Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Mother. (And Father?)

11 Comments

Having a day of feeling the loss of my Mum. They happen often. But today the loss is particularly achy. Don’t know why today. Just another, “it just is.”

It’s been more than thirteen years. She was only 55, vibrant, sparkly, and she left us so very suddenly.

Mum was so upbeat. She had fought her own battles, but always seemed to do so with panache, and made it look easy. That is the gift of a “glass half full” personality. Nothing kept her down for long. I often wonder what she thinks of how long I have been fighting this particular fight. Although, she was never one to go in for a lot of judgement. She would have understood that it is just taking as long as it takes for me.

So, in honour of my lovely mother, Marilyn, some Broods…

“Mother & Father”

The nights are getting shorter
I don’t know where they go
And I am getting older
And it’s starting to showAnd ever since I left my mother
It’s much harder to know
How to make my own life here
How to make my own home

I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don’t want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind
I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don’t want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind
Forget what I have in mind

I remember the time when a kiss on the hand was enough
Cause we knew we were free
And we knew what it meant to be loved

But ever since I left my father
It’s much harder to know
How to live my own life here
When all I need is home

I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don’t want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind
I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don’t want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind
Forget what I have in mind

As faces start to fade
They’re slipping through my hands
It’s where my heart was made
And my feet will always land

I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don’t want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind
I don’t want to wake up lonely
I don’t want to just be fine
I don’t want to keep on hoping
Forget what I have in mind
Forget what I have in mind

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11 thoughts on “Mother. (And Father?)

  1. Thinking of you Paula. Your mum would understand. Mine dealt with cheating very differently to me but she saw my situation and knew it was different, and that I’m different. And she says I did right, and so did she. Different women, different circumstances. Different cheaters too. Different family structure. She even said she couldn’t have done what I did but she can see it’s been for the best. Your mum would be super proud of you and you know it.

    • Thanks Neph. I know. These are quite different circumstances to her own, much like your mother’s situation, and your own. I know she would be proud of my compassion, my dignity (mostly, lol) and my perseverance. I do wish I could talk to her, so often. She was such a good listener. She would be so sad for me, so sad for Rog, she did love and admire him, and so sad that my friendship with J died – she was such a big part of my life, and losing her over this has been heartbreaking, but entirely necessary – I know Mum would have understood, she loved J, but she could see the disloyalty early on – I think she called her fickle when we were talking once, when I was still in my teens.

      • Yep. That’s the thing about mothers. Blind loyalty. Always in your corner when it counts. (She drove me up the wall early last week but then scooped up the kids for a day while I was really sick). Loyalty. It’s really not rocket science. Bloody idiots out there who don’t see that.

      • So glad you appreciate her – I did mine, she lived a long way from me, but insisted on regular visits and lots of phone calls to the kids, etc. We are lucky women x

  2. It’s been 9 years since my own mom died, and I still miss her so very much. We were very different and before the Alzheimer’s affected her, we fought a lot. But like Nephila said, there was always loyalty on both sides. I never, ever doubted that she would have my back, and she always did.

    You are in my thoughts and in my prayers, Paula.

    • And sending that love right back to you, DJ.

      Mothers can be the most wonderful, and the most frustrating creatures! My boss told me a story yesterday about how hers, who lives in another country, came and stayed with her when she discovered her fiance was a serial cheat – this was over ten years ago now – this after her first fiance had died in a motor accident. She drove her nuts, because she “snooped” – in that protective way though, in the sense of not allowing the guy to get back under her skin – my boss was being love bombed, and probably would have caved (her admission) but her mother stood between her and harm. Then she went home, and sent her dad over, and he served a similar purpose, in a different way, but just stayed with her through her grief, until she was strong enough to stand up for herself 🙂

      • My mother never liked Daniel – did she see what I couldn’t? Maybe so…

      • Mothers are more perceptive than we’d like them to be sometimes, DJ. And believe it or not, they more times than not have our backs 100%. Depends on whether they are generally quite open-minded, then you can usually tell if it is prejudice, or just judgement of character at play.

  3. Paula…I know I would have LOVED your mum…she sounds like the kind of person anyone could have loved 🙂 Wishing I could give you a big hug and sit and talk with you about your sweet memories….but a cyber hug will have to do ((hugs)) 🙂

    • And she would have loved you, too, lonely. I know she would have loved you for the love you have shown me, but I think you two would have had a lot in common, and she would have liked you for who you are, and how you have shown that to the world 🙂

      • I would have LOVED to do a bit of cooking with her…we would have had so much fun in the kitchen 🙂
        And you are easy to love…she raised a great daughter! 🙂

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