Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

It got old

39 Comments

I think I have almost come to the end. Blogging. There’s nothing new to say, and I have moved no further towards healing than I was before I started.

In these past five and a half years, I have ridden the roller coaster. At first, for the first year or two, although I never wanted to get on the ride, I mostly felt kinda positive about it. I thought our “special bond,” our “amazing love,” (choke, gag) would get us through this mess. We seemed to be doing well. He “got it.” He was really, really, really sorry, really, really, really embarrassed, really, really, really open to fixing what he broke. He was voluntarily transparent, he tried so hard to make me feel safe and loved again. He attended all counselling I suggested, he even read – well, a bit – but more than many. He listened, he held me, he “understood.”

But, am I healed? Am I anywhere near the feisty, bright, “sparkly” redhaired go-get-’em girl I was before this crap?

Nope. Not even close.

Until about a year ago, I was sure time would heal. If I could see him live more authentically, if I could plan MY future a little more than I had, if I could get my children happily launched in life, I would be okay again.

Why am I not better? Is this the real Paula? A person incapable of making herself happy?

Maybe. Interesting, because I thought not until this crap. I am not as strong, as resilient as I had been in the past, as the person I imagined myself to be.

This journey he crashed-started us on meant we would have both learned so much, and yes, he has.

I seem to have learned “miserable.”

I don’t think I have learned much more than that there are a lot more selfish people in the world than even I had accounted for. And some of them look just like you and I! People can be shits because they have no empathy/feel lost or entitled. But “good” people don’t. They have this little inner voice that says, “hell, that looks like fun/a distraction/like I could enjoy that” but then it is closely followed by, “hmm, yeah, right, that will solve ALL my problems, huh? You idiot!” And just like that, we don’t do the selfish/dangerous/maybe-fun-but-probably-dangerous act. All the other “stuff” we talked about in therapy, read in books, blogs, etc, none of it is new to me. I already knew cheating fucks people’s lives. I admit I thought you recovered though. Something I still haven’t managed, in fact I feel worse now than I did at any time in the first four years. And just typing that has formed this huge lump in my throat, and the tears are bloody well falling again.

FAAARRRRKKKK!

So thank you all of my dear friends here who have sympathised, shared, loved, cried and tried to jolly me along. I have appreciated you so much, and I doubt I am gone, gone. But the posts are now (maybe always were!) monotonous, negative, and of no use to either me, nor any of you.  So, while it is not my job to blow smoke up your arse, the opposite sure is a real drag. I think I will draw it mostly to a close. I will still be lurking about, commenting if I can’t keep my mouth shut, and definitely reading about your journeys.

I’ll take the below advice.

PS, I have my  semester’s provisional results in. I need to skite madly. This lonely life means I have no one to share with. This year I got 5 A+s and an A. (Bloody Anthropological Media – ruined my perfect record ;-)!) So, I know I can do other stuff, to “achieve” (I knew this before the affair, before the university re-start) but it doesn’t feed my soul like my life with Roger did, like the pedigree herd I bred, like the gorgeous family we created.

See ya – for now at least xxx.

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39 thoughts on “It got old

  1. You will be missed Paula you have helped me with your posts..
    Will ❤ to hear from you on my blog now and again..

    ❤ your pal NotHate!

  2. Noooo. I feel like I just “met” you. I hope true happiness comes your way very soon. Peace to you.

  3. Oh I feel this one and I haven’t even hit the year mark yet. It is monotonous, the repetition of my thought patterns. I write anymore and each post seems to resemble the last. Now I mostly just read them. Congratulations on doing so well in school. I too am a redhead and take pride in my nerdy-ness. 🙂 I hope you find something to fill the void.

    • Thank you Sissy. I am a bottle red. Faintly strawberry blonde back when I saw the natural (and before the grey!) I have noticed a ridiculous amount of BS seem to be of the ginger persuasion. Weird.

  4. Paula, I hope you stick around. When you’re having a good day, blog about it. Even if it’s some tiny little thing that’s made you happy! You’ve helped so many of us without perhaps even realising it. Don’t go too far : ) SWxo

    • I’ll be about, SW. (I have no life! 😉 .) I do the mindfulness thing. I notice a pretty flower, the way my wild (captured) piglet grunts with a mixture of fear and excitement when I bring him his food, Lambs ganging up in groups and playing dare devil jumps down clay banks, leaping and twisting to show off. But although they are good things, the effect they have is so minute, I feel a post may well have you all reaching for something to self harm with! Thanks though, it is important to keep practising the mindfulness techniques xx.

  5. I hope you do stick around a bit. You’ve definitely made me more positive (ironic in light of your post?) because you validated me, you didn’t tell me it would all end in sunshine and rainbows.

    I still have hope. Not hope of what we are told healing means, I don’t think that really exists outside of delusions and good luck to all who can manage that.

