Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

An unapology

31 Comments

Bit of a wee vent here, sorry. Just need to get it outside of me. Bear with me, or skip this entirely πŸ™‚

I am doing less blogging, spending less time trawling the internet for comfort. But I do still read a couple of blogs. A couple of days ago, I made a comment on one. A lovely lady whose husband has been diagnosed as a long term sex addict is going through the early part of her healing journey. I think she is amazing, and I will not point out who she is here, so as not to “garner support” for the comment I made. She has made contact with Beyond Affairs Network. A very interesting organisation that many of you will have heard of. I made contact and participated lightly in this organisation for a while in the first few years post D-day. It was a little hit or miss in this corner of the world, with chapter leaders coming and going a bit. I made a comment about my dealings with BAN – and organisation headed by a (ex) cheater and his faithful wife, with the very best of intentions, I am sure, but nevertheless, his cheating has enabled a very lucrative career to arise from a sad and hard period in his wife’s (and his own, sure) life – and how I struggled to get any further along in my healing. This is not BAN’s fault, I have struggled with healing with or without them! I just commented about my experience, and was slammed by another betrayed (her husband had an EA) who told me I was being unhelpful.

Well, I guess I think the point of blogging is to share. Yes, encouragement, and positive stuff is very important, but is it not untruthful to be positive about EVERYTHING? I said I had found it didn’t work for me, but that I hoped it did for this betrayed. She is dealing with a different set of circumstances, and a different economic basis than I am, she is able to attend more workshops than I could ever afford, and I think she is doing incredibly well under the terrible circumstances she has found herself – and her husband – in, but there is a commonality, and I voiced my experience to SHARE. To show that there is another side to every “healing” promise.

So, this is an unapology to that commenter, whom I will also not name. I am usually adamant that emotional cheating is horrendous, it is real, very….EXTREMELY… difficult to deal with, and I know this woman is very hurt, at times still angry (aren’t we all?) with young children (babies) involved, but in this case, I think one’s husband having sex, and/or being very intimate with other women is pretty damn hard to deal with! I don’t think I have ever used the sentence, “he was ONLY having an emotional affair,” until now. There is no ONLY in any kind of betrayal. However – and yes, I know this sounds like an, “I don’t mean to cause offense, but….” type of comment, and I do apologise to those who are genuinely reeling and agonised by emotional cheating – the mental imagery of his body going in and out of another woman’s/other womens’ is especially disturbing. As is the picture of him pleasuring her in all kinds of physical (bodily) and geographical places, especially in your own home. I know it haunts me. Daily. In my case (maybe not the sex addict’s) my love, the man I truly adored, whom I thought was as committed to me as I was to him, was having both an emotional and a sexual affair, I think I understand the hurt of both of these “types” of affair.

So, I unapologise here. Please do try to think of why people share what they do, and realise that not all of us are trying to tear others down, maybe they are just articulating a personal story. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it may not seem obvious how it could, but from my experience, I need to hear all kinds of experiences with all kinds of therapy, readings, etc, in order to analyse the information I have at hand through a different lens to the one I may be holding today.

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31 thoughts on “An unapology

  1. Don’t know what thread you mean but I did want to comment on the EA part.

    We don’t know – and I mean KNOW – that an EA was “all.” That’s just the most we’ve found PROOF for or they’ve admitted to… with strong suspicions it was more. With more people, more frequently, and more candidly than they’ll likely ever let on. Messages that imply WAY more happened but the OW says she was drunk when she wrote that message… things like that.

    I just wanted to point that out… that just because someone says it was an EA, doesn’t mean that’s “all.” It’s just all we KNOW. And the not knowing, for sure, is torturous, all on its own.

    • I agree entirely, insists. The torture of not knowing is …. unbearable. I was meaning if there was “just” (and please, I do not discount ANY cheating, sexual, or emotional, as JUST) an EA, it still hurts. A lot. You know, even those of us who have cheaters who admit cheating, or are caught cheating – sexually – well, we also wonder. Is this the only one, how close to others did he get, is this the whole picture, or is this just what he/she is admitting to. They are liars. So what do you believe? In my case, I feel like there has been total disclosure, but of course, a) there is no such thing, as one person cannot ever know the minutiae of another’s life, no matter how close, and b) turns out he has lied to me in the past, so how can I ever believe? How can I ever trust that one human is telling me the truth? You can’t. All you can do is accept what you are willing to as “the truth.” Mine told me enough details, enough information was volunteered without my digging, and long past things have been uncovered that were also bending my definition of “the truth.” for me to 95% believe this was the only affair, but he now admits to some things that in my book are instances of getting close to the line that should never have been crossed. Things that didn’t bother me BEFORE he was a cheat. But he doesn’t quite understand that they are material NOW that he HAS. It changes the rules.

