Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Pub quiz. Big night out


I go to a pub quiz most Tuesday nights.

Hey, it’s a small town!

Last time we won, which was hilarious. And tonight, second. Gets us a decent bar tab …

Best quote of the night by one of my friends?

“Imagine having to be the woman who broke up a thirty year marriage, forevermore. That would fucking suck!”

Lol. Yep. Good times.

Of course it takes two to tango. I know that. I just remain silent if someone says anything now. Change the subject, talk lightly about something else entirely.

But, yeah, I know I would feel like that if a cheating man duped me into loving him when he already had a partner and family. My friend who found out a few months back about her new boyfriend’s wife felt that way. That even though she had totally fallen in love with him, she didn’t want to continue on with a liar. She is still struggling with how she feels, and how he had her convinced. But remains no contact.

Most people don’t get it. They think, hey, you “lost,” weren’t good enough, the “better woman” won. Hard to be the “better woman” after three kids, three decades and every day life, trying to heal yourself with and for a man who cheated on you, when a new, shiny, uncheated-on-by-him woman shows up online.

You’re always gonna come second in that race, when you didn’t know you were entered in one.

I have stolen the below picture/quote from Creative Rational, it is gorgeous and heartbreaking, and feels about right, if you take it literally – which of course, is not the point. However, I came along after his heart was broken by Leanne cheating on him, and thought I helped him heal, with our beautiful love story. Now he is forgetting me, choosing anyone but me.

45 thoughts on “Pub quiz. Big night out

  1. She didn’t break up your relationship, your partner did. If it wasn’t Trinket, it would have been someone else. Anyone but you – that’s the choice ROGER made, not another woman. Stop blaming Trinket when you’re laughing and joking with him.

    • You have obviously missed my many posts about the culpability of the partner who promised fidelity, Kim.

      Yes, they are the perpetrators, absolutely.

      No question.

      They broke promises, lied, and deceived their faithful “life partner,”

      However, if affair partners kept out of other people’s relationships – not getting involved with taken men or women – that would be just marvellous, and I don’t think it is a lot to ask. I wouldn’t start something with a man who lives with the mother of his children. Even if he said they were having problems. Or, worse, were “separated.”

      So yes, Roger was obviously looking for “anyone but” me, as you so kindly point out. However, being told that truthfully, openly,, rather than him writing me love notes and cards right up into the secret online quest for a replacement, into the beginning of his involvement with Trinket, that is pretty crazy making stuff. Unless you have been in a position similar to mine, being told you were loved and treasured, while your love is actively seeking “anyone but,” you really cannot understand. See some of the psychology literature about the damage done to a faithful partner’s brain. How society (including you, it seems) love to blame the victim, it must have been my fault he kept cheating, it else it might happen to you, too, right? I think that is a perfectly understandable self protection mechanism married people use, but it sure as shit makes a faithful, betrayed partner feel like shit. Thanks for that.


      All I asked, after he cheated with Leanne, was for openness and honesty. All most partnered people ask is that other people please respect their relationships, and to not contribute to causing agonising pain to a faithful partner.

      I think I deserved, earned, some empathy, compassion and fidelity. By Roger.


      But also by a woman who had this happen to her, and I thought would certainly understand that I had no idea, and would back off until he was truly single, if that really was what he wanted. Telling me that would have been far better than cheating on me again. Surely?

    • Wow. Aren’t you the heartless witch. Trinket KNOWS the truth…hell…perhaps YOU are Trinket…trying to defend your “honor?!” LOL!
      As women we should stand together, against the users and abusers…but nope…not Trinket…she decided that she’s gonna get the “prize” AKA Roger…because she is selfish and could care less that maybe, just MAYBE if she’d stepped aside, the relationship MIGHT have been saved.
      She believes his lies that they are over…all while he’s still trying to romance Paula…oh and then when she didn’t accept his lies, he beat her up and choked her. Yeah…what a prize he is. Good luck with that Trinket!
      Personally, I’m glad Paula is free from Rog. He’s a liar, a cheat and an angry abuser who beat up his partner…she deserves MUCH better….her broken heart will heal in time, and she will get the happiness she so deserves.
      And Trinket will still have her lying, cheating abuser “prize” LOL! Now THAT is justice!! 😀

    • Late to the game but props for being a sad troll. Plenty of blame on Rog. But this woman is an idiot of epic proportions and has no scruples. That can be said while still thinking rog is an absolutely awful tosser

      • Hehehehe. Cheers, CR. You know it. I think Kim probably also believes that because I walked home from a party once with a male friend, I deserved to be viciously raped.

