Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

The end of the story


I don’t even know how to start this post. I wasn’t going to blog about it, because I am still processing, and the pain is very fresh again.

Firstly, Roger’s affair notwithstanding, I have made some terrible mistakes on this journey since D-day. I know I am not the only one, and I mostly understand and forgive myself for being human, traumatised and trying to get help to negotiate the stormy waters of intensely emotional times. It has been over eight years. It has been very tough. Way tougher than even I imagined when I read those words on my phone that shifted my whole world on its axis.

As I said, I am not sure about the order that this will spill out of me. But, I will try to get it out here.

As I was finishing up, pushing for the finish line for my Masters thesis, it was hard. Harder than I expected. The intensity of the emotions that I was researching, the place-based emotionality of my participants, I started to notice a change in me. I wasn’t sure about it, I was feeling very stressed as I rubbed up against the submission date, and was not quite happy with what I had written – I had to go a week over – which is allowed, with no penalty, as long as you apply in time. But, the Type A personality I am, I was disappointed. But, I got it in two weeks before the extension deadline. Phew!!! And, I slowly started to understand the feeling. It wasn’t euphoria, it wasn’t relief, I started to come to the realisation that is was healing. The process of researching home as a place of heartbreak and rebirth had been cathartic! Still, I didn’t trust myself fully. So, I took myself off to Wellington, to spend a few days with my eldest daughter. International Film Festival time. We spoiled ourselves, ate out, and saw several beautiful films. Then, I came home, knowing that the talk I have talked for the past two or three years – that I was strong, and was never going to stay with a cheater – was largely bravado. I loved this man. I had written these words in my thesis acknowledgements, in the last week before I submitted it, knowing that I still loved him as deeply as I ever had, that we had been through the fire, and with hope (HOPE!!!! FINALLY!!!) that we could go forward together, and that I was finally ready to put the past where it was healthiest, to the side, not front and centre every day:

“To Roger, my love of 29 years, for the decades of intense love before and despite huge challenge, and a very difficult recent journey, you are the love of my life, and I totally adore you.”

I arrived back from Wellington a fortnight ago. It was early afternoon, and Rog was home. I made us a cup of tea, and asked him if he had a minute to talk. He said, yes, of course. We sat at the dining table, and I looked directly at him, nervous as all hell. I said, “I have made a HUGE mistake. I totally adore you, love you truly, madly, deeply, always have, and now know I have the desire and enough information to fully re-commit to us. I don’t want us to split up.”

After years and years of him pursuing me relentlessly, I guess I had assumed that this would be the moment. The music would swell, and we would be carried off on a cloud of passion and forgiveness! (DJ scratches the record….) He looked sadly at me, and said, “I’ve met someone else.”

My heart broke again folks. Loudly and completely. I thought I could never feel the pain I felt after D-day. I was wrong. The thing is, I do not blame myself here, I needed eight years, an undergraduate degree and to spend 18 months of my life learning and researching, in a totally navel-gazing manner, to heal my wounds. And I missed the timing. By three weeks. I did not fit Roger’s timeline – and I know that is crappy of him.

You see, the thing is, I did push him away. For the greater part of three years I have been holding him at arm’s length, determined to protect myself, maybe to teach him a lesson? But mostly to try to release him from the pain that was ruining MY life, and by osmosis, not doing him a huge favour, either. I thought it was best to let him go. I always knew I still loved him though, and I did tell him this. The other thing is this – we had agreed not to involve a third party until we physically separated, and this would be hard on the person who was not involved – the non-loved up one. (Oh shit, I can feel the pain seeping from my feet upwards right now, as I type this out.) I even said to him, on several occasions, please let me know if you think this is not gonna work for you – literally grab me by the shoulders and say it to my face – as I am pretty distracted and encompassed by this research. He says he did. He did not. I found two charges this year on his credit card for dating sites since February this year. I immediately asked him if he wasn’t coping, and did we need to find alternative living arrangements. He said that he got lonely, but that the sites were awful, and he had cancelled his subscription quickly both times. He lied. Not that he had cancelled, but he has been chatting to women for most of this year. I asked to be informed about this, and he did not tell me. I was naive, and I took him at his word – he was lonely. I could see that. But he never said, “I am talking to other women, and I think we are over.” Instead, I asked him to PLEASE wait until my Masters was done, and we could reassess where we were at, and start to make some permanent decisions, kindly and mutually.

