Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum




Well, it has been a while, I know. I enrolled in a summer school paper to play catch up, thinking that the breeding season would slow down and I would have time to work on this project. Nyah-uh. We have only started to slow down (seasonal business, we go flat out for about five months of the year, then play catch up over the winter) this week, just a tad. Problem: paper due tomorrow.

I have the day off work, to fine tune the dreaded project, and have just submitted it.

O. M. G.

So damn relieved.

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing with this “go-nowhere” degree. I am only doing it for self fulfillment purposes, and man, it is a bloody unfulfilling process when I bleed to get things on paper. Luckily I am off to the races later this afternoon to watch my filly race. Not great hopes, she has drawn a wide gate, but she is on the recovery trail after a wind operation and ran a very encouraging third at her first post-op start a few weeks ago. If she runs well – oh let’s be honest here Paula – if she runs motherless last – I will be having the hugest gin tonight!

This has been an interesting last few weeks. I have decided I am now casting myself as the vilest bitch out there. I have cut my middle brother out of my life – long, stupid, juvenile story – and had words with my oldest-friend-in-the-world. No longer am I the peacemaker/doormat/people-pleasing-dumbass that I often was for the first forty-five years (maybe more) of my life. Hell, I have always been opinionated, and voiced that, but, my God I liked to play nice. I can’t be arsed with any of that palaver anymore. I have re-branded.

To illustrate: Roger and I have an exchange student living with us for six months. She’s delightful and the same age as our youngest, who heads off on exchange to France in August. We committed to this, after much discussion about our weird living situation, as a pay-it-forward type of thing. Someone will be hosting our girl, the least we could do was host another “as payment.” So, we decided together that we would try to do a lot of things that “normal” families do, play good hosts. We have had a lot of activities planned, and one of them was to do a North Island walk near our holiday home before the weather turns to shit, and they close the mountain track in winter. It is about 20km, and in an alpine area, requiring a medium level of fitness. I have been on the treadmill and doing as much walking as I can, to catch up on my waned fitness as I have been sitting around reading and writing outside of work hours. I don’t feel I have done enough just yet. Friends got wind of us wanting to do the walk, and invited themselves along. Now, this sounds all very convivial, but these friends include a marathon runner and two women who do a lot of alpine tramping and are SAHMs who go to intense gym sessions every day they are not climbing mountains. What a fun day for a late 40s lardarse, huh? I was furious, and pulled out last week, citing my essay’s deadline (which was a real problem.) My oldest-friend-in-the-world (one of the “mountaineers”) rang me at work on Monday to get me to convince the boys to do it another day as something had come up for her and Mountaineer#2. I told her I wasn’t doing it today, but planned to take the girls and some friends and do it in the next few weeks. She replied, “cool, M#2 and I will come too!” I blankly stared at the wall in my office and replied, “no. No you won’t. I am unfit, and this is my idea of hell, you two sprinting up the mountain, and me breathlessly trying to catch up, only to have you sprint away again when I get to where you are waiting, when I need to drink water and breathe.” She was a bit shitty saying she would be fine doing it at my pace. But she won’t. And I would be miserable. I know this from prior experience with her, Ms PE-degree/push-yourself-to-the-point-of-death. I want to do this and feel GOOD about my achievement, ENJOY the beautiful scenery, not feel strapped, agonised and miserable. This without the problems I have with social anxiety these days. I would be in an uncomfortable physical space, pushing myself far too hard, hell, I know it will be physical, and I do push myself like I did the other day keeping up with a party going up a different mountain, but it was a GOOD challenge, not a scary-I-think-I-might-have-a-heart-attack kind of challenge, more a sweaty, heartbeating-in-my-head kind of Ididit, and IknewIwouldandcould kind of achievement. I don’t need to also be in an uncomfortable mental space, fighting my mental panic attack symptoms I now get around people I know. So, the whole lot of the crew that Roger has dubbed The Kardashians (because they are rich and useless) has had a little catfight over who is going, when, with whom, and where they are planning on sipping Pinot Gris afterwards, urghh. The self-proclaimed leaders of the clan wanting to do it their way and day, while two of the fatter men have worked quite hard and cleared their work schedules to do it today. Roger just said, “FuckYouAll, I’m going Wednesday, and anyone who wants to stay at our place is welcome.”  He told me that Fatty #1 (his best mate) and him are going to get going at around 6am and knock the bugger off, before the crowds. Meanwhile, I feel like a bit of a failure because my plan to do something fun and outdoorsy has been thrown off track a bit. I am so damn pleased I no longer play nice with the Kardashians, but hell, I feel like I was elbowed out of my own mini-adventure!

