Returned from a whirlwind trip up north. Took my youngest daughter to a school ball as a friend’s “date.” All girls’ state school, and it was a bit of an eye opener for her, she was amazed at how “young” the girls she was with were, 16 and 17 year olds all starry eyed about boys. One thing the state co-ed school she goes to inadvertently teaches kids is how to interact with the opposite sex. She is a fairly mature 16 year old. She has seen some real-life heartbreak (ahem, that would be her totally devastated parents) and had to break up with her first love due to religious differences (we are atheists, he is Muslim) and they were hiding their “relationship” from his parents, until they couldn’t any longer. I tried to gently nudge her about relationships that you have to keep secret. Her ex-BF is a lovely guy, and they weren’t doing anything sexual – and yeah, I believe her – as she respected his religion as an important part of who he is. She was very sad, but quite philosophical, she knew it could never work, and she is off overseas for five months soon.
Anyway, back to the trip. It was a bit rushed, we drove almost 1000kms in one weekend. But we took our exchange student with us to show her around a bit up north. It was a productive trip – we bought some gifts for her (N) to take home, and some for D to take with her to her host family. The weather was mixed, but generally nice, as it usually is up north, winter or not.
With so much driving, we listened to a lot of music. And on the way home, this old one of The Killers came on. This and Pulp’s Underwear just rip me to shreds.
Still.
I have this awful imagination. I see these things happening. I talked to Roger about it this morning. This version, with Jarvis’ commentary beforehand at Reading in ’94, totally describes how I feel about it all. I can’t turn it off. These images, of them undressing, breathing heavily, full of passion and desire. Dripping with hormones and the thrill of the forbidden, the heightened emotions of distance and ……..My heart just can’t cope. And no matter what I do, this is what loops for me. I know that their sex was mostly pretty average, but you know, a fifteen month long distance affair, when they often didn’t see each other for months – O. M. G. It had to be sexy, and passionate sometimes. He nodded, and said, “sadly, yes, a little. Not on this scale, but yeah, there were tender moments, and gentle fumblings as we undressed, I’m so damn sorry that you still can’t turn these awful movies off.” The pain. It is searing. And the most frustrating thing is that even without him, it doesn’t abate. I have tried all kinds of mind contortions. I try to cut and paste me back into those movies, hell, we were erotic, so why not replace those pictures with the better ones, of US. I have tried cutting HIM out of them, and replacing him with someone else, even a faceless someone else. But none of the things I have tried (including hypnotherapy to just shut the damn things completely off) have stuck, and I loop and loop through this shit.
I love music, I can’t not listen to it, and the reason is that it speaks to me. I know exactly what people are singing about, you know, your own interpretation of someone else’s lyrics, maybe not even close to what they’re actually singing about. But every now and again, yep, a real dagger in the heart.
So, a long, busy weekend, and the pain of it all never abates.
I know it never will.
And throughout it all, I still fucking love him. Like an abused wife. I fucking hate it.
The Killers – Mr. Brightside
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me goI just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr BrightsideI’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go
‘Cause I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside
I never
I never
I never
I never
Pulp – Underwear Lyrics
And close the curtains,
’cause you’re not going anywhere.
He’s coming up the stairs,
And in a moment he’ll want to see your underwear.You couldn’t stop it now.
There’s no way to get out.
He’s standing far too near.
How the hell did you get here.
Semi-naked in somebody else’s room.
I’d give my whole life to see it.
Just you,
Stood there,
Only in your underwear.If fashion is your trade,
Then when you’re naked,
I guess you must be unemployed yeah.
’cause once it’s underway,
There’s no escaping,
The fact that you’re a girl and he’s a boy.
You couldn’t stop it now.
There’s no way to get out.
He’s standing far too near.
How the hell did you get here.
Semi-naked in somebody else’s room.
I’d give my whole life to see it.
Just you,
Stood there,
Only in your underwear.
If you close your eyes and just remember,
That this is what you wanted last night.
So why is it so hard for you to touch him.
For you to go and give yourself to him?
I couldn’t stop it now.
There’s no way to get out.
He’s standing far too near.
How the hell did you get here,
Semi-naked in somebody else’s room.
I’d give my whole life to see it.
Just you,
Stood there,
Only in your underwear.
Do, do do do do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do.
Do, do.
Oh yeah,
I want to see you.
Want to see you only in your underwear