My deadline was the 23rd of July. I handed in in on the 31st. I have now gone through his phone records – remember “my” technophobe partner, the one who never had a social media presence, and didn’t use his phone for much except business? Well, I knew he had opened a Facebook account relatively recently – we are friends there – it made sense, he has three young adult children, he communicates with them via Messenger. Well, he finally got a 51 year old widowed mother of three to give him her phone number. He sent her 1256 text messages between 8th July and 10th August. And I know they mostly communicate via Messenger now. The thing that gets me is, I have talked to this woman, she seems very nice. A suburban mum, whose husband was an unrepentant serial cheater, and died 5 years ago of prostate cancer. So, WTF is she doing with a man who admitted that he had cheated, and was still living with his partner??? I had some communication with her, she lives about four hours drive from here. She seems lovely. A kind and sweet woman. But WTF lady??? I know what is happening here. He is doing his usual – love bombing her, rescuing a woman who has never really known love and kindness, and she has NEVER had someone give her their full attention – this is flattery at its finest. He has met with her five times since the 8th of July, and Thursdays are now their designated “date nights.” He was to drive down there last week, but she got cold feet at the last minute. They apparently have not yet had sex – as she has been (rightly!) cautious. But, tomorrow is the night, folks! Hold onto your horses, lol. She has admitted to him that she has only had one sexual experience since her husband died – and that it was a disaster, she got all nervous and dry mouthed. Again, WTF? Roger is a highly sexual man. So, let’s just see how this pans out. Probably really well, he doesn’t have to beat much, and he is seriously good in bed! She won’t know what hit her ๐Ÿ˜‰

My point is this. I am still living here, on the advice of my lawyer (and I did look at rental properties, and felt incredibly depressed about the worn and sad nature of what I could afford – actually I couldn’t even afford those!) I like my home. I am warm, safe, and myself here. And I have let him go. Or am certainly in the process of doing so. I can see that he never really fully did the work required on himself, to heal the needy little boy. We had agreed to have some single time if we were done – to not try to Band-Aid over the hurts with another body. He could not do it. He is getting all the highs of a long-distance relationship, all the ego stroking, all the warm fuzzies. I can see him messaging her via Messenger – it is all day long, and half into the night. We get on well, and I am strong. I got some anti-anxiety meds from my doc, and they have helped me deal with this. I have a few weeks to gather myself before I start back at work fulltime. I am out running and walking every day – doing a lot in the bush, and feeling better about my body. I have planned to do a four day walk in the South Island next month, and that is good motivation to get fit again. I haven’t eaten more than about five bites in a fortnight, but feel strong, and I think my appetite is slowly returning. Tonight, I have my first mindfulness and guided meditation meeting, the group meets fortnightly (thank you BE and CK!) I KNOW that I need to move on, away from this man. But fuck, my mind is a LONG way ahead of my heart here. I am ashamed (but not really, I knew what I was doing) to admit that we have had sex five times – after promising each other that we ABSOLUTELY wouldn’t! I even promised K – the OW – that I wouldn’t. I fucking lied, but I meant it at the time – an insight into the mind of a cheater? ย The sex was unbelievably amazing, I came and came and came – wetly and profusely. Probably hysterical bonding, but I am BACKKKKK baby! OMG am I back? My libido is through the roof – yep, definitely hysterical bonding, but I am so glad that my sexuality is not dead, no way, I have ordered new toys, and am going to enjoy myself – by myself.