      • Maybe not because you walked home. Probably because you went to the party. Or maybe your clothes

      • 😉. Yeah, my jeans were too tight, and I had two glasses of wine. Sheesh, what was I thinking?

        The worst of it is this. When we do have these things happen to us, even WE question. I asked myself what I “did wrong” after I was raped. And I KNEW it was nothing – ie, wasn’t drunk, I’m not a flirty girl, I was not wearing revealing clothes, I didn’t walk home alone in the dark – all victim blaming tropes. And even if I did, I did NOT ask to be raped!

        I was not the perfect partner. But I gave it absolutely EVERYTHING I had. I tried BLOODY hard. I put him and my family first. I tried to forgive him, learn everything I could about building a new, better relationship after he cheated on me for a long time. But, what was it I did wrong?

        I trusted him to be honest. To not expose me to further STIs. To love me better and harder. That is my regret now. That I slowly taught myself to trust again, but with clearly defined boundaries, and he blew me out of the water.

        So no, I won’t be bullied into taking the blame for this.

  2. If Trinket chooses to believe Roger and believe in him, that’s her choice. She doesn’t have to take your account over his – (and why is your view of your relationship with Roger the ‘true’ one anyhow – because you say so?) – so, why don’t you let go and move on? I’m saying this for YOUR recovery and mental health, not because I’m a Trinket supporter.
    It’s obvious that you take things on face value and live in a world of extreme black and whites, that was always going to end badly.
    And people can call me a troll all they like but I’m most likely saying what the majority of people in your life don’t have the guts to say to your face.
    Your comments about Trinket’s body, physical appearance and sexual performance are spiteful. Who cares if Roger said them first – he probably did that to calm your raging insecurities and to answer your very pointed and leading questions.
    And your comments about me likely blaming you for being raped – pathetic.
    You are choosing to remain a victim to Roger, you didn’t choose to be raped!
    You can be held accountable for the first yeah but never the second but hey, you’ve gotta demonise me to dismiss my view so knock yourself out.
    My whole point is this – why do you keep loving and mourning a man that patently doesn’t give a shit about you and most likely never has? Stop calling it grief and loss and start seeing it as having been a victim of emotional abuse and MOVE ON. It’s utterly disrespectful to yourself that you keep yearning for your abuser – or who you thought he was. The latter is no excuse for your extreme emotions about him because you know the truth.
    I’ve had my own experiences of trauma, I’m not speaking from a vacuum.
    You keep talking about how strong and independent you were, it actually doesn’t come across that way. You seemed quite subjugated and very codependent. And now you have some sort of Stockholm syndrome going on.
    Trinket and Roger are living their best life. Live yours, authentically and feel blessed to have so much in your life.

    • Hi Kim. I agree with much of what you say. In that I am healing from this. In my real life. This forum is where I put the hard stuff. The stuff I am hurting with, so I don’t hurt people in my day-to-day life. I am in therapy, learning again to process what Rog chose for me, so I can take my power back, can live well, and recover. I had major health setbacks last year that delayed my mental and emotional healing, as I battled those.

      I don’t believe Trinket has to believe – or even hear – “my” account. My account is really what happened to ME. I am very aware we all have our own truths.

      If you read anything about people advising healing people to “let go and move on,” you will soon learn that we are DESPERATELY trying to do so, and that our feelings being dismissed by such language doubles down on the hurt.

      It seems you have also surmised what conversations were had between Roger and myself.

      I ask myself that same question daily. I realise he doesn’t love me. I realise that means he probably never really did.

      And that is some hard shit. Because you have to rewrite your history, and all you believe. You have to learn to accept that all you gave was in vain.

