Had another shit day, and now night.
It is one year today since I handed in my Masters thesis, and the relief I felt, the pride I felt, in that achievement. The thoughts that went through my head that night, as I sipped champagne, and felt the first stirrings of hope for our future in a long time.
I talked to my friend, who is going to have Dad live with him. And I was honest, saying, hey, I REALLY need him gone. Like, yesterday. He was great, and said, no worries, he can come to my place tonight, for dinner, and he can stay the night. Respite care, lol. The room will be ready by the weekend (fuck, that is ages away…) So, when I came home from work, I breathed a sigh of relief to see his car was not here. Ph-fucking-ew! And, after the dogs had a run, I popped down to the local cinema, and saw Mary Shelley (which I really enjoyed, despite the subject matter, BTW) and when I arrived home, Dad’s car was in my driveway.
So, I came in, and made a cuppa, and offered him one. He said no thanks, and then asked me if I am okay. I went, yeah, but to be honest, just looking forward to having my space back. He came in for a hug, and I raised my arms in front of me, stepped back quickly and yelled, NO! I just can’t! He pulled back and burst into tears. Fuck. I just can’t do this shit. I am the one battling suicidal tendencies, I don’t need his shit. He is bloody too hard. And I felt like the world’s biggest arsehole.
So, I took myself off to my room, and edited my daughter’s latest geography essay, feeling like crap.
I thought a dose of Chump Lady would help, as I have been a people pleaser my whole damn life, and needed to feel I am allowed to say no when I am being taken advantage of. I haven’t dechumped myself for a while. So, I dived in.
And this comment totally said what I was feeling, about people who have been cheated on, and then turn around and cheat. With other people’s spouses. Thanks Golfgrrl.
Trinket to a tee. Feels special, because of the attention heaped on her, and oblivious to the hurt she has contributed to. I have always said, it is not an AP’s job to be faithful to me, but it sure as shit is pretty fucked to know you are involved in hurting someone else’s family the way you were hurt. To make someone feel so shit about themselves, they worry constantly they are not strong enough to stay in the world. I know he would have cheated on me anyway, with someone else, but no way on earth would I stay with a man who snuck around, and has told the lies to his partner that Roger has. Even I would see that if he lied to one woman he professed to love so much, he could not live without her (yep, he did that to me when I wanted to leave him, we were ‘meant to be’ you know) that he was not a good bet.
Do to other people what broke your heart. Sounds like a plan. Go with that. Break a leg. And a few hearts along the way.