Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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Why us?

Doing well. Checking in, peeps. Hope Easter is going well for you all.

Just had a lovely dinner with an old tenant of ours. Who became a good friend. And I drove home thinking, wow. After all I have been through, I still love this man. Truly. Madly. Deeply. WTF?!

I have known this for far too long and it perplexes me. How can you really love a person who treats you so disrespectfully if you have any SELF respect? It’s weird, eh?

She shared that she was asked by her work colleague on more than one occasion, if her relationship with Roger was above board during the time she rented our farm cottage. They spent a lot of time together and texted often. She now feels guilty as they did things like go away to our holiday home together. He did that. Took ‘friends’ away without me. It was just accepted by me as a normal thing he did. He had female friends. I just trusted him. He was not trustworthy, as it turns out. She had no idea and now feels it was totally the wrong thing to do to me, and is embarrassed she put me in that position, even though she says it was not an affair.

After I arrived home, I read another dedication from a woman to her dead husband. A longing love note. Wanting to share her current success with him.

And, once again, I ask, why us? Why did he not die before I knew he was a cheater. So my memories would only be of the beautiful love. The story I believed. That we were the loves of each other’s lives? I mean, well into our third decade together, I felt that, in my soul. That we were some of the very, very few lucky ones. Who had deep, true, passionate love. Like no one else did. We were somehow special. That our love was unique, and would survive anything, as long as we were honest with each other. I wrote my dedication to him as I healed at the conclusion of my research, intending on gifting him a copy, my forgiveness and love winning in this battle I fought about how he made me feel in fucking and caring for Leanne. I knew he was ‘the one’ despite his poor choices then. I still believe he is probably the ‘love of my life,’ he just chooses someone else. Not me. Because he is broken and scared. And it aches like nothing I have ever experienced before. This loss. This gaping hole.

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Excerpt from Masters thesis acknowledgements

But, we weren’t. We were never special. He never felt the way I did. And I had no fucking idea!

Why us? Because he took the easy way out, he decided to love someone he hadn’t hurt. And Trinket decided that thirty years, three kids, memories, treasures, DEEP, DEEP love and long, hard healing, and a life together are not worth considering. Because he is GOOD at this, he has a fantastic sense of humour, is flattering, and appears to be kind and considerate when he is in the love bombing/flattery/impression management phase. He has appeared to be vulnerable, telling her he is cautious, sensitive, worried, because he knows that pulls on kind women’s heart strings. Just like the way the woman he was/is still chatting to online. He talks about compassion, empathy, understanding with her, whilst gently ribbing her, in a good natured way. All the while, he cheats and lies, convinced he is a good guy, who makes mistakes, justifying it later by saying he felt lonely. Never communicating properly. I think I will always love him, and I don’t know how to cure myself of that, other than to keep going through this hell he planted me in. with humour and kindness.

May the chocolate be of top quality this Easter, my lovelies!


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The next chapter. And an attempted synopsis of what has really gone down.

I  have moved.

I am falling totally in love with my new place. Still unpacking and finding where to put things.

I am a bit calmer, a lot less anxious, and in control of my destiny. Finally.

But I miss my love, SO DAMN MUCH, because even though it was obviously never really real, it was for me. I still love “him” just as much as ever. But, I know I am gonna be just fine.

Of course I am. I was always going to be.

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The above photo is me playing with the dining table, after I had just hung my favourite light fitting that I brought with me from the old house.

 

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A view from my covered deck back into the kitchen.

I have bought a few gorgeous items for my new home, and as I was starting to feel a little anxious about the money I was spending, I realised it was habit. I have made a budget, for setting up the new place, and am still well within it. I have invested the excess money from the farm sale already, in a spread portfolio, and am earning interest on it as we speak. I had always had anxiety about spending the money we earned, as he would always make me feel really bad about it. But, he was clever, always brilliantly passive aggressive, I wasn’t fully aware of the disapproval until it wasn’t there anymore! I never realised that until the other day, when all I felt was warm and excited about how I was going to style the new pieces for my home. I was with a very controlling man for thirty years. Who bloody knew???

