Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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Comments. And other stupid things.

Hmm, just doing the usual procrastination from writing essays. And lo and behold, where do I end up, but on good old Facebook. Yep. How original.

As I was browsing, doing the odd bit of stalking friends of friends (come on, you know you do it) I came across this gem. A comment on a well written post about a woman about to marry someone who has a known mental health condition, which he is receiving treatment for. It was a lovely post.

A person then commented this, “one thing I can’t understand is people leaving their marriages after 20 years or more. ..another beautiful piece of writing.”

Ooooohkay. Wait. What?

Where has this (by the looks of her profile picture) middle aged woman been hiding from the world? I mean, seriously? I had grandparents, who were married close to forty years by the time I was born, who HATED each other! They should have divorced, but I guess back in the day – hell, sometimes today too – it was not particularly acceptable, and women especially were very economically disadvantaged by divorce. But even today, we see miserable older couples everywhere. And we see those who call, “ENOUGH. I’m outta here!” Add in a bit of casual cheating (or not-so-casual) and yeah, fuck yeah, I am not putting up with any more of that shit. We know how hard it is to get through the pain and frustration of infidelity. To name just one possible cause of “leaving your marriage after 20 years or more.” ¬†Sheesh!

And then there’s this. Those idiots who think they are still young and beautiful (if they in fact ever were!) or alternatively, old and rich enough to ‘buy’ someone who still is.

That is what is gross.

So is stupid.

Stupid is gross.

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Clashing

Okay.

I thought this shit, at least was over.

But no, apparently not.

A few days ago, Roger begged me to reconsider, to try to give it one last shot (okay, there’s been….oh at least ten of these, but not for several years……)

His rationale? D is overseas until February. His argument is that we should try to work hard again on re-connecting. Hmmm. This is hard, it shouldn’t be, I know I have made a decision, that my life will not ever feel okay again with him. But I also know that he is a good guy who fell off the wagon for a bit, and with several mitigating reasons, mostly his lack of coping mechanisms. Yeah. I get all of that. But the problem has always been that I haven’t recovered. And the longer this goes on, the longer I watch other journeys after infidelity, the more I am convinced that it is a rare bird indeed that gets a better life, a richer marriage, a more fulfilling life after forgiving and staying together. Sorry, it is a pattern I have been observing a lot lately, the three, four, five year veterans of this sad time in our lives. So, I said, yes, I would try again. He was like a little boy at Christmas. He is realistic. He knows there is no magic pill. There is no magic in the bedroom, I am still a frigid bitch ;-).

I struggle with this. I have made my mind up that I will never heal enough to be as good as we once were, and trying to turn that around is pretty damn tough. We have talked a lot about this. He is very concerned that he put me in this predicament, and now he is standing on my throat, keeping me near to drowning – or asphyxiation – alternating the two, allowing a little air from time to time. That his needs are cruel. He worries that his desire to stay together is damaging to me. I think there is some truth to his theory.

However, I am trying to be open to this idea. It makes a little sense. We get on like a house on fire, we share a sense of humour, a dark ability to laugh at ourselves, and we don’t want to be with anyone else. We share assets, he has been both financially, and (mostly) emotionally supportive of me finishing my degree. I like him. He likes me. Unfortunately, I am not really attracted to anyone anymore, but apparently I am a complete siren, unable to be resisted. Who knew?

So, round 1 000 000? Here we go again.

The Clash: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Darling, you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I’ll be there till the end of time
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?It’s always tease, tease, tease
You’re happy when I’m on my knees
One day is fine and the next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well, come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?[Chorus:]
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know

This indecision’s bugging me
(Esta indecision me molesta)
If you don’t want me set me free
(Si no quieres librame)
Exactly who I’m supposed to be
(Digame que tengo ser)
Don’t you know which clothes even fits me?
(Sabes que ropa me queda)
Come on and let me know
(Me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow?
(Me debo ir o quedarme)

[Chorus: Repeat]

Songwriters: MICK JONES, JOE STRUMMER
Should I Stay Or Should I Go lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group