Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

My daughter. My hero.

19 Comments

Today I found out that my youngest daughter, just 18, about to head off to uni in a couple of weeks has done something that I am immensely proud of. This all happened, very quietly (ie, no social media BS, no crying to Mummy, etc) in the past week.

It isn’t a hard thing. It isn’t a heroic thing. It is a human thing.

Or at least I think it is.

She has had this friend, since primary school, who has become more and more entitled, more and more selfish, as the years have slid by. She deliberately distanced herself from her a few years ago, did not ‘break up with her’ as a friend, just ensured she wasn’t in her closest circle. But this last year at school, she was back in the inner circle. And last weekend, my daughter, D, caught this manky ‘friend’ kissing (etc) another of their friend’s boyfriends. D told her in no uncertain terms that it was not on. The ‘friend’ expressed no remorse, and was a completely entitled, “oh well, if they were so happy, why did he do that with me,” frame of mind. D told her she was done. Then she rang the friend, and told her what her boyfriend did. She found it hard to do, nobody wants to be the messenger. But the friend, who was very upset, didn’t take too long to pull herself together and broke up with the cheating little shit. She said, “well, better I know now, and I am off to beauty school in a nearby city, so I have a clean slate to work with now. Thank you D for letting me know what was going on behind my back, you’re an fantastic friend. That must have been hard to tell me.”

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The thing is – is it really that fucking hard to be a decent human being? To not fuck your friends’ loves? To tell them the truth when you discover something bad going on in their lives? D says that this group of friends has now rallied around her, praising her for her actions, and loyalty to the ‘nice’ girl, but they all said they would have been too scared to call the cheating maggot out. (She can make life a bit unbearable if you disagree with her about anything, don’t get me started on why she was even a friend of my daughter’s!) Or that they would have told the betrayed girl. I was gobsmacked. WTF? What is friendship? I just never associated with these kinds of Mean Girls. I didn’t understand what made them so happy, so superior, so inse-fucking-cure.

This incident comes just a few weeks after D sat her friend group on their arses when she spoke up loudly when one of them – another very ‘nice’ girl, but very sheltered, very conservative family, etc – retorted to a comment that one of them made about someone they knew Β having recently having something very painful and sad happen to them. The ‘nice girl’ said, “oh well, you never know, maybe she did some bad things, and this is what she got.” (Hey, this is high school here, they are kids trying to negotiate a pretty fucked up world right now, cough, Trump and all his fucking cronies!) D immediately replied to that, “WTF? So, something awful happens to a really nice person, and you immediately think to victim shame them? That is exactly like saying ‘that girl deserved to be raped, after all, that dress WAS very short.’ This is a sad and bad thing, and bad things happen to good people. Karma is not real. I wish it was, but life just deals some shit hands sometimes.” The girls all looked at D like she had just said something they had NEVER thought of! Then they discussed their views on this, that they were just repeating discourses that they heard over and over, to soothe their own worries about ‘bad stuff happening’ – if I behave, it won’t happen to me. I was already quietly thinking, “hey, I raised a critical thinker, a decent human, go me!”

She had told me that she was just trying to eek out the last few weeks of being in the same small town as the ENTITLED ONE, without rocking the boat, but that this was the final blow to their friendship – she can’t be around people who have a black hole where their character should sit.

So, just putting it out there, I think, despite being a little concerned at times about some of her choices, that my youngest is a good human. I can add a third to the collection of good humans I raised. Phew!

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19 thoughts on “My daughter. My hero.

  1. Wow, so complicated. I bet she will be glad to be off to uni even though it’s not far away. It is getting worse, isn’t it? I mean I know this shit happened when we were in high school too (Leanne???), but with social media and everyone needing to be “validated” the rationalizations just keep coming. Good on you for raising a girl with integrity. xx

    • Posting this was so embarrassing. I just can’t even πŸ˜‰. Teenage girl shit is soooooooo not me. But I am just proud she can see through the bullshit. And stand up for her friends. Even when the friend hurt here was not her ‘BFF’ And the protagonist was supposedly close. Character. So bloody rare, it appears. My heart breaks for the world when I see how rare it is. But a beacon of hope that she is helping to life educate some young women who haven’t had that guidance. Yet.