I guess my fucked up point here is that I know that I have made mistakes – I tried to push him away for him, and should have concentrated on my own healing, I have had sex with a man who is not good for me, and I had sex with him again, And again. And again, And it won’t happen again! I tried to point out, gently, without begging (gah, I am NOT that fucking desperate) that I had healed, finally, had my moment of clarity, and he was now willing to throw away what has been a truly wonderful partnership – we are so compatible in so many ways. We both love music, travel, adventure, the arts, the outdoors, SEX, oh my God, GREAT FUCKING LOUD IN YOUR FACE SEX, we are both a bit quirky, have an ‘off’ sense of humour. We have a lifetime of love and yes, truly terrible heartache. We had three children and four miscarriages together, wonderful home births, with beautiful babymoons, worked side-by-side, in love, enjoying each other. We LOVE the smell of each other. He says he hasn’t noticed her fragrance, or her natural scent – that is off for me, this man loves to deeply inhale me. So, he prefers the high of a new fling, with a lovely-but-boring suburban mum, whose scintillating online dating profile ย – yeah, I looked her up – used her star sign as her username (groan), and outlines that she likes the simple things; to go for coffee and maybe a movie (in her mum jeans ย – she has not yet dressed up for any of their dates, including a dinner out at a nice restaurant, where I ironed his shirt, cut his hair, bought him my favourite fragrance and tucked condoms into his pocket – I didn’t have to, but this is who I am, and who “we” have been.) ‘We’ have since found out that she is scared of flying, has admitted she is worried about sex, told him she will need a few wines on board before she can contemplate it, and is honestly fairly plain looking (not that that matters a jot.) He has “known” her for six weeks now. So, if it is that easy to be cast aside, I am not going to (nor am I able to!) compete – I don’t play that game. But, all my knowledge and self-esteem aside, this hurts like a MOTHERFUCKER! Why, oh why, did I do all that work on myself, to FINALLY decide that I could recommit to him? FAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKK!

The thing is now, I have had my solicitor draw up a separation agreement. I got the first draft yesterday, and although I have been mostly positive and accepting, I did plunge a little low when I got it. I am painting my bedroom, and ensuite, and keeping as chipper as possible. But, as I pointed out kindly to Rog last night, we are separating, and it is incredibly, incredibly painful. But, he has the support and loved-upness of his new “thing” making him feel amazing, and I am alone. No family, and very little in the way of support. I do have two friends who I can verbally vomit on, and they are wonderful, but one lives in Sydney, the other is closer, and I went to hers the other night for cups of herbal tea. My previous lifetime BFF, J, whom I have mentioned before on this blog, knows – including that I had got to the place of acceptance and felt good about moving forward together with a previous cheater – and has not said one, single comforting word to me. Instead, she sent Roger a supportive message, basically high-fiving him for finding new love. He was truly disgusted at her disloyalty, and has not replied. I know I have to keep walking – away – from this. But, it will take my emotions a while to catch up fully again.

Oh – and this – apparently I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about K – I asked why? Why are you ashamed? He said he didn’t want to look like he was cheating again. Oh, um, then don’t cheat. I told our kids, kindly, and my eldest daughter is pretty flabbergasted. Can’t believe his lack of introspection. If you are in a relationship you are ashamed of, you shouldn’t be in it. My mother’s first rule of dating.

I know this tale is pathetic. I know my telling doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense – why did I buy back in – too late? But, this is my Greek tragedy of a life, playing out in HD somewhere near me – at least I think I am me? Who fucking knows anymore?


64 thoughts on “The end of the story

  1. Oh God! This seems so messy. So awful. The part when you talked about how you realized you loved him only to have him tell you he moved on. I felt it in my heart. Sometimes there are no right words.
    I try to hope against hope that everything happens for a reason. That suffering has it’s ending. That pain doesn’t last forever… and then I have a rough day and I begin to doubt again.
    I don’t know what to say except I love you, and I’m rooting for your happy ending โ™ฅ๏ธ

    • Thanks Caroline. It will. Whatever the happy ending is, it will happen. I am not floating about this time. I have had time to plan and visualise. I just need to ensure I keep at it xxx

  2. I totally agree with Caroline. I too felt it in my heart, reading your post. I was sensing fear in me, based on the title.

    Roger, who are you? What are you thinking. Are you thinking?

    Paula, your daughter got it, your mother got it! We, your support get it!

    Is this really the end?