      And yes! I have written about Stockholm Syndrome and BWS here, on the 8th of May last year. I am aware. I am working on it all with a very expensive, very experienced psychologist.

      I do feel blessed. I do have much good. I practice mindfulness and deep gratitude every single day. This blog is where I put the hard down, so I can live. And I really mean that.

      Live. As in not hurt myself.

      This is a PROCESS! Not an instant fix. Read a little about grief, please, it doesn’t bloody well disappear on demand.

      I appreciate your comments, thank you. Please do note that I did not call you a troll. However, many readers and bloggers here have their radar finely tuned to detect cheater apologists and “other women.”

      This is an ongoing process, and it will take some time. I know there will always be great grief, but am trying to learn to weave it into the fabric of my being. I have my oldest friend grieving the loss of her young son, and no one ever says, “get over it” to her, and I hope they never will. It is a big loss to me, even if others don’t see it that way. This was my personal worst case scenario. My death. And I have lost many people close to me, I also know trauma. This one has got me worse than any of the other things that happened to me, I thought I was stronger than this, so I understand you are trying to help – and understand trauma. I also understand your comment about me constructing my identity as strong and independent, but that tumbling down around me ears when faced with this. That is why I am getting EMDR, to retrain my brain from the belief systems I have installed, due to being with Roger since I was 20, and having MY version of our love story, which he obviously disagrees with.

      And, I still believe taking on a man whose partner did not know “they were separated,” was terribly unkind, and caused the pain to be deeper. It took advantage of me when I was terribly vulnerable. He had promised never to hurt me again. And yeah, fear, fear is always driving me, and it never used to. I fear if he never loved me, then it seems so hard to take that another woman is capitalising on all the hard work I did to try to get him to be a better man – that stings so badly, and we discussed that during reconciliation, please do not leave me and be better for someone else after all you put me through, please. So, yeah, that causes a lot of pain. And with pain and grief, comes anger, in cycles. I put the anger here, again, so I don’t hurt my children, or my real life friendships. My grieving mother friend is in an angry phase at present. It is normal, and cycles around.

      It sure looks like you think you know a lot about this, and if you believe that the discussions about sex with Roger and Trinket were from pointed and leading questions, so be it. Please do be aware that I don’t believe that, at that stage, he was sharing his “new love” stories with his best mate, me – which of course is absurd – and maybe on both our behalves. I was trying to understand, and let go if he was not going to love me the way I deserved to be. You don’t stay with someone for thirty years, believing you are loved, if it was a bad situation. We genuinely like each other – or used to. I thought he was having a moment, would talk it out, act out, if necessary, and come back to me at that stage, as he did before.

      I was so wrong.

      I also know that life is not fair, we can’t control or make other people love us.

      Please read my post that included some beautiful, insightful words from a friend, of the 12th of May, titled “For Those Who Don’t Understand.” I get it. But I am still processing a lot. Trinket and Roger had more time than me – they were all in, and I was playing catch up on my new reality. It was a cruel way to end things with me.

      All of this knowledge does not remove the pain of this process. Believe it or not, I am not a bad person, I am a good mother, a good friend, a good employee, a good member of society, and I believe I was an exceptional partner. Roger himself, while having moved on, acknowledges that, and that I didn’t deserve this pain. That he brought it all down on me. I appreciate his acknowledgement of that, even if he did hurt me again.

      If you met me in person, you would not know my hurt. I have not barraged Trinket, or Roger with any of my hurt. I have sounded off here, and to a very select group of trusted friends. This space is for my healing, and to share the frustrations with fellow betrayeds, who understand. No one else does, nor can.

      • Beautifully said Paula. Kim is a plant, either Trinket herself, or a friend…or maybe Rog even…trying to defend his horrific abuse! Whoever it is…they really don’t care about you or the pain that Rog AND Trinket caused…and they need to just move on. It’s your blog, you can post whatever you chose.
        I’d not respond “to her” anymore….people like that are not worth it. ❤️

      • I think Kim means well, Terri. She can see I am hurting and most people want to help.

