Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Contagion

33 Comments

Hmmmm.

I have had a bit of a setback. Nothing terrible, but a reminder of how unhealed I am on so many levels. And how I try bloody hard not to be too disappointed about my “lack”.

An old friend of mine, who lived overseas for about two decades, has moved home with her family recently. Β I attended her (second, first too, many decades ago) wedding – to her partner of seventeen years and father of her only child – a couple of years ago. She has been at me and another old school friend to come up and have a girls’ weekend for several months. The other friend hasn’t been able to free up time in her schedule, so Fran asked me to come up anyway. We organised this about a month ago.

This friend used to flat with Leanne. She and her first husband shared a house with her, prior to their marriage. Fran was the whistle-blower to Roger about Leanne’s cheating all those years ago. Leanne was her “friend”, but she was strong enough to tell Roger about her slutty behaviour anyway. I always admired her for that strength as a young woman.

I have struggled in social situations this past few years. After a lifetime of loving social situations – albeit not necessarily a total natural (I don’t have a quick wit, always think of the perfect retort/comment/witty repartee when tucked up in bed later) – I now dread them. But I am making an effort to try to reverse this. So, I had got myself a bit “up” about the prospect of a weekend in our largest city. I planned a visit to my favourite fragrance and designer boutiques. I even fluked it, and our racehorse is entered for a start at one of the racecourses on the Saturday. In anticipation of what we are planning, I messaged Fran on Monday to ask her when she is expecting me. I have realised I do not have her mobile number, we have always communicated via Facebook Messenger. It is now Thursday night, and I can see she saw my query on Tuesday, and still has not replied. I was trying to work out whether I should take a packed bag to work tomorrow so I can get up there on Friday night. Now I don’t even know if it is still happening.

And I feel disappointed. Contagious. Ruined. Toxic. Not-to-be-touched.

I know this is utterly ridiculous, and that I am overreacting and being over-sensitive. But the reality is, I feel utterly drained and miserable. About someone else’s “neglect” – which is most likely just an oversight. I hate how pathetic it makes me feel. And the way I am so easily deflated by outside influences. It makes me feel like I am not in control, and such a … CHILD!

Sometimes (rather too often) I hate being me!

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33 thoughts on “Contagion

  1. Sorry for you feeling this way. Hugs. I’m sure all will be sorted and you will have a lovely time!

    • Thanks tempted. Just needed to dump the pain somewhere 😦

      • I have a huge bag of pistachios that I can send with a case of Pinot Noir. :)xx

      • Oh! I can feel a migraine coming on. #worthit 😲

      • That is how it goes, unfortunately, betrayal sucks as even if we deny it and don’t want to go there, we are affected by reminders “triggers’. What might help you is that all who went through similar pain, have similar reactions to triggers. It takes a long time, recognizes it, and labeling it “PAST”.
        Knowing so much more I have learnt (through pain”, not to judge others when they tend to respond “odd” to invitations etc. I now think “there might be a reason”. For you to feel vulnerable to perceived rejection is normal, but hurtful. Throw it out and listen to old Bob Marley.
        Take care,

  2. I so relate to coming up with the perfect retort later when curled up in bed. Ha. I hate that social media gives us the information that something has been read. It makes our minds go places they shouldn’t. I hope she has just been busy and will get back to you soon. Don’t belief your thoughts, you are a strong, brave, desirable woman. Hugs. Jules

  3. A million reasons why Fran has not responded. Of those reasons, her choosing to not respond is not because she wants or intends to snub you. Especially given your history together and her wanting a get together. So, likely to be faulty thinking on your behalf – but you understand why. We all understand why! The worm of doubt will never leave we just have to recognise it and IGNORE it. Bet you have a lovely time xxxxx I’m afraid that being betrayed leaves us so raw with all human connection.

    • Thanks MR. I guess I just keep hoping the rawness scars over a bit by now. I’ll be okay. Just needed to write it out, release the toxins. I think it worked a bit. Feel a bit better after a reasonable night’s sleep.

  4. You don’t need a flaky mate when you feel like this, you need a fantastic hotel with a high thread count πŸ˜‰ 😘

  5. I know you want to be able to reconnect with old friends without feeling like the outcast for what has transpired in your life. Your life as you knew it has been tossed around and you feel beat up. You deserve that, but you have to take it, people won’t necessarily just give it to you. They don’t really know, and they don’t really understand. We change over time and we are all just so very busy. Some people need things to happen more than others. It will happen for you. You will have that reconnection. It might not happen exactly the way you wish it would, but it will happen. People love you, Paula. We all have limitations, but others limitations are not a reflection of you. It’s not necessarily bad, it just is. I hope you packed that bag. If it doesn’t work out with Fran this time, you will still have perfume and designer clothes and great food and the specialness of it being different than every day. We are all there in spirit, with you Paula, because you are fabulous!!!