    • Thanks E. I’ve got this! (I have no choice!)

      • So, it is true, once a cheater…?
        It must be because the basis for this behaviour is intense selfishness and that is a personality flaw, i.e. a stable trait.
        So sad, I wished it was different. I always have hope…now, I wonder, is there any?

      • I don’t have the answers, E. All I know is that I lost hope. And years later, found it again. And that he talks an impressive game. Widow Sadz has believed all of his, “I made a terrible mistake, and hurt my partner, and NEVER want to be that person again.” All the while hurting me again.

        Although I take no responsibility for this, he has been a selfish arsehole, I do see that he waited a very long time with me telling him I didn’t think I was ever going to get over what he did. He eventually believed me. But the timing seems awfully convenient to me. And his devolution, from caring, understanding, owning his shit man, to “fuck you, Paula, you took too long,” is awfully convenient.

      • Yes, I am so sorry to hear this.

  3. I’m so sorry. Like the others above my heart broke when I read about you finally telling him you had healed and you loved him and wanted to recommit, only to hear him tell you he had met someone else.

    He is a cheater. He doesn’t deserve you. You deserve so much better and I truly hope you find it.

  4. How painful ๐Ÿ˜”, but better you got to know it now than later, after all he didn’t respect or abide by the boundaries set up and even lied about it when asked, and you could in no way have sped up your healing process, rather he should have abided by the boundaries he agreed to and later reaffirmed

  5. You weren’t three weeks late. Late for what? His new lust-interest? (The poor widow and her sadz and inability to enjoy sex? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!) His dating site hunt? Who knows what other roaches have been scattering about, unseen, for Godknowshowlong? He’s a lying liar who lies. Even when you beg to tell him the truth and him telling it wouldn’t change much except your *idea* of his “changed man” status.

    He’s been enjoying his centrality to any other women who will give him attention and being the cause of your psyche breaking down and building back up again, with him in mind. Your THESIS is based on what he’s done and you were even willing to let him back in… whereas you saw your own growth and even-stronger resilience, he only saw CAKE, ALL THE CAKE!

    Instead of appreciating your care and devotion over EIGHT YEARS of pain and heartbreak and deep introspection and healing, he says that you’re too late? WTF?

    His soul has gangrene, Paula. You can’t resurrect the dead. All that anyone is capable of is being whole, themselves… you fixed it. It took EIGHT YEARS to feel healed and what does he do? Calmly puts the pick into your heart and hammers down.

    Fuck off, Roger. You don’t deserve Paula. Nail his financial ass to the wall and don’t be shy or try to be “equitable.” What you’re allowed to take, to the fullest extent of the law, will be equitable. And when he complains, tell him it’s too late.

    • Yes, insist. Absolutely. I know there have obviously been others. Poor little boy with the sadz. He would be lapping up the attention from the (ugh) internet dating whores. I had a look. Those sites he used made me feel ill. So much desperation. So many – and this is pretty mean – ugly old women. Nice.

      I have my ducks in a row. There won’t be expensive litigation. I will get my half and walk away. Not making lawyers rich on my suffering. I will have enough.

      • And I ABSOLUTELY KNOW that I the was not three weeks late! That is kinda the point of my post. The ridiculousness of this. And his fuckery in standing all righteous and saying, ” too late. I’m done.” After years of appearing to not give up, and pursuing me. He finds a wrinkly old hag who opens her legs, and hey Presto! I am aware of his stupid game.

      • His reaction is as enraging as when we FIRST found out all of these things… when we poured out our hearts and pointed out the consequences and all the destruction they’d caused to us and our children and entire lives together… and all they can muster up is,


        Wow. What an outburst of sorrow.

        “It’s too late… [I don’t give a shit]” is along the same lines.

      • It’s worse really, insist. Because He now knows better. He can claim ignorance (to a tiny degree, but not really!) about the psychology of affairs and on faithful partners. But after years of therapy and introspection? Nah. That’s bullshit. The thing is, I am staying here until this farm sells. No real financial choice. And my lawyer has advised me to do so if I can manage emotionally. And I play real nice. And he can still come across with a superior and cutting attitude. Like this is all my fault. Yeah, yeah. Keep stabbing that knife in Roger. I can up my financialclaims if he decides to be an even bigger arsehole ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Love your comment so much IOH

    • Also LOVE your comment IOH!

