Yep, the new academic year is only a month away.
So, I decided to get my shit together. And actually enrol for my Masters. Good idea.
Because there are some big changes in academic circles here in my corner of the world. This means “rationalisation.” Which is capitalist bastard speak for cutting every paper out of graduate programs possible. In fact, so much so that I discovered – and so did our department’s adviser – that they have rationalised human geography’s core paper/s out of existence! A mad scramble later, and I have been granted a waiver for any of the graduate program’s core papers, and I am now making it up as I go! And, get this fellow betrayeds… my self appointed “core paper” is called Crossing Boundaries. Bahahahahaha! Noice.
So, I seem to be sorting this.
And becoming quite daunted at what I am taking on.
In this moment, life goes on. The sad thing that is what I am involved in. Roger and I are getting on like a house on fire. And that is a good thing. But I know I can’t carry on, my heart is still broken, and I still struggle with my emotions. He is so sad, but staunch about the inevitable end that is coming. He went to a gig in a nearby city a while back with some old friends that have become new ones again. And he had a little bit to drink and admitted to some of them that he was going to have the distinction of getting a divorce without the getting married bit.
So out of character. He doesn’t overshare. My old friend S was outside with him later, and was very sad. I think she thought I would “get over it” eventually and all would be okay. She said to him that she was truly gutted. He said he was too, but that is what you get for being a dumb bastard. I feel so damn sorry for him, I really do. But I am still not “better.”
Then last night he was out at a sporting fixture with some other friends, and one of them said his wife had just left him. That they are still very close, but she didn’t want to be married to him any more. No cheating was cited, and I don’t think there was any that anyone is aware of. Rog was very affected when I picked him up. I could tell immediately that he was “off” – and why. He was a bit short, and said he felt pretty bad for his friend. He apologised in the morning, I said it was fine, I know what had caused it. The thing is, we have had a lot of friends’ marriages tip over in the nearly three decades we have been together, and I have never seen him so affected. I know he is feeling this very personally. And although I know myself, and my decisions, I do feel like an arsehole for not having healed – even though I know that is a waste of time, and not true. It is not my fault I am devastated by what he chose for us.
Hmmm, I am tired, and this is a pointless post. But it needed to be bled out. So it goes here. Sorry guys, I wish I could get better, turn this around now and be a shining beacon of hope.
Not today folks 🙂