Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

This is the day

15 Comments

This is the kind of thing I try to tell myself constantly.

(Not to mention  a really cheesy mainstream song that has some strong memories associated with it from my school days and into my first year at university, missing my boyfriend who went to uni in another part of the country. I ended it with him because we were heading off to new worlds, but we remained close throughout my younger years, and had an on-off thing going on for about four years.)

#showingmyage!

 

Well you didn’t wake up this morning ’cause you didn’t go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world couldn’t buy back those days

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

You could’ve done anything, if you’d wanted
And all your friends and family think that you’re lucky
But the side of you they’ll never see
Is when you’re left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day your life will surely change

 

 

16 May 2009 sure was the day my life changed. Let’s hope it changes again soon, in another direction. I’m working on it 🙂

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15 thoughts on “This is the day

  1. If anyone can, you can. Seriously.

  2. So true you got this! 🙂 You are amazing!

  3. You have to do the work to make it work. I’m pretty sure that’s a project runway quote from Tim Gunn. Either way, you are a hard worker and I’m hoping, praying and chanting for you, too. Xx

  4. I’ve made up the spare bed just in case 😉 xx

  5. I think you just stopped loving Roger. A lot of your angst is guilt because feel like you SHOULD love him. It happens. People move on for a variety of reasons. The friends who post here want you to be happy again. Some think it should be with him.
    I am watching a family fall apart. The husband and wife are about your age. There was no cheating. Just slow slide into a separation. Divorce will be sometime next year.
    For whatever reason you are never going to forgive Roger and that is your right. I hope you find love again.
    BTW, the fact that you don’t feel the same about your children is the depression. When that lifts the love will return.
    I know money is tight but going no contact with him sounds like a good idea. As long as you can see each other’s sad faces you won’t heal.

    • Yes, Let go. I know you’ve read some of my earlier posts, and it is a case of the old, “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” but this time, it is coming from me, not the cheater! I do love him, I question that so often, hoping I don’t, hoping that I am not that much of a masochist, but I always come back to, “yes, I bloody well do love him,” but so do domestic abuse victims! He is my best friend, we get on incredibly well, and when I detach emotionally, as I have now for a long time, we laugh, and we joke and it’s all good. It’s like living with your best mate, he’s great, funny, caring and I like him a whole lot. I am just eeking out the last couple of years with kids at home, he knows this, he has been told on numerous occasions. I don’t think it is JUST about the depression (I have self diagnosed with dysthymia) that stops me feeling the way I used to about the kids, it is also partly about their ages, their relative independence and maybe even that they are genetically half him? An important part of me died in this process. If I hadn’t been able to tone down the loving stuff, I would have been successful at suicide earlier, as toning down the love let me breathe – just a little. I know this.

      Quite seriously, fuck love. I have no desire to ever give my heart away again. I like me, and I like my own company even more now, since I weeded out the users and the fakes 🙂 I know people think I am just saying that as a knee-jerk reaction to this devastation, but I really don’t want to love again, I would feel far too vulnerable, and I don’t ever want that again. I think this attitude is part of the reason I haven’t been able to fully forgive and forge on with the relationship I already have, also.

      I have had periods during these past five and a half years with no contact. We split three times, the last was – for real, we both really thought it was over for good – three years ago, for about five months. I felt worse, not better, because I had lost my best mate. I didn’t have him to talk to anymore, and he no longer comforted me (for the pain HE caused, yeah, I know!) It is different now, I still loved him truly, madly, deeply then, but I know he killed it. Not just the cheating, but the manner of the cheating, and my past have made us get to where we are today, with a lesser love. I don’t let him comfort me any longer, I have learned to self soothe far better than I ever did before.

      I hear you, Let go, and if I thought it would work, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I have been walking this path, with a great deal of self insight and mindfulness, for a very long time now, and I actually do trust my judgement on this one now 🙂

  6. When someone reads an anon blog they try to stay unemotional but if they are the least bit empathetic they can’t. Your very long bout of sadness is compelling. People want to fix it for you.
    Is Roger willing to be a part of this roommate life? If so maybe you two can survive this way.
    I know two women who recently lost husbands(they died unexpectedly) and they say the nights are so lonely. Can you live alone? I would have a hard time.
    I hope you and he find some happiness because you write as if he is as broken hearted as you.

    • Let go, we have been knowingly living as “flatmates” for quite a long time now. He is willing to do that. Odd, huh? We can’t survive past children all leaving home this way. Interestingly, he had a chat with me this morning – he came back to my bed a day or two ago – and he talked about trying harder, trying again, I can’t remember it word for word, but generally the idea was that he wants me to talk as much as I want, to do whatever I want and need, and for us to spend time together with no sexual strings attached, for us to just “hang out” as much as possible, he STILL wants me, and can’t fathom being without me, even without sex. He really deserves every happiness, and my very deliberate detachment is a lot about not putting HIM through this anymore. Yes, I am looking out for me, but I know I will never be okay again, and I want him to be happy, to be free to love someone whole again. He is as (well, almost) as brokenhearted as me. Utterly devastated, we had THE relationship – and I still don’t totally get it, how you deliberately sabotage that. Except to understand that he was unwell and not making good decisions.