    I’m watching Lord of the Rings tonight and though not this bit, I remember at the ending…

    “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep…that have taken hold.”

    But he doesn’t end sadly remember. We won’t either.

    There’s a good ending to our stories Paula, even if it isn’t what we thought or hoped or deserved. You’ll find it, blog or no blog.

    Thanks to you and my kids I feel much more positive these days. Thank you for that. I do hope you have more and more of that. And I hope you stay around to see us try to follow you!

    • Not a LOTR fan – but I recall that line. Never has someone summed up this life so succinctly, so poignantly. Thanks Neph. How are you feeling? I’ve lost track of time. Home yet? ♥

      • On the mend. Up and about today but still off food so a bit weak. Feeling optimisitic though. Yeah, when I first saw that scene in the movie I thought what a cop out. He survived and now he gives up? Now i know better.

        Never liked the books as much. I think as much as the narrative I liked the scenery 😛 I admit I enjoyed the films. I used to call out “hey there’s Deer Park Heights!” Or “you can see why they’re called The Remarkables”, masters of understatement 🙂

        I guess by way of encouragement I would say no, we aren’t healed. But that’s not our fault, not a choice, and doesnt mean we made the wrong choice. And I still believe life can be good. Even if not as good as it could have been. But i don’t want the perfect to be the enemy of the good.

  6. I totally relate to this, Paula. I’m almost there myself. Not sure I need to read or post as much. But I’m also realistic to admit that it is probably temporary until I need to get back on here.

    It’s a journey and you are ready for act three.

    You have helped me the most, Paula. Your generosity and honesty has been a gift. Thank you. Xx

    • Oh, tempted. That is such a lovely thing to say. Thank you. I so often feel my comments are too negative and to just shut the fuck up! I am so glad to hear you’re doing better, pushing off into calmer waters xx.

  7. I have always liked your comments, you don’t sugar coat, no one ever gets over this shit, if you stay you just learn to live with it & sometimes like me you feel you have no other choice! It would have been great to know you & some of the other kick ass women on these blogs! Good luck to you, you’re too feisty not to make it! XO Joan

  8. Make it. Sure. But to where. My baby brother and his wife are celebrating their eighth wedding anniversary today. All full of love, happiness and “oh, you’re so wonderful” – ness. Who knew when we were just that far in? I remember our twentieth. It was so amazing. So wonderful. I was so thrilled we still loved each other so much. That thrill. Who fucking knew that he was about to implode the world? Bleuch. I fucking hate anniversaries now…..

  9. Paula, you’re right, “make it,” that was so lame to say! That’s like when I first found out people would say, “you’ll get there,” and I always thought where is this magical place called “THERE.” Will he have unfucked her when I get THERE, if not why am I even trying to get “THERE.” You’re right, we try to give words of comfort, we mean well, but it comes out lame, which was not my intent! I certainly have no words of comfort right now, I can’t even comfort myself, it just all seems so hopeless sometimes!

    • Oh Joan. My apologies. I wasn’t intending to offend you. The comment you made was supposed to be encouraging but I tore it to shreds. Sorry. Just having a small pity party, raging against the bastards who stole MY love story, shat on it and tried to give it back to me. I ain’t taking that back. It’s a fake. A POS that no longer has the same meaning. I know that you suffer the same way and I appreciate your friendship, Joan xxx.

  10. Paula, congratulations on your marks. Really wonderful. I hope that you know how many people you have helped along the way. Even someone, like myself, who doesn’t have a blog. You are so honest and supportive. I think your sparkle is still there. It comes through in your writing. Good luck to you, and I will look forward to your occasional posts. There are many of us out here rooting for you and hoping that each day becomes a little brighter for you. xoxo Jules

  11. Thanks, jules. Your words and thoughts are really appreciated x.

  12. Paula, no offense taken, I just didn’t want to offend you, I treasure your friendship also! Hugs to you, Joan

  13. I think you should write if you feel like writing and not worry if it’s negative. My blog started out as a “See how healthy and positive and strong I am after my husband dumped me” blog, but has turned into me just hanging by a thread blog. I’m sure it is too much for some people so if they don’t read anymore I fully understand. But I’m writing because I basically have no one to tell this shit to. At any rate, I’ll repeat, please don’t stop just for the reason that you feel it’s too negative. xox

  14. I just found your blog! After 51/2 years your still hurting, I’m so sorry this has happened to you…I know the pain all to well – it sucks! I can’t even find the words to describe it! I started the divorce process a few months back. I am almost 16 months out and it took me so long to file because he messed up our finances so bad. I was/am in such a mental state I can barely function…I did have doubts along the way because he has done everything and then some to try and save our marriage but it’s just not working for me I just don’t see how anyone gets past this after a spouse causes so much destruction? I was afraid I would still be hurting like this years from now and I should move on and start a new life?

