Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum



It’s a funny (hahahaha) thing. But in the aftermath of an affair, no matter how remorseful, how truthful, how helpful, how open a cheater is, the person who was cheated on (I hate all the words for us “poor saps” none of them do us a whole lot of justice) will never know all of what happened during an affair. Between your love and someone who is utter scum.

That is just how life is.

No one can keep track of the minutiae of another’s life. It is just not possible.

But that didn’t matter in the days prior to the Tearing. I trusted him. I had an idea of how his days went for nineteen years, I worked shoulder-to-shoulder with him. Hell, I was there for most of those minutes! But even when I got an off-farm job, and we were doing “life” like so many other two income families, I thought I knew how his day went.

Up early.

Out to shift/feed/check animals. Put up electric fences in the autumn/winter/early spring (about a four hour job on our hill country.) Feed out. Check for electric fence shorts, solve any issues. Check water supply. Solve issues – hell there are some big issues on this property – a water wheel does the back third of our 1200 acres. and it needs watching, greasing and repairing – even rebuilding – often. We haven’t been here eight years yet and we have completely rebuilt it three times. It is awesome, using the power of water to pump pristine spring water up a 150 metre hill to a series of holding tanks, to water approximately 500 head of cattle. But it works hard, clean, green … and expensive to fix! (Although we now have a neighbour’s son, who is an engineer, on the case – he’s fantastic and has re-designed the whole system for us, at a very reasonable rate – thanks Cam!) In summer, a lot of weed control (this property was a deceased estate – a real doer-upper.) There is always something. He works twelve-fourteen hour days. Seven days a week. Always has.

I digress. I’m good like that.

The thing is, I am now five years, four months and two days post D-day. And last week, I found out two things I never knew. TOIL was very quickly aware that truth was ESSENTIAL to any chance of recovery, and he was really great about answering questions – knowing that I was walking if he didn’t answer. We did talk about how much information is too much, and I explained, that for me, there was no such thing. He even shared some intimate details without me doing any prompting (about an improvised “sex toy” he used one day on her.) I know it all – well, you never know it all, do you? You can’t.

The first thing was the time he fucked her three days after I told him we were done – FOR REAL. I somehow was under the impression that he drove up there, fucked her, they ate some food, drank some wine, he interrogated her (sorry, they “talked”) and then he left. Never to see her again. But I didn’t realise he stayed the night. It doesn’t matter. He stayed with her overnight two other times. Once in our lake house. And once in her house, it wasn’t planned, just an amazing coincidence that she flew home to the international airport city that she lived in the same day, and texted him, so he went and picked her up and had a lovely fuckfest (whilst I was in my car, in a sexy overcoat, stockings and suspenders, heels, like some kind of whore, outside the motel room I had booked him earlier that day, a suburb away, waiting to surprise him – a good thing, but thinking he was out drinking with some boys – never that he was fucking a whore – so I drove home, never thinking about it, nor mentioning it – I really wonder why I never asked??? So bloody trusting, the boy didn’t get out much, so I thought it was fun that he was hanging with some guys for a boozy night out. Dumbass that I was.) But he stayed that night, too.


The other thing was about his version of how he justified this in his head. He has always maintained that he thought if I found out, while he was fucking her, that I would be pleased – because apparently I was so unhappy. Mmmmm. Why did he never ask me WHY I was unhappy with him? (I wasn’t, I was stressed about doing a good job in my first paid job in 17 years, still being an involved mother, and what the heck had happened to my lovely life, my pedigree Holstein-Friesian herd, and my good life?) Noooo, apparently, I would be THRILLED he was cheating, and I would very JUSTLY prance about after kicking him to the curb, telling people he was cheating, go me. W. T. F??? But I have only just connected some (very obvious) dots. IF he thought this, why did he defend himself, deny, deny, deny, after the second time he fucked her – and I caught him – nearly a year before D-day? I saw a series of texts. They were not in any way sexual. I thought they were friends. I mean, I KNEW they texted a lot. He did this all the time, often showing me the texts, and rolling his eyes, “how dumb is this woman?” I genuinely thought she was my friend, his friend, everyone’s fucking friend. He said something about regrets. She said no need for regrets. I asked WTF? I asked him to leave the house (the kids were there) so we could talk. We did this, and as my mind raced, he just looked me in the eye and “explained” it all. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he was so sorry he forgot to tell me that he had driven up to her house (three hours away) and broken up some concrete for her in her garden. I looked at him and said, “WTF??? She’s your cheating ex-girlfriend – you were TOO BUSY to come away with the kids and me fishing, but you drove a six hour round trip to BREAK UP CONCRETE FOR YOUR CHEATING EX-GIRLFRIEND?????????” Somehow he convinced me in those three hours, he was kind, he was loving, he never flinched, nor needed time to formulate a story. He apologised for doing something that LOOKED so bad. He held me as I wept and screamed, and slid down the wall. I walked out of there feeling like the world’s biggest heel. I had doubted the most wonderful man.


