Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

100 Things I Like …

33 Comments

Hey all.

I was asked if I would participate in this, and to be honest, I haven’t been having the greatest of times this past month or so, and shied away from it.

The title is supposed to be 100 Things I Love. I first saw Totally Caroline’sΒ post. It was MAGNIFICENT! And not to be a complete downer, but I seriously doubt that I feel love about anything anymore. At best, I get a, “meh, I don’t hate that” – great attitude, Paula, keep that shit up!

With that in mind, I am gonna try to find 100 Things I Like Enough to Write Them Down on a Blog Post to Try to Make Myself and My Friends Here Feel a Bit Happier; or Paula’s Mindfulness List:

  1. Living in a rural space
  2. Going to uni to re-organise my thinking
  3. That I finished my undergrad degree in just over two years
  4. My kids – they’re alright I guess πŸ˜‰
  5. Wintery-days-in-front-of-the-fire-at-the-lake
  6. Sunny-days-on-the-farm-or-beach-or-lake
  7. Getting out of the sun
  8. Being pasty white and red haired
  9. Pineapple Lumps straight from the fridge (hey, ifΒ owlieΒ can like culturally specific things like cwtches – hell, so can I!)
  10. Growing my own organic vegetables
  11. Creating simple meals out of No. 10
  12. Growing my own beef and lamb
  13. Ditto number 11 – about No. 12 …
  14. My stupid, notarealdog
  15. Spending time on the farm with the working dogs
  16. 80’s music
  17. 90’s music
  18. 00’s music
  19. Music
  20. Rare visits off the farm to galleries and the theatre – cultural capital in a totally rurally-starved reinterpretation of the concept!
  21. Me. Despite my severe fuckedupness, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else … see ya, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya
  22. Roger. Despite everything, he is a hell of a fun guy, and he is so damn sorry and incredibly pissed off at himself, and mostly very understanding of how I ‘turned out’ (Meh.)
  23. Hogarth’s chocolate. Usually a small square of good quality, white chocolate was my only choc love, I don’t really like chocolate as a flavour, but discovered this little artisan chocolate roaster recently, their Madagascar is divine. Thin blocks of geographically specific beans, roasted and prepared to melt on your tongue…
  24. Fresh linen
  25. Images, still images, beautifully shot. Wish I had the patience. Too much of a point and shoot girl …
  26. The Internet. In that I would be a very lonely girl without it these days. My life changed into such a weird shape after infidelity, and the real life friends have fallen by the wayside. Thankfully I have a couple of lovelies here … And one or two that live overseas and don’t know about my situation, who are delicious!
  27. The incredibly supportive staff at my university department. Especially from my lead supervisor. I feel acceptance and understanding there that I don’t feel in many other spaces anymore
  28. My racehorse, Louis
  29. Sitting at my computer, tapping out ‘stuff’ – very seriously – and notarealdog all of a sudden going off at nothing outside – super guard dog, very scary! (And when a real person arrives, she runs in the opposite direction if she doesn’t know them! Fierce!)
  30. Highlighter powder. My eyes are too hooded to wear winged eyeliner anymore … dammit
  31. Lippy. In bright colours. Reds, fuschias, ORANGE, you get the picture
  32. Fresh hair colour
  33. World (brand.) Both their fashion, and their beauty lines – especially the hard-to-find fragrances they import.
  34. Booze. Champagne. Pinot Noir, Sauvignon Blanc, Rogue Society Gin, Vodka, Good Rum. Yes, I think I might have a problem … what’s it to ya?
  35. SHOES! (How did shoes only get to be No. 35?)
  36. Potting flowers
  37. SEAFOOD! ALL OF IT. GIMMEE, GIMMEE, GIMMEE!!!
  38. My green eyes
  39. My kids’ gorgeous long, dark, thick, curly eyelashes
  40. My mother. All 16 years dead of her. But mostly the 32 years I had with her
  41. Movies, I like a good story
  42. Autumn colour, wish I lived in Central Otago like my little brother at that time of the year – however, see No. 25
  43. Mindfulness
  44. Great tits – on anyone – big, small, young, old – preferably natural
  45. A sexy arse, and great shoulders and chest
  46. Modesty, but with genuine self-confidence, and not fake, “oh, I’m not really,”Β modesty
  47. The Coromandel
