Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum



Following on with more song lyrics (I totally LOVE the lyrics to the previous post – every word of that song speaks so personally to me – I have had this gigantic mountain to climb since 16 May 2009) I follow a similar vein, but in a different manner with this gem:

One of my recent favourites from a great little Kiwi band. I just love the lyrics to this, they speak to me. Our national character is somewhat self deprecating. We love a laugh, and if it is at ourselves, all the better! It’s not that we don’t believe in ourselves, or that life is great, but this is gold. (Not to mention the featuring of one of my faves, Bret McKenzie, of the Flight of the Conchords fame…)


We’ve been stuck together

In awkward situations

Sitting in the back of a van

Talking smack then taking back 

Then wonder if you can

Get up and walk out

On this catastrophic career

For a moment, woo-oo-woo-oo

You’ve been painting pictures

I’ve been writing jingles

Bloggin’, makin’ movies and worse

Conceptualising for a laugh

Then selling it’s a curse

Now we’re over, are we even part of the scene?


Give up your dreams

Can anyone help me, it’s starting to fall apart at the seams

Give up your dreams

Can anyone help us, someone must be pulling some strings

I’m a loser and I’m losing my belief

Pick a path but never follow it forever

Lest you get struck in a rut

Your liberal education won’t mean much

When you’re drowning in the muck

Go grab a pitchfork and stab it in the heart

Are you dreamin’? woo-oo-oo-oo

I’ve been giving up on all my aspirations

Thinkin’ ’bout getting a job

How does one transition to a mortal from a god?

Ain’t gonna make it

So let’s give up and move on


Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re special

Don’t let anyone tell you that all your dreams will come true

Don’t let anyone say that the world is your oyster

The world is not an oyster

The world is a cold, dark planet

Floating through infinite space

On a ceaseless journey to its own destruction

And all we can do about it is be alright about things

And get on with stuff

You’re not a loser

You’re a human

And I love you

I love you




And advice I have had to swallow. I have no choice. I cannot get the relationship I wanted. The one I had. The one I worked for. The one I sacrificed for. The one I felt I had. I have given up my dreams as far as this goes.

But in the case of the Phoenix Foundation, the rock star dream is a fabulous segue into something many of us have to come to terms with. In society today we are constantly told we can be anything, dream it, believe it, work hard and focus and it will be yours. Bollocks. We’ve been sold a lemon with the power of positive thought mantra. And I was kind of thrilled to see a good critique of this discourse in a popular print magazine while waiting for my son’s car to be safety inspected the other day. I can’t find a link to the article itself, but I do have the editorial discussing it here: http://www.m2woman.co.nz/inside-m2woman-septemberoctober-2015/

I get quite frustrated by the whole, get over it, think yourself out of this funk bullshit. I have worked my arse off to recover from this betrayal, I have not got over it, nor healed, nor managed to achieve happiness by choosing happiness – and believe me, I have tried. SO HARD! So reading, hearing and being told this just makes me feel like I am somehow lacking. I am not lacking, I am a loving, caring, empathetic woman who gave everything I had to a man who didn’t appreciate it enough to protect my heart from hurt.


15 thoughts on “GUYD!

  1. Here, here Horses! Well said, brilliantly stated. I feel the same about the positive thinking panacea that’s dished out for everything that’s actually unacceptable. Learning to accept- which is what we are doing is not the same.

  2. PS What subject is your degree?

    • I have done a double major in Geography and Anthropology, MR. Doing my Masters in Geography, though.

      • Great stuff! Any plans to use it research wise and job wise?

      • Not when I first enrolled! But I will be for the next two years as I do a Masters. Then I will look for something in the field. Might be odd finding policy jobs with a degree in geographies of grief! But there’s loads of charities and trusts as well as other NGOs and local govt jobs that relate. I’m not counting out academia also… we’ll just see where it leads, MR 🙂

  3. You already know it. You really have it not just your best shot- you gave it all the shots. No beating yourself up. No trying hard because your neighbour (or whatever- anyone out there) thinks they know your shoes and where they have been. You do what you need to do.

  4. We do what we can do. And for those who say you should choose differently? I hope your unicorn can shit rainbows AND marshmallows. You frickin Rock p p p Paula!

  5. I relate very much to what you wrote. I’m doubting wether my story has a Diseny princess ending. I keep hope in my head, because that’s the only thing I can do in order that taking the next step seams bare able. I am one of those positive thinking people because I just can’t accept that this is the way it ends for me. I’m a good person, I was a good wife, and I deserve better than this. So I believe. It’s how I cope. I want a unicorn lol and it WILL shit rainbows even if I have to roll it in rainbow sprinkles myself LOL. I just can’t give up. It’s how I am. If I do, that means I have to accept that this is all there is… I can’t do that 😦

    • It’s funny, caroline, I never wanted a Disney princess ending. I just believed in what we had. This isn’t a narcissist, or anyone seriously disordered. He just got lost for a while. And I can’t deal with it in my past. And I have no choice but to deal with the fact that I was so kind to this person that I thought was a friend, my hospitality was amazing (here, eat my gourmet food, drink my delicious wine, sleep on my high thread count linen, fuck my darling boy……) and I (still) feel like my world has imploded and I am flailing around trying to make some kind of sense and purpose of my life. And I get so furious that I have to be doing this, through no fault of my own. But more furious at myself for letting it affect me so deeply. Urgh. I need a holiday so badly, but back to work today. The real world has never paused for me to find my feet properly. The whole get back to work straight away thing is bringing me down.

      • I am the same. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I’m not, and I just can’t believe that this is my life. I have lost so much. I try so hard not to look back, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I need to believe that the future holds something good for me.

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