  6. Paula, my heart is also breaking for you. Gah. This may be the end of one story but it is the beginning of another. And I wouldnโ€™t feel a damn bit guilty for the sex. The comforting take-away is that you have re-found yourself and your groove.

    I hear your agony when you write timing with Roger was off by three weeks, but is that really possible with true love? Love like that you can do without.

    I pray that today is a good day for you. (Hugs) from an internet stranger who cares.

    • No. It is not possible with true love. Not at all. I told him that. And I also told her that. She is welcome to him. Good luck with that! You have been warned. But she has lapped up the flattery and attention. Some people just can’t see the red flags, even when they are pointed out. Not my problem.

  7. What the actual FUCK??!!!
    My heart breaks for you Horses. How on earth could this be happening to you?! I don’t understand how Roger could choose a six week flirtation over your decade long relationship? WHY couldn’t he have been straight with you. What a fucktard.

    You are one STRONG WOMAN HORSES! Keep hanging on, don’t let go of your determination to survive and thrive! Love from across the oceans! ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’–

    • …decades long relationship. X

      • Yep. Even when I pointed that out. He showed me who he is by having an affair in the first place. I believed him then. Then spent years trying to talk myself out of my knowledge. I know this. I will just regather and carry on in the direction I set then. Dragging this stupid, broken heart along until it finally gets it properly. My head already knew.

  8. Paula, I’m so very sorry. You need to eat. Five bites is not enough. BUT, you are sexually alive again. That part makes me happy for you. Thinking of you, Jules

  9. Paula, the only mistake you have ever made was believing him. Nothing you have done has come close to his choices.
    I watched this go on with a man we know and his texting was ludicrous. Thousands. What in the hell do they talk about!!?? The majority of cheaters I know have never grown up. Men and woman. I assume Roger is in this group. You need an adult in your life. One will show up. They are out there. Give yourself time. Yay for you and sex!!!
    There is a lot of living for you and so much less stress now that you and he begin the separation. It can only get better with time and distance.
    Sending giant hugs across the ocean to you.

    • Thanks Moi. I agree, it is ridiculous. Honestly, when do they get any work done??? I know this is probably what is needed to move on, but hell it hurts to have to witness it all when I thought I had got out, then jumped back in again. D’oh. I wish I hadn’t done that – it is a lot harder now than it was when I just felt I was never going to heal. But hey, no choice, suck it up and keep moving.

  10. My sweet Paula. I am in tears. Tears of heartbreak, and anger, and trauma. But also of hope. Hope for YOUR future. Part of me sees a whole new world for you. . .apart from the life which you have lived for so long. You can be free of the world of betrayal, and Roger, and suspicion, and gas-lighting etc…You get to live only for you now. You no longer have to consider him and his decisions nor let them affect you. You have a certain freedom you would not have had by staying. You have worked so hard and come so far. You are going to be so much better than just ok. You are spectacular. Much love and huge hugs! โค๏ธ

    • Thanks Leigh. It means a lot to have this space and these fellow betrayeds who get it. I know. I know in my head that the future is bright. But my heart is in a world of pain – I just try to acknowledge it, and keep my head up and eyes in the direction I must now head xxx

