Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Where is my mind?

14 Comments

A damn good question, Black Francis!

I am both coping better and more questioning than I have been for a long time with this shit. I am asking myself a lot of questions about my mind, and how I can get better control of it.. A way of controlling my own thoughts in order to gain a better future for myself. I spent a LOOOOONG time trying to get a grip on this stuff in counselling for years, until I just got so damn sick of carrying the load.

Maybe I am ready to start asking some more questions of my psyche.

“Where is My Mind”

Oh – stop

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there’s nothing in it
And you’ll ask yourself

Where is my mind? [3x]

Way out in the water
See it swimmin’

I was swimmin’ in the Caribbean
Animals were hiding behind the rocks
Except the little fish
But they told me, he swears
Tryin’ to talk to me, to me, to me.

Where is my mind? [3x]

Way out in the water
See it swimmin’

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there’s nothing in it
And you’ll ask yourself

Where is my mind? [3x]

Way out in the water
See it swimmin’

Oh
With your feet on the air and your head on the ground
Oh
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Oh
Oh

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14 thoughts on “Where is my mind?

  1. Paula, Is it just me or does it seem like we two are having the hardest time in dealing with this affair crap? It will be 3 years in Sept., & I just now have accepted that it happened & there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, unfortunately with that acceptance comes the cold hard fact that this is now my new forever & that’s even harder to accept! Time has softened my rage to an extent, but not the pain in my heart. A big hug from Joan, we will never meet but you are truly a friend, your words have been a source of comfort, sadness at times & even a laugh, thanks for listening.

    • Thanks Joan. I guess we are all on a spectrum. Some of us are less affected and manage to surge forward with great resilience. Others are more permanently damaged and struggle through, but get to a much better place with hard, hard work. I accept that I am of the category even further along that spectrum whereby I am very, very affected by the actions of others. I think there is a psychological term like Highly Sensitive People or something. At first I was furious! I am low maintenance! Indignant that I am apparently “highly sensitive!” But I can see this. I get hurt far too easily. My tough exterior hid this until this hurt. This has wiped me out. I hope that year four brings even more acceptance and even more skills and resilience to find another way of feeling good about yourself. Xxx

  2. Your mind is probably experiencing overload at the moment, and quieting it is a hard trick that I haven’t mastered. Distraction is helpful for me.
    Hugs from Florida ❤️

    • Thanks Caroline. I agree that distraction is an important tool, but I found it doesn’t really work for me, not permanently, or for very long. So when I found ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – it made sense, to learn to incorporate the shit into your story, but pack “good” experiences and thoughts around the shit ones. As I knew I couldn’t get rid of them, and had to find a way to weave it all into my story without it ruining the fabric of who I am.

      Your NYC trip looked AmAzInG!!! That food. That art. Jealous, much?!

      • I think that’s a really healthy attitude, and really brave to face it head on like that. Sometimes I had to distract myself because it was just too much for me to deal with.
        I did have the most awesome time in NY. I will be blogging about it soon :), so glad you liked my pictures!

  3. I’m sure I’ve told you this before, but what an excellent counsellor you would make! I love that even though you are fighting against the tsunami of pain you never once sound bitter or hateful. You’ve even tried to see things from Roger’s perspective, something most of us Betrayeds could never do because we are too afraid to know the truth about why they cheated, what if it WAS because I got fat?? Etc etc…
    I’ve never heard of ACT, have you written any blog entries about it or how it helps you? I would be fascinated to hear your opinion on the topic.
    I’m so sorry that you and Roger couldn’t save your relationship, especially when you have left no stone unturned in your quest for healing. You often defend him as a good man who did a bad thing, I truly hope he knows that he hit the jackpot with you, you are honestly a once in a lifetime kind of woman. Your blog has helped me and so many others in ways I could never fully describe or thank you for. I genuinely wish you all the best for your future, and I hope you will continue to blog and let us come with you on your new adventures, this is gonna be YOUR time xxx

    • Yeah. I have bitterness. But I try not to become consumed with it. Can’t change a damn thing!