  48. Clever Internet memes, not your standard stuff
  49. Sleep. Β I remember sleep
  50. People who get off their arses and make a difference (note to self …)
  51. The smell of horse. Bury your face in that neck and just breathe in
  52. Speed, the kind where the wind blows through your hair, and just everywhere – not the kind where the world just flashes by, like in a closed vehicle – a (helmetless – shhh, don’t tell OSH) farm bike, a galloping horse …
  53. Glowworms
  54. Someone who does vintage or kitsch really, really well
  55. Swearing. Fuck yeah
  56. Passionfruit curd
  57. Goat curd
  58. Lemon curd
  59. Curd (WTF? I didn’t know this until now …)
  60. Taika Waititi
  61. Flight of the Conchords
  62. Faux animal heads – what’s up with that???
  63. Bruises. The colours, the beautiful colours
  64. Comedy. Just comedy, in most forms, ‘cept when it is at the expense of anyone who is oppressed. But then, that’s not comedy, just cruelty and more oppression.’Cos everyone needs to larf – and some of us need more prompting these days, so yeah, comedy is good
  65. My home work space – the view is of green, rolling hills and trees, year ’round
  66. My bright orange kitchen splashback – pressed tin, fake subway tile
  67. Live music with my kids
  68. Peeling off layers of clothing when you’ve been working on the farm all day in winter
  69. Today. The shortest day of the year
  70. The longest day
  71. BBQs. Just everything about the idea
  72. Baby animals. All of them. Gorgeousness
  73. The relief of submitting an assignment. Just one to go before my thesis
  74. Heterogeneity. The world is full of all kinds of people, places, things …
  75. NZ native bush. So cool, so lush, so green
  76. How a house is warmed in winter by the scent of a slow cooked meal
  77. Honesty. And that my kids have survived all my honesty! πŸ™‚
  78. People who hug. I am not one. But I get it. I think I should have been. But life got in the way. I have a love-hate thing with huggers
  79. Awareness of privilege, all kinds of privilege, and tolerance (at the very least) for those who do not have any
  80. The Coen brothers (and Frances McDormand)
  81. How Fargo was so successfully made into a TV series – I was a doubter
  82. Bling. Silver bling, stars, glitter, you name it
  83. Junk jewellery, not the expensive stuff, the glittery, cheap stuff
  84. A really good cup of tea
  85. Organic milk (see No. 84)
  86. Cream, oh how I love thee!
  87. Cheese. Basically I should have just written, dairy, “I like it a lot” (said in a Jim Carrey/Lloyd Christmas voice)
  88. Stormy weather, thunder and lightning make me feel alive!
  89. Salted caramel
  90. Chipotle – scratch that – smoky flavours. Any smoky flavours
  91. Empaths. As long as they are not just wet saps!
  92. Getting absolutely drenched through in a rainstorm – as long as I can get warm and dry on the same day!
  93. Scented flowers, but also tulips. I like tulips
  94. Cows. A much maligned species!
  95. That we still have a largely unarmed police force in Aotearoa New Zealand
  96. Living in the South Pacific
  97. Warm toes
  98. That notarealdog continues to try to befriend thecatisabitch. Even though thecatisabitch has made her feelings on the matter crystal clear. Notarealdog is a chump?
  99. The smell of raw wool. The lanolin-rich, greasy, animalness of it
  100. That this was so damn hard! I know, do I like/love that? Probably not, but I knew it would be hard for me to produce a 100 Things I Love list these days, with so many of my “loves” gone from my life. Hot, sweaty sexathons, knowing I was truly loved, that “in love” feeling I had for a good couple of decades, that feeling you had for the first part of the relationship that I still felt with a sharpness often. Loving my curvy and baby-scarred body, real life friends, laugh-until-your-guts-ache belly laughs, etc. And when I read CrazyKat’s Β gorgeous, flowing, easy, post on this, I realised that my No. 21 might not be so great after all. But I have known that for a long time. I am not one of those who has bounced back. And I am sad about that, but I also own it. This is who I am now. I have been changed by the betrayal in ways I really never fully predicted. It has been a surprise in many ways. But I accept it, nevertheless. And the most important part of all of it is to ensure you stay mindful, and that there are still many things in life that work xxx.