  11. Paula, you are as ‘sound as a pound’.
    So many positives; libido back, casting off the emotional shackles that have tortured you, knowing yourself better, coming through and out the other side and with Degrees to top it off.
    Timing! – yes, so important and not the outcome for which you had latterly hoped however that is perversity of life. Something to entertain the Gods! A different future for you hopefully free of angst and the corrosive wormy doubts.
    In your blogs, the consistency of your love for Roger rings out and it is a mark of the redoubtable woman you are that that is still omnipresent.
    You have astutely recognised that he is needy, that he has not done the deep work that is required to look into himself to identify his behavioural motivations. That he lies.
    There can be no comparison between a lifetime with you as his wife and a few weeks of infrequent meetings with a ‘sticking plaster’ girlfriend. It’s limerance.
    The important thing is to be content as an individual without the need for a relationship and if one comes along it should be better than being alone. It doesn’t appear he gets that.
    If things seesaw for you in the coming weeks and he has a mind change the decision is yours. Just remember those niggles in the back of your mind and listen to your inner voice. As we all know we can love those who are wrong for our mental health and being apart is often the better safer option.
    I’m not sure I understood some of what you wrote however my interpretation was that you assured his ‘new’ girlfriend that you would not have sex with your husband and then did. You may be estranged however you are married and no explanations or contact is necessary with her. You are not his mother. She appears to be falling into a repeat pattern of dysfunctional relationships and Roger is presenting a deceitful facade. I’ll be blunt (I’m from Yorkshire!) any explanations are his not yours. Not your problems. Step away! Do you know the film Chocolat? My first image was that of the Mayor giving into temptation and being found in the window having gorged on chocolate and plastered with the stuff.

    Good luck with going back to work. Lot of empowerment there. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Thanks Nuthatch. All you say is very true. And I am aware that in his justification of what he is currently doing, he has constructed me as somewhat the villain. I won’t wear that title. I admit to mistakes. I admit to telling him that I did not know if I would ever heal enough. I admit to being truthful to the point of bluntness (I’m sure there is some Yorkshire heritage in my DNA!) But I did not cause any of this chaos. And I do not accept the label. And I know that I am fully in charge of my own future, and my own mental health. Thank you so much for your support xxx.

  13. I don’t even know what to say after reading everyone’s replies they said it all! I really thought Rog was a different guy and would wait for you Paula and I could not believe the I found someone else
    What in the word!!!
    What an ass..
    I’m so sorry Paula
    We should all fly to visit you Kat are you in?

    • Didn’t we all, NH? I knew I had reservations. I wasn’t quite sure why I was taking so long to heal – I questioned whether healing was really possible? I also noticed that all the counselling we had was directed at me – to help me heal – the thing is, he has not really ever properly taken ownership of this – he made a lot of the right noises. Anyway, nothing I can do but get on with my life. And acknowledge that it feels endlessly painful!

      My youngest daughter is home at the moment, thank God I wasn’t alone last night! Her, her BF and I are just off out to walk in the Rotorua Redwood forest – is a stunning late winter day here. I have a lot to be thankful for xxx.

    • I’m in, NH, so in!!! And I want to walk in the Rotorua Redwood Forest too! Totally wish I was there with you, Paula, and the kids. I’m one of these Oregonians who tires very quickly of the hot days of summer and we’ve had a lot of them this season! Winter in NZ sounds pretty good right now! Paula will also be visiting the beach house, NH. She promised! That’s A LOT closer for you! ๐Ÿ˜

  14. Paula, you know how I feel. Healing from the heartache will be painful, but you deserve so much more. I think we fight the same bad instincts in our men… dishonesty, just plain lack of integrity, and resentment towards their circumstances and towards us. They are children, emotionally, and often very good actors. Even though BE is changing and working at it, it still sucks, and my heart absorbs the pain. But the heart is a vulnerable organ. If BE wasn’t changing, I just couldn’t stay. You gave it your best shot, but the relationship wasn’t fatally wounded by you and it wasn’t your job to resurrect it. Rog failed. Fly high with those newfound wings! Lots of love and understanding coming from this little corner of the world! ๐Ÿ˜˜

  15. Ok. I uh… Didn’t really read the other comments. Here’s the thing. I uh… Im really happy you got your groove back. And I think rog is banking on you being Paula and catering to him in the loving way you do. Because he has never had consequences. And hasn’t. Still.

    Yknoe what? Hes a fool. Always has been.now that your mojo is back and you’re going to get all your share of the holdings and you are empowered and graduated you can start fresh and oh my god find a man worthy of you. Im glad he was less of a dodder than last time and actually owned that he is messing about. Im glad you got laid but you babe have to stop falling into that trap. Find a real man. This fool has been enough of your life. He met a lot of needs. But now he is not what you need. Im so excited that your sexual drought is over. Now go have fun. Don’t screw rog. But I hope he realized hes screwed.

