Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Hmmm, how long is it to meh?

29 Comments

I am totally stealing a link from one of my favourite betrayed’s blogs today. It has been circulating and fermenting in my brain as I struggle to eek out a (revolting!) essay that has gone totally off-piste! CrazyKat of trynottocryonmyrainbow posted this link to the BEST DAMN ARTICLE on friendship and its demise after someone has suffered such ultimate betrayal. I was very choked up reading it, and most unlike me, I read it again. (Thank you Kat.)

It’s amazing! It says everything I have thought, felt and wanted to punch the whore for – at least in the past couple of years. My losses are real, and a shrink validated what I have observed, and worse, felt down to my very core. Great Betrayals indeed. (Bah, can’t get the link to embed – pasting here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=all&_r=5&.

The interesting thing for me is this. Roger thinks he wants “us” to survive. He is hanging in there until the very last breath. I have asked him to list the farm for sale this September, so we can get some closure, and split some assets, so I can move away. He is lovely, he is thoughtful, he is understanding (I thought.) I decided to open up to him a little. My walls have been high, water-tight for a long time, since I knew I needed to end this agony of trying to forgive enough to move forward with him, it just wasn’t happening, I was too damaged. But, I read the article to him. He was silent. He stayed silent. Over a day later (and we have both been at home all weekend, without kids) he decided I was angry with him. I wasn’t. I just thought he had the emotional intelligence of a gnat. Probably more sheer disappointment. So he asked me if I was angry at him about something. I said, “no, not angry at all.” He replied with, “it seems like you are.” I looked at him, and said “what would I have to be angry at you about?” His reply? “Is it about the article you read out to me?” (See, he knew!)  I said that it didn’t really matter too much, I don’t really share much anymore, so …. whatever. But the truth of it is, he didn’t care. And he knows it. He has made all the right noises about caring, about trying to understand me, and how catastrophic this has been one me, and my struggle to understand why (after all, two people were having sex for a while, meh!)

But I am severely damaged. I have had little recovery, and it FUCKING PISSES ME OFF! I thought I was better than this, stronger than this. I didn’t need validation from a man, or society for anything. But this has ruined my life – and that is no bloody exaggeration, and it PISSES ME OFF. I don’t WANT it to have ruined my life! Leanne (and Roger) robbed me of all of my emotional strength, resilience and my worldview. Not to mention my friendships, and my joy. The injustice is obvious, but why does it still hurt so damn much?

So, I read something that makes me feel understood, by some woman I will never meet, and I ponder my world now. No real people other than my children, two of whom live in different parts of the country, and one who will fly away from me come September. I would have loved for just one of my friends to have understood. But, it is what it is, and I have to learn to live around that pile of shit, thanks ACT.

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29 thoughts on “Hmmm, how long is it to meh?

  1. Loved the article too I sent it to M who only read a little of it..
    Talk about emotions of a gnat..
    Not sure what my game plan is but I agree this cannot be it for me
    ❤️you Paula to the moon and back

    • Thanks NH. He did discuss it with me a little later. He agrees entirely with it. I have suffered a great deal, losing so, so much, he can see that, he has learned how much he hurt me. How none of it (the damage) is irreversible, and that even my friendships, and my very identity, have been irrecoverably changed – for the worse – and he has come to terms with what he did. He doesn’t like it, it has altered him, and he has learned SOOO much about what has shaped him throughout his lifetime. But all of that hasn’t helped me, as the injured party! My game plan was to stay and work through this together, but I can almost pinpoint the moment I realised I was beginning to unhitch my wagon from his. This past year it has run downhill in the opposite direction, gathering speed. I think it is a culmination of time (nearly six years, and my youngest about to set sail…..)

