Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Results …… and other things.


Been a little while. Life has been busy in the Land of the Torn. Apologies.

We had Chilean billets for a few nights this week, a sporting exchange with my kids’ school. That was fun, and they were just awesome girls! I also had to fit in two and a half work days into my week (I go to uni four days.) Mmmm, the juggling continues…

I also got the mark and hard copy back on my essay on online spaces and the body. I got an A+, (95%.) That was a relief. First time I handed in something that no other eyes had been over – usually one of my kids, they are great at editing – to correct any flaws that I missed. But best of all, when I picked up the hard copy, the marking tutor (who I emailed in a mild panic halfway through – she has almost completed her PhD on online gaming, romance and the 30+ year old woman – can’t remember the exact title, but it is interesting) wrote a really great critique on it, with some perfect tips about fine-tuning my academic writing style – mostly about more seamless incorporation of quotes.  Then the lecturer, a teaching fellow, wrote a page and a half on the back of it. Quite personal, not inappropriate, VERY empathetic, and thanking me for my commitment (hell, I’m GREAT at commitment – until someone caused me to question that commitment 🙂 ) to the topic and that she was very grateful for my candour, and that my piece had opened her eyes to some different aspects of the online body – as places of healing – and I think she might be interested in using some for some new research she is tooling around with in her head. She asked me if I ever wanted to catch up for coffee, that she’d love to with such a brave soul, but respected that this was an exposing piece and would understand if I didn’t. I took the paper to my car and wept big, wet tears.


I was talking to TOIL about this a few days ago – he never asked about it. I told him I had done well and that there were some moving comments from the teaching staff. I guess I thought natural curiousity would nudge him to enquire further.


So this morning I told him that I was surprised he never took any notice. He said he thought it was private. I mean, we have been living under the same roof for 26 years, and he has never really got me, I guess! I mentioned it to see if he was interested in finding out what the lecturer said.


This from a man I once thought was extremely in tune with his feelings, and showed fantastic insight and empathy into others’ emotions. So much so that counsellors have remarked on this. Boy, was I off the mark!

The chat moved along to some other stuff about us. He is always interesting to talk to, but I don’t much anymore about “us,” the affair, or relationship chitchat (lol) as he knows I am out of here in just over two years. We somehow talked about the time he fucked Leanne again, very nearly two years after D-day (he brought it up, not me!) – legitimately – as I had told him we were over, and he had moved out. I realised I never knew that he had stayed the whole night at her house. I mean, I know that he drove all the way up to her house, they bought a takeaway meal and a bottle of wine, and fucked. I knew he told her that they didn’t work and he told me that the sex was APPALLINGLY bad, very much like fucking a dead fish, with no passion, not emotional connection, and that he felt dirty after doing it. Then they talked (hahahaha! Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around???) and she said to him that she needed to know that the door was shut to me, and that she wasn’t ever going to play second best. He replied that although I didn’t want him anymore, and had told him that he made me feel worthless about myself, that in his book, he would NEVER be able to shut the door on me, that I was the love of his life. (Great chat up lines, TOIL, BTW!) And that she would ALWAYS be second best, or even further down the list, as his kids and his farm would rank above her. Cool, love your work! In the morning, he got up, and drove off, and that was the last time he saw her. (She continued to try to “be friends” by texting questions about things we had and where we got them, so she could get them, often for her little boy, ugh, in weird flurries for nearly another year. Until he finally changed his number, realising very belatedly, that yes, Paula knew a thing or two about how to asphyxiate a whore. He was so frustrated that he hadn’t got that when I repeatedly told him that for those three years. “This is how to make it stop. Get a new phone number.”

Hell, no wonder I am getting A+s – super-genius here! (FFS!!!)


12 thoughts on “Results …… and other things.

  1. Ya know, there really is no excuse for going back to, drinking wine with, and then screwing the woman who helped break your wife’s heart. He should have been trying every way he could to get forgiveness. Sorry to say this but I don’t think he is a decent person. He is just too good at lying, whining and keeping you hooked(even if it is in a negative way). I hope you find joy again.

    • No arguments from me, Let go. No argument from him either. He looks back on that incident with a great deal of regret. He knows what he was doing – he felt like she must have some hold on him for him to have fucked up his life for – they went out when he was just 22, and he was 47 when he went to her house the last time. He discovered he was playing mind games with himself the whole time because he hadn’t fully accepted then what the REAL issue was – that he was unhappy with his life and didn’t talk to me. She was nothing. And this incident proved it. He has never pined for her, wondered if they might have worked out, never thinks about her anymore. He knows it was a brain explosion – looking for love in all the wrong places, as the saying goes. I can’t explain it properly, I actually understand what he was doing – he was exorcising the possibility that he had broken a good woman – but that there must be a good reason for this (twu luv???) When he got rid of any doubts he understood it all so clearly.

