Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum



Darling Kat just nominated me for a Liebster Award. Whilst I don’t generally play this game too well (I won’t nominate and pay it forward, sorry) I am in the birthing stages of a particularly painful essay, and any excuse to procrastinate will suffice!

So, here goes. my answers to her questions:

What is the last best meal you ate?

Geez, hop right into the hard stuff, Kat! Ummmmm. I love good food. Ummmm. Well, the last good meal would be the beef cheeks on roasted garlicky mash with steamed Asian greens I did two nights ago. Most memorable restaurant meal of recent times? Well, it was a dessert. Of course. I can’t remember the details, think it was a white chocolate and passionfruit kind of mousse, wrapped in a white chocolate lattice and served with a berry coulis (raspberry, I think.) But it was far more than it sounds – I think it had some herby and citrusy elements that lifted it above a standard dessert. I rarely eat out, and it was some time ago.

Where is your favorite place to relax, and what is your favorite relaxation activity?

Relaxation? WTF is that?

I used to love our lake house, and to read a damn good book and drink a damn good pinot noir. Or go to the races and watch our horses running, and study pedigrees and plan matings for the broodmares (listen to me, I sound all wealthy and shit – we had two, when we were dairy farming and had a good income!) Until whore got smeared on all of that, lol. Now, I guess I love to walk. To rid the body from the tension I now feel constantly and to appreciate the superb environment we have at our back doorstep. Planning on doing some more of the South Island tracks in the next few years.

What is your favorite all time love story (can be a novel, a movie, a real life story, whatever) and why?

I don’t think I have one. I used to think it was my own, but see that maybe I built it up too much, and it can’t have been what I thought it was.

If I was to go all commercial and sappy, probably the predictable old Love Actually. I also liked the “Before” trilogy with Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke (Sunrise, Sunset, Midnight) and the crazy way that love changes and challenges.

List all the places in the world you have lived and which you enjoyed the most, and why.

Only New Zealand – both North and South Islands (I went to university in the far south first, and my son is there now) and the UK. I was only in the UK for a short while (less than a year) and lived in the Cotswolds, which was lovely. My family are scattered around the world. My Mum was from Perth, Western Australia, and we visited as often as we could as kids as we were the only grandchildren for a long time. My sister has been there for thirty-six years now. My brother lives in London and my youngest brother in Queenstown, after more than a decade of living in France and travelling. I think I love where I live. But could shift anywhere that makes me happy(er). I have lived briefly in cities, but my heart is rural, and I love to visit urban spaces to get my fix of architecture and the arts, then slink home to my rural haven.

What are your three greatest joys?

I no longer know. It used to be my love. My darling Rog and me against the world (and the SEX!!!!!) Followed by my kids (whoops, as a mother, I think the PC answer was my three darling children?) and I guess just joie de vivre! I LOVED life.

I guess now I am enjoying doing well in my studies, but joy is something I haven’t felt even once in the six years since his affair was outted to me. Pretty pathetic, but true. God, I miss joy. So damn much!

What is the most interesting place you have ever visited?

Weirdly, I enjoyed a holiday in Brisbane a few years ago (lol, during his affair, unbeknownst to me, we had a ball!) The galleries had superb shows and it was June and warm and we don’t get away often. We found pottering about in the young designers market, etc most enjoyable. Not very adventurous, but it was a lovely time. I haven’t ever had the funds or the freedom to be a very intrepid traveller, something I hope the future holds for me.

The most interesting? Hmmmmm. That is a tough call? My memory must be going because I can’t conjure anything up right now! I always enjoy learning about new cultures and being surprised by what is the “quite ordinary” to someone else.

What are your three greatest fears?

That I will never get over his affair, and never enjoy mindblowing sex and multiple orgasms ever again.

That my children will have their future happiness adversely affected by this crap – I didn’t think I was very affected by my own parents, but I was. It has been a factor in my non-recovery. I see very clear links to my unhappiness now and my parents divorce that were never there before. I am scared my kids will continue the cycle.

I found out I am mildly fearful of heights, by several means. Bungey jumping seemed like a pretty normal thing to do. Until I was there! And horse trekking in the Central Otago mountains taught me that watching my kids on their reliable standardbred mounts as I followed behind on a perky little quarterhorse for hours and hours, on a narrow path in front of me, about to plummet to their deaths if their horses shied was pretty terrifying! I never knew until a few years ago! I really have to push myself in those situations now.

Name something about yourself that most people don’t know.

Well, all my blogging friends know how severely affected I have been by infidelity, but my IRL friends and acquaintances would have no idea how deeply this has cored me. Otherwise, I have an exceptionally long tongue, and so do my daughters, we can all touch our noses easily and more than just the tips! Nostril cleansing would be a breeze. Skills! I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 22 and told I would never have children naturally, and that my chances of conceiving via IVF were slim. I do not, and have only six times in my 47 years, menstruated. (Ew, Paula, really, who wants to know that crap????) All three of ours were conceived naturally – two “by mistake!” And I’ve been cheap to keep, and unaffected by monthly hormones as a result, lol.

What last made you laugh out loud?

My new puppy, Maple. She is MAD!

What is the one thing you would purchase right now if money was no object?

I seriously cannot think! Um, a new car to replace the crapped out old Nissan X-Trail that is now about twelve years old. Something sleek and European. But I don’t really care that much about “stuff.” Maybe a ticket for a twelve month journey to some of those aforementioned intrepid spaces…..

Oh Lord! I thought that was going to be uplifting, but all I can see (yet again) is that I have shrunk my world in these past six years in the agony I have struggled against on a daily basis. I used to be fun! I used to be far more interesting! I struggle daily to get some of that back now. It is really a daily fight for survival, the growth still feels a LOONG way off, but it is something I continue to strive for.

Thanks for reading my crap. What a party pooper ;-)!


2 thoughts on “Q&A

  1. Thanks, Paula, for playing along. I want to see a picture of the puppy! She’s the happiest thing about this whole post, ha. Just kidding. Also, the tongue thing is very interesting, I do not have such amazing skills. Glad the Q&A provided a little distraction from your studies.

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