        I won’t delete or block as I think healthy, respectful discussion can be helpful. Both to the hurting betrayed, but also to those who think you “just get over it.” Yes, this was emotional abuse. It was very out of character from what I knew of the father of my children. Something in him broke, and he believes being needed by Trinket will fix that. Selfish, indeed. But, what he chose rarely had much to do with my wellbeing. I see that now.

      • You have class. I have claws

      • It’s just all part of the recovery journey, CR. I know Trinket isn’t a bad person, but her part in it was not very well thought out after I informed her I didn’t know he was “out” and dating other women. I had bought right back in, as I promised I would try to. That thesis writing trip was such a healing slog.

        Anyway. Healed pretty well once, know I can do it. It’s happening. Just a very slow, painful process, much like my labours! Never do anything the easy way 🤣

    • “Kim”….whoever you are….you are a very cruel person. Very, very cruel.

      • I think Kim just doesn’t understand the level of pain, or the process of healing, and how long it takes if you don’t sweep your hurt under the carpet. I am told my process is healthy and normal, and that I am slowly making progress (except for the self harm, of course which I am uber aware of!)

    • Really? Let it go? You let it go after some asshole lies to you and gives you diseases that lead to life threatening cancer and then pledges to be better and gaslights you. Yep. Sure. Wake up next day, change the sheets and it’s all better, because he’s moved on with someone else. Sure.

      Turning your life inside out, and undoing the gobs and gobs of damage done takes a lot of courage, a lot of work, and yes- introspection. Realizing and accepting that you feel for and want and love that person who basically decided you were dispensable . Because the only way to get over the near brainwashing is to dissemble it. And that takes a lot of acceptance and courage and work, and yeh- relying on peers.

      Your hubris and glut of good sense and really fucking easy supposed solutions are just dandy. When as a child I lost a slipper, or a secondary toy. I could be distracted and chided into getting over it.

      This goes bone deep- literally and medically in the case of this woman who has supported me from a world away when all I wanted was to shrivel up, she has been my confidante and rock, and helped me stand. So… no. Your opinion of what she needs to do? How to do it? Until you’ve been here… it’s platitudes and maybe some chewing gum. The pat on a head and pinched cheek you give to a child when they don’t get the toy they wanted of the dispenser… it doesn’t work here.

      This shit takes time and this is a fairly tiny quiet space to do it, where we support each other. You don’t like that HRC has very real feelings for this woman who seems frankly quite base given her decisions? Well. Don’t come read. Not that hard. You say these responses, I will continue to remind you that trinket is morally bankrupt, and yep, the fault lies with Rog but wow, that means trinket is really standing by a winner. Let me roll that turd in more glitter before she picks him up again

      • Thank you. I needed this, CR. Being told I am doing it wrong always fucks with my anxiety, despite my confidence and my shrink reassuring me that I am doing the right things for me to become as whole as possible again. It sweeps me right back into, why didn’t he love me, and care about my wellbeing? He just doesn’t. Because he has transferred any love he MIGHT have felt for me, to her. I can’t change that. I spent seven months hoping he would see me as the soulmate he told me I was. It just got too hard for him.

        And being told that I am spiteful, with my sharing comments shared with me about my “rival’s” body – yeah, I know, it isn’t supposed to be a competition – (hello betrayed partner over her, a bit pissed a woman was secretly messaging and fucking my love) and to just be happy they are living their best lives? That I have “raging insecurities?” Oh hell yeah! I loved one man. One man has seen me fully naked. He rejected me, chose other naked bodies. I own my raging insecurities. But I know what triggered them.

        That Trinket is fine to believe him, and believe in him? Fuck! So did I! For so long, and convinced myself he had made a monumental out-of-character fuck up in shagging his ex for a year and a half. Um, okay then, all fine that Trinket believes him. Only Trinket’s feelings matter now. I forgot. Don’t worry about me bleeding over here, I am trying to staunch the flow myself, mop up the mess. I’m just so happy everyone else is having a really great time.

        Deliberately causing physical pain is generally frowned upon, emotional pain is fine as long as the perpetrators are blissfully happy..Silly me.