    My heart really aches for you, I understand your pain and I hate you are not healing and I am grateful you have shared this because it’s what I was having fear of if I stayed but I am also afraid I will still feel this way once he’s gone….what do we do?? I feel I’m going crazy! I’m so depressed and it’s only getting worse. Time is not making it better for me.

    My husbands affair was with a close friend of mine and she was telling another of my friends all the details of their affair and she never gave me a hint something was going on….so many people hurt and betrayed me. I just don’t see how I/ we will ever heal from this!

    I hope you do continue to post and soon as I get a chance I’m going to go back and read all your post so you may get some comments from me. Much love and hugs to you!

    • Oh man. That sucks. So badly. Mine wan’t a terribly close friend, but I treated her well, so well. She came on our family holidays, stayed with me with her son, etc, etc. Maybe I always knew she wasn’t a true friend. I tried hard with her because they got on well, too. You know, friends of your partner, that you try to be friends with as well. Much easier than the other way. We have separated three times. I was no better. I am calmer and more “stable” now than I was at your stage. I have managed to stay, with a plan to leave when our youngest goes to uni. Two more years. We are still close. I still like him. But I cannot find a way forward with him. I don’t think I’ll be any better without him either. There are several factors from my and our past that I believe have contributed to my lack of healing. It is the most pain I have ever experienced in life. Him too. He also feels deep pain for what he threw away for some little bot lost ego stroking for a while. Dumbasses. I don’t get how they couldn’t extrapolate into the future about how this train wrecks when you throw the controls away and stop caring about the only person who truly cares about you.

      I wish you all the best in your divorce proceedings and totally understand about the financial mess. Same here.

  15. You are such a fine writer–no wonder you are doing so well at university. I found your site today and read just the end and the beginning of the blog. For what it’s worth, and of course all I can go by is what you’ve written, I don’t think your husband is the good guy you think he is. It isn’t just the long-term affair, horrific as it is.

    He cheated with her before. He essentially sold the business you built together while you were out of town. You forgive that and begin rebuilding with a new job. He doesn’t like the job and, poor sad boy, starts an affair, which gives you cancer and which he conducted in part in your daughter’s bed. And he was texting her in front of you all the while, the mark of the kind of cheater who loves the secret life. He is clearly not as delighted as he should be by your academic success. And he doesn’t like the blog, and here you are, giving it up. That’s the pattern you’re stuck in. And while it makes some kind of sense to wait until your children are done with school, the fact that you’ve decided to do that just gives him more control over your life.

    I’m not sure what you like about the guy. But I think you’re not healing because your body knows he is a very bad person for you. Now matter much fun you’ve had, or how much you like him, this is a horribly destructive man. He may be sad and remorseful, but at the first sign that you have a Self apart from him, he will blow that Self up. I don’t think for one minute that he feels the kind of pain you do because he hurts you time and again, just in different ways. He’s not a dumbass. He’s a predator.

    I read a column in a magazine about recovery from relationship abuse in which the writer speculates that women who are capable of life on a grand and rich scale may settle for marrying a pathological person because the excitement and chaos that pathologicals makes like seem bigger and fuller. The same site says that trauma victims, including victims of betrayal, need to live “gentle” lives, in terms of having a place to detox from stress and contact with destructive people.

    You are clearly such a deep, strong, true, devoted heart. Wishing you peace, contentment, happiness. I’d say you won’t know how much healing you can do until you get away both physically and psychologically from that relationship–because at the sub- or unconscious level,, you know what he is.

    • You won’t get too many arguments from me, Survivor. Or him. He can see all of that – NOW! The thing is, like most people, he is not all bad. He was a fabulous birthing partner, father, lover to me and our children for the vast majority of those first 21 years. But the things he did wrong, WOW, they were special. Really fucking special. Whilst he says he can see how single minded and damaging most of it was, he doesn’t FULLY get the damage about lying about the prostitute. He knows it was wrong. Very wrong. Both to do it, but far more importantly to me, to lie about it. When you haven’t valued your body and your morality like I did, none of my pain makes a lot of sense. If we were in better financial health I would buy another property and leave now. But reality check, we no longer have that luxury. I can do this for our kids. We live honestly. The kids are aware and we share thoughts about what works best for them. He has apologised to them and I have asked them to talk. To be honest if things feel off. They both say they are happy. They appear to be as well adjusted as possible, have great friends, play sport, both are receiving academic awards at their school prizegiving next week. This works for us. But only for now 🙂

      • Oh, and he has little control over me. Yes, I’m here, but I do as I please. I spend what I want on my education. I go places and do stuff without him. We live as flatmates. With as much respect as possible. Despite his insanely selfish crap, and my venting here, there is a lot more good than bad in this person. But of course that doesn’t help ME with moving on. Good guy, mostly, yeah, for sure. But still broke MY heart. No one else’s. As I have said elsewhere, he can’t be MY good guy. Believe me when I tell you he has learned a lot and I truly believe his remorse and the personal work he has done to become a better man.

