Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Loves her more

4 Comments

The very worst aspect of being the loyal partner of a cheater is this.

He discarded you for a better model. Someone he loves more.

It totally fucks you. You give them everything you have. And you are never enough. He just swaps you out for a new model. Easy peasy. In she slots, into the groove you created.

I can’t even begin to tell you how unbelievably painful it is to see your life’s dreams and goals go up in smoke.

It never gets old.

Of the many fears that discarded partners are faced with, the soul-crushing belief that the narcissist will be better for – and deeply in love with – the new partner is the worst.

In spite of knowing that the narcissist is a pathological liar (and consistently unstable), discarded victims are often 100% sure that the narcissist has miraculously begun toeing the line for the new sweetheart.

It is what keeps me awake at night, the pain of it.

That no matter how awesome I tried to be Trinket just replied to a message on a dating app, and was instantly better than me. Worth selling up thirty years of love for and moving to a region he was always so snarky about.

So what was I?

Absolutely nothing. A workhorse. A broodmare. Someone completely expendable, when he made my life feel worth living.

Losing several of our couple friends has cut deeply, they have judged and dismissed me as not good enough.

Friends and family can barely believe their own eyes, and even the neighbors walk around with their mouths agape, wondering what it is about the narcissist’s new partner that’s incited such a divine intervention of the narcissist’s wily ways.

Jeepers, if they’ve changed so drastically for the new partner, then…

…then it must mean there was something wrong with you – their former partner, right? And maybe because of this, the narcissist was forced to find love elsewhere. And because the new lover’s love is so celestial and the depth of their love so staggering, the Narcissist really has changed and they love the new partner more than they ever could have loved you.

The constant internal battle of this abuse is exhausting. But this information has to keep being internalised. I truly thought he was the love of my life. He constantly told me I was his. After DDay, I was expected to keep up appearances.

And when I eventually didn’t/couldn’t anymore, and embarked on my academic journey, he had to make our friends believe there was something wrong with me.

Hell, I thought (think!) there is something wrong with me!

He is a skilled and convincing actor. After all, they fooled you into believing that you were the love of their life, perhaps even their past lives. How long were they able to keep up the charade? Months? Possibly years?

Then, after their mask started slipping, they likely expected you to keep up appearances in front of everyone. Still yet, when you discovered their lies, online dating profiles, and infidelities, they convinced you that they had reasonable justifications for it all. That somehow, in spite of their love crimes, they still wanted you and were in love with you.

And so it will be with the new person.

You see, they not only have to convince you that they’ve found their soul-mate and best friend in the new partner, but they also have to get everyone else on board, too. It’s essential that you doubt your memories; distrust that what they did to you was so bad after all. The narcissist must make you and everyone within a 100-mile radius believe that you exaggerated everything and – further – are delusional and unstable.

In other words, that the narcissist did no wrong and they’re just an innocent human trying to find real love.

What better way to do that than to trap a new supply into their web of deception and get them to drink the Kool-Aid? Thus starts a fresh round of love-bombing, complete with vacations, church with the kids, and an engagement ring.

Voila! Presto-chango!

This crusade is one they can wage for perverse periods of time. It’s important that you don’t internalize this as meaning the new supply is any better than you or possesses the special kind of love that you couldn’t give.

The Narcissist doesn’t want to be suspected of wrong-doings, nor accept one molecule of accountability for their actions, thus the Great “I’ve Changed for the New Person” Hoax.

The Truth That Will Set You Free

Has the narcissist fallen in love with the new person?

The narcissist may seem happier in the new relationship, and there is a very simple reason for this. The new partner simply does not know the narcissist the way you do.

The narcissist has planted the seeds of a convincing and tantalizing screenplay in the new person’s mind. In turn, the new supply is mirroring back to the narcissist exactly what the narcissist needs in order to feel like the best partner and lover that anyone could ever have in their life.

At first, the narcissist will put forth painstaking effort to keep this charade going because it fills the eternal emptiness the narcissist feels.

However, as time passes, all the acting and future-faking will wear on the narcissist as the new partner or friend reveals themselves to be just an ordinary human, same as everybody else and, in doing so, disappoints the narcissist just as everyone else has.

4 thoughts on “Loves her more

  1. I don’t think craig loves his ap more than me.

    It’s just something new.

    I can’t see it lasting….but it’s possible he is even more shallow than I thought….

    She will eventually tire of him.

    • I’m so glad you don’t have this particular awful internal narrative you have to fight, Anne. That said, I expect there are others you do have to deal with.

      The whole not good enough saga goes way back. And in the only couples therapy I managed to drag Rog into, he was surprised to hear that is my inner voice. I’m not good enough for anybody, or anything.

      I think it comes from even further back. Nerdy, yet rebellious. Never fit in kid. But then the power imbalance of his greater economic gendered and older than me power, followed by his cheating? Just underlined every single self doubt I ever had.

      See? See Paula? Told you you’d never be good enough.

      It’s not a conscious thing. Just one of my damaged neural pathways reiterating a mean message to myself.

      • I had so many many years of self loathing, berating and hatred. I was never ever good enough and I lived in fear that if you know the real me you would not like me.

        It drove me to self destruction…

        Finding a way out of that has been a huge relief. It’s taken many years….

        That mean inner voice is very persistent.

      • Oh hell yeah, Anne! That is where the trauma therapy and EMDR are hopefully helping me consciously override.

        I also now know that Roger chooses women who are somehow broken, to try to override his own narrative. That he can rescue. He said it very clearly to me about Leanne. He felt sorry for her, thought he could help her feel valued. I know it is why he chose Trinket. He told me stories of how awful her husband was, how degraded she felt. Her serial cheating husband made her feel not good enough. So Rog looks like a knight in shining armour to her rescue. All sweetness, softness, cuddles and touch.

        He did it with me, probably. Poor little 20 year old virgin rape survivor. He didn’t know those details at the time, but I know I was in a very vulnerable place when I look back with 20/20 hindsight and see my nice, intact family blown apart by infidelity, rape, complete chaos and confusion about the direction my life was taking, where my “home” even was anymore (two time uni dropout…) I was a perfect target.

        I don’t think he knows he does it. I don’t even think there is malicious intent. He’s just trying to fill his own anxiously attached gaps. My distress is insignificant in his mind, as his own is paramount. I was a tool he used. As is Trinket.

        Which is why I am approaching the niceness of BarGuy with huge caution. No one needs to be sacrificed here!

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