      Love you, too NH, I wish you a little peace x

  2. Oh…..Paula. The article and what Kat wrote really hits a spot doesn’t it? It hits the core. It made me see a bit more of why I am feeling how I feel and why there is such desolation when I think of the past.
    I am so sad that you and R were not able to sit down and talk it through and that he was silent and had nothing to say? I am so sorry.
    Is he agreeable to starting the division of assets? Does he understand that it is the begining of detachment?
    Why are your walls up so high? Other than day to day communication are you both able to sit down and bare your inner emotions and feelings to each other at present? Has it been a while since you have? Would it help?
    You need to recover and heal for your own sanity and your life going forward.
    It sucks. It all fucking sucks.
    Sorry if I ask stupid questions but I am just really feeling for you.
    ((((((Hug)))))))

    • No such thing as a stupid question, right, CF?

      He did talk to me later, but I felt it was after I had almost prompted him, and we have discussed that – he NEEDS to come to me straight away, even if it is just to say, “I need some time to ponder what you just presented me with.”

      On the disconnect, and the walls. I have NEVER had them, I had no filter, I shared EVERYTHING with him, he was my “soulmate” (yeah, right) and I just adored him and thought he had the most amazing character. We did another round of therapy a while back – I think it is documented on my blog a while back – and it was EFT – the therapist was clear that she had never seen people re-attach once they have detached after betrayal. That worried Roger no end at the time, as he said he had observed that I had. I wasn’t sure. But I think my walls went up about three years ago, and were greatly reinforced about a year ago, when I got to the five year mark, still agonised. I was SURE we would make it, after all, he ended it of his own volition, before I ever knew, and he was GUTTED and SORRY and DISGUSTED in himself. I recognised he had a breakdown. But, I am so damaged by it, I miss what we had SOOOO much, my guy, the one I snuggled into every night, he was gone, and I was trying to learn to love a new guy, who had many similarities, but was completely different. My love was kind, considerate, and wouldn’t dream of hurting me. The new guy was not to be trusted, and I FORCED myself to trust him, and he was totally transparent, and remorseful, and worked hard at repair.

      We talk. A lot. He is my best friend, always was, and now he is my only friend, it’s bloody hard to let him go.

      It just was never enough for me – the girl he called the most low maintenance girl he knew, I changed, and I don’t do high maintenance, it makes me wonder who I am, and where the girl I liked went.

      • I can understand. I am so sorry Paula. I can see now where you are coming from. I have started to re read your blog a few weeks ago to try and comprehend your journey to present day.
        The theory of detachment really interests me. I think I can understand that if you detach after the betrayal then it is hard to come back but would it be impossible? I suspect for most couples it works differently. The couple is usually detached at the time of the betrayal then after discovery they work at coming together again.
        All the issues that you write about with Roger and his state of mind at the time whilst in the affair point to a person being in turmoil. His bad decisions, his guilt, his regret, his selfish actions all point to a man in need of something he perceives is missing in his life. He made a stupid stupid decision. He failed to let his best friend know. He failed to think of the consequences of his actions. He took such a huge risk and was blindsided by some shallow gratification that would for the moment satisfy some need he felt he deserved. Thoughtless of anyone but himself. But…..
        For five years he has worked at trying to repair his mistake. Is there anything you can see that he should have done or done something better? Do you feel in any way that the relationship you now have with him based on the last five years is worth a future ? Don’t think past the last five years. Think about all the communication and compassion and kindness mixed with regret and remorse that he has shown you since discovery. Think of the genuine friendship you have. Think of the good man who did a dumb thing. They are so dumb aren’t they?
        I know the damage is done and the damage you feel is not letting you go. The damage is huge. It hurts so much it makes me cry but at some point we can’t let that win. It is for our own good that we need to work at somehow letting that go. Set it adrift. Put it in a box and burn it, blow it up, it is nothing but a shit of a fucking awful memory and it does not need to be immortalised. It needs to be overcome and thrown out with the bath water. Sure it will come back but we have got such powerful minds. Our mind is probably the most powerful thing we have and many of us are unable to control it. Think Roger, think my stupid husband Steve and the moment they were at the threshold of making their poor decisions. Their rational intelligent mind was not leading them. They were thinking with God knows what but it was so fucking stupid.
        But if we learn to control our mind and our thoughts we become powerful because we can do anything. We can make the logical choice to wake up to ourselves and realise that we deserve to be at peace and the shit that happened is just that…shit. We deserve to live our life as best we can without letting past hurt rule us. It has no place. We deserve all the love and loyalty we are getting from our partners and we need to let that in because it is what we need in a relationship.
        You say the trust was forced. Can you tear that apart. Has Roger done anything to make you feel distrust in the last five years? Trust needs to be earned and maybe you will never fully trust him but is that such an integral part of your healing process? He would be really really really stupid if he did anything even remotely distrustful and he sounds like he is an intelligent man so even if you do not trust him do you think he would be so dumb again? Can we at least trust their current intelligence?
        I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am just rambling . Forgive me if I offend you in any of the above but I just feel a connection with you.
        Take care xxxxx
        Antra ((hug))

