Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

I thought I had a good one.

6 Comments

I really did. I did due diligence. I asked about his family’s attitudes about cheating. It concerned me that his sister broke up a marriage and that was acceptable to his family.

I thought because he had been cheated on, and told me how incredibly hurt he was, that he would never inflict that on anyone else, let alone me, whom he appeared to love so very much.

But. He was always needy. That seemed lovely to start with. So attentive. Missed me so much when we were apart. Adored me, my pregnant body. My post pregnant body. Loved my engorged, lactating breasts, helping himself to my breastmilk. Lingering over my body, my breasts throughout the years. I felt so very, very wanton, sexy, treasured, cherished, and valued.

It felt so very real.

It would last forever.

I was so very loved, and needed.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8955968/relationship-expert-types-men-avoid-dating-relationship/amp/

And you remind yourself, when desperately fighting the urge to stop the pain, permanently, that the wonderfulness of “them” is the honeymoon period, and the fact that they don’t actually permanently live together, they are effectively dating, albeit no doubt pretty much living together, despite having no mutual friends or long, deep history and understanding of each other’s backgrounds. And as Roger admitted many times to me, he and Leanne only lasted as boyfriend and girlfriend as long as they did 35 years ago, because they lived in different locations.

Conversely, we worked – mostly so beautifully – for three decades despite living and working together.

Love bombing is a huge tool he uses. Tenderness, humour, fucking smoking hot sex, to forge feelings of deep connection in the target of his latest affections. Constant messaging. Constant touch. Constant sex.

Swoon.

Still battling. Still fighting hard to stay. Bleeding xxx.

6 thoughts on “I thought I had a good one.

  1. I know that feeling too. I thought that I had done thorough due diligence as well. Handsome had also been cheated on and discarded in his last marriage and seemed so devastated by it (or so I thought… more likely she just started to live her own life when he reverted to his addict behavior). We had all of the hard discussions before we got married – numerous times – about just leaving and exiting gracefully before causing damage and our allegedly mutual high expectations of our life partner. When push came to shove, he he did nothing he promised. He chose to lie and deceive rather than have a hard conversation, let alone confront his addiction. I ask myself often how any of us could have avoided this fate, and I’m sad to say I don’t have an answer. So many of us really tried to pick smartly, and I couldn’t begin to guess how to advise my daughter to avoid this same scenario.
    ((hugs)) xo

    • There really are no guarantees, blackacre. You can only advise what you have learned. Some of these guys are just too good. They know all the tricks to convince us, as I was very savvy, and thought I knew how to avoid a cheater.

  2. I thought I’d picked a safe man, too. One who would treat me well, no matter what. Who had integrity, was fair, supported me. He did all of those things ….until he didn’t. The loss of what I thought i had was far worse than what i truthfully lost. That man was a coward, and selfish, and would never be the man i needed. But I’d chosen him, and would have stuck by him no matter what. It sucks to know what the reasons for which I chose him weren’t enough, in the end. I thought I was so smart. I was wrong.

    • Oh yes! So much! The loss of what we thought, the genuine man, when they never cared enough not to cheat when the going got tough. That they judged US, the loyal ones, as “not enough.”

      Riiiiiiight.

      Thanks Lanen. So well stated.

  3. You (and none of us) are responsible for what they did – ZERO culpability.

    Mr. P was also cheated on by his first girlfriend – and he was DEVASTATED (absolutely devastated). This is actually what started his addictive behavior – a need to feel wanted, loved, desired; everything ANTI rejection.

    Not your fault, nothing you could have looked out for or asked differently. HE did this, he did what you could have never imagined. You couldn’t ave done anything else or different.

    • I know, SSA. And I thought if he did it again, I’d leave thankfully, and be okay.

      I wonder about the versions of these guy’s pasts we got. I do know Leanne really did cheat in him, her old flatmate is a friend of mine. She blew the whistle to Rog. But, was he also messing around? He was on me from just weeks after we met. Fucked his ex then. Is it a case of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander? Do as I say, not as I do? Maybe they were devastated to be cheated on. But cheaters are too.

      And, Roger admitted many times during our years of reconciliation that he thought he was devastated by her cheating. Until he saw how utterly wiped out I was by his, and there was no comparison. As he said, two years of long distance, with a woman who was honestly a bit of a bitch, versus over twenty years, sacrificed career, three kids, a huge mortgage, deep, deep love and trust, etc. Even he admitted no contest. At least he didn’t have her do it again to him. He stayed with her briefly, then kicked her to the curb.

      Or did he?

      Such a mind fuck.

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