    • Oh I was aware that I was using sex both as a self serving way to make myself feel good, and of the manipulative properties. Not cool. But done. And I mean done xxx. He does not. He honestly thinks this is my fault and his new romance is healing and has possibilities.

  16. You deserve so much better than him, and one day your heart and head will both understand that. Its okay that your heart is struggling now. You truly and genuinely loved him and that will need time to heal from this relationship being truly done. I know it hurts so much right now Paula but i think now or later Roger would still be who he is

  17. He’s might be a good companion, a good time in bed but he’s not a good person to be in any kind of committed relationships with.

    The timing wasn’t the problem, he is and if he had accepted your love now I am absolutely certain he would have hurt you even more later. He’s shown that he’s still a liar and a cheat.

  18. Best of everything for you Paula. I know it may not feel like it but I believe your life has just started a significant upswing!

  19. One day doll, one day….

  20. I wouldn’t like to believe ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ however unless there is true insight and motivation to change behaviour the chance of slippage is high. My estranged husband constantly says ‘he forgets’ and ‘doesn’t think’. If he can’t ‘think’ about the consequences of little things there’s no hope of trust in the big things like he conveniently ‘forgot’ he was married and ‘didn’t think’ of the consequences of exposure or my being a supersleuth that I’d find out. That’s why we’re selling our forever home and going our separate ways. I care for him but it’s me first now. We are worth more and deserve better and I can’t forgive him for brushing away my existence. You’re a strong woman Paula. You have time, life and a future. Go girl! Xx

  21. I’m sorry you’re hurting, especially after all the work you’ve done to heal. I don’t think your STBX is a trustworthy person. I know I’m only seeing him through a blogosphere lens, but if I’m being honest I’ve never though he was a trustworthy person, starting with his cheating on you with the whore back when you first starting dating. I know you gave him a pass because you didn’t consider yourselves a couple, therefore as far as you were concerned it wasn’t cheating. But HE considered you a couple–or at least said that’s what he wanted–but he had sex with her anyway, even though he knew at the time it could cost him his chance at a relationship with you. And now, when you both agreed to singleness until you’re physically separated, or at the very least honesty if that wasn’t possible, he can’t even give you that. It seems like he’s either lying and/or sneaking around in some fashion All.The.Time! I don’t mean to be unkind or disrespectful when I say this. I’ve followed your story for a long time, so I know just how hellish all of this has been for you. I don’t want to pile on to your pain. But this man has problems. Serious problems. For some reason, he repeatedly gives himself permission to please himself at your expense. I don’t know if it’s because he knows no matter how selfish his behavior, he can still count on you to be there (because let’s face it, you HAVE still been there. Even now, you’re ironing his shirts and picking out cologne for his dates) or if it’s just his own weak character, but whatever the reason, it’s clear the one person Rog always looks out for is Rog. It will always be Rog. Breaking agreements, keeping secrets, lying, sneaking around, telling you what he thinks he want to hear and then doing whatever the hell he feels like anyway–that’s not love. He may be a kind and generous soul, but he’s also a longtime liar and a cheater, and whatever great qualities he may possess, he is not treating you with love. He hasn’t been for a very long time now. You deserve a rich and happy life with a partner who keeps their word, someone you can count on. I desperately hope you get it. And I hope you know you deserve it. Please believe that you deserve BETTER than what this man is able to offer you. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    • Thank you TLM. Of course you are 100% right xxx.

      • I have been thinking about you and finally realized you could never reconcile because something was “off”. If you have the time read THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin DeBecker?. It is about trusting yourself. When a woman sees a man in an elevator and her tummy knots up she should step back but we have all been socialized to ignore red flags. We don’t want to be rude. So in to the elevator she goes. You tried. You really tried to make your marriage work but something held you back. I think it was that inner voice that told you he was not to be trusted. I agree with TLM. He has been pulling this shit from the beginning.
        You are facing the unknown, which is scary. That old “the devil you know” thought is making this last push seem so hard but you have the tools to do it. Here in the States it’s called “grit” and you have it in spades.