      I remember when my mother died very suddenly at 55. I went home to her house (she lived on an island) on the ferry after we had organised the funeral director, etc, with her husband, then 67, who she loved very deeply, and he her. I stayed that first night with him, as I couldn’t bear the idea of him going home to an empty house. He found it terribly lonely. Even eleven years later (he died two years ago, Mum thirteen) his lip would wobble when he saw me, the memories fresh and raw. It is lonely alone, but I am okay about alone. Of course it was lovely when we were great, we didn’t spend many nights apart in those first 22 years.

  7. My heart hurts for you. Your sadness comes through so clearly.
    Once you finish school will you move away for a job? Does that leave Roger with a farm he cannot keep? Why couldn’t he see that one stupid decision was going to destroy HIS life. And who made the first move anyway, and who decided to accept. What idiots people are.
    I have a friend whose husband left when the youngest of their four children no longer required child support. She had no idea if he had been seeing anyone but he soon was. A middle age man playing the field. She was blindsided but just kept going. He remarried. In a few years he showed up at her house one day and told her he had no idea why he blew up the family. She said he hinted around about reconciling even though he was married. By that time she was completely over him and was happy. He often showed up for coffee and she could see how much he wanted to stay but no longer felt anything for him.

    • Aww, Let go, you are so sweet. I don’t plan on getting too excited about employment opportunities post-uni. I guess I am in the very lucky position of doing this more for the intellectual stimulation than huge employment prospects. I am compiling a pretty good quality of degree, and the prospects are better than a run-of-the-mill humanities degree. I have been asked to do post-grad work already, but I am not making any decisions about that until I finish the undergrad. I am a little stressed with the end of year pressure, and the idea of doing this for several more years doesn’t really appeal! However, I am flattered that I have already been targeted by both departments – I am doing a double major – and can see some directions this can take me (public policy, staying in academia, etc.) The farm will be sold if I leave, there is no way we can continue the way it is, and I will need to get my share out to reinvest. I am thinking organic dairy goats, and boutique artisan food production (not sure if cheese, or something else yet, yoghurts, ice cream, etc, the cheese market here is possibly flooded?) I will need all of my funds out in order to do this. We do have the added problem of the properties all being owned in Roger’s family trust, which we are directors of, but do not legally “own” ourselves because of this ownership structure. Trying to protect the assets for future generations has hobbled this one! We see the flaws in this argument now that he cheated, and I need to leave, a situation we probably didn’t fully envisage when setting up the trust! I think I may well move away, there is nothing keeping me here except the lovely surroundings I live in. I am in a VERY strange way quite content here! I am wary of jumping out of the frying pan into the fire (or worse, the sewer!)

      Roger made the first move. He admits this, he says he didn’t “plan” it, but he can see that he put himself in a stupid position, and that it was always a possibility. He kind of knew she was a “sure thing” as an ex who kind of fawned on him. He lay in his bed wondering about it for about an hour, and then hopped in her bed. He was sick, and he made a totally shit call. I feel I could have got over that if he’d ‘fessed up early, and we worked on boundary proofing our very trusting relationship for those first 20-odd years. I trusted him implicitly. I thought he had morals. I guess I knew she was no good, but I thought our strength, our solidarity and HIS moral centre would protect us. I was wrong.

      He and I both think it would have been far less likely to happen if it wasn’t her. And she wasn’t so obviously available. No excuses though, he fully admits he made the first move, but she did not hesitate. Not for a millisecond. She was supposed to be my friend, and she never hesitated, never questioned his intent, or said, “what about my friend Paula, who has trusted us enough to be alone together?” I even “caught them out” once, early on, via a series of texts (he was very careful that there were no sexual texts) but he explained it away so damn convincingly, I thought I was just a horrible person who no longer trusted him, and that maybe I was kind of losing my mind! I mean, Rog, this great guy who loved me so much, no way! And you are so right, one of my big problems during the post-apocalypse (lol) has been, WTF??? WTF did you THINK would happen? I mean, isn’t it an innate thing to know that an affair, with no sexual protection, the possibility of children being born out of it, and the reality of diseases being borne out of it (yep, that is fucking disgusting and I am angry as hell!) will blow your world up??? How do you have any self-respect after that? Self-respect is one of life’s keys – for me at least!

      Interestingly, I totally had that image in my mind, like your friend. When it was all uncovered, and I discovered that briefly he entertained the thought of leaving me, and setting up “family” with her – these thoughts happened in the first months, and I had lost a shitload of weight, and looked damn hot! – I imagined how good I would feel as he realised he had fucked up, and we met for coffee (we knew we would remain friends, we are close and like each other) to discuss kids, or do a visitation swap over (we would have lived about three hours apart) that he would look at me and realise he had screwed up and “chosen” the wrong horse. He says he quickly worked this out when he did a little mental arithmetic – and started the process of ending it. It was a process because she went all Fatal Attraction on him. And probably because he was fucking weak, let’s be honest here!

      So nice being able to chat with you, Let go. One thing I have learned is that just because someone cheats on you doesn’t mean you automatically hate them. And that surprised me no end. I thought I was a very black or white girl. You cheat, you lose. Well, he kind of has anyway, but none of this stuff is black or white. There is a vast expanse of grey! We both lose, and she got to walk away laughing at the destruction in her wake. She is a very nasty piece of work who has experienced immense pleasure at our intense pain. But, you know, what of it? I try not to think about her too much, as it makes me so damn angry.

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