      I did consider psychology when I first re-enrolled at uni. But decided I have had my fill of trying to untangle the skein of my owm fuckedupness, the thought of doing it for others for a living….. .

      I do know what happened to Rog. But I always thought he was stronger, better, more rational, loved me enough, was an effective communicator. Unfortunately, we have both discovered that while I live with my heart on my sleeve, that’s unusual. Most people keep some cards hidden. Who knew? I knew that happened with some people, but Rog had shown no sign of secretiveness or being out of touch with his emotions prior to this. Other lies have been uncovered in this process. His gendered view of protecting me from the “bad stuff” seems to have made some lying justifiable. It’s not who he is today. But I need an intact past for some weird reason. I think it is probably to do with healing childhood wounds if you wanna go all psych on it :-). Google ACT. I read some of Dr Russ Harris’ work on this – but he didn’t “invent” it, merely helped unpack it in a way that made some sense to me. The vast premise of it is mindfulness. And accepting you can’t change the bad shit. I don’t think it worked miracles for me, but it doesn’t really promise that. It just provides a small amount of light that you can find a way to cope. The second psychologist I saw put me onto it. He had experienced some kind of life altering trauma just a year or two before I saw him. It had made him question his training, and why using CBT he was feeling no better. He specialises in youth violent criminal behaviour, and seems quite a tough cookie. But this event really knocked him. It just made sense to me. Not much else really spoke to me. I felt everyone was trying to get me to re-frame what Roger did to me as “not that bad” -which would be awesome, but I wasn’t buying what they were selling! If it wasn’t so bad, why was I in so much pain? This says, “yep. That’s appalling. How can we improve what’s left? We can’t change tgat. We can’t deny it happened. We can’t change how it makes us feel.” At least, that’s my interpretation 🙂

  4. Sorry. Phone screen. Tapping out hurriedly at work. Whoops! Typos. Hope you get the gist, KJ xx

  5. Only found your blog today and read it start to current. Don’t stop writing. You have had some real change over the past year… You are actually coming out and saying not just that you’re sad but you’re mind fucked. And angry because of it. I’m glad you seem to be moving towards a real break from him. Because you can’t heal when THIS his feelings your sadness at hurting him with your very logical hurt… More fucked up than trainspotting

    • Welcome Alex. Interesting perspective. The thing is, I guess I knew I would never “get over” this. And for the last two or three years I’ve been trying to find the best way to let go. I still love him. He still loves me. And I now know that love is nowhere near enough. It’s excruciating.

  6. I found you off CL site. I have to say I understand your “I will be damaged forever” sentiment. But right now you’re wandering around with a knife in your leg. “Gee it just won’t scab”. Until roger is gone… You won’t know what your leg will be like without the knife. Love isn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to keep him away from her, it wasn’t enough to heal you. You have to rebuild and love yourself a bit before you can see anything beyond this awfulness. I can’t wait to see what you become because so far you are incredible.

    • I guess my stand on CL is that it is an important and motivating site for those with serial and unrepentant cheaters. The toughest part of my story is that we really did have it fantastic. Then he got mentally unwell. Then he got better again. He ended the acting out part of his madness before I ever had a clue. I believe I have a genuine unicorn. But what the fuck do you do with a unicorn when you own one??? I have lived with his genuine remorse, no repeats of shit behaviour, willing therapy attender, gutted at my poor sexual health since his fucking a pus-ball, completely transparent in everything self for over six years since the shit. I’m not “healed” in the sense that I can live with any part of what he did. I have had eight months of physical separation in that time. I was definitely not getting better then, either. I don’t feel my problem is his physical presence. I enjoy his company. But I am unable to enjoy our once explosively amazing sex life. So I will go on alone. I feel no better on my own. Not one bit. I understand your knife analogy, but in this case it isn’t his physical presence that keeps it there.

  7. I have to say you are a strong woman. And you give roger a very strong shoulder. You’re super fair. I just wish you well, however that comes. I hope Stella gets her groove back somehow. I hope in some thing, somewhere, you find your joy. (And your ‘O’)

  8. Very sweet, thanks Alex. So do I! But I accept I may never. Shitty, but true.

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