      • Her friends, now and in the future, will be lucky to have her. I was so naive in thinking that people actually evaluated their actions, the way I was taught to do, the golden rule and all that. It’s a soul crushing day when we find out how many people are willing to stomp on our hearts will very little incentive or provocation. We have to be stronger than we want to be. We have to build walls that shouldn’t need to be built. I hate it that D has experienced so much of this betrayal so young, but I can see her doing good things because of it. You are a great role model! πŸ’•

      • Yes, Kat. I knew about this stuff young. But was unaware that so many are not brought up with any guiding principles. I now see why Leanne was so selfish. I narcissistic, womanising father, and a pious, bury your head in the sand mother. How could she possibly be empathetic? Only if her mother put her foot down and called ‘enough!’ Instead she was scared to confront any of the OW or their husbands. Told Leanne she was scared one of them would come after her father with a shotgun. All the more temptation for me! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‚πŸ˜™

  2. Good for her! I think your daughter sounds like a very “together” human being, with a greater sense of justice than most. I am pretty sure I would never have had the courage at her age to do what was right so confidently. You are justly proud of her. Nowt wrong with that, X

    • Thanks Ash. Yes. I am pleased. I am one who would have called that girl out. Honestly? I would not have tolerated the girl as long as D has. I wondered if she was being swayed by this era of the self(ie). Thankfully she has character. It was in insight into how so many people neglect to, or have no idea they even should be, educating their kids about emotional matters or human relationships.

  3. Hallelujah for your girl. I am glad for the deep sense she has.

  4. Well done! Isn’t seeing them become responsible human beings wonderful! Be proud. –Jules

    • I have enjoyed watching them all grow. This one has had more of the teen drama to deal with than the others. I think. But I can see she hasn’t bought into those vapid ideologies. I was a little worried she was the youngest, spoiled child. But she also has a brain and a heart. Phew!

  5. You raised a lovely girl ❀

  6. You know from my social media how much this will resonate with me 😍 I’ve got a sneaking suspicion good and nasty mommas raise good and nasty daughters. 😍😍 and I was in exactly the same situation when I was your daughters age – and I did exactly the same thing! 😘

    • You know it, owlie. I posted this because this version of ‘one of my daughters’ – V2.0 – had me a tad worried. She appeared more … ‘mainstream’? But all the parts of a wonderfully nasty woman are installed. Thank fuck!

      My friend who returned from nearly 20 years living in London (still has her business based there) to Auckland a couple of years ago is this D-and-owlie hero. She was flatting with Leanne in her early 20s. A good friend. When she discovered her cheating on Rog, she phoned him and told him. I remember hearing that (after he and I got together a year or two later) And being impressed. At the character. She was willing to put character and truth over loyalty to a skanky ‘friend’ who did not deserve it. Same friend was the one who messaged me around Christmas telling me she had just seen Leanne (whom she wouldn’t have seen in over 20 years) in an interior design store she had just walked into. And turned around and left, disgusted, not wanting to make contact, hoping Leanne hadn’t seen her, telling me how furious she was that she gets to carry on with her ‘fabulous’ (yeah, right) life. I cried. No one has been that loyal to me. S has my back. Because she is one kind, badass nasty woman! Cheers owlie. You fkn rock your social media badassery. πŸ˜™πŸ˜™πŸ˜™

  7. This is insanely powerful. Great parenting. Seriously

    • Thanks, CR. It is good to make your own people. Hard. But can pay off if you care about the world πŸ˜‰.

      I went to a BBQ the other night (I know! Going out. Seeing actual human people!) And got chatting with a woman I know casually, used to play hockey with her. Always liked her. Always knew she is a deep thinker and caring person. We were talking kids. She inherited 2 girls when she married their father, some years after leaving her first husband who came out while she was in hospital having just had their son. Yep. She left him with a newborn in tow. Had another son with new husband later on. They seem very happy (his first wife was a cheater, left him with the girls, which he was thrilled about. They are lovely humans too.) Somehow we got talking about such stuff. She got it. She had her own stories to share. About boundaries and raising good humans. Generally I don’t do ‘mum talk’ in social situations. But this was a nice chat. About some young people we love. But know are not perfect.

      How are you getting on in now-not-so-new city? Update us please when you can xxx.

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