Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Here we go!

14 Comments

Yep, the new academic year is only a month away.

Oh dear.

So, I decided to get my shit together. And actually enrol for my Masters. Good idea.

Because there are some big changes in academic circles here in my corner of the world. This means “rationalisation.” Which is capitalist bastard speak for cutting every paper out of graduate programs possible. In fact, so much so that I discovered – and so did our department’s adviser – that they have rationalised human geography’s core paper/s out of existence! A mad scramble later, and I have been granted a waiver for any of the graduate program’s core papers, and I am now making it up as I go! And, get this fellow betrayeds… my self appointed “core paper” is called Crossing Boundaries. Bahahahahaha! Noice.

So, I seem to be sorting this.

And becoming quite daunted at what I am taking on.

Whateverz.

In this moment, life goes on. The sad thing that is what I am involved in. Roger and I are getting on like a house on fire. And that is a good thing. But I know I can’t carry on, my heart is still broken, and I still struggle with my emotions. He is so sad, but staunch about the inevitable end that is coming. He went to a gig in a nearby city a while back with some old friends that have become new ones again. And he had a little bit to drink and admitted to some of them that he was going to have the distinction of getting a divorce without the getting married bit.

So out of character. He doesn’t overshare. My old friend S was outside with him later, and was very sad. I think she thought I would “get over it” eventually and all would be okay. She said to him that she was truly gutted. He said he was too, but that is what you get for being a dumb bastard. I feel so damn sorry for him, I really do. But I am still not “better.”

Then last night he was out at a sporting fixture with some other friends, and one of them said his wife had just left him. That they are still very close, but she didn’t want to be married to him any more. No cheating was cited, and I don’t think there was any that anyone is aware of. Rog was very affected when I picked him up. I could tell immediately that he was “off” – and why. He was a bit short, and said he felt pretty bad for his friend. He apologised in the morning, I said it was fine, I know what had caused it. The thing is, we have had a lot of friends’ marriages tip over in the nearly three decades we have been together, and I have never seen him so affected. I know he is feeling this very personally. And although I know myself, and my decisions, I do feel like an arsehole for not having healed – even though I know that is a waste of time, and not true. It is not my fault I am devastated by what he chose for us.

Hmmm, I am tired, and this is a pointless post. But it needed to be bled out. So it goes here. Sorry guys, I wish I could get better, turn this around now and be a shining beacon of hope.

Not today folks πŸ™‚

 

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Here we go!

  1. Aw Paula you wee Kiwi sweetheart, you have nothing to apologize for! If I wanted to read about fairytale marriages that are even more sparkly and fabulous after infidelity I would go elsewhere, the reason I, like so many others, am drawn to your blog is because of your endearing honesty. This post-affair ride is awful, and I find such deep comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in what I’m feeling and thinking. Of course I wish you peace and happiness, but I admire the strength you have to share these painful thoughts, so please never forget that your words bring peace to me and many others. I’ve told you before how I also struggle with the ‘why can’t I just get over it’ feelings in the face of a very sad and remorseful husband. It makes me feel like an ungrateful failure, like I’m the one refusing to be happy. These thoughts can be so destructive, but I need to keep reminding myself that I didn’t do this, it was brought upon me by the one person I loved most in the world, the one who was supposed to protect me from such pain, not put me in it. Sometimes all the sorries in the world just aren’t enough, and it’s just so incredibly sad. Keep your chin up babe, you’re doing the best you can, and I love you xx

    • You’re pretty sweet yourself, KJ. I know this blog is my dumping ground. And I still need it. Six years and eight months later. Dammit. I just would love it if there was something for others to find inspiring or hopeful. Being the sad sack was never me. IRL I can put the happy facade on now. Not 100%. I know some people know there’s more to it. But I can play nice. But I haven’t been able to convince me of this for about two years now. That is why I know I have to try another way. I know being single won’t make me better. But it will hopefully help me stop making Roger sad.

  2. When you heard what the paper was called did you lick your pen and shout for paper!? πŸ˜‚
    What a heartbreaking situation that you and Roger are in, it would almost be better if you were arguing, at least then the break would be clean and the relief would be palpable. Don’t apologise for what goes on your blog – this is the place to vent, unspool, moan, cry, rejoice, and being as you are me and I am you it’s probably all within one ten minute period! 😘😘

    • Hehehe owlie. I have been pre-enrolled in it for months. It makes me giggle. I know it is going to be about people and things “out of place” – so yeah. Putting one’s dick in one’s beloved’s friend’s vagina is totally “out of place” one would think. Hang on a sec while one stops choking on this fucking plum in one’s mouth!

  3. Good for you for continuing your education! Good luck.
    Maybe you have healed. Maybe for you, healing doesn’t equal staying in the marriage. Maybe you are a shining beacon of hope for staying true to yourself. You should definitely NOT feel like an arsehole πŸ™‚

    • I think so. But I still feel absolutely broken and not one bit glued back together. Done a lot of reflection, therapy, talking and reading. If this is healed, hmm. My staying true to myself is certainly a big part of my “non-healing” and I often go over the question of am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? But from being a couple who were intimately in tune with each other, who loved to be physically connected, who had a fabulous and rewarding sex life, to one where I am now completely sexually numb – well, that is bloody difficult to accept and incorporate into my identity. From fiery, sexual redhead to numb, frigid old hag in one easy step…. not fun

  4. So glad there is still somewhat of a program that fits your needs for you to sort out! If anyone can make this happen, you can!

    It sounds like Rog is metabolizing his future. Perhaps when the time comes, he will better prepared than most. ❀

    • I know Kat. It is what it is, and the department are running around desperately trying to help me get what I need from them. I feel quite blessed, and almost “loved” by them. My fave lecturer told me yesterday in an email that “everyone here values you highly” – and if that is what the uni is doing to flatter the students, well, it’s working!;-)

  5. > It is not my fault I am devastated by what he chose for us.
    This is what hurts so many of us. We suffer the devastation that was not of our choosing. We had no say, no voice!
    Somewhere deep inside, that fiery sexual redhead is laying dormant, but I don’t believe you’ve killed her off. It’s awful that you’re still suffering after so long, but you made your decision for your self-preservation.
    Go kick butt with your studies, I’m cheering you on! SWxo

    • Cheers, SW. I have certainly tried everything in the book – and a few things outside of it, too – not a stirring – and it isn’t just him. I just don’t feel like a sexual creature anymore. WTF??? But, maybe I will explore some of that in Crossing Boundaries, lol πŸ˜‰

  6. Not even close to pointless. I think it’s proof positive. Reform doesn’t Re-Form. It can’t go back. You can’t make the vase be perfect again. It’s bittersweet. I am sad, that you have forgiven without recovering. I am sad, that you are losing the love you’ve had. I at least have the benefit of being able to hate him a bit. But your fella worked at it. But bits can’t be totally unbroken. I’m so sorry, but so excited for you to get onto a new chapter. Truthfully I am also looking forward to that for me. But that’s in time…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s