I am totally stealing a link from one of my favourite betrayed’s blogs today. It has been circulating and fermenting in my brain as I struggle to eek out a (revolting!) essay that has gone totally off-piste! CrazyKat of trynottocryonmyrainbow posted this link to the BEST DAMN ARTICLE on friendship and its demise after someone has suffered such ultimate betrayal. I was very choked up reading it, and most unlike me, I read it again. (Thank you Kat.)
It’s amazing! It says everything I have thought, felt and wanted to punch the whore for – at least in the past couple of years. My losses are real, and a shrink validated what I have observed, and worse, felt down to my very core. Great Betrayals indeed. (Bah, can’t get the link to embed – pasting here: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=all&_r=5&.
The interesting thing for me is this. Roger thinks he wants “us” to survive. He is hanging in there until the very last breath. I have asked him to list the farm for sale this September, so we can get some closure, and split some assets, so I can move away. He is lovely, he is thoughtful, he is understanding (I thought.) I decided to open up to him a little. My walls have been high, water-tight for a long time, since I knew I needed to end this agony of trying to forgive enough to move forward with him, it just wasn’t happening, I was too damaged. But, I read the article to him. He was silent. He stayed silent. Over a day later (and we have both been at home all weekend, without kids) he decided I was angry with him. I wasn’t. I just thought he had the emotional intelligence of a gnat. Probably more sheer disappointment. So he asked me if I was angry at him about something. I said, “no, not angry at all.” He replied with, “it seems like you are.” I looked at him, and said “what would I have to be angry at you about?” His reply? “Is it about the article you read out to me?” (See, he knew!) I said that it didn’t really matter too much, I don’t really share much anymore, so …. whatever. But the truth of it is, he didn’t care. And he knows it. He has made all the right noises about caring, about trying to understand me, and how catastrophic this has been one me, and my struggle to understand why (after all, two people were having sex for a while, meh!)
But I am severely damaged. I have had little recovery, and it FUCKING PISSES ME OFF! I thought I was better than this, stronger than this. I didn’t need validation from a man, or society for anything. But this has ruined my life – and that is no bloody exaggeration, and it PISSES ME OFF. I don’t WANT it to have ruined my life! Leanne (and Roger) robbed me of all of my emotional strength, resilience and my worldview. Not to mention my friendships, and my joy. The injustice is obvious, but why does it still hurt so damn much?
So, I read something that makes me feel understood, by some woman I will never meet, and I ponder my world now. No real people other than my children, two of whom live in different parts of the country, and one who will fly away from me come September. I would have loved for just one of my friends to have understood. But, it is what it is, and I have to learn to live around that pile of shit, thanks ACT.