Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Sometimes I sit and think, sometimes I just sit – yeah right!

8 Comments

I have posted a few music vids. This time I have stayed in this century. No real obvious infidelity links in this one except my own links with my own life, “if you can’t see me, I can’t see you….”

But other than that, this does speak to me. To my social conscience. To my politics. To my frustration with modern life.

Not to mention the mention of culling cars instead of sharks. Who knew that friends would be more dangerous to me than strangers? We are taught about stranger danger from a young age, but the people that have hurt me most in my life have been supposedly innocuous – beneficial even, aren’t we seen as successful social beings if we have these in our lives – friends, acquaintances and lovers. My rapist. My cheater. My betraying friend. Sharks indeed, the cars we use every day are far more dangerous.

Just like people we know and are in contact with constantly.

I wish I could just sit. That is my dream. To just sit. No thinking.

Jen insists that we buy organic vegetables

And I must admit that I was a little skeptical at first

A little pesticide can’t hurt

Never having too much money,

I get the cheap stuff at the supermarket

But they’re all pumped up with the shit

A friend told me that they stick nicotine in the apples

If you can’t see me,I can’t see you

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

Heading down the Highway Hume

Somewhere at the end of June

Taxidermied kangaroos are lifted on the shoulders

A possum Jackson Polluck is painted on the tar

Sometimes I think a single sneeze could be the end of us

My hay-fever is turning up, just swerved into a passing truck

Big business overtaking

Without indicating

He passes on the right, been driving through the night

To bring us the best price

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

More people die on the road than they do in the ocean

Maybe we should mull over culling cars instead of sharks

Or just lock them up in parks where we can go and view them

There’s a bypass over Holbrook now

Paid for with burgers no doubt I’ve lost count of all the cows

There’ll be no salad sandwiches

The law of averages says we’ll stop in the next town

Where petrol price is down… What do I know anyhow?

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

If you can’t see me, I can’t see you

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8 thoughts on “Sometimes I sit and think, sometimes I just sit – yeah right!

  1. I wish I could lie and not think. I hate going to bed and my brain keeps going a mile a minute 😦

  2. I just came across your blog and you struck me as such an amazing person who just happened to be hit by a freight train. I wanted to drop you a note and say I really wish you well and I want stars and rainbows for you every day. I don’t understand cheaters and their narcissism and the collateral damage they do to those they claim to love. I hope I never have to. I just want you to get better and know that there are people who are wishing that for you who you will never know.

    • Thank you, Ins12345. I often just think I am missing some coping chip – the faulty model off the production line! I know I am not, I am just me, and me is a little too sensitive sometimes! But that’s who I am, and that’s okay.

      And the “kindness of strangers” is an incredible thing that can lift you up just when you need it most. Thank you, and thank you once again x.

  3. You don’t need a coping chip. We are not cookie cutter robots. We react in very many different ways. You are coping in a way that is integral to who you are. Please don’t doubt yourself. I think you have made v. brave and admirable choices. I would have done exactly the same in your place. I also think that if you are honest, loving and true you have a right to expect that from those around you. I think you have been v. let down by those who you expected better from and they are missing the decency chip! You should be proud of your many achievements and I applaud you for realizing that Roger is best left behind. It was a difficult road but you strike me as v. brave and honest. Life will surprise you. I always find that its people, like you, who, in the end, strike gold. You certainly deserve too! Lots of love and best wishes for a happy, well loved, future.

    • Very sweet. Thanks. I miss him (the guy I loved beyond measure and the sweet and disgusted guy afterwards) madly. I do doubt. But only because he is not a total arsehole. He is a very sweet, kind man who fucked up royally and we will both regret that for the rest of our lives. But yeah. Onwards. Heavy baggage though!

  4. Its only heavy if you choose to carry it. My advise for what its worth – don’t look back…move forwards. Roger is a closed chapter – never to be revisited. Open yourself up to new adventures and new people – life is a gift – enjoy it.

    • But that’s the thing, ins12345. For years I beat myself up for not being able to do that. Berated myself, stressed, wondered what the hell as WRONG with me. Why was I FAILING at recovery? I was already “not enough” – according to how I was treated (not what I really knew inside of me) – and I was now feeling “not enough” – or rather not GOOD enough, because I wasn’t healing neatly, like I was SUPPOSED to be, like I was working so hard to try to do. And Roger was doing everything so well!

      I think I used the wrong analogy in the baggage. This is not baggage, it is something that becomes you, a part of your being, a part of you you can’t put down. For years I felt I was “failing” as I wasn’t “choosing happiness” and I wasn’t “putting down the baggage” – and I felt worse, and worse. And then about a year, maybe two, ago I changed tack. I can’t put this down. It has become permanent, and until you live this, you think it is all a choice. I had already had a shitload of counselling, I was mindful every day. I was constantly trying to fake it until I made it. But it was all dressing. It kind of now gets my hackles up when I read the platitudes – exceptionally well-meaning words of advice about choosing to be happy, choosing to walk away from drama, choosing, ….. The thing is, I can’t. And I now accept that this is how I am made up. This life experience, like all the other ones I have had, and all the other ones I will have in the future, are with me. I live a totally different type of life than the one I had with Roger. Previously, we were tight-knit, I had a close group of female friends, I served on many community committees and boards, I worked with my hands and body. Now, I leave the small for the city daily, I think. I work through complex concepts, trying to knit together some of my own theories through joining some dots, unpicking some others. I am no longer a really hands-on farmer and mum. I am a thinker, isolated to a degree from the people I used to be so comfortable around. And that is okay. It is who I am now.

      You never get to walk away without any backwards glance. And you certainly never get to do that if you have created a family together. He is always in my rear-view mirror, and he will always pop into the periphery of my present, and my future. And that’s okay too 🙂

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