So, if he thought I would be HAPPY if I found out, why? I call BULL. SHIT.

So, as the cheap TV ad goes in my country. “But wait. There’s more.”


19 thoughts on “More

  1. Poor TOIL. I could not live looking myself in the mirror and knowing I tore up satin in order to have a bit of hessian for a bit. He must feel like a complete idiot (aside from the bad choices and selfishness).

    I agree, as you know, that there’s really no end to the information. It is as limitless as the stupidity of cheating. My tagline on twitter is “it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world, but for Wales!” Because I see it pretty much like Groucho Marx when he said he wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would let him in. Why would a man want a woman who would have him as a cheat? If there’s anything that broadcasts the relative worth of her to his wife, it’s that!

    Sigh. Idiots. The lot of them. Wish I had some of your pristine spring water. We went through Arthur’s Pass during our honeymoon and I wanted to build a pipeline that day. Delicious. But run the precious water through a paper mill and it will end up toxic no matter how pristine it was.

  2. Oh, he does Neph. He does. He still begs me to stay. Yesterday he gently asked, again, what more he could do. He can’t believe “that arsehole.” I know this. But I can’t stay. Around four years I started questioning if I could do this forever. And my kids are much older than yours. I still love him. He’s sweet. Kind. Fun. But I can’t. It goes against everything I am. And I had terrible nightmares again after the above conversation. I don’t sleep enough. Or well enough. I think I am at the point where I don’t want the cheat either, much like an OW who might have finally opened her eyes to the value of keeping a cheat.

    We live less than 1km from the spring where over 60% of NZ’s bottled water is sourced. Our water comes from a well into the very same aquafier. It’s incredible :-).

    • I totally get where you’re coming from. I do. I hope I can land in a different place but I can see exactly that problem is one I’m just putting to one side now, for lots of reasons. Not least small children. Given our age and the fact he’s still young enough to re-partner frankly I feel like I paid for those improvements to his character and no other woman is going to get those improvements for free. But I may come to a different conclusion one day. There are few benefits to being our position Paula but one is the ball is our court now.

      • Totally with you there, Neph. I was DETERMINED “she wouldn’t win,” by causing us to split. Years later I thought, “who gives a fuck?” I was then reluctant to give up the new, improved, fixed guy. Why fix a dickhead, go through all that pain, only for someone else to profit? He is 50 in January. And could do more kids. I worried mine would end up second. I don’t care now. That is some of the privilege of older kids. I have more choice. I always had this. But only fully acting on it now. I wish you well, Neph. I think, given time, the outcome may well be much better for you two x.

  3. thats why i think so much of it is about forgetting… not just forgetting what you do know, but about what you dont, or dont want to know…

    lots of tui ads running through my mind the past few years…

    and not the sexist ones heh.

