anywhere near as much desire to even try as I used to. If i was really in the mood I could push thru the negative images long enough to make me “happy” . Now I just never feel in the mood! I’ve come to the conclusion that coming to that certain age where things start to slow down is most likely playing a part. Perhaps a hormone check might give you some answers. I’ll do one if you will 🙂 x

    • Got all that tested – twice. Not menapausal yet. In fact, physically I respond. Mentally I shut down and leave my body to cope. One thing we talked to the sex therapist about was how it seemed weird to be so ready (wetness, nipple hardening, etc) but so unable to engage. Rog is flummoxed. Leanne was completely dry and needed lubrication (why there was so much oral – although that is his go to) every time. Me, never. He struggles to see that means physically I am fine, but mentally I disengage so I can avoid seeing him balls and tongue deep in her pus and filth. Sex has come to equal pain and disease in my psyche. And I am at a loss about how to counteract that negativity.

  5. It took several months of hysterical bonding for it to happen. I know we are in different spots. Mine occurred before Dday, and yours two years after, but still. Your history together, his remorse, just hoping it’s not one and done. Hugs.

  6. “He suggested I would have been like this no matter the circumstances.”

    Maybe I’m misunderstanding the context here, but that seems like a pretty asshole-ish thing for him to say. Not to mention blame-shifting/minimizing. It’s not his fault sex has been ruined for you by him choosing to fuck a disease-ridden whore for 15 months–maybe you”would have been like this no matter the circumstances.” Dude, seriously WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?!?

    Like I said, maybe I misunderstood something there, but that sort of comment would have me reaching for a really sharp object.

    And I’m sorry about all the rest of it. I really am. It sucks so much, and you deserve better than the shit sandwich you’ve been force fed. 😦

    • I think he meant that if it had been a one night stand, or something brief and over with, I would still be this changed. I can’t say for sure, all I know is that for me, over a year of my life was a gigantic lie. I still confided everything in him, I still did everything for him (yes, a 70 hour per week job AND all the cooking and cleaning still – he worked just as many hours – if you call fucking a whore working, lol.) I thought we still had the same life, I still loved him, adored him, trusted him, and thought he was one of the good guys, but in reality, he was fucking a whore and spending large chunks of his day talking to her. I had no clue – and IT WAS MORE THAN A YEAR!

      Don’t worry TLM, I reach for plenty of sharp objects, maybe only mostly mentally now, but I have beaten the crap out of him at least once! (Does that make me a spouse abuser? Probably. But he stood there and took it, and when I was finished, and he was bleeding, he told me to do that to him as often as it took to get my completely justified fury out. He deserved it. No argument here.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s