      • Hi Antra. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully :-). I am in absolutely no way offended, quite touched you have spent so much time being so thoughful :-). I have found this so hard to explain to people (if I ever had to.) I can SEE how lost he was, I can EMPATHISE with how hard he has tried to be better, live better, think better, since this all went down, and I feel terribly GUILTY for not being better, he has done most things right. There were two major sticking points, that he is angry at himself for. One, he did not change his phone number for two years, and that meant she still had flurries of contact (he had never shared any emails, and he has no online presence) and two, he fucked her again two years after it was over, when we separated, to try to work out why he threw his life away for her – I totally understand why he did that, but I WOULDN’T have given her the satisfaction! Why did he not loathe her too much to do that? I know men can fuck people they don’t like, but really??? That said, I don’t think I hold either of those things against him, we all make mistakes in recovery (or unrecovery as I frame it now, lol.)

        I have tried every therapy under the sun, I have been constantly mindful, trying to chase away the negative, damaging thoughts, and I’m exhausted. I have trained, and re-trained my mind to deal better. But, I still dream EVERY NIGHT about them either fucking, or her raping me, or him licking her infested genitals (of course there were no symptoms, but the mind is very creative!) I SEE them in our homes, in our car (we haven’t been able to afford to change that yet, soon it will happen) It has been a very visceral journey for me, I smell her, I taste her in the back of my throat at the lake, I am weighed down by her image, the feel of her scaly skin when I touch him. I have had rituals to wash her away, burn her in fires, float her away down a river, incantations to rid myself of her.

        He has been pretty damn good at recovery, he originally used to video message me if he had to go away overnight, I HATED that, it made me feel like he thought I was the whore police, and I refuse to play that role. He has never hidden his phone, or deleted one conversation since. (I am the slightly more techie one, which is a joke, as I am pretty useless, lol, so I know how to look for anything hidden, etc – not that I have gone there ever since about eighteen months into this, I just couldn’t see the point, it did nothing for me whatsoever.

        He is a very intelligent, very kind, very caring man. One of the best. But there is something in me that can’t live without total 100% trust. I know this will mean I will never love fully again, I accept that, it comes with this terrible affliction I have that won’t trust anyone again – hey, like I’m so damn perfect, huh?

        Injustice is at the heart of this, I did everything right. I waited for the man I loved, and a dickhead raped me. I waited again, forgiving the dickhead, moving on. I met an adorable man, and found out he had unfinished business with his ex, so I stepped back when I realised, and he reassured me (after fucking her, of course) that he had screwed up, he needed to get her out of his system, he was ashamed of how he “got revenge” on her so pathetically (and as I told him at the time, some revenge, sounds like a reward – bitch cookies – for her!) I waited, I talked with him, we “communicated” I loved him, I gave him every last part of me, silly girl. Always keep some back for yourself! I am STILL angry that I was repaid this way. And I need to get away, and do something else. It is super hard to peel myself away, but I have worked through a lot of shit to come to this place. I hope I am doing the right thing :-).