        I didn’t imagine that we were good together. Because we genuinely were. We made beautiful children. We laughed, shared a lot of commonality and interests. Until he opted out. Telling me that would have been the kind thing to do. To keep secrets, cheat on me again just as I was getting to the end of my healing journey was super sneaky and just cruel. Even if it’s true he never loved me, we were happy. Very, very happy. He chose to mess with that. It’s not something I made up. But, I do fully understand and accept that he was obviously done long before he thought to let me know.

        And getting swept into the anxious pool by the tide, that is not helpful when trying to be a ballsy survivor, and not the pussy I have (been told by Kim, like I hadn’t noticed) become xxx.

        Cheating is all deeply unpleasant. Nice women are turned into villains. And I mean both of us. I know Trinket is a sweetheart. But fuck! I’m a good person, too! Why? What did I do to her?

        Roger did a terribly cruel thing in not telling me, and getting involved with a nice little widow before he’d dealt with the relationship his partner thought they were still in!

        Yeah, I’m a pussy, and Trinket was strong and kicked her cheater out multiple times.

        Just like me! I think I kicked Rog out less often, and for longer periods as I tried to work out whether he could change, or loved me.

        But did just as I did, taking him back when he was upset. I get it. We are both weak as piss. I’m trying to work on that.

      • That’s my girl.

  3. I know about pain Paula and trauma. A lot more than what you’ve been through – yes, even factoring in the rape, the massive betrayal of soul rape by your life partner and the cancer caused by same. This isn’t the pain olympics though so I don’t need to reel off my hell on life experiences but, I’ve had them and had them HARD. The difference between you and I is that I did not blame the OW. Why should I? She owed nothing to me. Yeah yeah yeah, you can do the whole – she’s not THE perpetrator but damn she’s no innocent, passive bystander either and owes me garden variety human decency not to fuck my love at a rock bottom minimum etc etc – but seriously? She owes you nothing. You took back Roger after he fucked Leanne a mere handful of weeks into your relationship. Trinket took Roger in after a 3 decade relationship with you. You both excused the cheater and believed his lies and loved him anyway. Is she more culpable because she destroyed a 30 year odd partnership? Clearly yes in your eyes and those of your enabling followers.
    But again, she owed you nothing. If she chooses to believe his “lies” then so be it. That’s not her fault and is not an indication she’s stupid, shallow, unethical or has no value as a person. You keep saying yourself how believable he is and how astoundingly good he is at conning people. So, she’s been conned. Why blame her for a blindness you had for most of your relationship with him? Should she be a better person than you were and throw him out when you yourself took him back more than once?
    I’m not ripping into you for no reason ok? I’ve experienced horrors that you could not imagine enduring but what’s gotten me through is hating the perpetrator not the peripheral players who in their own way are damaged and have been used and lied to by the same perpetrator.
    I wish you well.

    • Hi. One of Paula’s “enablers” here… just my opinion, but the theory that other women/ affair partners owe the spouse nothing reeks of the same individualistic entitlement as the anti-vaxxer movement. You get vaccinated because, as a member of the herd, you have moral obligations to do no harm to other members of the herd. Disregarding those obligations is selfish and unconscionable, not because of the harm to the anti-vaxxer (enjoy your measles!!), but because by spreading disease you undermine the health of countless others and put the herd at risk. Similarly, as members of society, common morals dictate that we should not seek to undermine or destroy other relationships or families for our own personal pleasure. We are not entitled to chase our pleasure or our passion no matter the cost to others. “Win at any cost” is neither healthy nor productive and ultimately undermines the fabric that holds society together. Do people become affair partners all the time? Of course. Does it somehow make it right? No way. Suggesting that the affair partners are entitled to do what they do because they don’t owe anyone anything? That’s BS.

      • Bravo, BA. Exactly. I don’t, for a minute, “blame” Trinket. Roger has proven his inability to stay faithful, to seek out the validation of other women, his entire adult life, so I know now. He wants to be faithful. He constructs his identity as a good, faithful, loving man (on hearing our therapist thought he was a love addict, replied to me, “but isn’t being so loving a good thing?”) Unfortunately, when the going gets tough…all I say about OW is if they backed away from partnered men (and same for other genders and sexualities) it would give people the space to work out whether they wanted to be together, or not. In an honest and open manner. Not sneaking around, hurting those who don’t choose other people as the easy way out, never being alone.