      I wish you well on your journey, I do understand what you are getting at here, and I hope he is telling the whole truth. I really do.

      • Me too. I’m just WAITING for him to fuck up… for me to find something else. I’m so sure, sometimes, that he’s faking it still. He knows, after this long, what it takes to shut me up and make me suck it up. It’s a huge humility trip, to accept this huge weakness in myself.

        I’m learning, slowly, to suck up nothing. Fucking prove it, you bastard. Even if it’s retroactive. Even if you have to pick a fight in front of me, with her, to show me. And even then. I don’t know if this is fixable. It sucks.

  2. NH got to it before I could… ❀ you and your honesty, Paula. You know how I feel about the whole thing πŸ™‚ . Also, glad we got another post out of you!

  3. I agree with you completely.

  4. BAN didn’t help me either. There may be wise words in their book but the title alone made me balk. Even now I still can’t bring myself to even read the title through to the end because I know I’ll never be in that place where I can utter the words “it was the best thing that happened to us”. Affairs make you face your demons, your downfalls and your shortcomings as a person in every part of your life and that is hard to do on top of facing a new reality of who you’re partner really is. I wish I could say our marriage is in a better place now because of what we know and understand about ourselves, but all the fucking lying he did can never be undone and the whole messy sordid truth is unforgivable. I agree with you Paula that BAN most likely have helped a lot of people but it’s not for everyone. I think you and I are in the same boat of needing to heal ourselves rather than hoping there might be a magic pill that will undo all the hurt and the painful memories and put us back to where we were. But when you’re just simply stuck no one else can really help you.

    • Hi bubsy! Lovely to hear from you. Hoping 2015 is the shaping of some distance from the unhappy events of our pasts.

      Yes, the reasons there were such comings and goings with the leadership of BAN locally were that the leaders felt “unhealed” and although the information that is offered is positive and… well, logical… I mean, of course heal yourself, of course try to feel better about things, of course try to reframe the events to “make your husband’s affair(s) the best thing that happened” – to your marriage, to try to make it a better version than the one you had. But in reality, most of us seemed to just feel “not good enough” because we didn’t reach this nirvana of higher healing, that seemed almost promised by the organisation – IF YOU JUST TRIED HARDER! I think it is a personality type thing. Anne is obviously more “forgiving” in nature than I am, than maybe you are, bubsy. And honestly, I had a REALLY good, not perfect, but REAL, and extremely loving and satifying relationship. Roger had a long moment of crisis that he felt lost within, and he is back, the REAL Roger. But that doesn’t wipe the slate clean, I don’t not (loving the double negative, my fave!) remember the way he treated me, and the way I had loved him for decades, he did fuck someone I trusted – well, I trusted him not to hurt me, and I trusted that friendship meant something real to women, and maybe I just hoped that this woman also lived by the “sisterhood code” – maybe I was stupid for that – for fifteen months, and he did expose me to some dreadful diseases, to her wrath when she “lost” the prize of his fabulous self, he did fuck our children’s view of relationships. He did push “play” on all of my (known to him) buried childhood fears and insecurities. Somehow my joy button was disabled during all of this. He knows he cannot undo any of it, and I know I am one of those who is stuck, and terribly frustrated with what to do next to try to find a few crumbs of the joy I used to face the world with. I never imagined that the actions of others would dampen my joy, as I had shown a great deal of resilience over the years – I LOVED life. It seems to have run out. His affair has been tagged in my now dysfunctional brain as catastrophic, when in fact, it just is another life event. The pain of not healing is now physical, I am suffering with infections and physical maladies that I never had before. I know my mind is making me sick, and I can’t seem to control the train one iota! I am not really a stupid woman, I know I am making myself sick, and old, and bitterness is the scary future if I can’t turn this around. It seems bizarre to me to think I can’t control the way I think, to push the evil away.