  3. I’d always suspected that in spite of all the tears, self loathing and promises that he was having an easier ride than me (excuse the pun). This article really hits the nail on the head, I feel a reblog coming on!

  4. Reblogged this on Silver Linings and commented:
    Thanks Paula for posting this on your blog. I know that many betrayed spouses will totally get the NY times article. It helps to explain what we feel and how others see us – redemption for the betrayer and “get over it” for the betrayed. If only it was that simple, eh? Just like Back to the Future at some point our lives took an alternate timeline, except we didn’t know it had. Getting your head around that is truly baffling.

  5. Same here with the needing him to come and acknowledge what was sent to later discuss. My husband doesn’t do this but waits for me to forget I sent it – he forgets I don’t forget these things. He sees me as wanting him to do anything as controlling him because I should just accept him for who he is and not change him. I am going to try very hard to not prompt him reading this article but it has been 24 hours and I’ve not heard a word from him. I know he hates being reminded of his shortcomings (if you can call it that) but this is me and recovery and healing we’re talking about! I know I have a couple walls so that he can only come at me two ways instead of four/five. I fear I will disconnect sometime down the road. The hurt from what I lost is too much. You have been through so much too!

    • Hang in there, bugs. And keep reiterating it. It can take them a LOOOONG time to fully get the “new rules” (urgh, I HATE that there are any rules, let alone “new” fucking ones!) They HAVE to talk about shit!!!

  6. I wonder if what you are sensing from Roger is his process of finally grieving over the loss of you, too? Meaning, his lack of understanding what you feel and the devastation that both of the betrayers have done to you and your family life. Let’s remember, they are men and no matter how much we want, they won’t feel the way we women do.

    Perhaps Roger finally feels the futility in trying to save your couplehood? And with that realization will build his own walls for self preservation reasons.

    Hugs, Paula. Envisioning a new life instead of limboland is the brave thing to do. Xxoo

    • Oh more than sensing, tempted. We have openly discussed the disconnection process. His started just in the last two or three months. Completely normal. Totally understandable. He is grieving, has been as long as I have but just stepping it up a notch now that he sees me truly disconnected/ing. This is the most gut-wrenching part of the whole sorry, sordid, pain-soaked saga 😦

      • It blows, Paula 😦 I’m so sorry. But, the path must have a meaning of greater self discovery for you (and he). It must! Do you know where you will live?

      • Not yet, it may take a while to sell this farm, and I have NO capital until then. I will possibly rent in a nearby town, to finish the youngest at the school she loves, we’ll see when she gets back from France in January. Later on, it will depend on business opportunities, in some ways it is very freeing, I can go ANYWHERE! 😉

  7. Horses, before you and Roger shut the door on your marriage I recommend you google “mid-life crisis men”. I know a man going through this right now. He has exploded his family, trying to find a new job and just wanted “out”. When I asked him why he said that their family had a series of “body blows” that finally took their toll. He and his wife were just weary of it all. He used the affair to propel himself out of the marriage. He does not blame his wife. He freely admits he is having a mlc. Your husband had one as well. Psychologists don’t really understand them. One thing this man told me was that it hit him one day that he was on an unhappy treadmill at home, at work and in every part of his life. He has never blamed his wife. He thinks all of us buy into the idea that the excitement we feel at the beginning is real so when it doesn’t last we have no idea how to process it all. Your husband made a stupid financial mistake, looked at how bound up you two were in family finances and wanted to run away. There sat a woman willing to give him the escape he needed. He now knows that life is a series of tiny events and if most of them are satisfying we have a good life. People in the crisis forget that and live to regret it. I am guessing that your Roger is in as much pain as you. He has paid a heavy price for trading in a few moments of sexual release for your love. I am so sorry for both of you.