  16. Hi, just want to say, I just read a precise definition of midlife crisis. The article said that when a man is in this phase of his life he makes insane decisions. He blows up his job, starts an affair, thinks his spouse is making him miserable even though she may be totally innocent, starts drinking, spends money he does not have and…….there is not a damn thing she can do because he has lost his mind. It usually starts in after his 40s begin. It can last 10 years and by then his marriage is gone, his children may be estranged, and all for what? Gray hair, balding, a pot belly, needing a little blue pill. He can pretend that life did this to him but he knows what he is doing…..he just does not care. My question is why would a woman want to have anything to do with anyone that messed up. Well, she has invested her youth in him. She has children with him. My take is that she has many years ahead of her and there is joy in all those years once she says “goodbye” to something as shitty as her marriage has become. I have relatives who lived vibrant lives until their late 90s. I hope all of you find your joy. Don’t let it be controlled by him. Someone who has blown your family to smithereens deserves a kick in the nuts and being told not to let the door hit him in the ass as he leaves. Being alone is so much better than feeling lonely in a room with him.

  17. Also, Survivor, I said much the same about Horse’s husband. He never was not looking. He may be the sweetest acting man on the planet but he still cheated on her many times.
    HC, you have a great life ahead of you. Just hang on. I went to college a little later and found I got so much more out of the experience and love the job I got after I graduated. I hope just when you are not looking that you find love. I hope he will let you know every day how much he feels blessed with you in his life. The very best of luck to you.

    • I think that although of course there is a lot of truth in this, when blogging after infidelity, the very worst of the cheater is exposed here publicly. Like everyone, he has good and bad qualities, displays good and bad behaviours. The point is, he recognises and despises what he did and lives a more aurhentic life now. And of course, it’s too late.

  18. Hey horses! How are you? I know if your like me your the same! It never gets any better some days may be better than others but they are mostly bad days! I hate to say that buts it’s the truth!

    I have went back and read some of your blogs….and oh my gosh your story is so much like mine! We had the beautiful love story, good marriage, worked hard and together for everything we have! Everyone loved us a couple, they looked up to us, came to us for relationship advice, envied our life and marriage? How could this have happened! It sucks beyond words! I am 16 months out and just recently filed and he has been served ( I think I told u that already in earlier comment) anyway , After the shock wore off which took several months…I realized nothing would ever be the same again and I would never get past this with him!

    He has tried so hard to make it right but that will never be possible because he can’t unfuck her….and I look back at actions and behaviors before and this probably isn’t the first time, he just got caught this time! And I believe no matter how much he changes it will more than likely happen again.

    I know for sure she was the one that came on to him and she was very persistent…he can’t say no I guess? So the next time it will be the same thing even if he tries to avoid it, he will give in again! And I can’t go through this again. Not to mention he broke everything, our vows, our love story, my heart, my trust etc…. We can’t go back to what we had which I know that you know that all to well!

    I am a horrible wreck and mess… I have barely gotten out of the bed in months. I don’t see how people get thru or past this! Anyway I probably already said most of this just wanted to drop by and like I said when I read some of your blogs and seen our stories were so close I just wanted to comment! Hope you have a good weekend! Hugs to you!

    • I’m so sorry, somuchhurt. All I can say is that the not getting out of bed phase does pass. Try really hard to find something to motivate you. For you. Small or big. A fitness goal. An educational or employment goal. Volunteering. Just some small thing you have to get up for. You’re right. It won’t go away. But somehow we can’t let the evil, selfish people snatch us away. Come back here and chat when you need to xxx.

  19. I don’t know how I missed this post, Paula, but I just found it today. I understand completely. I have gone through periods of needing to blog and to reach out to others who understood, and then periods where I needed to be away from it. I now find that it is nearing the time to focus on different things. I have, however, found myself inexplicably lonely in the past few weeks. Nothing much has changed. Maybe it’s precisely because nothing has changed. But if it is to be, it must start with me.

    I hope we will not lose touch with each other.

    Love to you,
    DJ

    • Loneliness is one of the more difficult aspects of this journey, huh DJ? However, I am more accepting of it than I was. We will make sure we keep in touch somehow, DJ. Much love to you xxx

  20. I don’t know how I missed this either. Guess there are a few of us who feel that spouting the same old shit is getting kinda boring LOL. But never forget that what seems boring to you can be a lifeline to someone else who’s going thru the same shit as you! Glad to know that you’ll still be around Paula, even if slightly quieter xx

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