      Interestingly, I asked him what he thought Nic, who was the best psychologist/couples counsellor we saw together, called a spade a spade, and was the first to inspire Rog dig deeper, would make of him re-visiting Leanne. He looked me in the eye and said, “he would tell you to run for the hills, I am pretty sure.”

    • Oh, and you are so very right, Let go, he is not a decent man. A decent man does not hurt other people, putting their own pleasure first, just because they feel like it. Abuse and infidelity (a subset of abuse, in my book) take away anyone’s claim to decency. He makes no claim any longer to be a decent man :-).

  2. I’ve missed you so much Paula!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ and awesome job on the paper!

  3. Congrats on the grade! Well done (but that’s no shock…your writing is always wonderful).

    Frankly, I’m pissed off at TOIL. I am pissed off at the injustice of his lack of interest in what you do, what you think and all that.

    Oh, of course he was a total tool for going back to the dry well for another drink. But, I’m more disappointed that he didn’t WANT to learn more about the woman he was committed to. I just shake my head and think that he’s missed the path to true happiness.

    Am I right about the hurt you feel about this, Paula?

    • Thanks tempted. Probably. But I am certainly not mortally wounded by his indifference anymore. I guess I live this, and I can see that he is having to disconnect from me as I have detached from him. It is self protection to not show interest in what I do. I do it to him, too. We get along bloody marvellously, but I deliberately do not spend anymore time than I need to with him – it hurts too much to look at the man I loved, and know that he didn’t love me enough to not have an affair.

      For example, we went out to some friends’ house last night – we have not made our plans to separate public knowledge (one of the women there knows, she asked me outright a few months ago, and I told her the truth, she was lovely about it, supportive of both of us, and she is not gossipy) – and it was a nice night, people think we are doing well. There was a long discussion about the latest infidelity “scandal” in town. The three couples there were almost having a laugh about it. The woman who cheated, left her husband and two young kids (he spoils her rotten) and moved in with a guy in another city – who left his wife and four young kids – the youngest was six months old! They have moved to another country! Then somehow she changed her mind, moved home, chumped husband has just bought her a top of the range new RangeRover, is building her a massive hew house and there’s a humongous new rock on her finger. Mmmm. That sounds healthy, no? But Roger pulled everyone up as it was getting a bit gossipy with a quick, “yeah, it’s all funny when it’s someone else.” This was actually a pretty nice bunch of people, who were really pointing out our male friend’s extreme chumpiness. But Roger’s comment worked. They all said, “yeah, we wouldn’t wish what he must be going through on anyone.” The couple involved are under the illusion that no one knows, but it’s a small town, and he told one couple – well, we all know how that turns out in small towns! Fatal mistake to tell anyone if you want to keep any privacy. So they are mincing about pretending they are so in love (maybe hysterical bonding) and taking even more holidays and posting the pics on social media. I sent the guy – who is an old friend – a discrete message the other day, letting him know that I felt for him, if he ever wanted to talk, I am here, but that I totally respect his privacy and wished them both well in their healing.

      • There is no doubt that his infidelity changed you. It’s obvious that it’s changed him, as well. Hugs to you, Paula. One for the obvious reasons and two for handling the reality of infidelity in our culture, community and circle of friends with grace..xxoo

  4. “That she wasn’t ever going to play second best”

    Um…what exactly did she think fucking a married man in secret for nearly a year and a half was, if not playing second best? So she’s not just a whore, but an idiot too. How klassy.

  5. I’m proud of you Paula…you’re really putting yourself out there, in all that you do!
    And you already know how I feel about TOIL going back to the diseased cow!! YUCK!!

    I don’t understand about TOIL thinking your paper was “private” You brought it up, so obviously you wanted him to know about it…men are sooo dumb!! 😉

    • I guess, if I am objective (or rather being probably too kind, lol) about it, lonely, Rog looked at this blog, then we had words about it, then he decided it was private – he says (and I believe him) he hasn’t read it again. I think he feels he is getting mixed messages, “do look at this, don’t look at that.” However, men are sooo dumb – no question ;-)!

      We are in a really eery and weird phase now. I will tell you about it soon x.

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