    • Thank you let go. We both know it was mlc. Yes, we’ve read and talked a LOT about that. The financial wasn’t catastrophic, we are still okay. He knew we’d take a hit, it was the best way out of the career he was hating (but not fully communicating that.) Yes. He is paying a heavy price. And I have felt terrible for him. I do love him still. But the misery of the mind movies and my sense of self worth in the toilet (despite knowing it wasn’t about me) is making me make changes as this is not fading at all. I really appreciate your thoughts x.

  8. The article does seem to give us validation for a lot of what we are feeling about the loss of our lives as we knew them. The pain of it all just rips the insides out. I am so sorry you are where you are, but since you made the decision, it seems that the length of time you have stayed in your current situation is further bringing you down. It is very scary to think about starting a “new life” so to speak and letting go of that old life. I cannot imagine it. I think about you all the time. On particularly bad days, I know my husband thinks I will end up with similar feelings to you. They just broke too much for it ever to be fixed. I am not there and truly hope I never get to that place, but you have helped me realize that place exists and it can be handled and managed with grace. You continue to reach out and help people with your words and I, for one, am truly grateful. From your very first comment on my blog, I felt connected to you. There are so many of us betrayed wives, it just sucks that we are scattered all over the world. I think some of us could have a friendship that reached so far beyond our pain and anguish. The foundation of knowing what someone has gone through and truly understanding how they feel, is priceless. Anything after that is easy. I am hopeful for this next leg of your journey. Peace to you. ❤

    • Thank you for all of that, Kat. I really didn’t think this would happen. I was so in love with him and I actually understand how he got to do what he did. I thought I could forgive and survive this. I partially forgive him. But it is kind of unforgiveable to put me and the kids in so much danger, no matter how lost he felt. My six monthly (now thanks to diseases) gynae appointment is due and that never helps my mood. Thanks for allowing me to steal the article link, Kat. I feel the same way as you xxx.

  9. Hey Paula – the article brought me to tears, too. I believe it is the first time I have felt truly understood about why it takes so long to move forward. The story of my life, as I knew it, was destroyed along with everything else in the devastation caused by Daniel’s betrayal.
    Other traumas do not take away our stories, which is the core of who we believe we are. But betrayal, especially the betrayal of a spouse, destroys it all. We not only have to rebuild our relationship, if we choose to, we have to rebuild our entire sense of who we are and how we fit into our world. There are many incongruent pieces which don’t fit and it is often an impossible task. I still struggle with it, although I have put enough pieces together to make a sense of self that I can run with.
    Still think of you and pray for you, my friend. ~DJ

    • Hi DJ. Lovely to hear from you , and that you are doing well. Putting enough pieces together is a HUGE achievement, and I doff my hat to you my friend. I am so glad that so many of “us” – this merry little band of betrayed spouses – make it through, a bit dented and shop-worn, but through nevertheless, I never dreamed I would be one who didn’t make it xxx. I must admit I do feel like the failure of the class – that maybe I didn’t love HARD enough…

      • Oh, you didn’t fail, Paula. Sometimes there are just too many pieces that don’t fit. I have often said that if I went through all that you did, I would still be in the trauma phase. You are an amazing woman, Paula, and have long been my inspiration in getting up again and again.

      • But DJ, you have been through so much – and SIX years! Without wishng to bust any of your jigsaw, Daniel was less helpful in your healing, as far as I could ascertain, than Roger was for me? I think you had the “tougher” path. So yeah, I do feel a giant failure. Yet again. I failed at everything before Roger and the kids. And then I was GOOD at relationships and mothering. Until he fucked that. And somehow that feels like MY failing, and I know I shouldn’t – see how I worded that – HE fucked it. Not me. But if we had a good relationship, and I thought we had one of the best, then of course it feels like my failure when it all falls apart at my feet.

        I apologise for the negative, this is the most agonising part, letting go and accepting the jigsaw is unable to be finished 😦 just excrutiating.