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First night in new kitchen.

So, to refer back to my previous post, about some of the things I found out during the six months I had to share a house with him after he had yet another affair on me. Someone, living overseas that I know, sent me screenshots of PM conversations he had with other women. I know, I was completely mortified. I asked the person to please delete them, and not send me any more. This was late November. He was still chatting with at least one of the women he met on the dating sites! WTAF??? The amazing thing is, he talked about her kids, and NEVER mentioned ours. Not once. He is supposed to be “in love” with Trinket, and he is still chatting to/flirting with a(t least one) woman whom he met in person several times, and – apparently, from the screenshots¬† – went to her home, with pizza and wine (so, yeah, he must have been fucking her too.) I believe he has her “parked” just in case it doesn’t pan out with Trinket. This woman is younger, and more outwardly beautiful. Than either Trinket or myself. Meh, whatever.

My former best friend contacted me a few weeks ago. She had bought his stories earlier on. She wanted to apologise to me. She has realised, over the course of the last few months, that Roger has always been a lying liar, who lies, a controlling man, but SUPER clever/covert at this. She is really, really sorry she didn’t believe me at first, and has started to message me again as things have slowly become very clear to her, that I was telling the truth all along. I do not lie, but I was very traumatised by his cheating again, and I know that my irrationality in the first month or two made me look pretty erratic. I will never FULLY trust her going forward – we have been friends since I was 10 years old – but I was grateful she admitted she was very, very wrong, and she offered her support and help. She can see what his gaslighting does, how he operates now. Stay calm, rational and look assured, and everyone will believe you. That is who Roger is. He projects what he knows people will buy. I did. For nearly thirty years, until I started to question his character. And I am not usually easily fooled. A cynic by nature. Luckily I have a handful of amazing people who totally see through his bullshit. The one that I am most impressed by is a totally amazing woman, who is married to one of Roger’s best mates. In fact, this mate went down the line with Roger, to help him move. Meanwhile, his wife brought me dinner, gave me hugs, and totally cheerled me through my own move. She knows Roger is a multiple cheat, and is done with him. She says she ‘knew’ it ages ago, but had no proof, just a really strong feeling that he was who he really is. She can’t say much to her husband, as he is a bit on the fence about it, his brother being Roger’s best mate. But she messages me constantly, and has done so since September, when all of this went pear-shaped. I bloody LOVE that woman! She gets it 100%. There are so many others, more than I imagined. I think time is going to work its charm, and people are already starting to see glimpses of what really went on in my house. Of course, when you are betrayed, and you try reconciliation, you NEVER want people to see what an arsehole the cheater you stayed with really is, so you spackle like mad! You have a GREAT relationship. yes, he cheated, but it was a moment of madness (fucking LOOOOOONG ass moment!) He really is a lovely man. Really. He really is.

But, he isn’t. He is a love addict. Who cannot be alone. Who cannot self soothe. Who has to have a nanny, nursemaid, secretary, fashion adviser, etc.

Not my job anymore.

The day we moved, he took off at 1pm. Leaving me and my Dad to clean the whole house and hand over the farm to the new owners. It was intense. And at 10am that day, I discovered I was also taking the huntaway bitch (farm working dog) to my new place! Which is fine, I love her, but had not planned for that. Luckily the incoming owner was okay with me keeping her at the farm overnight as I got organised to have this extra pooch. Dad and I were not out of there until about 9pm. We went back to get her the next day, as Dad and I had sheep, a calf, all the planter boxes (Roger left a lot of the stuff he said he wanted, that I then had to either pack in my gear, or find space in the skip to throw away, including the planters.) We hauled five extra trailer loads out of there. Poor doggo was looking very sad all on her own, all her mates gone. She is LOVING the pet life at my new place!

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So, new mower purchased, delivered, paid for and test driven last night, lighting plan sorted, electrician coming early next week to sort a few things out for me, and I am planning a housewarming party for after Easter. My eldest daughter and her partner are flying in for Easter, and a celebration of her 25th birthday.