      Blah – THIS stuff is why I “stopped” blogging, the negativity. If only “stopping” had improved my outlook, but now I just feel more alone than ever with the knowledge that this is all self inflicted now. I don’t get it. I don’t get why positive affirmations, mindfulness techniques and living with purpose have not changed my mind’s habits – I’ve been practising happy for a loooong time now!

      • Maybe the reality that this truly is a bad world was always there but it took this particular catastrophic event to realise? It doesn’t surprise me that my recovery is long and hard (if ever!) as I’ve known from an early age that bad things happen. Like you I just can’t access the switch that turns it off. The thing with me is that He was supposed to make things better for me after all the bullshit but he just piled his own bullshit on top of me. If I can’t believe in the man I love the who the hell can I believe in?!

        Happy new year Hun btw πŸ™‚ xxx

  5. πŸ™‚ never, ever, the best thing that happened to me. I wrote it before in a post and I stand up and applaud you my sweet friend for saying it too.

    Don’t take it personally, anger is so huge a part of our journey and if her cheater is admitting to an EA chances are? In my humble opinion he’s either banged his whore or is making plans too…women use emotion to get love…men to get sex. It’s a fact, google it πŸ˜‰

    Hugs my sweet friend good to see you are still around

    • Cheers Kelly. You do have to question what dickhead decided on the title of their book!!! However, beyond the title, I found BAN a little too formulaic for my needs. I am no wallflower, and it seemed the anger was being treated as something we needed to move on from well before I was capable of! Hell, anger is yout friend here, NO! I will not put up with that kind of disrespect, you filthy cheat!

      But I digress. Yep on the sex v love/men v women dichotomy. Big design flaw, huh? X

  6. Paula, I too love you dearly. Your honesty, humor and willingness to speak pure TRUTH are like rays of light. Anne’s book was one of the first ones I read, and to be honest, I found a great deal of it offensive. To be clear, I am NOT judging her experience or her ability to heal and forgive. But for ME, she seemed to gloss over the negative emotions, skip right on to the healing, and was FAR too willing to shoulder a good deal of responsibility for his affair.

    When I was newly betrayed, I needed the Crazy Kelly Posse! I needed people to HEAR my pain and rage and hurt. I needed to know I was NORMAL. I needed to know THIS WOULD get better. And it has. But it will NEVER EVER be called the “best thing that ever happened”. My perspective is a little different from some, I know. Our marriage was not falling apart prior to his affair. We were not fighting all the time. We loved each other and were getting along. His issues were his issues, and were exacerbated by job, financial and loss of parent issues.

    Bad things are simply that. BAD things. We can CHOOSE and WORK and MAKE good things out of the ashes. We can learn. Calling it the “best thing” is ridiculous in the extreme. To put it in context, does anyone ever call being raped or having a loved one murdered a “good thing”? Even if they learn and grow and build a successful business out of it? Even if they find strength they didn’t know they had? Of course not. They would trade it all in a heartbeat if they could undo it.

    Lastly, I agree with both you and Kelly. I think most EA’s have a physical component that the cheating spouse just doesn’t want to own up to, because they think an EA isn’t “cheating”. It isn’t an “affair”. I know my husband was able to fool himself that it wasn’t an “affair” until they started having sex. His affair was both, and honestly the physical part has been the hardest to get over. It has created enormous problems for us, not the least of which was him exposing me to HPV, which my doctor believes led to the total hysterectomy I had to have during the affair. My health has and will continue to be impacted by this. I would never discount the horror of an EA, but not having to deal with the aftermath of a PA would do a lot for my healing process.

  7. Man! You and I are betrayed twins, EG! Our relationship was also not on the decline prior to his affair. We loved. And it happened anyway. Choices. Rough patch handled poorly. And I know most people think the emotiinal stuff is the hardest – hell, it’s hard – but long term, the sexual aspect and the HPV have been the hardest for me to overcome also. I think I didn’t find the Brecht’s book until I’d read Shirley Glass and …. oh God, memory is fading here…. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. (Hope I got that right?) So I had already had “validation” that my response to his affair with my (cough) friend was normal. I found the Brecht’s idea of forgiveness and shouldering any large part of his shit choices a VERY bitter pill to swallow!