      • To be fair, DJ, I KNOW this of course, but it still feels like it – and Leanne wins – of course it was never a competition, that was all her doing.

        The thing that is helping me most is my geography and anthropology degree, who knew when I originally enrolled in two papers (a moral philosophy one and a geography one – only because it fitted in with my work schedule) that I would end up doing human geography??? I think it was sent at the right time for me, a field that didn’t really exist in the current form when I was a young high school graduate. I just handed in a very difficult piece on emotion, place and identity – anyone here wanna have a crack at that after an affair in all of “your” places, lol?! And I am freaking GOOD at this shit, lol! (She says while wrestling with an Anthropology of Livelihood essay that has gone badly astray – well written (self back pat) but NOT ANSWERING THE FREAKING QUESTION PROPERLY PAULA!)

        Love to you my dear, dear friend xxx

  10. Horses, forgive me for changing in mid stream but I can see why you need to leave your marriage. You seem to be such a giving, caring person. You keep forgiving Roger for things that he has done to you. Think, before you were even married and he had started a serious relationship with you he had to go back for one last fuck with an old girlfriend to get her out of his system. That is not a nice man, horses. He really is not a nice man. He comes across as kind and caring because he learned he could get away with things if he comes across as that. He has cheated on you on four separate occasions. I don’t care how sweet he talks or how sweet he acts, it is his overall behavior towards you that tells me he is a selfish man. While you were out of the country he had sex with another person possibly two. How do you know how many? Then he cheated for 15 months. After you two separated because of the pain he put you and he went and did it again. Just think how many times you have made excuses for him just because he comes across as a sweet man. Ted Bundy came across as a sweet man but here in the United States he killed more than 30 women. They think it might be as many as 100. There is an old saying “are you going to believe me or your lying eyes”. Roger has been unfaithful to you at least 4 times 3 of them with the same woman. I hope that you get out of that marriage ASAP and find yourself some genuine happiness where you don’t have to think about this every minute of every day ever again. After reading your responses to all of us I changed my mind about your marriage. Your job for the entire length of your relationship is to make excuses for him. Just remember….fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I don’t really mean that but for your own sanity stop excusing his awful behavior. You deserve so much more than these years of heartache and STDs.

  11. I apologize for the fool me once remark. Of course he fooled you….you loved him.

    • Let go, all you say has truth. But if you could see the nuances, there is not good and bad, just a spectrum in between. I am a good person, but yeah, I have done/do bad things. Same with Roger. He is not a bad man. He has done some very bad things. I think I win, he did worse things, lol!

      One of the things that is very difficult to convey on a blog is time and context. When Roger fucked Leanne the first time, we had been having a summer fling for literally just a few days – light, no commitment, it wasn’t what I consider cheating – he was immediately honest, and that was after that that we both identified that our summer fling was more – I dropped out of uni a few months after that, and it really had no effect on me, other than me knowing that I was not interested in being a third wheel, and backed away, communicating to him why – I thought he needed to sort his feelings out about her, she is such a manipulative woman, and he was just 23, still working shit out! When he slept with the women he did when I was overseas WE WERE FULLY SEPARATED, it was not a forbidden thing, he could sleep with whomever he wanted, I had NO issues with that, I only ever mentioned it here to illustrate of the differences I have observed about people, some people get over a break up with lots of partying, maybe lots of sex, others do a lot of introspection (insert me into this category) – he was only 28, and having sex with people is pretty normal for a single 28 year old guy. I am good friends with one of the women, and there are absolutely no hard feelings on either side, we have discussed it laughingly, and neither of us is hurt.

      That said, the fool me once comment is the reason I have struggled to stay, and you have no need to apologise! I am a pretty black or white person – you fuck up, you’re out! I can be forgiving, but I work through a lot of shit and take my time to decide if I need that person in my life, and whether it wa a case of a “good person” doing a “bad one-off thing” or an entitled arsehole. Sadly, I knew this about Leanne, but gave her another chance twenty something years later, I guess I was trying to be the “bigger man,” lol. It has happened with two other friends too, so I identify this tendency in myself very clearly.

