Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Fool me twice

20 Comments

I think most of us have a good understanding of the utter shock of DDay.

You think you could not possibly ever be hurt any more than at that moment.

Let me agree with Lauren Beth here, another spouse who stayed, believing her husband wanted change. Then he cheated again. Oh yeah. This is absolutely the worst I have experienced so far. That I worked so hard against all my gut feelings that he did not do the work – rather just waited it out, as he said to CrazyKat’s Blue Eyes, when they stayed with us, “you know these women, they just need to get over it” – found my first glimpse of hope and peace, and he’d already been cheating on me again for nearly two years. While promising me he’d wait for me. Fooled me twice. Shame on me.

Lauren Beth writes, “My therapist had to work diligently with me to get me back to a semi functioning human the first time I discovered my husband cheated. This second time around is worse, and I am thankful I remember what she taught me. I would be in a mental hospital if I did not have the tools I was provided. If you have been through this then you know that at some point most of us end up in the hospital.

Fuck. Yes. I have come close. Today I had to get a couple of stitches where I cut too deeply. My mind just could not stop imagining them together, fucking in my bed at the lake, where he made intense love to Leanne. And Trinket. Probably others. And stupid old one lover me. The crappiest sex partner ever apparently. Go me. Lying there in his arms, breathing in his intoxicating scent. Such dumb bliss I always felt. None of it was even real. I tried distraction. Music. Exercise. Holding ice on my wrist until I couldn’t bear it anymore. Damn blade slipped and I tried to apply pressure. But it really did need a bit of a tidy up. I couldn’t stop it bleeding, just two little stitches to stick it back together. And some bullshit story about slipping after work with some supplies, not knowing there were some sharps incorrectly disposed of, whoops, silly me.

Generally the cuts have been superficial. Not too often. I did get rid of the scalpel blades tonight though. This cannot escalate FFS. If anyone other than my new shrink knew…Jesus. It really is the most bizarre, embarrassing and scary thing. Like I have no control over my own actions. Totally an out of body experience. Middle class mother, employee, outwardly sensible and healthy person. Yeah. WTAF? Just fucking stop.

20 thoughts on “Fool me twice

  1. Yes, please stop. PLEASE!

  2. Reading this makes me realize that my ex did right by me by not trying to makes things work (as much as that hurt). I have no doubt he would have continued cheating — actually he told me he would. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
    ♥️

  3. ❤ That's a VERY kind thing you've done for yourself today! It's what you would do for you, if *you* were your dear friend. 😉

    • I’m scared, insist. I never expected this.

      • If it’s ALL you can do, you sit right there, drink gallons of lukewarm tea, cry, be numb, watch some Midsomer Murders, fall asleep, drink ice water, make a runny egg and eat with a piece of toast and salad and onion. Cheese. Olives. Ice cream. Sleep, cry, and stay alive. That’s all you have to do is keep being… wait for the nothingness to come. Be empty in it but BE, Paula. Don’t you dare stop *being,* from the cruelty of that fucking prick. Goodness will fill up that emptiness eventually. Slowly but surely, it will start filling up again.

        You just keep on staying here. PLEASE. You can. ALL your strength, refocused from “seeming fine” for everyone else’s benefit to you.staying.here. Right now.

      • I do, insist. I really do need to work hard on me. I am trying. I also do need my job, so I need to be functional too. I am determined to beat this. I am fucking so much better than this. I have three kids who need one non cheating parent! Fighting xxx.

  4. I often feel like a fool too. Being betrayed, then working to heal and “right the ship” only to be betrayed again is indeed the worst feeling ever. I may have an answer to the “why” it happened to me in the technical sense (sex addict), but no answer will ever be satisfactory – or even helpful, frankly – to ease the agony of the more emotional, heart rending “Why me? Why/ how could you do this to me?” I’ve just answered those questions myself by saying “because he is more broken and damaged than you ever realized.”

    From afar, I feel like the same is true of Rog. It’s not that others are/ were better or that he was unhappy with you. He and his harem are just a bunch of really damaged and broken people who have left scorched earth in their wake. (I could write a cheesy sentence here about you rising from the ashes like a phoenix, but…) I’m glad you threw away the blades. I feel like that was a big, necessary step in the right direction. Just keep heading that way as best you can. ❤ ❤

    • Much as I see the agony of sisters dealing with sex addiction, blsckacre, I almost envy that. As an explanation. Of course I don’t really. But it seems that is mostly about getting a physical sexual hit. Less emotional connection. The fact Roger falls in love with other people makes me feel so worthless. I do know on an intellectual level it is his brokenness, that I am a great partner and good person, but it devalues – wipes out – my life’s work. I mean nothing. I know only to him..I know my value is not measured by him. But it is the thing I worked so damm hard at my entire adult life. I sacrificed career etc to love him. To support him. I always saw us as successful, not because of economics, but we loved each other and were happy. We were gonna be that couple holding hands, smooching, well into our dotage. We had so much in common. So many fantastic shared memories. So much to look forward to. He just cut and pasted Trinket into the picture. She gets all the romance and love I earned and deserved.

      He said on so many occasions, you never deserved this. Then why fucking do it again? Cunt move.

      • Definitely a cunt move. And I get where you’re coming from on the sex addiction diagnosis as an explanation. For me, I think it’s why I can kind of write off or get past the whores my husband acted out with, but I struggle so mightily with The Flame. He pined over her (unbeknownst to me) for decades. Had an emotional affair with her once. Got caught. Swore up and down it would never happen again…. and then did it again. She’s in a different category than all the others. Knowing that he apologized to her for my “over-reaction” to the initial emotional affair (such a dick move), and then a few years later called her up and started Round #2 of the emotional affair? Well, it just completely devalues me in a way that the whores who were just orgasm aids do not. I can’t tell you how much therapy time I’ve got under my belt trying to deal with that.

      • I hear you! Loud and clear. Was not crazy before this shit. Honestly! 😂

  5. So glad you did that Paula. 💞

  6. Paula…..😢😢😢😢😢

  7. I sleep with a lot of married men…so I know how bad men suck. Ladies need to keep very close eyes on their husbands. I wish most married men that I sleep with would tell me “No’ INSTEAD of having sex with me.

    • I am not, and will not ever be the marriage police, jenny. If they wanna fuck around, me surveilling them closely is never going to stop them. They will find a way. Love me honestly, or not at all.

      I am a pretty liberal person, polyamory is absolutely fine if you both know it is going on, and there are clear and agreed boundaries.

      This is on them. If you want an open relationship, or polyamory, negotiate that up front. Don’t pretend monogamy and deceive people who love you.

      What do you get out of sleeping with married men, may I ask? Is it the distance, unavailability, and therefore, ‘no strings’ that you find attractive?

      • I don’t seek out married men. They hit on me and if I find out while we talk if they are married then that’s on them. But I don’t seek out married men…I live in a city that has a lot of conferences and many times married men hit on me when I’m out and about. I love sex so if I find a man sexy I’ll have sex with them.

      • I also LOVE sex. But find it utterly repugnant to sleep with a lying, cheating asshole. I could not participate in another woman’s misery.

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