Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum



The great reveal – of sorts. This is a pic of me sitting in my car on arrival at uni in a pretty dishevelled state, after less than two hours’ sleep the other day. Following on from less than three hours the day before. I have developed beautiful black shadows under my eyes, huh? Smokey eye, in reverse. I liked them so much, I selfied!

IMG_20150511_143155 (1)

Emotional exhaustion is possibly the most draining aspect of the post-affair life for me. I used to be a very youthful looking woman, and whilst I know I am not quite a crone (hmmm, I have posted a selfie, pretty damn vain, really. Even if it is after two pretty sleepless nights and long days of driving to collect people from airports in the wee small hours) I often wonder (even more vanity) what I would have looked like at this age without the agony of the past six years. After all, happiness is the most important ingredient in any beauty regime.

I like to pretend I would have looked so much better, but in reality, meh. Who really gives a shit? Looks had nothing to do with why he kept fucking my “friend” – she is ugly inside and out, and always has been. I kept trying to soften her edges, to give her the benefit of the doubt, to show her kindness, hoping it would help her. What a mug!


27 thoughts on “Ta-dah!

  1. Well I think you’re gorgeous Paula! I am younger than you and I would swap bodies any time. But I know what you mean about no sleep…yawwwwwn

  2. You are BEAUTIFUL Paula for real even without sleep ❀

  3. Lovely, now I will know what you look like when I come visit. πŸ™‚ . Love the red hair and beautiful eyes!!! But we all knew you were beautiful before we saw a picture!

  4. Hello, it is so nice to meet you! I love your red hair.

  5. You look amazing and strong and so very young !!!! Is it that crisp nz air?????? U r awesome!

  6. Oh dear, thank you ladies, this was not supposed to be a fishing exercise, and I was careful with how to word it. I am 47, and I have always been fairly youthful, I put it down to carrying a little extra weight, lol, puffs out the wrinkles a little. Obviously, although the photo shows my dark shadows, but isn’t a terrible snapshot. I see the pain when I look in the mirror, and it annoys me that I even care whether I look good or not. I never used to. I am careful in that I moisturise, sunscreen and wear hats, and I try to dress well. But looks fade, and are really just the packaging of the parcel, and they never bothered me. I have a large nose, and three scars on my face (bitten by the farm dog I jumped on as a toddler when he was asleep, and struck by one of my horses, breaking my nose and opening up my cheekbone, also hit on the bridge of the nose by a hockey ball when I played at university. My face has had thirteen stitches, and had my nose put back close to where it was supposed to be after it ended up sitting on my left cheekbone.) But I know I look okay. What does that matter in the end? This was supposed to be about how this has negatively impacted on my looks and health. So, not such a great picture for that obviously, lol.

    But thanks for the lovely comments. You guys rock xxx

  7. I took two or three selfies, sans makeup, after Dday and over three or four months. The photos frightened me. I looked like a ghost of myself. Dark circles and a lack of life in my eyes. It’s amazing what you reflect back when you feel broken. Days are better now and I don’t scare myself (or others) ha!

    Paula, I love your hair, eyes and shades! Regardless of no sleep, you turn heads xx

    • I avoided cameras like the plague! I have some of the last facial boil I suffered with. Yep. I got boils. Ten of them. Over a period of about four months. The last was on my bottom lip. My god it was huge. And the most painful thing I have experienced. After mine finished, Roger got two. One on his head (he is bald) and….. one on his. ……scrotum! Lol. The schadenfreude! I have one of me at five months, 20 kgs lighter. At a younger friend’s 40th. I look gaunt and a bit defiant/defensive all at once. All anyone who saw it said was that I looked amazing. I didn’t. Just very skinny and sad. Our culture seems to think skinny (I was actually too thin – a first in adulthood for me) is better than beautiful. I did NOT look beautiful. I hate that picture.

  8. Well, I think you look great! I’m sorry for the dark circles. It seems so unfair for us to carry so many physical scars of their bad choices.

    • EG. The looks are external. And mean little. The health problems are far worse – as you well know. And then, next level, the emotional scars…….