      I am sure that I need to make changes, I have been sure of this for at least a year, I thought we could get along until our youngest leaves. I have never wanted to stay together for the children, fuck that shit! But financially it works better, and we don’t hate each other, we are pretty cooperative, and rib each other, and pretty much get along fine most of the time. The deep ache I feel is getting stronger as the end of the child rearing years is approaching.

  12. I realize the bloggingworld is skewed. There are many blogs by betrayed spouses and blogs by the other women and occasionally the other men. Still, I know so many men, and women, who have never cheated. If they had problems in their marriages they worked through them. Somehow because of what is on TV, Facebook, Twitter and all of the social media people have begun to give themselves permission to act in terrible, horrible ways that hurt other people. I just heard that of the 7 1/2 billion people on the planet half are under 25. All of them have grown up with technology and the price they will have to pay, and society will have to pay, is still unknown. There have been discussions about the idea of marriage being passé. People who married at 20 and live until 80 have stayed with someone 60 years. There are people who question our ability to do that. Well, I know people who have been married almost that long and they have managed, without cheating, to work through problems. I think there are people who crave excitement and the idea of the mundane life of a married person is just not for them. Perhaps at 20 or 25 or 28 we still don’t know ourselves well enough to know if that is what we can live with that but, once we make the commitment, and especially when we have children, we need to keep in our minds that there are people who can be damaged permanently by our ability to hurt them. You have every right to defend Roger. You two evidently had a very happy marriage for a long time. He is certainly not the first person to cheat while married but he is the only person you are married to and the pain he inflicted on you is unforgivable. I am just so sorry.

    • The other thing, Let go, is, none of us know what has gone on in any marriage, whether it be three years or seventy. Even a spouse of seventy years may not know of an instance of cheating, or some other betrayal (as per the article that started this whole post off) by the other party. Sometimes they do know, and it was worked through and past. I know, and have known, many couples who have made it past fifty years of marriage. I can count on one hand the ones I believe were truly happy. Roger’s grandparents LOATHED each other for more than 65 years, his parents have TOLERATED each other for 55 year so far, my paternal grandparents DISLIKED each other immensely, and I have seen many others, that I am not related to. My own maternal grandparents were very in love after the 40+ years they had before Grandpa died, my own Mum and Dad had 18 great years, then it ended, and then Mum had eleven even more wonderful years with her second husband. I think it is definitely a case of quality over quantity. There are a trillion different versions of marriage – mine being one, as we are not married, lol. If you had talked deeply, and intimately, one-on-one with either Roger or myself at any time before he did actually cheat, we would both say that it wasn’t something we had any interest in doing. He is truly devastated by his stupidity and selfishness. I know it is hard to believe when you are reading here, when I vent about him doing something arsehole-ish! Generally he is a very self aware man, he is usually aware of his actions on others, which is why the affair really was particularly out of character. Previous difficult times between us were always worked through, we communicated brilliantly – up until then! I can see how screwed up his mind was at the time, and I forgive him for that, just not for his method of working it out – and he really is not one who thinks betrayeds should just get over it, he gets it. It’s huge. He was extremely grateful even for the opportunity to try to stay together, he has never thought I am wrong for wanting/needing to leave, he has seen the aching and the devastation, and felt it himself. We both thought we would be that wonderful old couple who still twinkled at each other, sharing a lifetime of love, laughter, but also the pains and sadnesses that go with a life well lived, a means of leaning on each other – as he said yesterday, somehow in his pain, he forgot that I was always there, maybe I would have raged a bit at his apparent confusion, but I would have been there for him after letting off steam, that is who I am, and have always been. Let me have a moment, and I will come back with love and understanding. Always.

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