So, my son asked me to come skiing with him this weekend. So nice. SOOO nice 😍
Except I buggered my knee just before lunchtime. Ugh. Anyway, struggled to drive. He has brought me down to the region his Dad lives in as was catching up with mates down here. A bit odd. But actually okay. I found some dog friendly accommodation (I had left my little dog at our holiday home near the skifield.) And am chilling here. Slept very little as knee is agonising in most positions.
It is odd. But okay, to be here.
Son was quite bright and chatty this weekend and on the drive down. It’s been really nice. I haven’t spoken much with him about ‘stuff,’ and he has zero idea that I am in the dark place. But he was yabbering away on the way here, and I discovered he doesn’t usually stay at his Dad’s if he comes down here. That was a huge surprise to me. A lot of his uni friends are from here, and he stays with them mostly.
Then he told me he has only met Trinket once. Really? Only that time he got completely shit faced drunk and his father went and picked him up and he woke up sheepishly and unknowingly in her house with a huge hangover.
That was waaaay last year!
I was super shocked. And said nothing. How bizarre? He comes down here often. He just said quietly that he just doesn’t want to know her. Just doesn’t feel anything, one way or another.
I felt…empty. Empty for my kids. They don’t wanna know her. But have to accept that she exists in order to have a relationship with their dad.
Yeah. I get it.
I have been in touch with Rog. Asked if I could see the dogs. I thought maybe son could bring them to me or something. Even that maybe I could stay with them if he was at Trinket’s. He said Trinket said she would be fine with me staying while they were at his home. Them fucking in the bed our two youngest children were conceived in, whilst I was trying to sleep nearby?
Um. No. Thanks!!! That was not what I meant! Lol. I have my dog with me, and thought maybe she could stay with her ‘sister’ and ‘brother’ dogs while he was gone. Which was very stupid of me. Anyway, move on. Found last minute, dog friendly place to stay. And it is really beautiful.
And I finally realised. Trinket is not a sweet, kind, unaware person. I thought she got it as a betrayed spouse! But being betrayed does not automatically make you a good person, as was so clearly spelled out to me by Justsosad recently (d’oh, thanks, JSS.) I didn’t really see that. Until now. I think we betrayed spouses try hard not to apportion blame to the APs. They were not the people who promised to love, cherish and be monogamous with us. I tried to make sure I assigned the ownership of cheating character to my cheater. Not some random chick he just hooked up with online. I thought she was a bit dense, and believed Roger. That no formerly betrayed woman would be happy to be assigned the disgusting badge of OW. Or whore stepmum. But no, she probably knows he is a liar and cheat, but the feel-good of his love and attention cancels any doubts, if she has any. Like drug addiction. Knowing it is bad for you, but craving that high anyway. You will ‘manage’ the drug use. Right? She is totally complicit in this. She values her high of being all loved up as more important than the thirty years of love, children, school runs, sport, school management, huge mortgages, business, slogging through mud and freezing weather with a baby strapped to your back and a screaming toddler in tow, to get cows milked and calves fed, the myriad of intensely intimate moments like him so sweetly suckling gently at my breast whilst I was lactating to feed his babies, so much challenge and damn hard work that Roger and I built. My heartache doesn’t matter to either one of them. She refuses to see the signs because she is in that stage where it is all fun, hot hot (dayum baby) sex, dressing up, clothing him, trimmed body hair, finally getting him to fix his teeth and skin and (questionable, lol) taste in eyewear, dinners, days at the races, and I now see why she didn’t let him move in! Dating is fun! You get the best of someone. They try harder! They pursue you. Finding fun activities, hikes, bike rides, shopping trips, music festivals, wine tastings, food trails, and him cooking you lovely dinners, and fucking and pleasuring you oh-so-intensely! Oh! Boy! I am slow, lol. She is clever. How to draw out the fun and games! Bloody brilliant. It makes so much sense now.