Life is good. But I don’t know that I will ever completely stop aching for what/who I thought was the love of my life. An ultimately dishonest man, who chose to leave me, and his home and family, to chase a naive widow who lives in a region he never really liked much. And although it isn’t her fault, I STILL can’t believe she carried on with him even after she was told he is a liar and was never honest with me. I could never be involved in inflicting the levels of pain I have been subject to – the levels are off the scale. He was, in fact, was promising me he would never give up on me, NEVER EVER – I found all the notes and cards he sent me during this period of him trying to make me believe he was sorry, and would never let me down, or lie to me again – all the while lying to me by having three (that I now know of) internet dating profiles, and tens of thousands of text messages to other women for almost a year before he told me he had “met someone else.” He had agreed with me that we definitely could not ever do that, that we had to be completely open and honest if we thought either one of us could not be with the other any more. He just lied, and kept looking for a “better” option than me, all the while, keeping me sweet, with sweet, loving words, and completely empty promises. He was keeping me dangling there, as his back up plan if no one took the bait. That is pretty damn cruel.

I admit, we were sexual the whole time we lived together, not stopping until he left completely. Every time it happened, I would SWEAR I wasn’t going to let it happen ever again. He even ran his hands over my bum the morning before he moved, squeezing as he lingered, the entitlement, to my body … ugh.

So, onto the next chapter. It’s gonna be amazing.

 


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Propulsion

In order to get my life back in order, I have been working very hard at finding ways to remind myself that this “love” I feel for Roger is not for the man he is today, but for a very different being than this one. For a man I thought I knew so very well. Shared my everything with. I trusted, I confided in, I relied on. A man I thought had integrity, was loving, faithful, honest and absolutely lots of fun. The man he has been these past few years does not match that description. And I am STILL having trouble accepting that maybe the man I thought he was, never really existed anywhere except in my hopes?

I know he never fully left the filter off with me now. I did with him, the good, the bad and the ugly. I wonder if he resented that? But hey, this is me. I am real, and I don’t try to project anything that I am not. Warts and all. Geez, I sound a real catch! He always had secrets, parts of himself he wasn’t honest about, or didn’t share. Thoughts, hopes, dreams, both “good” and “bad.” I don’t live that way. I tell it like I see it. But, mostly I am aware that kindness is also important.

I have some stuff I will probably share here later, some information that was retrieved and sent to me that is helping to propel me through this winding up shit, through the packing, the cancelling of services, re-connection to new ones, financial stress, and keeping my shit together for the kids (oh, and myself, of course!) This information, known since November, I recently read properly for the first time, and it indicates that I have been right not to trust him since I found out about his 18 month long affair in my homes with someone he had me convinced was our mutual friend. He is incapable of being open and honest, he only puts the good stuff on display, and has his friends (some of them formerly my friends too) totally convinced that he is genuine, has done nothing wrong, and that I am not right in the head, projecting like a boss. They are completely unaware of what I have been living with, and his rational demeanour has them totally convinced he is telling the truth. At first, I fought it, furious that these people had been duped, and didn’t believe my reality. But I have finally accepted that some people are not worth fighting either with, but especially for. I have some fantastic friends who have backed me and keep my moving forward, thank you, some of you read this blog. But there are others, who are in real life, propping me up along the way.

I won’t share it until he is gone, living in another part of the country, away from my day to day life, if I ever do at all. It is very sad, and I feel some pity for this hurting guy, who was constantly looking to women to make him feel less lonely. I understand the loneliness, I was and am also a bit lonely since the affair exploded my worldview. My choice was to try to make sense of it, learn how to live better, be better. He seems to have looked to his love addiction to soothe the pain. I thought I was doing it wrong, because I was still in so much pain, but further down the track, I healed, it just took freaking ages! He has chosen to implode a good life, with a loving, genuine woman, to see if another one he didn’t hurt will soothe HIS hurts. He may well be right. But I feel I did it the way that works best long term. I am finally mostly at peace with my journey from his affair. Even if I am thoroughly pissed at him for taking the easy way out!