    Glad progress is continuing for you guys, EG. Always love your comments and your outlook and insight x

  8. I was pissed at my husband when I found out he was “just talking to another woman”, I was ready to divorce him and be nothing but hateful to him. I spoke to him like he was a dog. A week later I found that it had actually been physical… I collapsed, never in my life have I ever felt the blood moving through my body, my hands were numb, I was physically and mentally weak. There is a big difference between an emotional and physical affair. Hands down the fact he had gotten physical with someone, forced me to realize I could no longer push my husband away -as he was already leaving.

  9. Wow, not sure I should have gone back and revisited this comments page. But I did. Ouch. I have not read Anne’s book, or attended more than one BAN meeting but as I have said on my blog, I found great solace in their workshop. It was very helpful to me to create a bond with a lot of other women who wanted to heal themselves. Some of them are already DIVORCED! so the marriage part was totally separate. We still have a strong bond two months. I feel lucky. I do love this blogging community as well, but not when on a rage rant. I feel the pain too, my husband cheated for 15 fucking years, but I still do not see any reason for people to go on about whether someone else’s supposed EA was just emotional or sexual, or whatever. Sheesh. In the spirit of how your post was written, Paula, this is just my opinion. I hope we can all find a little more happiness in our lives in 2015. ❀

    • Thanks Kat. I guess this wasn’t supposed to be about emotional versus sexual. It all hurts. I am adamant about that. My point was supposed to be about sharing the commonalities and the differences. And that there is no one way to healing. I felt a lot of the pain was somewhat minimised on our “healing journey” by this approach. Kind of a little bit brushed over? Like, “yes, something bad happened, try not to look too long at that,instead, focus on how wonderful it is now.” Which is a fabulous idea. But my heart didn’t feel anything but crushed. There was no new fabulous. Just destruction. My grief stage has been extremely drawn out. Far too long. I wish I could move forward from it faster, but this is just the way I am grieving this. For whatever reason? Being around people who were (or seemed?) further along, faster, made me feel not good enough all over again πŸ™‚

      • I do understand where you were coming from with your post, thus my simple little comment way way up there πŸ™‚ . I still need to finish reading your blog, UGH, but from what I have read, and comments you have written on my blog and others, I feel like I understand where you are coming from, as much as someone can through a computer screen.

        I felt like because of the “other woman’s” comments on my blog that day, maybe you didn’t want to upset anyone and therefore you had to temper your comments there, so you came back to your blog to get it all out. Boy, do I get that. I will also write a post about just wanting to be heard as I was seething after a post written by an other woman and I left a long (respectful) comment, which she did not post. Anyway, later on that. I am not sure things can ever be apples to apples… I have not really participated in the BAN Network (not started by Anne, but now run by her, I guess), I have not watched any of the videos or listened to the webcasts on their website, but I have participated in the take your life back seminar and it was great for me. We were all in a horrible place, together. I have not read the book. To be honest, I have the book, but could not get past the first couple of pages because there are some triggers (namely the name Brian has given his other woman is actually the actual real name of my husband’s other woman).

        I obviously realize you have no control over the comment thread that happens once you post, and everyone loves you and maybe sometimes we get a little sidetracked with our own agenda, ha. Like I said, it was just nice to get a post from you. I hope you are feeling better. It seems a lot of people are down this week… now I need to go back and thank Violet for her very direct recommendation that I go back to therapy :). Peace, hugs, and love to you. ❀

        An old friend whose husband left her for a younger woman has invited me to visit her in NZ to get away from my husband, ha. I may take her up on it.

      • Very true, Kat. I was first switched onto the existence of BAN by a couples’ therapist. She was a sweet older woman, apparently happily married who gave me a Peggy Vaughan article to read. Me being the researcher I am (or one to follow a rabbit down a hole – ha!) I then looked up The Monogamy Myth. Peggy started BAN, as you probably know, and her writing seemed to me to be a little more “balanced” than the Brechts’. That said, there was little that was “new” to me there. I have always seen monogamy as a choice, and not one that everyone should choose. I don’t even believe in monogamy for life in many cases. I entered the primary love relationship I have experienced with all of that very clearly mapped out – and illustrated. I do believe in honesty. I do believe in communication. I thought we had nailed those two pieces of the jigsaw. We talked a lot over the decades about change. About being mindful and careful with other people’s hearts. I thought he got it. He seemed genuinely disgusted when friends cheated on their partners. I am actually pissed off with him that he was careless with my former friend’s heart! Crazy, I know. I know she had choice, but I also believe she truly felt he was “the one that got away.” Three people were very hurt here.