  6. See what kat wrote ???? Ditto from me but i cant articulate so beautifully so i borrow what she said. I love the bob marley quote and it is all too true. We need to be vulnerable yet it is not where we feel safe. Ever. I hope neigh neigh does well, put on a fab dress and get bubbles and cheer him on. Thinking of you xxxxx

  7. It’s was most likely she is utterly wrapped up in her own life. That’s the way it tends to be with people, but yes I understand. I often feel so “alien”– that’s the only word I can use to describe it. That doesn’t mean I don’t like me, I do, it’s just that I feel so different and unrelateable. Actually I always felt this way, even as a young girl, but now that my husband isn’t around, I feel it more.
    CK is totally right, you are an amazing woman. Know it and keep your head held high. I’m sure it was a stupid oversight on your friends part. I came to the post late, and the issue is probably resolved now, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves that with or without anyone, we are kind of awesome anyway.

    • Thanks, caroline. All sorted. A misunderstanding and good old social media screw up. It was a gorgeous segue in life for a moment.

      I am also an alien. Always have been. I mostly like that about me. But in the aftermath of this and his choosing to fuck a clichΓ© – well, my “uniqueness” (we’re all ‘special’ huh πŸ˜‰) sometimes feels like a type of burden. Of course, I know far better. I never felt the need to “fit in” as a teen. But there have been moments during this post-apocalyptic life where I have questioned it all – and I fucking HATE that he caused that. His shit. Not mine. (But you feel it anyway…)

      • Butting in, but that is why I called you FABULOUS not special (learned my lesson on that one, girlie… you look for any opportunity to downplay your fabulous self!). Believe it! Glad you had so much fun!

      • I’ve always liked being different too, but now that I’m on my own, and would like to meet a partner, it makes it that much harder to find someone I connect with. Maybe it will never happen. I don’t want to settle for some mediocre guy who doesn’t get me.
        You are an amazing woman. The fact that u are not some cookie cutter Barbie makes you all the more so. Only a person deserving of you will appreciate it. That’s what I also try to remind myself ❀️

      • Oh Kat! You say the nicest things ;-)!

      • Caroline, cookie cutter Barbie’s be damned! The fucktard in your life wouldn’t know unique and fabulous if he tripped over it. His loss. Just wish their loss didn’t create such a gaping hole of doubt in our fabulous selves xxx. It will get better. One day you will be able to truly FEEL what you already intellectually KNOW. That you are worth SO much more than any old plastic Barbie.

  8. I don’t know you but I like you. I can relate my life to your life. An ocean away. I’m from Seattle. Wa., usa. These past two years have been hell, but…I did it, I conquered the pain of Betrayal and am a stronger woman because of it. Kudos to you flying off to Argentina…lol

    • Thanks Rebecca. Go you! All the best in your journey forward.

      • Thank you. I’m still with my betrayer and I’ve been empowered by my decision, stressing my decision, to stay with him. I chose to want to be with him, not because I need to be with him. It’s a huge step in my life and he knows how beautiful and strong I am. I’m seeing the difference in our marriage for the good. I travel all the time too….I deserve it.

      • I tried to reply the following somewhere else and it did not work (sorry for the person who got a half written reply). Please delete it when moderating!
        Leaving is not always the best solution it all depends on the work the “betrayer” is committed to do. It is hard and goes with ups and downs. One of the hardest things I feel is “pretending’ that all is well when seeing family and friends who don’t know a thing. I am not a pretender and cannot fake my smile and stupid small talk an entire evening. On the other hand, I want to become normal. but what is that anyway normal?
        Travel is good and seeing the positives is great. You got far…keep on going. Reading about those who can do it helps others!

      • Yes. I don’t pretend. I was good the first three years. But when I realised I really would never be “over it” in the neatly packaged way society wants me to be, I told the truth if asked. I am not over it. Not really. I am okay. I am moving forward. But not over it. I never will be. I don’t walk around with a sad face on. But I don’t pretend that his actions are forgotten. I don’t share anything about it. Unless asked directly. Then I tell the truth. Everyone knows. Small town. Most think we are “back to normal – that great couple and she ‘forgave’ him” – that is not the whole truth or the full picture. I do understand what happened to him. I do care very deeply for him. I do totally admire the work he did – and still does – to understand how the hell he did something so destructive and out of character. But I no longer feel the complete, pure, passion I did for him for 25 years. I love him. But it is changed so greatly we both understand that our partnership now has a use by date. It is the most heartbreakingly agonising pain and grief. But we retain a deep and true friendship and mutual respect for one another and the wellbeing of our children.

      • He did pretty well and is now home in the paddock for his summer spell πŸ‡

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