      • Yes my friend I do know. I think that is what causes me some bitterness at times. To go from being each others’ one and only to being exposed to VD is almost more than I can stand at times. My GYN doc said HPV is the worst STD you can be exposed to. At least with syphilis or one of the others, there is a drug to treat and cure it. HPV is forever and it can cause cancer. WE will live forever with the spectre of horrible disease hanging over us. It makes me angry just to type that. What enrages me is that she didn’t tell him until most of the way through the affair. THEN she offered up to him some pity story (lies I am sure) that her first husband cheated on her and gave her the HPV. When I heard this, I blew a gasket or two. I said……….So let me get this straight……she wanted you to feel SORRY for her because her two-timing, dirtbag ex-husband cheated and gave her VD. Yet she was asking YOU to do the EXACT SAME THING to ME? Do I have that right? Are you kidding me?

  9. Paula, you are a stunner! Thank you for sharing your photo, that’s a very brave thing to do on a BS blog. Your red hair is super sexy : )
    We all feel completely deflated after D-Day. Like tempted, I too have looked at photos taken after D-Day and I gasp at the difference. The sadness, the darkness, the lack of life, the fake facade. It’s so fucking exhausting, isn’t it? We all wear that pain in our eyes. SWxo

    • Thank you SW. it doesn’t feel brave. Our sad situation was outted almost immediately after Dday and my whole freaking town knew. A source of great gossip. I heard a lot of, wow, Roger was fucking his ex-GF. Paula really must be some cow for that to happen, ‘cos he’s such a cool and great guy. It was why I eventually socially isolated myself. So I am fine with the fact that I am not anonymous here. Why I use real names.

      I’ve been various shades of red since I was about 16? Tried darker and blonde (my natural colour is grey, I mean dirty strawberryish blonde.) My dad grows a red beard and my youngest brother has a two year old auburn-haired Maori daughter. Her mother was very surprised when she came out a ranga! So the red is there.

  10. You are a beautiful woman, Paula, inside and out. It’s nice to put a face to the person we have gotten to know here. With brains, too – what a package. Dark circles don’t show age – just stress. Even teenagers get them.

    Those dark circles, though, concern me. You need to sleep, Paula. Has anything helped in the past?

    • The circles are gone, DJ. I ate well, omega oils and iron. Added vitamin K rich foods like silverbeet and took some skin supplements rich in zinc and magnesium. And got some sleep! But my sleep hasn’t been super these past six years. I was prescribed sleeping pills by the psychiatrist who put me on anti-ds all those years ago. I took them twice. They were AWFUL. I felt sluggish and so disoriented thr next day – quite zombie like. So I threw them away (I was scared of having them in the house back then. …..my state of mind was not healthy.) I’m fine. Just got a hell of a shock when I went to take my sunnies off and saw them that day!

  11. It is nice to put a face to the name. The eyes are apparently the windows to the soul… I think after D Day my windows are firmly shut. My eyes just look so soul less and empty these days. My smile just never seems to reach them 😦

    • Agreed, PW. Roger said, still does, that I lost my sparkle. He’s right.

    • And isn’t it (still) so truly shocking how long-reaching and life-altering (devastating) affairs are, PW? I mean I never thought it would be a walk in the park, but I had NO idea I would be so permanently adversely affected. None. Crazy. Or maybe the crazy is just me?!

  12. I do believe I see some sparkle.

    I really relate to your post. I have become so careful to always look put together. I think it is left over from the early days after Dday where I needed to put on a mask to face the world. I never worried about my looks before. Now I seem to need to in order to feel self confident. Pisses me off quite frankly.

    • Hmmmm. Yes, masking is one aspect. I berated Roger about this. I felt his actions caused my reaction. I turned into the preening teenaged girl I never was! My self esteem was in the shitter. Including how I felt about my looks and my body. And I was angry as hell at him. I was 42 years old and not in the first flush of youth and NOW I was being judged by society. I mean, she must have been nicer, prettier, kinder, more intelligent, skinnier, firmer, BETTER than me. The stupidity of it was that the only thing she had on me was more money due to a better career (due to me being an unpaid staff member for seventeen years at that point.) She is a major downgrade. Oh, she’s slimmer and taller if those are advantages – most people see it that way! But you compete with a ghost. At an age where I certainly knew better. Then I looked around at women of my mother’s generation and saw it. Those with cheating husbands were the terrified, not-a-hair-out-of-place brigade. Awful. I won’t be painted into that corner! I just look after me for me. And my kids. Fitness, health and a tidy outward appearance. Falling into society’s neat little gendered role was not for me, but I can see how it happens.

  13. I beyond love your hair! Bags under your eyes just suggest a damn good night out!

  14. Ahh so that’s Miss Paula πŸ™‚ Thanks for pulling back the curtains a little more and letting us all put a face with your voice.

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