        The irony to me is how sniffy Rog was about how his best mate went from one wife, who cheated and left, straight to the next one. Literally the next day, his ex SIL turned up. And they’ve been making each other miserable, ever since 🤣. No time to breathe. No time to do any self reflection. Just fill another hole. Literally and figuratively.

        And so, Rog did the same. No breathing room. No recovery time. Do anything to avoid feeling any pain.

    • I do not blame her, Kim. You have missed the point. You have that wrong. I have explained how stupid I feel, conned for 30 years. Stupid for giving waaaay too many chances. It has deconstructed my view of myself. I thought I would immediately kick a cheater out and be pleased to be rid of him. I’ve been weaker and less than I imagined I was.

      To be clear, I did not think Roger and I were anything but a summer fling when he fucked Leanne at the beginning. It was literally a couple of weeks after we met. And I had a conversation with him then, where I said I was out if he still had feelings for his ex, and that I realised I wanted exclusivity or nothing at all. He agreed then.

      I agree re: pain Olympics. And there is more to my story than a rape and a cheater. Parts of the puzzle that make the whole fuck up of who I became. That is the point of therapy. To unpack the ways, to rewire the brain.

      I don’t deny Trinket has been fully charmed. That woman had a shit for a husband, and now has someone who is loving and attentive. Why wouldn’t she believe him? He picked her, precisely because of that damage and her vulnerability. She will try harder. It’s what she does. I get it.

      You also miss the point of this blog. This is where the shit goes. When I am processing and aching. I am also doing a fuck load of work on myself. Again. Like I did for years after his 18 month long affair with our “friend.” This is a dumping ground, and a way I have constructed to purge when I want to end the oh-so-fucking-painful fight for life. For peace. The process is long and hard, I’ve taken this much harder than I imagined. I have seen some people walk away with such dignity, and others fall apart completely. I have fallen apart, privately, here. But have fought to appear as dignified as possible IRL, To show grace, gratitude, kindness and imagined strength in the face of what has floored me far harder than most people would deem “appropriate.” I also felt the way you do. That I have overreacted. But this is how I have been affected after fighting with my inner voice for so many years, is he genuine? Is he going to do it again? Should I have left earlier? I allowed him to take my power. Over and over. And I am livid at myself for that.

  4. Kim, take your haughty, arrogant, spiteful, superior, hateful self (I can definitely see that “what’s gotten you through” is hating)and go away.

      • I think we are done. I do understand her POV. Just don’t think bitch slapping is particularly effective in this kind of recovery. According to the therapy I have received, intermittently, over the last decade, I am my harshest critic, and beat myself up constantly for not being “Like Kim.” I thought I was, once. Had no idea I would be so completely felled by a cheating partner.

        But I have been.

        And I need to keep replanting, nurturing and to stop bashing myself around for being such a fucking dumbass.

      • …and you are doing that. It is so incomprehensible to me that a complete ‘stranger’ (unlike all of us Paula 😉😉) believes that it is acceptable to bitch slap anyone with judgment and criticism, let alone someone who is in agony and being so brave. 😖

      • But that is just it, really, jangled. How misunderstood it is until you are in it. And every personality deals with things differently. We are the sum total of our life experience, our history, our FOO, etc. I had a particular set of circumstances that made me DETERMINED I wasn’t going to be a “victim” or have a cheatung partner. Determination cannot change other people or their actions, unfortunately. I did think I had communicated, very forcefully, my need for fidelity, to feel safe in the world. Maybe that information was just ammunition to hurt me most? I dunno. All I know is, this takes enormous time, effort, will, to heal from. My human frailties include the awful fact that I am weaker and more codependent than I realised. And I hate myself for it. But accept it is who I became as part of the compromise you make in any relationship. I fought it. I raged against not being given more say, more autonomy. But, ultimately, I folded, because I loved him very deeply, and I guess, didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t ever believe he was capable of inflicting such wicked pain on anyone, let alone me, his beloved. Ha! Got me. Got me real good.