And my battle with isolation continues…

Oh well, will go watch the horse race and get-the-fuck-over-it with a giant gin tonight – earned!

Cin cin dahlinks!


8 thoughts on “Isolation?

  1. I hope your horse ran well and your gin goes down well. Cheers!
    What a huge fuss about nothing really. Good on you to stand your ground. Take control. Do what YOU want to do and feel good about it. Life is far too short to be coerced into doing something you know won’t feel right.
    I was just talking to H about s very same thing just a few days ago. We were in your neck of the woods as in nz and doing the tongariro crossing. H had this stupid need to climb to the top of every bloody peak and was making me hurry up so we could fit it all in and it made me snippy because I felt there was no need to climb that peak just because it was there. I was so happy sauntering along so we parted ways and off he went. He was saying that if we were to do that walk or a similar walk in this part of his life then he knows he would not have that need. He says he would just let it all go and just enjoy the walk rather than stress about getting to the top of everything. Enjoy the present.
    I love nz. I plan to mosey along the Abel Tasman next….and I mean stroll!!!!!!

    • Lol, the horse went fair, but not unexpected, second up syndrome, and she had a wide gate and a concrete track when she prefers a bit of easing in the ground, sixth, finished the run off nicely coming from well back on the turn, so not disappointing.

      It was the Crossing we were doing, the start is about 40 minutes from our bach – not a big trip, just a little tramp, but I am the least fit I have ever been at present, with my full time uni and full time job, I am stretched in too many directions. I know I can do it easily, haven’t done it since my teens, I just know I will feel it a bit when it is done. No need for it to be a race – and a race it was, the fittest RAN the majority of it, and meanwhile, the larger guy was struggling, Rog stayed with him the whole way, genuinely worried at one point on the way down that they might not make it the whole way, but he got there, so proud of the big guy! Rog was disgusted at their attitude.

      Do the Routeburn, if you ever can, it is awesome, did it a few years ago, still have a few of the big South Island tracks to tick off the bucket list, Abel Tasman being one of them. We are catching up with a friend in Nelson in May and will do the much shorter Takaka Hill track, only a quick trip, but one I haven’t been on yet, just a day activity to earn a few beers afterwards. I love tramping, but I also know that to really enjoy it you need to do a few more miles than I have recently. I will get to the Crossing in about a fortnight, before it shuts for winter.

      And mosey I will if the mood takes me!

  2. I’m soooo with you Paula, on all of this. And here is my hugest gin of gins to say cheers to yours: Clink!

    We are going to NZ in July, and with a not-quite-five year old we are curtailed in hiking/snowshoeing but I must admit I am kind of grateful. I’ll happily mosey at her pace and let the boys go ahead with all their competitive vibes strapped to them like a huge daypack.

    • Yay for littlies, Neph 😉 . I find I do desire the feeling of keeping up with my young adults. I really am finding these late 40s early 50s men and women around me pretty juvenile. It’s pathetic. So glad I didn’t go. It was awful the way they competed and Roger was pretty unimpressed with the after party topics of conversations – one of which was my former best friend (who knows our living situation) telling him to go home and wave his wang around to get me in the mood. Snorting in disgust here. Pathetic and completely without any understanding of what I have told her about my sexual abyss. So disappointed in her yet again

  3. Good for you for being strong enough to put yourself before others! You’ve earned more than just a gin, you’ve earned the right to be strong and proud of how you’re handling your life.

    I’m glad you’re happy with your horse’s running, too. She’ll either get faster, or not… but as long as you’re happy with her, that’s all that matters.

    • Thanks once! I think the horse is faster than that, on a more suitable track. Thing is, she’s a stayer, and this was only a 1400m race. Wait ’til she gets over more ground 🙂

  4. Yay, a post! All of last year I avoided seeing friends altogether. We just went to a professional football (soccer 🙂 ) match here with friends a couple nights ago. I was a little leery as when our kids were growing up, this couple who we have known for 23 years, could get a little competitive. It actually turned into a pleasure seeing them after having not for a few years. Kids are grown, no competitive vibe, just good old conversation. Too bad our team lost, but my friend drinks lots of wine and had never been to a soccer game before, so she didn’t even notice. :).

    Good for you for holding your ground!

    • Thanks Kat – I was still very social the first years, I have become a little hermit-like since the sex went on holiday, lol. I just can’t stand that no one gets it. And they don’t have to, they just live their lives :-). Glad you had a lovely time with your wine-drinking friend – sounds like fun!

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