  4. Send him off for a vasectomy!

    The not knowing is painful. Not just the intimate details but the conversations they had. The fact that he woke next to her. Did he watch her put on her makeup, do her hair? Did he help her do up a zip on her dress? Did they hold hands when they were out for dinner? Did they walk hand in hand back to their hotel? I feel so inferior now. I’m no longer special, what he had isn’t special and what we have most definitely isn’t 😦

    • He wanted a vasectomy years ago and I asked him not to, PW. I got clucky for the first time in my life after I had the third! I envisaged one more. And I was worried about increased prostate cancer rates. Go me! So concerned about his health. Shame that was never reciprocated. He doesn’t want more kids. But I know plenty of guys who’ve said that but did what wife no 2 wanted, including vasectomy reversal and more kids. Now it doesn’t matter. These three are gonna be fine πŸ™‚

  5. That statement (“I thought you’d be happy…”) defies all logic. It’s the kind of nonsense rationalization people make to justify something to themselves when they KNOW it is wrong. If you repeat this nonsense to yourself enough, you start to believe it.

  6. It just shows how much people don’t know their significant others. Perhaps that’s one of the biggest ground shifts for you, Paula? Meaning, your perception of how close your union was, how you worked shoulder-to-shoulder and yet he assumed how you would react/feel to this monumental fuck-up?

    When did we stop learning about the each other (before they cheated)? Do we really know our mates? Do we know each other now as we are? Is that the biggest attraction with the whore? They learn about each other as they are now? Or do the guys put on a false front and act like they WANTED to be?

    Yeah, I’m sure J has some surprises for me in the future with bits of info he never shared since d-day. Oh fun times ahead, I’m sure.

    • Yes, tempted. I guess that was my point. You never know the inner workings of someone else’s brain. He still finds delight in learning new things about me, 26 years later. I think that is part of my problem as I am less INTERESTED in him than I used to be. I have had to detach to survive. None of the small things I discover all these years out have been deliberately withheld. Rog was pretty great about FULL disclosure from the begining. He got why I needed to know. He knew I imagined even worse things than most of the reality of their very mundane affair. It’s just that you can’t relay everything. There isn’t time. You forget details. You put different weight on things than your partner does, so may inadvertently under-report. Secrets are shit.

  7. Wondering what I don’t know about their relationship, how he felt or thought of her, what was said and when….will always torture me. Husband was also very open and honest when I demanded answers. I woulda skipped outta the house if he wasn’t. However, I know, he left shit out. No way did he give me every detail and I hate that I’m not naive enough to think differently anymore.

    • Yeah, Sissy. The problem isn’t just omission, but the fact that it is impossible to share everything, even if you fully intend to. As I commented above to tempted, there are multitudes of reasons. It sucks to be aware of intimacy that was given to another and to imagine their “closeness, ” him and her cocooned against the world when it used to be us against allcomers. That’s when the hatred for their pathetic, self absorbed behaviour bubbles hardest. The injustice of loving hard and true – only to be shafted for that loyalty and deep emotional input.

      • Ahhhh… You feel me. I’m sorry for that.

      • Yes, that is the big thing that keeps the pain close for me – their “closeness.” The bond they had with each other at my expense…
        And it is that big thing that makes it impossible for me to have it once again with Daniel. Maybe one day God will restore it for me, but on my own, it has so far been impossible.

      • I hope so, DJ. I really do. The cynic in me thinks that it will never be fully healed though. And you just learn to accept that – or somehow let go of the whole bundle in order to let go of the pain. All the best, my friend xxx

  8. I think you all are amazing for even trying to understand and stay the course! My H had a 4 month emotional affair…not a sexual affair, and I know how extremely hard it has been for me to come to terms with the lying, feelings of betrayal, the HURT that he’d do this to me and our boys, even though he was warned by his cousin that if I found out it would be a “train wreck”…he didn’t care….and when I think of the emotional connection he had with the Cow, that just doesn’t make sense to me!! 25 yrs with him….and he gives the Cow what I’ve wanted for many, many years! Go figure!
    Of course, my H is passive aggressive and didn’t want to tell me a thing about the affair…he wanted to walk away like it had never happened and expected me to do the same….and that has caused more damage than the affair!
    I admire all of you so much for trying so hard to move past this…ALL of our husbands should be on their knees EVERY SINGLE DAY thanking us for trying our guts out to move past this!!

    • I think most of us surprise ourselves when we resolve to stay, and work, lonely. That cheating was perhaps NOT quite that hard and fast bottom line after all. And conversely, we struggle then with feelings of letting ourselves down, not being true to our (imagined) word.

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