    • I think Kim wants to help. A good slap and I should be fine.

      Unfortunately, it doesn’t work quite that neatly. I admit I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps many times before this, and possibly thought similarly. Until the years of reconciliation and the layers to the lies and magnitude of my pain hit this time.

  5. Pingback: Strong a.f. | try not to cry on my rainbow

  6. You are my hero, Paula! ❤ ❤ ❤

  7. Methinks that ‘Kim’ doth protest too much. To quote the bard. ❤️❤️

  8. Seriously late to the party. But what the actual fuck? Ugh, here is a thought Kim-if you don’t like what someone is blogging take your ass somewhere else. It’s clear that you have been or currently are the other woman. Beyond that, why take the time and energy to say such things to someone you don’t know and haven’t been connected with? These blogs are a source of connection and support during horrible times. If you can’t offer support and care then YOU move on. You say you are trying to make a point but all that I see is someone who is so miserable with herself she needs to tear down a woman in excruciating pain. A woman who is having a very hard time processing the shit her POS husband put her through. A woman that despite intense pain gets up every day and cares for other people. A woman that shows immense empathy for others, including you.
    Clearly your trauma fucked you up more than you can see or admit. Because what you did was a shit move. You can disguise it as being helpful or tough love. But it was a shit move.

    • Thank you for your words, HTH. I do know a lot of people feel as Kim does. I understand why. You think tough love will snap the hurt person out of it. But there is a lot of research that shows that this does nothing but isolate a hurt person even further. This is why, in the real world, we shut the fuck up, and put up the false front. Of being healed, and kicking arse. It makes the suicidal thoughts more attractive, as you feel like such a giant loser! But, I do think people’s intent is usually genuine. It’s horrid hearing about people in chronic pain. Make it go away!😚

      • I am not often commenting but I read a lot and am still cheering you on silently. Like many others I got very disturbed by Kims comment, so I got this weird idea of processing it all through a poem hoping it would cheer you up, even if a little bit late by now, but it took its time to write it. (I wanted to send it outside of the blog but couldn’t find an email)

        Once upon a time
        There was a girl and a friend
        Only he turned out being a foe
        Sinking to the lowest of low
        Hurting her in ways you cant imagine
        So she got terribly hurt
        While he got free

        Being brave and not wanting to fuss
        She did her best in forging on,
        Being as cheery as she could be
        Buried the trauma in the ground
        And put a band aid on the wound
        So no one could see

        Then as time went by
        There came a charming guy
        He seemed such a catch
        They were a match
        So when asked to marry
        His wife she’d happily be
        Being with him she felt surprisingly free
        Couldn’t know then that he would cheat and lie
        Over and over

        She made it clear to him from the start what she needed
        And which boundaries not to break
        Knowing what damage it does in its wake
        When a spouse thinks of only one, instead of a whole, and an “us”
        While being false and fake
        And pretending
        Instead of just ending

        These promises would protect the bond
        Make the marriage safe and sound
        Make it all into what she needed and thought she’d found
        Just stay committed and upfront and true
        Be the best version of you
        Since what you nurture will flourish
        Be in darkness a light
        Did he already then think it was just a fuss
        When he first date’ her
        Or was it only later

        This woman being a gem
        She worked so very hard
        On the marriage, in the home and the yard
        In fact when needed she also worked away
        Doubling her hours
        Being a best ever spouse
        Doing it all in the house
        And how did he thank her?
        By, unknowingly, going astray
        Just like her father

        Then decades later
        It turned out he’d been multiply cheating
        And suddenly he was clearly not the same
        Because he realized his facade became worn out
        The moment his fishing online came to light
        Couldn’t take that he wasn’t longer that great
        At playing the very best, loving mate
        Still he continued the gaslighting
        Biding his time
        Acting so loving and kind
        In between fighting and being mean
        Acting the most needy you have ever seen
        Should she then be the one to shame
        For trusting or not checking every single meeting?
        Hear what we say:
        No way!