        I just desperately need the pain to permanently reduce. Life is short and there is so much to see, learn and do. My view is so clouded by the ache of this stupid load I struggle to put down. So damn tired.

  10. Hey Paula….well, my husband had a 4 month EA…and I can say…it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with…BUT, that being said…I KNOW a PA has to be the worst!!
    We’ve discussed this before Paula….I went back and forth, not quite sure…but now, 4 yrs out from Dday…yes, a PA is far worse!!
    The mind movies of my H talking and laughing, flirting, with the Cow…it was awful….to think it went beyond that? OMGosh!! No…I couldn’t deal with it!! I’m just thankful the Cow lives 900 miles away!!

    And yes BAN…ugh! I found Brian to be very arrogant…just my opinion…and the fact that their daughter was so screwed up by it, and got into drugs…nope, I couldn’t forget that!!

    Love ya Paula…and it’s your blog…rant away!!

  11. Thanks, lonely. I guess my point is pain is pain is pain. And everyone has similarities and differences. Sharing the good, the bad, etc about the healing journey is part of my (very slow, lol) healing process. I am very aware that although I never was “whole” I will never feel that peace of mind of true love in the way that made me feel safe, cherished and at peace. But there are other ways of being. Just gotta find a slightly more accommodating niche πŸ˜‰

  12. Here here for being able to share your own views and experiences, regardless which side of the fence they fall on. Honesty and sharing is a beautiful thing…I know not everyone agrees. I will always be a fan of intelligent discourse (not necessarily of angry ranting, but I don’t think you’ve done that Horses).

    PS I blog negativity a lot (my life is tough right now)…that way I don’t have to stuff the pain inside where I feel lost and alone all the time. Some readers can take it, some can’t, and I understand either way. But if you feel writing out your pain will help, I strongly urge you not to stifle it.

    • With you there, violet. That is what I see the purpose of my blogging is. An outlet for the pain I can’t rant about IRL. After so long on this journey I would come across as completely bats if I expressed my pain out loud, in public. This is my safe space to offload πŸ™‚

  13. If someone is doing something in secret….a PA, an EA, or both, they are cheating. The pain they cause the spouse/s cannot be quantified, put on a time table or blown off as meaning nothing. The person who has the right to say whether it meant something is the person cheated on. The person who says the pain is so awful it is past bearing is the one who was cheated on. The person who says how long the pain will last is the person cheated on. No one has any rights to say whether one pain is worse than the other. You cannot quantify self esteem obliteration. You cannot quantify the wreckage left behind. A tornado may tear the roof off one home a blow out the walls of another. Both houses have to be rebuilt. How do you rebuild a marriage when trust( the foundation, the walls, the roof) has been blown away. Only the person cheated has the right to that decision.

  14. Hello. I know you’ve stopped writing for a while but I admire your forcefulness. I agree it’s untruthful to be positive all the time. You can’t live a healthy life with the pain of betrayal if you don’t feel it first and become overwhelmed by it. That means being a little ugly at times and tearing at fabric. Have a great 2015.

    • Thanks, SaBiscuit. I am with you there. I guess for me, I supposed the pain would eventually lessen. I knew it would never dissipate completely, but healing has been very slow for me. It is frustrating and difficult to be kind to myself with the snail’s pace! However, kind I do try to be to this bashed and bruised heart x

  15. It seems the comment thread ran out above, ha, I tend to do that. I do not know much about Peggy. I know she has since passed and that is how Anne ended up taking over, but they did not talk about the BAN network at all at the seminar, and I never got that far into it. I just fell into the TYLB seminar… found out about it one week and attended it the next. That’s it, that’s the extent really of my connection to the whole Beyond Affairs deal other than our group of women (that doesn’t include Anne or Brian) has a Facebook page where we all connect and try and give each other moral support.

    I am sure you have weighed all your options, but are you still living with your husband? Maybe you feel stifled. Maybe you just need to be free and live on your own for a while? Are the kids still home? I know I need to get away here soon. I feel like I am now healing on my own, but still dealing with my husband’s recovery every day. It is exhausting. Maybe you need a change of scenery. Sometimes we have to be what we might feel is selfish in order to save ourselves and be of any good to others?

