Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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Justice

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It is a weird world when the person who has been wronged is villainised. Especially by someone who really should know better after bitter life experience.

My previous post was shared by a reader with K. Hence me privatising my blog again, I don’t want Roger to be be shown it. You know what happened? She indicated that she thinks I am a liar. No worries about the fact that as a former betrayed wife, he started a relationship with her, lying that he was single, no worries that he was involved in a domestic violence episode with me, no worries that he is reputedly talking to other women online, no worries that he has still been sexually active with me. Umm, I am flummoxed? A former betrayed wife, who believes the cheater. I have blocked her on all means she might have of contacting me now. I imagine she has done the same to me. She was not able to receive the message. You can lead a horse to water…

So, of course, the sensible thing is to just keep moving, which I am trying very hard to focus on. I have made my first ever massage appointment, which isn’t for a while – they were very booked up – and decided to go back to counselling. I have made an appointment to talk about loss and grief, and how to learn to manage my pain levels better. This is a very embodied pain. My whole being aches. Bodily aches, very, very sore all over.

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Thanks. (But don’t do that.)

I have been prompted by a few friends to post again. I’m not really feeling it. So bear with me, please.

I made the blog private. Then reopened it today, feeling the ‘risk of exposure’ period is now over? Because some do-gooder sent K an email! And linked my last post. Gah!!! Why? Why expose my journaling of thoughts to her? I never saw the email. But Rog says it was a complete takedown of him. Thank you for the loyalty, whoever you are, but PLEASE! Don’t do that. It doesn’t help anyone.

The thing is, this woman knows he is a more-than-one-time cheater already. That he was not separated while he looked online for women. And seems to accept that as okay for her future. That is her choice. Pointing out to her that this is what he does, these are identified behaviours, is just repeating what she has already absorbed and ignored as not relevant to her. Their love is special. Hmmmm. Been there.  We were ‘special’ too 😉.

Update on me. We sold the farm in December. For March settlement. I bought a property the same day. I am trying really, really hard to be positive and excited. But I’m not. I am ridiculously, completely devastated still. And mad as hell at myself for this. I did not feel like this in 2016, when I started to think that leaving might be the best way to heal. He wouldn’t let me go. So I tried again. Harder. And finally got over the line. Felt sure I could trust him again, and the love flooded my being fully again. I felt whole again at last. Such a huge relief. But he had been searching online for 10 months when he told me he had met someone else! 10 months. Of further lies and keeping me on the hook, as he sent tens of thousands of texts to women and met a handful in person. I constantly ask why? Of course he needed a backup plan. If no one took the online bait. I needed to be second choice. While I was working hard to come back to him, he had his fishing rod, baited, hanging out the other side of the boat.

The thing is, he has issues. Don’t we all? But his were clearly identified by respected psychologists, and he chose not to do the work on himself. Instead he found a willing target to impress. Rog is really flattering. Sweet. Appears to be kind and caring. But, he isn’t. He uses these tools to captivate and charm. To manipulate YOU to feel you have chosen what HE wants. Very cunning. I feel so, so sad that l was duped. I believed him. I loved him. And worse! I still do. I don’t know why anymore? Must be far more codependent than I ever realised. Not a nice thing to recognise about yourself. But hopefully fixable. I’ve never been scared to be alone. But I really, really miss who I thought he was. I miss my best, best mate. I miss being touched. Kissed. Passionately. Lovingly.

So. Going forward. I have almost secured a nice property, with 9 acres and an Airbnb potential space. My kids are wonderful. Supportive and eyes wide open. I am very careful about how I speak to them. I have asked them all to please accept her. She is a lovely, warm woman as far as I can tell. Her only crime is believing a very accomplished liar. None want to meet her yet. One has. By mistake. And he doesn’t want to see her again yet. I think that is kinda sad, but says something about their take on their father’s multiple cheating.

We had a very quiet and calm Christmas break in the South Island, with my brother and his family. Meanwhile, Roger’s sweeter sister sent me photos during the day of Christmas with their daughters and grandson at my house. Very kind.

I lost our best couple friends. Well, honestly? She has never been a friend of mine. Is a real maggot, in fact. Second (ex-cheating) wife of Roger’s oldest mate. They were both busy befriending K almost before I even knew she existed! They believe Roger’s story that we were separated, and there is good reason for them to do so, because I thought we were heading that way a year earlier, but I healed, and never said much to people, until I was SURE I was/we were gonna be okay. I had clearly told Roger that we needed to wait until my Masters was completed, as I was feeling a shift, and we could sit down and discuss whether we both wanted to stay together or whether the damage was too great. It was clearly outlined that this MUST be communicated about, that is HAD to be a mutual decision, that one of us could not just pull the pin without talking to the other one. I told him constantly that I still loved him. But, H and his maggoty wife just believe Roger’s new version he touts, that we were done. I must have missed that memo. Such huge disloyalty after 30 years of close friendship. No loss. But it hurt nevertheless. I recently discovered H (the husband, whose first wife cheated on him and left, whom I supported fiercely throughout that difficult period in his life) had lied to me about Roger’s affair with Leanne years ago. I asked him if anything was going on. He looked shocked and said he would investigate for me. Came back the next day and said, “no. No way.” Now admits Roger did not admit outright to an affair (which by that stage was well over a year in duration) but that he admitted to inappropriate behaviour. Nice. Thanks H. Great job helping a loyal friend. Dickhead. As I said. Who needs friends like those?

But, on the upside, several genuine friends have been incredibly supportive. A good friend in the town where I have bought my new place. My Mum’s bestie cooks me dinner every Monday night. And we try to laugh.  I found out yesterday that the partner of Roger’s other best mate, apparently can’t stand Roger anymore. Hated what he did to me with Leanne. But tolerated him because she likes me. I caught up with them recently. She was gushing about my new place. She never gushes. The wife and first wife of H’s two brothers! Stunning women, both of them. Furious. Disgusted. Outraged at Roger’s lies. I am so thankful for these wonderful, genuine friends who have not bought his bullshit story. And continue to help me hold myself together through the most intensely painful period thus far.

And blogging friends, CK and owlie. Thanks. There are not the words xxx.

And that my friends, is about all I can manage today. I think I will come back here again. But the wounds are very fresh and very painful. Lots of shock and trauma still. Which has been completely unexpected. I thought another episode of cheating and lying would sever any good feelings about him. And that has not occurred yet. I must be some kind of special idiot!

All the best to those healing and rebuilding as we head into yet another year 😙