        She again worked so hard
        On the marriage to work
        Did her part so many times over
        While he took the path so slow it seemed
        Or in fact, slower and slower
        Until one day the healing for her was near
        Finally the day of thesis came true
        But for him it was all over
        Or in fact overdue
        Because he’d already laid out his bait
        Knowing he wouldn’t wait

        He didnt even care
        Couldn’t let her shine so bright
        He just exited and switched off the light
        Had all those secret accounts
        While she wasn’t aware
        Because he would always swear
        he was “truthful and committed to her”
        But now he just got up and got on his way
        Starting over a new life with a replacement
        In the midst of loving promises and daily romantic statements
        Going for ease because it’s easier for them starting over
        Than repairing the mess they create
        Having no conscience

        So why do you shame her
        For feelings she harbors within
        Towards the two making a relation out of their sin
        After him having played with her feelings for years
        And now having her face her worst fears
        Once again
        So what is wrong with these women and men?
        The once who are cheating
        Not the ones having loved so strongly

        And why do you blame
        The one working so hard
        At home, at work and in labour
        Why should she be faulted
        For not getting the feelings so clinically sorted
        Did you even listen or care?
        Be fair

        It is not her fault
        That he went astray
        While pretending to feel and to love her
        Not her fault she got fooled
        By a guy who at manipulation ruled
        While following his whims and desires
        Lighting up all those fires
        Until someone would say
        ”Hey, I am free so please take me
        despite you already being taken”
        He couldn’t stand the thought of being less accomplished than her
        Or was it a fear of soon being forsaken?

        You were not the one being gaslighted
        By someone making such a show
        Of giving the marriage a go
        While never really being there, or try to grow
        Instead stooping so low
        Doing such damage
        Then leaving her bleeding
        While taking mutual friends in his tow

        No doubt,
        These people are good at what they are doing
        How come else would they succeed in their fooling
        Fooling many
        And not only her

        This she knew only later
        When it was painstakingly clear
        That the man she always loved and protected, cherished and had dear
        Was to devastate and create her worst fear
        Making her stumble

        This lady is fierce and loyal and loving
        Is strong and fighting on
        So why do you wish to break
        Instead of cheering her on?
        Instead support and help her
        Moving on

        Harsh words are seldom right
        In helping other people fight
        The nightmares in their lives
        That you know nothing about
        How can you even believe
        That what you feel is right
        In her situation
        Without having been in her shoes,
        lived her life
        When you certainly haven’t fought her fight

        What do you know
        Of the web of lies he told her
        Were you there all these years spying?
        Clearly not, so stop pretending and lying
        Be a supporter
        Have a heart, lend an ear
        Or at least pretend that you care
        After all it’s not your heart being broken

        On the journey to healing
        Have some feeling
        And be fair
        With the wounded
        Can’t you see how your words sounded?
        What do you know
        Of people hurting
        Not much it seems to me
        Because if you knew
        Then why be so harsh
        When those very words could be
        A trigger to negative actions and thoughts
        To anxiety and self hurt a key
        A seed you sow
        That might grow

        What if the words you so carelessly say
        Is pulling a trigger today
        Is ending a life newly started
        Making loved ones be parted
        So let harsh words stay
        To someone not yet healed
        Therefore still broken

        Let her take the time that she needs
        In getting back on track
        Let caring words and an understanding
        Be what each day leads
        Her forward in her healing
        That is lessening the feeling
        Of despair
        Letting her know you are there

        One thing I’ve learned
        Is that when you’ve been burned
        You might not actually feel, react or do
        The way you’re sure of before it happened to you
        So have a heart and lend an ear
        To the wounded
        In their healing
        At least have some feeling
        And leave the harsh words unspoken

      • Oh. Wow. Wow. Wow! Ease, that is INCREDIBLE! Thank you so much. A poem to cherish, that shows huge understanding and compassion regarding my long term experience of all of this. The relationship, the lies, what I believed, but discovered was all smoke and mirrors.
        I love you!!!

      • So glad you liked it! Love u too

  9. Pingback: Being the other woman | Tearing at the Fabric

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