    I know I have said this before, but I truly do hope you find some happiness soon. It has been too long. ❀

    • Hi Kat. Firstly, we have been separated for eight months in the wake of his affair. Not for a couple of years now, but we separated three times – the longest was for about five months. What we do now is share accommodation and parenting, we are each other’s best mate. We love each other. But our sexual and full partnership relationship is over, I found it far too painful, the agony of what was once such an incredibly beautiful and fulfilling life together, and the sex, wow, it used to be so moving. It just got too painful for me, the tears during and after and the lack of intense pleasure. It was torturous for me to think of him inside her, licking her, kissing her, her moaning in ecstasy as he pleasured her. Her in our children’s beds, on my couch, bent over the kitchen bench, whether she actually was in all of those places is irrelevant, some of them she was, some of them apparently not, but I still saw that, real or imagined (I feel like a broken record here, lol.) I stopped that quite some time ago. The first two to three years were fine, great, we had a long period of hysterical bonding but then I fell into a huge sexual abyss, from which I have never recovered. I was intensely sexually attracted to him for over twenty-five years, but then it was gone. And I feel nothing for anyone, not even myself. It surprised me so much, as I had been an adventurous and enthusiastic sexual being. So, I got my hormone levels tested. Fine. Then we tried sex therapy for a while – it was about the worst therapy we encountered. The therapist was aiming her advice at a repressed woman who had never let go and enjoyed sex, but that wasn’t me. Eventually I told him I was sick of trying to conjure up a way to endure the pain – and he was horrified that it had come to that. I left the room mentally to cope with sex for the last couple of months of our sexual partnership. Just. Too. Damn. Agonising.

      We have one of our three children still at home, and the middle one is home for the summer, about to head off to uni in a couple of weeks. We have an exchange student coming to live with us for six months at the end of this week. I take time out for myself, we were once together every day, working shoulder to shoulder, but I work and study off farm now, and I take off to our lake house as often as possible.

      Your support group sounds lovely. I know what you mean about everyone’s story being different. I hope you get some respite from Blue Eyes’ recovery for a while, soon x.

  16. My Mom went through about five years of depression after my brother left for college. I mean serious depression. She was also going through menopause. Then my father got prostate cancer and had his entire prostate removed. They both changed in dramatic ways over a period of 10 years. Then they had 15 amazing sex-free years together. Now my father is dying (they did not get all the cancer from the lymph nodes), so they are both a mess. He is just trying to live out the end of his life with as much fulfillment as possible, and my mom (still a very young and in good health 70 years old) is back to her depression. They just put her back on the anti-depressants and she is doing better. IF I was ever to go on anti-depressants, I would speak to my mother and sister first to see what did and didn’t work for them… I believe they have been on them ALL! Anyway, we all have a story and we all do the best we can. Unfortunately, infidelity is just a whole other can of worms. My MIL used to talk with me about my sister and say, why does she not just wake up in the morning and say, “it’s going to be a beautiful day, and I am happy.” Geez. My sister has a serious mental illness and I consider my MIL to be one of the least genuinely happy people I know, she just pretends like everything in her life is perfect because she would crumble if she didn’t. Anyway, now I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed. I sort of know how my sister feels, or maybe just a little part of it. I got so frustrated with the commenters regarding the self harm. I am not sure they even understand self harm if they think we do it to manipulate and get attention. I did not know about my sister’s self harm for years. My sister does all of her self harm in complete privacy because hers is driven by the illness in her head, not coming from the words of a liar sleeping in her bed. When I FINALLY told her about my self harm, she pulled back her sleeves and pant legs and said, yes, it helps, but sometimes it leaves a scar. I could now very clearly see all the scars. She told me she had not had the need to cut in a long time as her medications are thankfully worked out, for now. She said she was glad that there was now someone in the family who knew she did not do any of it to get attention. It was to release the pain. The only reason anyone has seen my self harm is because my husband was there because he perpetrated the pain. Anyway, I am off on a self centered tangent now. I just hope you find that right mix of happy and your life evens out in a way you can better deal with. We’ve got one shot at this life thing… I do a lot better when I can find that little bit of happiness, but I do have to work hard it at these days, whereas before, I didn’t really have to do a damn thing. Peace, hugs and <3.

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