On that note, Namaste bitches!

 

 

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33 thoughts on “100 Things I Like …

  1. Fuck yeah!!!
    Things I love: you
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. It starts with the little things. Think of them as bricks that you need to rebuild your house .
    You like bruises? I find that so strange, so do I!
    You did an awesome job. So come on, admit it, you did smile a little when u wrote this, no?
    ❀️❀️❀️

    • Hehehe. Not really. Was like a homework assignment! Got stuck in the 30s. Then the 50s. Then several more times! But it’s important. Mindfulness. So damn important.

      And yeah, bruises. We can be masochistic weirdos together, Caroline xxx

      And your comment made me smile 😚

  2. Oh, come on… you LOVE Louis!!! Smile, smile, yeah smile! I used my annoying mobile phone to post this just so I could use the racing horse emoji, dammit!!! πŸ‡

    And you LOVE champagne! 🍾

    And cheese πŸ§€

    πŸ’–πŸŒΈπŸ˜Žβ™₯οΈπŸΎπŸ˜‚πŸ’‹πŸŒΊπŸ§€πŸŽ

    Love you Paula!!! xoxo

    • Ha! The thing is, I USED to LOVE the horses, and now I just feel … okay … about them. It is such a bizarre thing to lose the passion from life – but yup! Emojis are awesome – A total guilty pleasure to use them and feel about 12 years old – dammit, I am on the computer and can’t respond with any!!! Thanks Kat – LOVE you though xxx

  3. I so love your blunt honesty Paula. I get you and you make me laugh and cry…sometimes at the same time. I have read everybody’s 100 things and I guess I’m gonna have to jump on the bandwagon…. Thanks for this post!

    • Positive posts are so important, huh, leigh? I feel like it is something I am far behind many other bloggers in doing. But I have also loved every one I have read. The number of blogs I now follow is dwindling. Culling of them has been a part of my attempt to avoid wallowing and staying in a negative space. Can’t wait to read yours!

  4. ❀️❀️ love this! It made me smile in any case πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

  5. Culturally specific things are a must on the love/like list – if not you have to move!!
    I love your like list Paula, I had a laugh and a I felt a little sad, I know you feel so keenly what you lost, I hope doing the list did help.
    I said it before, I’ll say it again you rock! x x x

  6. Owww I commented on this earlier but it didn’t post, stupid phone!

    I love your 100!! Made me smile πŸ™ŒπŸΌ ❀️

    • Heya BE. I think it must have been your first comment here because it sat in my approvals folder. All good now though. Glad it caused smiles, lovely xxx

      • Really? I’m sure I’ve commented on your posts before, or I thought I had πŸ˜• though saying that I’ve had some comments recently that have been sat in approval from regular commenters (hmm commenters, don’t particularly like that term of phrase but you know what I mean lol!)
        Hope your feeling more positive after your list! I’m loving reading a bit more (or 100 things more) about everyone xxx

      • Yeah. I thought it was weird, too! It is a great tool to express a bit more of who we are. Not just what happened to us. Love that πŸ’š

      • Absolutely!!! πŸ’œ

  7. I fucking love swearing too!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  8. Paula, I love your list especially the number 100, I am also one that has not bounced back from al this affair shit, hey shit happens! All in all I think we’ve both done pretty good we’re still alive & can even laugh about it sometimes. Stay strong, xo joan

  9. We all have to remember to find like/loves in life…sometimes I have to stop and listen to my children’s laughter, look out on the view from my house of pasture, ponds, calves, and dogs, inhale and exhale (deep breaths) and remind myself how much I have. Big hugs Paula πŸ™‚

    • Thanks Kelly. I do the same. And know, and am so thankful for, how blessed most other areas of my life are. Pictures, other visual reminders, time out to try to relax, and lists are good practice πŸ˜€. That said (oh here we go…) I also know that those of us who loved hard and trusted completely are the ones who struggle the most in their recovery journeys. And I think realising I wasn’t going to get to a place where I could continue to share my life and love with Rog just tore the wound open that little bit wider again. Especially because he has tried so hard and been so devastated himself. I struggle to forgive myself for not getting there. And honestly? I miss the way we once were, the sharing and caring so damn much. But hey. This is the hand I was dealt. Playing it as best I can β™ β™₯♦♣

      • I understand πŸ™‚ like Kenny Rogers said ” You gotta know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” There is no shame in fold’em and walking away my sweet friend, all any of us can do at this point is try and save ourselves, and pick up the pieces of our broken families.

      • And you’re doing it beautifully, Kelly! Keep it up xxx. This gambler ‘broke even’.

  10. Paula, I truly don’t think anyone ever fully recovers from a betrayal this devastating so you have nothing to forgive yourself for, like Kelly said there’s no shame in whatever you decide to do! I decided to stay & when we all were together over the 4th & I looked around the room at my family laughing & teasing each other, I felt thankful, sure things will never be the same, BUT (there’s always a BUT), like you said it’s the hand all of us on here have been dealt & I plan to play out my hand with the family I love! I hope you find some happy moments, that’s how I started out, now I have happy days, after all whether I’m happy or not, he still cheated!!! I choose me, I choose me to be happy in spite of what happened & I hope you do the same! Hugs from Joan

    • Good to hear, Joan. And I know. It is with you forever, this pain. I tried damn hard to ‘choose’ happiness every day. It wouldn’t stick. And I have never felt happiness since D-day. I thought I was independent and self aware. But my damn happiness was closely linked with my happy love. That still pisses me off! I wasn’t the kind of woman who based her self worth on a man. But obviously I based my happiness on my relationship status. Never again. I never ever want to be that vulnerable again. Despite watching hours of Brene Brown – and totally agreeing with what she says. I just can’t.

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