      • I identified this too, Moi. The instinct to put up walls and push him away was strong. Same for the old ‘friends’ who have decided to support him – known to them as ‘not taking sides’- or to Chump Lady as Switzerland friends. I know my instincts were spot on. And I was trying like hell to override them. Because He appears to be so rational and believable. Why do you think this new woman is so taken in? He talks a great game xxx.

  22. A bit of a light diversion or alternatively ‘what’s in a name?’

    Some select partners by astrology, I’m thinking names.

    I’m 61 and adopted. Last year I discovered the feckless chap who fathered me was called Ray. His surname being the same as that of my estranged husband. Curiouser and curiouser…………………..

    25 years earlier, I fell in love and had my daughter also fathered by a man called Ray (not the same one!). Another feckless man who deserted us.
    My mantra now is “Stay away from men called Ray”.

    Seven years ago, I married a man called Ken. I’m called Barbara. (never Barbie!) His trollop bore the name of one of Barbies siblings!

    Paula, I think the use of the word Roger for ‘over and out’ is international. However in the land of smut, Roger is also an archaic word for penis derived from old German meaning spear so we then get the sense of penetration and in England if not elsewhere, ‘to roger’ someone is to have intercourse. In the 19thC, roger was also the name given for toxic green gas which swept through chlorine bleach factories.

    So, what’s in a name?

    • Oh yes. When I first met him I couldn’t quite get over the fact that he was called Roger. Firstly, it is quite an old-fashioned name. Then the Rogering part. In NZ we are quite post colonial British, so the use of the verb to Roger, is well-known ๐Ÿ˜‰

  23. He his a cheater, he didn’t just meet someone that three weeks , he just saw that as the right time to let you know and make you feel guilty . …

  24. Been off the blogs for a while, so late to this…

    What the FUCK??????

    I started reading this post with mounting hope and excitement. Our Paula is going to get her happy ending after all! Yay! There is justice in this world after all.


    Oh Paula, what a shitting, horrible, fucked up situation. I don’t have the words. ๐Ÿ˜ข

    The one positive thing I see in this is that you finally got your sex mojo back. Silver linings and all that.

    Sending you much love and wishing you the life you deserve.

  25. WTF?? I knew Roger was a dumbass, lets face it, being a cheater makes you one, but really?? He is one dumb motherfucker! I’m hoping that he is just trying to shield his heart from being broken, having already broken yours. I’m not a praying woman but I’m hoping he sees the light and realizes that home is where the heart is… and if he doesn’t then I truly wonder if he was ever truly worthy of your heart. xx

  26. Paula, I felt absolutely gutted to read this post. Because even after he cheated on you, infected you with cancerous cells and lied to your face the truth is, somewhere deep down you loved him. As the man you married, the man who fathered your children, the man who pursued and loved you for years.
    I don’t actually believe this relationship with the other woman will amount to much. They sound somewhat incompatible.
    Please find your strength to rebuild once more. It didn’t kill you the first time and it will not kill you this time. You need time to mourn, for the relationship you thought was yours in the end now belongs in the past.
    I’m so sorry to see you enduring this awful heartache again.
    If you ever feel like escaping for a few days, skip across the pond. I’m here if you need someone. SWxo

    • That is an awesome offer, SW. And I might take you up on it one day. Right now I am ensuring I take great care of me. Every day. I choose positive and uplifting. And I am doing one of the South Island walks in just over a week. Solo. It will be magic! But hella hurt. Knowing I will flourish xxx.

  27. Like everyone else here, it broke my heart to read this. I’ve not been on WordPress for a long time and am reeling now from this news. What a dumbass he truly is.

    I wish you well, my friend. I’ll be praying for good things to come your way.

    • Thanks DJ. Hope you are well and happy. This is still a pretty surreal situation. He is very conflicted and very determined not to give his ego stroking, long distance thing up. Despite quite a few issues. Trying hard to keep looking after me. Interestingly a lot of people have come to my aid and are horrified by his decisions. That helps xxx

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